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I'm not sure if this is considered being sexually taken advantage of


Maria2157

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I'm not sure how to handle this. A few years ago, I was with a friend who I thought had no sexual desire for me so I thought I was safe. Well this night, I was upset about some personal issues going on in my life and I just needed someone to talk too.

For one thing, I was not sexually attracted to him, I was getting through a break up, and so with him goofing off I thought he was trying to lighten the mood but then he pinned me down. He starts kissing me and that's when I realized that he was hard. I told him several times no and that I didnt want to but the only thing he said to me was, "You know you want it to."

 

I never said yes to him and because he wasn't listening to me I thought it was pointless arguing with him. So, my question is, because I didn't try harder to say no, was I taken advantage of?

For so long I tried to not think about it but lately I can't help but feel that I have.

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When did this happen? Did you go to a doctor or call 911 at the time? Do you want to prosecute him for date rape? Are you still in touch or friends after this? If you feel you were wronged, discuss it with a therapist.

 

Privately and confidentially enlist the help of a medical/mental health expert. Be specific and give details. Either way, whether action can be taken or not, only a therapist can help you sort through this. Random strangers who are not medical, law-enforcement or legal advisers can not help you as much as one-on-one therapy to discuss the impact this had on you.

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About three years ago and no I didn't. I felt like because I didn't struggle or go through the classic case of it, that it wasn't important. But now it has been weighing heavy on my heart; I have gone through all the emotions trying to sort this out, I'm afraid that I'm blowing this out of proportion. And to answer your question, I am no longer friends with him nor his family, the situation that I was in prevented me from doing so but in October I was able to move in with someone else.

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Excellent. But still consider therapy to unpack and sort it out, since you're still upset about it. It's better to share this type of personal sensitive information with a trusted professional and not 'over-share' with people you are dating.

I am no longer friends with him nor his family, the situation that I was in prevented me from doing so but in October I was able to move in with someone else.
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Because you thought you'd only remain friends with him, he took the opportunity to have sex with you because you're always available to him. Available meaning, together too much within close proximity. Both of you are guilty of not enforcing strong and very clear boundaries from the very beginning of your friendship. He obviously had other ideas in mind. :upset:

 

You never said yes but you didn't say no either. You caved so it was consensual.

 

If you wish to avoid either a compromising predicament or entrapment in the future, don't place yourself in a vulnerable situation. With many scenarios, you shouldn't be 1:1 with a man because in some cases, date rape is all too common and most of them are unreported.

 

I've heard stories similar to yours. Don't be at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong man. Know how to stay safe.

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The person I moved in with was mother type figure. I just don't understand why after all this time, it's starting to bother me? Is that normal?

 

He was cultivating, nurturing and maintaining a friendship with you and then when the opportunity was ripe, he pounced on you. With all due respect, you were naive.

 

He manipulated your friendship with him. In this regard, yes, he took advantage of the friendship itself. Google the word "sociopath" to understand how people fool you, cast a spell over you because of their ulterior motives and their goal is to get what they want from you.

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Because you thought you'd only remain friends with him, he took the opportunity to have sex with you because you're always available to him. Available meaning, together too much within close proximity. Both of you are guilty of not enforcing strong and very clear boundaries from the very beginning of your friendship. He obviously had other ideas in mind. :upset:

 

You never said yes but you didn't say no either. You caved so it was consensual.

 

If you wish to avoid either a compromising predicament or entrapment in the future, don't place yourself in a vulnerable situation. With many scenarios, you shouldn't be 1:1 with a man because in some cases, date rape is all too common and most of them are unreported.

 

I've heard stories similar to yours. Don't be at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong man. Know how to stay safe.

 

Wait a minute, you are saying she's naive but if this guy had never tried anything before that then how could she have known that he would force himself on her? I think there is nothing wrong with having male friends. I have male friends and none of them have done anything like this to me. She did actually say "no" to him a number of times and that she didn't want to do anything, but he didn't listen and continued. In this sense I feel like she did what she could and she told him outright that she didn't want to do anything. I don't understand why you're kind of "victim blaming" here Cherylyn.

 

You're saying that she should never be alone with a man but really isn't it the man's responsibility to be a good person and not sexually assault his female friend? I have male friends and I should be allowed to be one-on-one with them without being taken advantage of because I'm relying on my male friends to be an actual decent human being.

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Wait a minute, you are saying she's naive but if this guy had never tried anything before that then how could she have known that he would force himself on her? I think there is nothing wrong with having male friends. I have male friends and none of them have done anything like this to me. She did actually say "no" to him a number of times and that she didn't want to do anything, but he didn't listen and continued. In this sense I feel like she did what she could and she told him outright that she didn't want to do anything. I don't understand why you're kind of "victim blaming" here Cherylyn.

 

You're saying that she should never be alone with a man but really isn't it the man's responsibility to be a good person and not sexually assault his female friend? I have male friends and I should be allowed to be one-on-one with them without being taken advantage of because I'm relying on my male friends to be an actual decent human being.

 

 

Thank you, I did feel like it was my fault for letting it continue but like I've stated earlier, I didn't think he was going to listen to me.

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Wait a minute, you are saying she's naive but if this guy had never tried anything before that then how could she have known that he would force himself on her? I think there is nothing wrong with having male friends. I have male friends and none of them have done anything like this to me. She did actually say "no" to him a number of times and that she didn't want to do anything, but he didn't listen and continued. In this sense I feel like she did what she could and she told him outright that she didn't want to do anything. I don't understand why you're kind of "victim blaming" here Cherylyn.

 

You're saying that she should never be alone with a man but really isn't it the man's responsibility to be a good person and not sexually assault his female friend? I have male friends and I should be allowed to be one-on-one with them without being taken advantage of because I'm relying on my male friends to be an actual decent human being.

 

I'm saying that young women in particular are indeed naive if they're very trusting of men in general. Just because a guy didn't force himself on a woman, there's no telling when it could happen.

 

My friend told me she has a nice male friend. They went to museums together, out to eat for MONTHS, enjoyed mutual social circles and all was seemingly innocuous. Then when he invited her to his apartment, she thought she'd just hang out and chat just like pals. WRONG!!! He chased her in his apartment, threw her on his bed, forced himself on her and fortunately, she was able to fight him off but not without intense struggle. She basically ran for her life out of his apartment! The worst part was he was her colleague and they had to pretend that nothing happened. She certainly couldn't prove it either.

 

"Victim blaming" comes from naivete and lack of experience when it comes to worldly behavior. Street smarts hadn't been developed yet.

 

I'm glad you have wonderful male friends and none of them ever attacked you nor took advantage of you. I'm just saying that you can't trust every man with an enclosed situation with zero witnesses to be had. As a woman, you place yourself in dicey situations when assaults could've been avoidable and preventable. If you're at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong guy and it's just 1:1, good luck. This can't end well and you do so at your own risk.

 

Trust with a man needs to cultivated, nurtured and maintained for a very long time and even then it can be a gamble depending upon a vulnerable situation, ulterior motives in advance and timely temptation which ends in force.

 

Date rape is very real. Some men even sprinkle tasteless, non-visible and odorless drugs in drinks and the poor woman wakes up dazed and confused following rape. Most rapes are unreported. It's the way of the world, unfortunately.

 

When I was newly married and living in an apartment on the 2nd floor, at 2AM, I overheard a young woman sobbing next to a pillar at my carport across the alley. I could see her from my window. I opened my window and asked her if I should call the police for her. She declined and said that after her date rape, no one would've believe her. She knew she was hosed. There were no witnesses and it was just her and her male friend in his apartment. It would be her word against his and everyone would surmise it was consensual. This is all too common, unfortunately.

 

A church friend was gang raped when she was in her early 20s. She was with male friends whom she thought she could trust. It was at a party, there were drinks and it was all bad. To this day, she is haunted by her worst nightmare.

 

I've been lucky in my life. I've never had male friends. (I'm thankful I wasn't popular!) I socialized in groups only which was safer. I followed my mother's wise advice regarding how women should remain safe which meant never being ALONE. I was very sheltered and went straight from my home to marriage and having a family.

 

There's nothing wrong with having trustful male friends which I think is great. I prefer to err on the side of caution by playing it safe in the first place IMHO. For women, it's better not to live with a world of regrets later when forced advances could've been avoidable and preventable.

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I've always had male friends and been alone with men many many times including ones I was dating and ones I was not. The only times I was assaulted (twice and I dated for 24 years on and off and I've had male friends for almost 40 years) were by men I did not know well but knew there was an attraction (in one case a second date, in another someone I met at Club Med who was drunk). I made a mistake in being alone with them and luckily it was only assault. But it didn't have to do with them being men. It had to do with them being near strangers and jerks in those situations. Just like a woman I did not know could have assaulted or robbed me. I am not naive and I believe in being cautious and careful and safe but not from the perspective that men will act on sexual attraction just because they feel it. They will act on it in a jerky way or a dangerous or evil way if the particular individual has values which justify that behavior. Not because he is attracted and "cannot help it" and absolutely not because he is male. It is unwise to invite a person you don't know well who is drunk into your private space, whatever gender.

 

I do regret inviting those men who assaulted me into my private space -I was trying to be "cool" and acted in an unsafe way. And I also was a victim. I also was assaulted by a group of four young women in broad daylight during the end of rush hour on a train in a major city. Unprovoked. Was I unsafe because I chose to ride a train on the way to a job interview at around 9am?

 

I would feel very unlucky if I never had had (and have) male friends. Some of the most special people I know and have known. And absolutely has made me a better wife not because all men are the same but certainly being close with and communicating with men over the years certainly lends a healthy perspective to relating to men. I'd feel sad for myself if I believed that men of integrity of character would act on sexual attraction without consent from the woman because it was an innate part of being male. I know it is not. And it's a shame when men are labeled that way.

 

OP -have male friends. Don't play with fire. Be clear and direct in your communication about what will and what will not happen. Stay sober around men you don't know well and don't be alone with a man who is drunk not because he can't help himself but if he chose to get drunk he chooses the consequences and if he chooses to be around you when his judgment is clouded he might act in ways that are unsafe. It's just common sense. But please do enjoy friendships with men and don't judge 'men" based on this jerk's behavior. I think he was a jerk because he made assumptions after you said no. I don't know how to label it and I wasn't there -I could see where he could say he was confused because you said no and your actions were inconsistent because you didn't push him off you. I think at the very least he acted like a jerk in dismissing your "no" and in pinning you down, etc. (pinning down is fine and fun with someone you're already involved with where consent is assumed -and both people enjoy that sort of thing but he knew you two were just friends and you'd invited him over to have a heart to heart platonically).

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I find some of these comments problematic, especially by Cherylyn. Sorry Cherylyn I don't think that a woman simply just can't have male friends and can't be alone with men at all. Of course it's good to be careful and for example not just go to someone's place that you don't really know.

 

But if a woman has had a male friend for a while and it was just friendship, then why is she considered naive if she was spending time alone with this friend? Most men are not predators and will not do this to a woman. I've had some male friends for many years and my partner doesn't mind if I have male friends. Sometimes I was alone with them for whatever reason and they have never done anything to me. Maybe some male friends expressed romantic or sexual interest in me, but when I told them I wasn't interested, they didn't touch me.

 

Saying "No, I don't want to do anything" should be more than enough to make that person stop. Just because she didn't physically push or fight the male friend off doesn't mean he had the go ahead to sexually assault her. People shouldn't just act like animals and just because that person wasn't fighting them, to keep sexually touching them. When you hear a "no" that means no.

 

Sexual consent needs to be given either verbally or by the person willingly engaging in sex. When the person said: "No, I don't want it", there was no consent.

 

Victim blaming is saying the woman deserved it because she wasn't fighting the guy, she was alone with a guy, or had a shorter skirt. She didn't deserve it in any of those cases. Sometimes in summer I might see a guy in a park with no shirt on because it's not. Does that mean he "asked for it" and I can go up to that guy and start sexually touching him?

 

We should be allowed to be alone with a friend because that person is supposed to be our FRIEND. By all means they can express that they like us or want sex but they shouldn't be doing anything when they were told "no".

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I've always had male friends and been alone with men many many times including ones I was dating and ones I was not. The only times I was assaulted (twice and I dated for 24 years on and off and I've had male friends for almost 40 years) were by men I did not know well but knew there was an attraction (in one case a second date, in another someone I met at Club Med who was drunk). I made a mistake in being alone with them and luckily it was only assault. But it didn't have to do with them being men. It had to do with them being near strangers and jerks in those situations. Just like a woman I did not know could have assaulted or robbed me. I am not naive and I believe in being cautious and careful and safe but not from the perspective that men will act on sexual attraction just because they feel it. They will act on it in a jerky way or a dangerous or evil way if the particular individual has values which justify that behavior. Not because he is attracted and "cannot help it" and absolutely not because he is male. It is unwise to invite a person you don't know well who is drunk into your private space, whatever gender.

 

I do regret inviting those men who assaulted me into my private space -I was trying to be "cool" and acted in an unsafe way. And I also was a victim. I also was assaulted by a group of four young women in broad daylight during the end of rush hour on a train in a major city. Unprovoked. Was I unsafe because I chose to ride a train on the way to a job interview at around 9am?

 

I would feel very unlucky if I never had had (and have) male friends. Some of the most special people I know and have known. And absolutely has made me a better wife not because all men are the same but certainly being close with and communicating with men over the years certainly lends a healthy perspective to relating to men. I'd feel sad for myself if I believed that men of integrity of character would act on sexual attraction without consent from the woman because it was an innate part of being male. I know it is not. And it's a shame when men are labeled that way.

 

OP -have male friends. Don't play with fire. Be clear and direct in your communication about what will and what will not happen. Stay sober around men you don't know well and don't be alone with a man who is drunk not because he can't help himself but if he chose to get drunk he chooses the consequences and if he chooses to be around you when his judgment is clouded he might act in ways that are unsafe. It's just common sense. But please do enjoy friendships with men and don't judge 'men" based on this jerk's behavior. I think he was a jerk because he made assumptions after you said no. I don't know how to label it and I wasn't there -I could see where he could say he was confused because you said no and your actions were inconsistent because you didn't push him off you. I think at the very least he acted like a jerk in dismissing your "no" and in pinning you down, etc. (pinning down is fine and fun with someone you're already involved with where consent is assumed -and both people enjoy that sort of thing but he knew you two were just friends and you'd invited him over to have a heart to heart platonically).

 

 

I guess I didn't mention it in my post that I did struggle; I had my legs locked but he pried them apart. At the time, I honestly thought it wasn't going to go anywhere with me saying no but like I've said, because he wasn't listening to me I rolled over in a sense.

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I've tried editing my post, I was just so eager to write this down and to hide this from my boyfriend that looking back, I did forget to mention that I locked my legs. I did try to push him off but nothing worked. At the time I honestly thought nothing was actually going to happen until it did.

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You need to talk to a therapist. All the memories of whatever the details of the incident were need to be discussed confidentially with a therapist. This is not a legal or medical advice site. Adding details here won't help you. You can't prosecute no so trying to make a case won't help. It will help to unburden yourself by going over these details with the appropriate trained professionals. And yes, your new bf does not need to hear about this.

 

As you can see from a poster who responded to this thread, victim blaming still happens. This type of personal sensitive information needs to be discussed with a therapist. Trying to take a survey here won't help you. You'll get opinions and that is not trained help. What's the point of that.?

 

Isn't the point to feel better and put this behind you so you can stop being haunted by it? Well the solution is to discuss it with the appropriate trained professional. Threads like this just stir up hurt and drama and will leave you worse for the wear. It will not solve your problems.

hide this from my boyfriend.
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I guess I didn't mention it in my post that I did struggle; I had my legs locked but he pried them apart. At the time, I honestly thought it wasn't going to go anywhere with me saying no but like I've said, because he wasn't listening to me I rolled over in a sense.

 

Yes, then he forced himself on you and acted like a jerk - for example, if you were tickling a child and the child said "stop" would you hold the child down so you could continue to tickle? He knew you had said no and were physically resisting. I can't give legal or medical advice either but sure at the very least he acted like a jerk and a bully.

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You need to talk to a therapist. All the memories of whatever the details of the incident were need to be discussed confidentially with a therapist. This is not a legal or medical advice site. Adding details here won't help you. You can't prosecute no so trying to make a case won't help. It will help to unburden yourself by going over these details with the appropriate trained professionals. And yes, your new bf does not need to hear about this.

 

As you can see from a poster who responded to this thread, victim blaming still happens. This type of personal sensitive information needs to be discussed with a therapist. Trying to take a survey here won't help you. You'll get opinions and that is not trained help. What's the point of that.?

 

Isn't the point to feel better and put this behind you so you can stop being haunted by it? Well the solution is to discuss it with the appropriate trained professional. Threads like this just stir up hurt and drama and will leave you worse for the wear. It will not solve your problems.

 

I have no intention of prosecuting him. I think what I was looking for was some validation that I wasn't blowing this out of proportion before going to a therapist. Even though I posted this the other day, it has helped just knowing that it wasn't in my head.

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Actually a therapist is the one who can respond to whether you are 'blowing it out of proportion". However that doesn't matter. Something is bothering you enough to keep letting this be in your way and that in itself can be helped with therapy.

I think what I was looking for was some validation that I wasn't blowing this out of proportion before going to a therapist. Even though I posted this the other day, it has helped just knowing that it wasn't in my head.
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