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Thread: Guy with close female friend

  1. #1
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    Guy with close female friend

    Sorry for the long post. Would really like to hear women's point of view from what my friend may be thinking in her mind but also would like to hear from the guys point of view as well.

    I am a guy with a very close female friend who is a co-worker also. She is 43 and I'm 32. I get told I am very mature for my age. Have been told that since I was 16 (long story behind that). We know a lot about each other, more than most people would think. We have a bond that I have never experienced before with any other relationship I have had in my life prior to now. We think alike, say the same thing at the same time and act simular. All frequently accruing. She gets anxiety if I'm not at work during the day when she works. I feel I have some anxiety as well if I don't get to see her, I do miss her those days as she does me. Days that we are off we text frequently and call and talk at times also. There are little things that I am having trouble understanding or would like some clarity. She says I calm her down when she gets anxiety and/or upset about something just by the sound of my voice or my presents being there. We do tell each other we love each other which to the best of my knowledge she means it in a close friend manner also. We hug often and also have the occational kiss on the cheek. I believe she trusts me deeper than anyone of her other friends. She has even called me her best friend several times to other people/customers at work and does it with enthusiasm. Even her parents love me. They hug me really tight eveytime they see me. She talks to her parents about things we do. She also will grab my arm at times to get my attention or when she's walking pass me from behind she will pat or slide her hands over my back or squeeze my shoulders at times. She's definitely comfortable be around me. She's not afraid to stand close enough to me for our arms to touch. We go to lunch most days together that we work. When we talk to each other or are conversing she has this dead stare in my eyes while she does it. I always make eye contact when I talk to people. It's respectful.

    We are both in other relationships but both are on thin ice I feel. At least I know for a fact mine is on it's last leg. I am actually currently preparing for the worse for mine. She says all the time she don't want to be around the guy she is with and is relieved when he's gone on the road. Her and I have never been sexual at all. Strong hugs and some kisses on the cheek is all but I believe (at least from my perspective) it was in a friend like manner. We joke around a lot, laugh our asses off all the time. She says things like "hearing you laugh and making you smile is my favorite thing" or "you brighten my day." A few days ago, her son (who's 23) was in a bind on money for a few days asked to borrow $20 from his mom (my friend) to get him by till pay day. He has never asked for money. She had $44 in her account and she gave him $40, pretty much all she had. We met him down at the gas station because he was needing fuel to get to work and home also. I asked her if he needed more money to get through the week. She says she was giving all she had and hoped it would get him through (she cares a lot about her sons). I told her I will fill his tank up so he don't have to worry about gas for the week at least... Later that evening she messaged me that she wanted to cry because of it. She said she greatly appriecated it and that it was such a sweet gesture. I didn't really think much about it, I just did it. I've been at the stage in life before. I know how it feels. She said she didn't cry because she wanted to enjoy our lunch break together with the time we had together.

    So, I hoping to try understand a little better what she might be thinking in her mind.... or if I'm over thinking this. Is she using me? Is she trying to keep me close so if our other relationships do go south she has someone to go to? Or are we just that close of friends? Or does she possibly feel something different for me and is trying to not show it till the right time? I'm pretty confident we care a lot about each other and both feel for the other.

    I appreciate any feed back. Ask any questions you may have. Thanks

    (I'm aware of the focus that should be on the other relationships but that's not what I want this post to be about)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You need to ask the questions you're asking on this forum TO HER. I can't speak for others, however, I can't read your colleague's mind. No sense playing guessing games. You need to have an in person, at length discussion with your colleague regarding what she is thinking.

    Remember, she's another generation removed from yours, at a different stage in life (peri to menopausal) whereas you're in the prime of your youth and life. This could pose a problem should you decide to get involved in a relationship with her. Keep in mind that should your relationship go awry, you still have to work with her day in, day out, 5 days a week. Think how AWKWARD this will feel. You can't escape because you're committed to earning your paycheck every week.

    There's excitement now because everything with her is fun, fun, fun, fun, fun infatuation. Once you get serious beware that too much familiarity breeds contempt.

    Tread lightly. Keep things polite and professional. Think long and hard and give each other SPACE. Enforce healthy boundaries.

  3. #3
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    Do you want to end your current relationship and begin one with her?

    Has she said she wants that?

    ETA: I see you've written several threads about this woman, beginning 5 months ago.

    Have you confessed to her how you feel about her?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Deal with your relationship rather than using each other for escapist activities. Being "mature" means standing up, being a man and addressing your real issues. This woman is just using you. But you know that. And you are using her (and your gf).
    Originally Posted by Aj86
    We are both in other relationships but both are on thin ice I feel. At least I know for a fact mine is on it's last leg.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    What in the heck would you want to be a in relationship with someone so much older than you?

    I can tell you first of all, you don't need to be exactly like each other in order for anything to work, in fact, it's down right creepy. You want to date someone who is exactly like you are? Why? It's good if couples can relate to one another but they don't need to be exact replicas. That's just weird.

    As for the anxiety either one of you feels if the other one is not there? What is that all about? Cause to me, that sounds like a very unhealthy attachment..and no, it's not a good thing, it's more of a sickness. It's a type of toxicity and no way is that healthy.
    It's fine to be disappointed if your friend isn't at work, but to take it to that extreme? That again is plain weird.

    I personally don't see how anything you have with this woman is healthy. It sounds more like you're using one another for an ego boost, but you don't have anything more than that.

    I also don't see how either one of you is behaving decently if you're both in relationships. You're treating your gf like crap and she is treating her bf like crap by behaving like this behinds their backs.
    Why not break up with both of them? Even if you and she never get together, you don't belong with your currents dates.

    I'd say whatever it is you have with this woman, it's nothing great.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Aj86

    We are both in other relationships but both are on thin ice I feel. At least I know for a fact mine is on it's last leg. I am actually currently preparing for the worse for mine. She says all the time she don't want to be around the guy she is with and is relieved when he's gone on the road.
    Yes, relationships tend to fall apart when one partner is in love with someone outside the relationship. No doubt, your partner has sensed this in your language and in the time you spend with her via tests and in person.

    While I don't have the same issues SherrySher has with age gap relationships, I think you need to find out what you are to each other, or perhaps, if she sees you in the same light you see her. You two talk about everything, perhaps you should talk about that too. But also, are you prepared to lose the friendship by admiting you have feelings for her and she tells you she just sees you as a friend?

  8. #7
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    Sounds like both of you are already in an emotional relationship with each other. I will not attack you for the age difference like some, because it is no matter...but be careful. While you are deep in romantic feelings, she might maybe just honestly think of you as a best friend because of the difference.

    Either way, it is not fair to your girlfriend for you to continue this activity. Decide what you want. If you can recover from this crush and want to repair your relationship then do it. If not, let your poor girlfriend go so she can move on.

    Her ending her relationship may be more complicated because of her kid, albeit adult kid. She might not want to end her relationship.

    But it sounds like the intensity is equal from both sides. End your relationship. Tell your coworker how you feel,but be prepared for a possible fall out. She might not feel the same, or she might not be willing to end her relationship for whatever feelings she may be having.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Aj86
    We are both in other relationships but both are on thin ice I feel. At least I know for a fact mine is on it's last leg.
    Why isn't it already over? What is keeping you from ending it?

    This female friend of yours is showing interest, yes. However, and this is a big "however," you don't know to what extent that interest reaches. She might like to have a fling with you, or sleep with you a couple times, but still be able to go back home to her own partner at night. She says she's not happy when he's around, but when push comes to shove, many lack the courage to actually end the relationship.

    I would strongly encourage you to break up with your girlfriend, regardless. Your heart is clearly not with her anymore, and it's not fair to drag this out while you're essentially carrying on an emotional affair with someone else. Just don't expect things to fall smoothly into place with this other woman. Maybe you two will wind up together, but be prepared for the alternative. It's not at all unusual for affairs to not transition into healthy and long-lasting relationships.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When an emotional connection is lacking in a primary relationship, sometimes people wind up in an emotional affair with someone else. Basically, it's a lack of boundaries for both you and your "work wife." When you're taken, it is wrong to single out a colleague you have chemistry with and treat her differently than the rest of your co-workers, giddy to go to work to see her, stop by her desk to chat, go to lunch together, exchange contact info, fantasizing about what it would be like to be intimate with her.

    Ideally, you would pour all of your emotional time and attention to your gf, and if it's not working, break up with her so the both of you can find better matches. You will have a lower success rate when pining for someone who is taken, as well as someone who is not closer to your age (survey's show the larger the age gap, the less chance the relationship will survive). And most new relationships don't work, so as another poster said, you will have the awkwardness of seeing an ex daily.

    Who is to say what goes on in her mind? For some people, just because they have a crush, doesn't mean they want to translate that into reality. Sometimes a woman wants to have the fun spark that some young guy has a crush on her, but has no intention of leaving their primary relationship. Maybe she is planning on using you as a backup plan if she and her bf breakup. Nobody knows that but her.

    Just know that if she stays with her bf, you have set yourself up for failure in getting a new gf, because no self respecting woman will want to be with a guy who has a "work wife." Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical affairs.

    What would I do in your shoes? Lessen this "friendship" and explain to her why that has to happen, because she will ask why your behavior has changed.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Remember this....anything looks good on the menu when you are hungry.

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