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Thread: Healing When Youíre The One Who Left

  1. #11
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    TeddyP we took the risk and it didnít go the distance, but it certainly wasnít for lack of effort. Thank you for your honest and kind feedback.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Wow, thanks to each and every one of you for posting. Good stuff here!

    I can see Iím not popular for becoming very conscious of her age, and I will agree that could be interpreted as very shallow of me. Iím doing my best to be real with you guys, warts and all here. Iím definitely not perfect, just human. Itís something to be aware of moving forward for me to avoid leading anybody down a dead end street.

    There was another post that said an hour and a half drive is nothing, and though that may be true for you (i get it, it was true for me when the infatuation and rush of new love was upon us) it certainly did create an additional hurdle for seeing one another when I work full time and we are both single parents. She was fulfilled sexually with once or twice a month, I was not @camber. What I am taking away here is that my sex drive requires more frequent intimacy in my next relationship...I admired my recent ex so much I sacrificed my own sexual fulfillment to be with her, and it ended up hurting both of us. Bad move on my part.

    As far as her kids go, I am definitely not going to pursue any attempt to hold my place in their lives. Iím guessing after reading some of the comments that it probably will not come up again, but if she DOES bring it up I have some questions for her based on some of the thoughtful replies I got from you guys.

    Iím not a big believer in trying to be friends with exes (although my ex wife and I are very friend-LY, it was born from the necessity of co-parenting and we arenít hanging out together or sharing many personal details of our lives outside of kid-related stuff with one another.) If it somehow gets past the attraction and awkward post break up phase organically with my recent ex girlfriend I wonít be opposed, but Iím not actively going to steer in that direction.

    Thanks for listening and chiming in, I appreciate you guys!
    Thanks for the update and thoughts. This is all very difficult considering you're dealing with a break up and letting go of not one person but a family. Do what you have to do to keep yourself healthy (eating well, hydrated and mentally nourished and going). You sound very level and you'll be fine. I too am not a fan of the commute, by the way. (Been there, done that and very glad for the end too.)

  3. #13
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I believe we can sum up thusly:

    Breakups BLOW!!

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    I believe we can sum up thusly:

    Breakups BLOW!!
    Yes and sometimes later on a blessing in disguise. Despite being the one to "pull the trigger" it was so hard to end the 7 year on again off again relationship with a lovely guy who just wasn't right for me. The on again off again was also so painful. It wasn't till a couple of months later that I had the "a ha" moment as to precisely why he was not right for me -and I still to this day hold him in high esteem. The blessing part - we each met our person, we each got married in the same year, we each had a son. I hope he is still happily married and we each became parents in our early 40s so I'm glad he had the opportunity too -I am sure he makes a great dad. No regrets and yes before I felt internal closure and completely at peace of course I wondered after if I'd done the right thing. We stayed in touch as friends for about two years and when he started dating his future wife I completely backed off and he let me "fade" -not in a rude way at all -but I thought it was best.

    I did see him again right after his wedding -because his new wife who I had never met emailed me via my ex's work email to ask if we could meet in person. My then boyfriend/future husband and I agreed - it was awkward but positive. I share the minutae because life is strange that way - so ending on good terms, honoring her need for space and to move on (even if she does not know it herself), respecting her child's need to detach from you - this way in the future when you're both settled maybe you can be in contact or maybe you will cross paths and it will be ok.

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes and sometimes later on a blessing in disguise. Despite being the one to "pull the trigger" it was so hard to end the 7 year on again off again relationship with a lovely guy who just wasn't right for me. The on again off again was also so painful. It wasn't till a couple of months later that I had the "a ha" moment as to precisely why he was not right for me -and I still to this day hold him in high esteem. The blessing part - we each met our person, we each got married in the same year, we each had a son. I hope he is still happily married and we each became parents in our early 40s so I'm glad he had the opportunity too -I am sure he makes a great dad. No regrets and yes before I felt internal closure and completely at peace of course I wondered after if I'd done the right thing. We stayed in touch as friends for about two years and when he started dating his future wife I completely backed off and he let me "fade" -not in a rude way at all -but I thought it was best.

    I did see him again right after his wedding -because his new wife who I had never met emailed me via my ex's work email to ask if we could meet in person. My then boyfriend/future husband and I agreed - it was awkward but positive. I share the minutae because life is strange that way - so ending on good terms, honoring her need for space and to move on (even if she does not know it herself), respecting her child's need to detach from you - this way in the future when you're both settled maybe you can be in contact or maybe you will cross paths and it will be ok.
    I needed to hear this right when I read it. Perfect timing and thank you for sharing - it means a lot to me!

    I knew before I left that I would be filled with second guesses and doubt because, like you, I hold her in high regard and enjoyed what time we did have together immensely...but in the midst of those feelings it can be an intense emotional ride. Your post helped me get grounded again. 🙏🏻

  7. #16
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    I am so very glad I could help!

  8. #17
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    For the past several days Iíve felt like I made a huge mistake by leaving. SO painful and SO hard not to contact her.

  9. #18
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Iím posting here again rather than contact. At this point it will be best to let everyoneís feelings stabilize and move on but holy sh*t do I miss her.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Iím posting here again rather than contact. At this point it will be best to let everyoneís feelings stabilize and move on but holy sh*t do I miss her.
    If you don't intend to fully reconcile and have it be for good this time...please leave her alone. Contacting her, telling her you miss her, maybe getting together and having sex or even reconciling then realizing you really don't want to be with her after all...that would be especially hurtful.

  11. #20
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Totally agree @boltnrun! This thread has been a lifesaver when Iíve gotten super lonely...allowed me to let those waters settle rather than stir them up and make it murky for everyone.

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