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Thread: He won't delete the girl he cheated on off Facebook

  1. #1
    Member FleurDeLys's Avatar
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    He won't delete the girl he cheated on off Facebook

    Hi guys,

    I need help on a situation with my boyfriend. Before summer, I decided to break things up with my boyfriend as things weren't going well between us
    We originally were in a open relationship where we had agreeded it was okay to sleep with other people, but only if they were one night stands and that we wouldn't keep contacts with them. One of the rules was that we had to be open about it with each other. But I suspected my boyfriend was keeping things from me and it is where things started going downhill and I called it quits.

    By the end of summer, he came back to apologies and tried to win me back, said he missed me and he wanted to start things over. I first told me that he'd have to prove he'd changed and win my trust again by being completely honest with me and what he lied about.

    He admitted to having a one night stand with a girl he knew from mutual friends, when we were together and regularly chatted with her' And slept again with her after we broke up, but assured me he's stopped taking to her. I told him if he wanted to get back together he'd have to cut ties with her.

    But recently I found out they were still friends on Facebook and it hurt me a great deal.

    I asked why, and his excuse was that now was not the right timing, as people might ask question, that he used to be friends with her, have friends in common. Which made me felt betrayed all over again.

    I tried to cool it off, after all this is just social media and I don't want to be this controlling gf who tells him who he cannot and can speak to, I want to trust him, but this is also really hurting me. I feel as though my feelings on this do not matter to him, that our relationship does not matter to him as much whatever he's holding onto is. I love him and I want to make things work, but I feel it is unfair of him to deny me this demand if he's serious about making things work. I went through a lot of pain after I found out and it also took some strength to forgive, and I feel it is only fair that he gives something in turn to.

    Last night, I told him we'd be over if he didn't do it, that he had to make a choice, his affair or our relationship. It makes me sad to go this extreme and it makes wonder this is the way to rebuild trust between us, at the same time, if he wants to cheat again, he might as well do it with someone else other than this girl, maybe he lied about other things; after all who he cheats with is not relevant, it's his actions and choice to cheat that matters. But I said, part of me feels as though he's choosing his affair and lies over us. And it sucks and hurts really hard, because our relationship was otherwise pretty great and I really loved him. Cheating is not necessarily a deal breaker for me, but I do not know if how and if it possible to rebuild trust.

    I'd like thoughts on this matter. Is my demand unreasonable and unfair onto him? Or should I stick to leaving him?

  2. #2
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    How did he prove he'd changed? That was one of your requirements, right?

    What did he do in the past 3 months to prove this to you?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Yes, probably. Search your feelings. You are stating that the relationship is primarily making you feel anxious, insecure, and unloved. Sometimes it is worth it to rebuild trust with someone but it doesn't sound like this is one of those cases. Life is too short to feel permanently happy and unfulfilled. Take some time to heal and then find someone new.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your and your boyfriend's relationship rules are too complicated from the very beginning. Both of you allow each other to be promiscuous as long as they're "only" one night stands and not keep contact with them.

    For starters, those arrangements are out of whack. Why even bother being in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship if you two aren't exclusive?

    Since one night stands are permissible for you and your boyfriend, what's the big deal about having FB friends? FB friends are more harmless than sleeping around with whoever is the flavor of the night.

    Leave him. Break up with him.

    Yes, your demands are unreasonable and unfair to him.

    Choose a guy who does the following: Agrees to be promiscuous (open / sleep around) as long as it's "only" a one night stand, doesn't continue contact with the romping partner from the night prior nor end up as FB friends.

    There's zero trust from the very beginning with your hokey rules.

    Don't even bother having a boyfriend if he's allowed to sleep with other women while in a relationship with you. Your rules defy all logic. You can also catch STD as well.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    A relationship is nothing without trust. Open relationships are especially nothing without trust. It's an arrangement I'm not even sure I could handle.. it requires both trust and self confidence.

    I'm not quite sure understand your structure, but I'm betting you are mature enough to realize that sometimes people just need to shake it up and experience other peoples bodies--but you dont want those experiences developing into romantic interests. So, it's a half open relationship.

    I guess the bottom line is that he did not play by your rules for the relationship, lied about it and then continued to disrespect your wishes. Sounds like the arrangement isn't for him. And you have to understand that.. the rules you set are not going to be realistic for everyone.

    On one hand, I feel that just being Facebook friends is totally harmless and not anything to get upset about.. in the other hand, if he and this girl don't go way back, why is keeping her as a facebook friend so important to him when it obviously bothers you.

    I think he has shown that he is not a good fit for the kind of relationship you want to have, and he also seems to value their friendship more than your feelings.

    I'd look for someone more on your level. And also get tested regularly.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I can only speak for myself, but when I hear the words "Open relationship" any and all trust has already left the building.

    JMO...

  8. #7
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    You two really are not compatible.

    Having an open relationship requires an extremely high level of trust, and a willingness to be transparent and responsible. He has clearly shown you he's not trustworthy, not transparent, and really just wants an open relationship on his terms. Keeping her as a FB friend is apparently important to him, more important that doing what it takes to make a relationship with you work. I have to wonder if it was more his idea than yours to keep this relationship open? You seem very uncomfortable with the whole thing, which is okay, but it does suggest you were never totally on-board with this sort of arrangement.

    Bottom line? This isn't your guy, OP. The wheels have already come off and the damage is done. The likelihood you two could rebuild this is essentially nil.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I agree you two are not compatible. I know plenty who had open relationships. Trust has to be #1, and #2 open and honest communication. He has taken advantage of your relationship, and you did the right thing by dumping him....your mistake is that you took him back. Dump his ass again....he will not change.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    An open relationship usually means that both partners are engaging in relationships outside of what you two share. Relationships or sexual attraction isn't exclusive only to one night stands and we are made up of much more than often what a one night stand can provide. I don't think this set up is sustainable for the long run. If you are both looking to really sustain an open relationship, I think there needs to be more authenticity behind all your connections. In order to build authenticity and long term connections, it usually involves longer term relationships with those you choose to have in your life.

    If you both sincerely do want to explore this lifestyle, I'd encourage you both to look at things a bit differently. I'm not sensing that you're both on the same page, like the others have mentioned.

    The other topic is trust which seems to have been broken. He shouldn't have to win you over in any other way aside from expressing remorse and endeavouring to work with you to develop solutions. This means both of you have to come to a revised plan or agreement on how you want to work together in your relationship. I think both of you went back to your original agreement and you are still feeling upset from the past. It can't go on that way. He shouldn't have to keep feeling like he has to make things up to you. It's very imbalanced and has the potential to nurture tremendous resentment on both sides.

    Either come up with something new that works for both of you and let go of the past or don't continue with this set up.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You two really are not compatible.

    Having an open relationship requires an extremely high level of trust, and a willingness to be transparent and responsible. He has clearly shown you he's not trustworthy, not transparent, and really just wants an open relationship on his terms. Keeping her as a FB friend is apparently important to him, more important that doing what it takes to make a relationship with you work. I have to wonder if it was more his idea than yours to keep this relationship open? You seem very uncomfortable with the whole thing, which is okay, but it does suggest you were never totally on-board with this sort of arrangement.

    Bottom line? This isn't your guy, OP. The wheels have already come off and the damage is done. The likelihood you two could rebuild this is essentially nil.
    I agree with this.

    I am a strong believer that what 2 people decide their partnership is, itís their business, it doesnít have to make sense to anyone but them.

    But when these situationships are created and two people are on two different wavelengths on what boundaries are and where they lie well youíre just asking for a disaster unfortunately, itís a thin line between mutually respected open relationship and disguised cheating.

    Know your worth.


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