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Thread: My ex gf just went cold and ended a year

  1. #1

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    My ex gf just went cold and ended a year

    Hi all,
    I'm struggling to process my feelings and emotions a bit right now.
    On September 1st my ex gf, just ended the relationship. We hadn't seen each other since 11th August. And the following Saturdays after the 17th i was supposed to see her. She lives in Coventry and i live in Derby.
    However nothing happened because she said not to bother or i didnt go because she was snapping and nagging.
    She wanted to talk about the relationship and ourselves to help push things forward. We were supposed to go on Holiday 21st September and it was supposed to be something to look forward to. Her birthday was due out there too. So really special. She'd been talking about the holiday and what we could do etc. I couldn't wait. Year one would officially be over and for year 2 to be a better cleaner year.
    We're both stubborn, but her more so. When she's wrong she'll hardly say she's sorry. Tends to be quick to the "f*ck offs" and all that. Tries to be a know it all. Knows how i feel. What I'm thinking, what I'd do in a situation etc... As for myself i just wont give in when she's demanding, and i pay attention to things because there'll be a time something would be plain double standards.

    So, on the weekend she just ended it, we'd had a,not even a fallout, just some kind of disagreement, but unfortunately i had a bit of a home crisis on my mind. I had been on the radio and as friends and family would dox they tuned in. Even the ex did. Hardly anyone knew what it was about, but they found it funny to have heard me on the radio. She only replied "i didnt find it funny in the slightest". I didnt take too much offence. More or less shrugged it off tbh, but i said she was a killjoy with no sense of humour. Now peoples humour varies. That's cool. But she had to sound dull. Reverse the roles and it would have been "oh you could have said it was funny to hear you on radio or something to make me feel good". Its happened with something else before.
    So she'd given her verbal crap to me as she always does (and she says ive got the short fuse), and i just left it there. Later she was sending pictures of 2 skirts for a night out. I couldn't really have cared and whichever I'd have said she'd have said the opposite. Low and behold i was right. But i said i dont know and she tried to make it about her and how i seemed towards it that ny input wasnt very helpful etc. Left it be anyway.
    I'd been to a doctors appointment and afterwards had a call to say my autistic, 5 year old nephew had a bad fit and was rushed to hospital.
    On the following morning, i had told her about him, as she was demanding an apology or forget going down Saturday for the killjoy comment. Bare in mind she's been wanting to talk and telling me i dont care about the relationship it seems... i didnt give in and i said i had other things on my mind right now at that point. She told me
    "You have no right to say you've bigger problems other than our relationship yet again. It seems you're too busy to ever sort this stay where you are tomorrow".
    So again i didnt give in. She did what she does best straight to the social media and blocks.
    Fortunately my nephew came round sometime early hours, but it was said his brain had starved from this fit and thankfully no damage had occured. But nothing from her. Until sunday night where she said it was over.
    I was hurt by it but, the amount of times she's said "I'm done", because something didnt go her way, got to a point where it didnt get to me as it used to. I said it once when she said something to me about my past totally out the blue and unnecessary and she was hurt wanted to know if we were together,no games etc... that once was enough for her but she was ok to do it to me god knows how many times....
    So anyway seemed she was meaning it. My head was confused, still it. Heart breaking. And i said if its really over send me my money over from friday which I'd sent over for the holiday. She threatened then to semd it by a time or she'd change the name. But she sent my money over, the whole amount for the holiday. This triggered me, my anxiety, which can be quite nasty. I do say horrible things and when its gone i can barely remember it but i know I've said stuff wrong and something I've attended therapy sessions to talk about it more and get better with it. All she did was ignore every message. I've actually heard nothing off her, i just got an email of spite to say the events have been cancelled in our joint diary via outlook.
    She's brought up past events with us and she tells me to leave the past which i dont bring up anything like she does, essentially using those but saying it like it happened that weekend she ended it. These were a month prior and 8 before that. And since then had seen me, done stuff and wanted to talk. We've had fights and both said stuff. She knows that as she admitted to me. But shes gone so cold like i dont exist. I've helped her financially and massively too. Helped her with more than me, which is ok, but she feels its ok to treat me that way. She fails to see anything wrong in how shes being and telling everyone I've done X,Y,Z. she's certainly not admitting anything that shes said or done which has resulted in arguments. Instead to her side I've shown my true colours. But i do a damnsite more and my friends and family say she's spoilt, attention seeking and avoiding responsibility and making everything worse than it actually is. Which i do agree. Gone to hot and cold and does with most things. Shes still not said anything, still doing posts that seek attention for puty for herself. Claims she cares but shes tried reasoning with me etc. No. This is someone you try talk to or exlplain things and she's throwing a hissy fit. But doesnt mind you being put on the spot and lectured. Will make you think of how she's feeling switching the scenerio round, cant do it other way around.

    I'd given her a promise ring and said this is a promise that no matter how tough things may get I'll never get bored of you. We'll get through it. But it seems she's taken the mick here. I've had her mum go on at me in a message and claiming her daughter is the correct one. Not at all. Doesn't tell the full story or correct one. Doesnt say she made a thought up and it made me cross. Its just a case of allowing people to see me as someone who snapss and says things for the sake of it and i don't at all. She blocked my family and friends after 3 people found her repsonse to my nephews situation quite shocking. More messages were seen by some which they've responded shes a head f*ck or her own head is. She doesnt want to look the bad person, but has made a scene by having all these wrong ideas aswell as the lack of responsibility. Something I've said to her and she ignores it.

    Now I'm living in the pain that I've done and given more. Shes changed her tone from one extreme to another. Accused me of not caring but its actually other way around.
    Read up a narcissist or psychological projectionist and it sums her up tbh. Because there are many scenarios. But she'll never see anything wrong or she was retaliating etc.

    I care about her. I love her. I dont care what people say, i would still get us to do things better than we have. No fighting. No personal digs etc. I made progress dealing with anxiety and this stunt has thrown me back in it.

    My question is, what am i supposed to do about it??? I dont use people and dont commit if i can't and i certainly wouldn't give a promise ring if i didnt mean it. But now I'm the villain. She's allowed to bad mouth me but if i was she'd be whining she can't defend herself. Double standards.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Although you were attached and had memories and good times, the incompatibilities got the best of both of you, not to mention the distance. It sounds like you both grew contemptuous, insulting and resentful toward each other. Consider it a blessing that you are free now.

  3. #3

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    I guess i dont hold resentment like i used to. Having the good times be the best with her, i dont particularly want to throw that commitment and honesty away just for the sake of it. Distance wasnt an issue. Guess what got to me was being told by someone what to do etc, who can't even balance their finances on a daily basis and sits moaning they dont feel good with their body but wont do anything to help herself. Especially when she works set hours and has more free time than me.

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    You are only an hour from one another, why didn't you see her on a weekly basis?

    You both sound very immature and incompatible. Learn from this for your next relationship.

    Stop psychoanazlying. If she has either of your diagnosis, then why would you want to be with her? You should also address your own behavior.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Sean1519
    I guess i dont hold resentment like i used to. Having the good times be the best with her, i dont particularly want to throw that commitment and honesty away just for the sake of it. Distance wasnt an issue. Guess what got to me was being told by someone what to do etc, who can't even balance their finances on a daily basis and sits moaning they dont feel good with their body but wont do anything to help herself. Especially when she works set hours and has more free time than me.
    Then, you should be glad it is done.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like you have multiple issues and aren't prioritizing each other properly, failed expectations, distrust and disrespect overall. I think you should be establishing boundaries with your family members and if you are actually serious about a partner or someone you are dating, there will eventually be difficult choices you'll have to make because that partner you choose will become your family. I'm referencing and lead ups due to a promise ring. I don't suggest either of you rekindle this or revisit this or contact each other again until you're ready to really commit to each other.

    I'm sorry but it's not enough to give someone a ring. You're both going to have to feel that coming from each other. If one of you doesn't feel it, that link is broken and it's not going to work. Neither of you are doing yourselves a favour taking to social media, family members or friends and family. Start behaving a bit more like grown ups and don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you well.

    Here's what I think: You really aren't ready and have had misgivings about her as a person for awhile. You wanted to be there for your real family members and that's of course legitimate and you should do what you feel is right. The issue however is that you just don't like her and you haven't liked her for awhile and you cannot reconcile her personality as someone you may marry one day. She just isn't the right person for you or hasn't shown herself to be. I think you should be more honest with yourself and with her.

    I hope your nephew is doing better since the weekend.

  8. #7

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    There have been bigger issues.
    I wouldn't say at all i havent liked her. There are certain things that certainly need looking at with her. She doesnt want to take responsibility, she's addicted to social media, projects what shes doing or saying onto others. When she can't manage simple things like her finaces then comes running to me i don't appreciate it, as she should be more than ok. However i never minded helping.
    But she seems to forget what she's said or done to me. I never had issues, but to be randomly criticised out the blue at times....i don't need that and thankful i dont have that. I miss the caring side to her. But she cant seem to care or it seems shes almost shutting out nice times. Just to make me look the baddie. Its like she almost resents I'm financially well and sorting things like a house. I have a large family, i have a hobby, i take care of myself both mentally and physically, but she tests it because she DOESN'T want to do that. Nor can she see it.

    But having not spoken with her and can only see what shes doing on social media. Its like oxygen to her. She cant live without that and that tired me out. Unrealistic expectations because the internet said so. Someone who doesnt want to do anything but be demanding and throw their toys out the pram shouldn't be telling me what to do when I'm in no pickle like she is. But I've always supported or tried to get moaned at.

    I could only help. But shes being the child. In that sense great, but then its confusing because shes gone on as she has then treated me like i dont care and a door mat. I'm not really gonna praise that about someone at all.

    He's fine now thankyou.

  9. #8

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It sounds like you have multiple issues and aren't prioritizing each other properly, failed expectations, distrust and disrespect overall. I think you should be establishing boundaries with your family members and if you are actually serious about a partner or someone you are dating, there will eventually be difficult choices you'll have to make because that partner you choose will become your family. I'm referencing and lead ups due to a promise ring. I don't suggest either of you rekindle this or revisit this or contact each other again until you're ready to really commit to each other.

    I'm sorry but it's not enough to give someone a ring. You're both going to have to feel that coming from each other. If one of you doesn't feel it, that link is broken and it's not going to work. Neither of you are doing yourselves a favour taking to social media, family members or friends and family. Start behaving a bit more like grown ups and don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you well.

    Here's what I think: You really aren't ready and have had misgivings about her as a person for awhile. You wanted to be there for your real family members and that's of course legitimate and you should do what you feel is right. The issue however is that you just don't like her and you haven't liked her for awhile and you cannot reconcile her personality as someone you may marry one day. She just isn't the right person for you or hasn't shown herself to be. I think you should be more honest with yourself and with her.

    I hope your nephew is doing better since the weekend.
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You are only an hour from one another, why didn't you see her on a weekly basis?

    You both sound very immature and incompatible. Learn from this for your next relationship.

    Stop psychoanazlying. If she has either of your diagnosis, then why would you want to be with her? You should also address your own behavior.
    Work is an issue. She has set hours. I don't i could finish quite late being a hgv driver. The weekends are better as there's more time.

    I know I'm not always right, but i shouldn't have to give in to someone who wants to think they're royalty and when they say jjmp, i say how high? I'm a very independent person, but very committed when i am with someone.

    I can assure you she's more immature than me. I dont take to social media and have it out there for people to feel sorry for me. I dont want the attention. She does. And wont listen other than whats in her head. Her overthinking and exaggerating is the killer.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Sean1519
    Work is an issue. She has set hours. I don't i could finish quite late being a hgv driver. The weekends are better as there's more time.

    I know I'm not always right, but i shouldn't have to give in to someone who wants to think they're royalty and when they say jjmp, i say how high? I'm a very independent person, but very committed when i am with someone.

    I can assure you she's more immature than me. I dont take to social media and have it out there for people to feel sorry for me. I dont want the attention. She does. And wont listen other than whats in her head. Her overthinking and exaggerating is the killer.
    You have not said one positive thing about her. You should be glad it is over. I think that you need to ask yourself why you stayed, and for so long if she was so emotionally abusive.

  11. #10

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You have not said one positive thing about her. You should be glad it is over. I think that you need to ask yourself why you stayed, and for so long if she was so emotionally abusive.
    There's enough for me to be positive about when I think of her. It was very hard to delete the folder off my phone with out trips or silly little moments as well as date nights etc, i can see them as clear as and thats painful. New york this year was an amazing trip together! She was lovely when she was lovely. And the good times were the best times with anyon. But i guess emotionally...yea not too good. Very sensitive which is ok, but took things too far. And has now created some scene that was none existent. Theres no responsibility and has gone against my family and wanting the attention to see shes the one hard done by.

    So you may say i should be happy shes gone. For that yes. But the fact we cant have those good times, she cant build that trust she didnt need to shatter... I'd want it back and make sure its better. But whether that will ever happen, is anyones guess. The cold attitude and heart is just shocking. Dont know why she'd just do that....


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