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Am I a bad person ?


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Hey..

 

My relationship with my partner of 20 months has been up and down, with him going through therapy, AA, grieving his mum dying and him trying to commit suicide.

 

I’ve seen him though, and stood by him as I thought we was in love too.

 

I started to think he was a narcissist bf as he was putting me down, saying I’m a tart, thick, out of his league intellectually, someone who’s not there for her son ( I work full time)

 

I came home from work last week...( he’s been out of work for 13 months, and just started a job)

And he said the house is a mess, I’m dirty and disgusting..thick etc...he hasn’t wanted sex with me for a month or so..and he’s leaving.

To which I agreed..I’d had enough of being treated that bad.

 

The next morning he said he should of finished it from date 3, and he was only with me as he was in a low place after his mum died.

 

I met a customer at work 3 weeks ago, who was lovely and kind, and yes, maybe, I was bowled over by his kindness after someone being horrid to me for so long.

And I told my partner, that someone has turned my head, and I was flattered by him, this has made me realise, the current partner isn’t for me.

 

I havnt cheated or took any numbers or anything, but I think, if I’m thinking of someone else, it proves the relationship isn’t right...

 

He’s leaving...but now telling everyone I’ve had an affair!

 

The way I see it, if you treated me the way I deserved to be treated, I wouldn’t of looked twice at someone else.

 

I have no intention of starting something new with anyone...but just the fact my head was turned was enough for me to know, the love had died.

 

Does this make me a bad person??

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Both of you have tried to hurt each other. Him with calling you names, and you by giving him the dig that another guy intrigued you. It's something you should've kept to yourself and used for your own insight, if you want to get technical about it.

 

Don't beat yourself up, though, since you haven't ruined anything good. He's the one making himself look bad by gossiping. Your real friends will stick around. Cut all contact with this toxic person so you can have closure.

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You are not a bad person. You did ignore many red flags -- signs that your guy was never emotionally available to date you. Before you monkey branch to this new guy have you really stood on your own for any period of time, not dating anyone & figuring out who you are & what you want?

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You're still allowing him to influence your thoughts. Because HE said you're a bad person and a cheater, you believe you are a bad person and a cheater.

 

It's time to get rid of the mindset that any opinion he has of you is valid, because it's not. Stop listening to him. He hasn't had your best interests in mind for a long time now, so why give his opinion any weight?

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This is from March:

 

"Broke up but still in love with each other

I hope someone can gently shed some light and help me, as I’m struggling.

 

I met my previous boyfriend..we instantly hit it off..had so much in common, interest, morals, plans, dreams, everything.....

He was my soulmate...and I was his.....❤️ We wanted to get married....

 

The problem... he past history of previous girlfriends have left him with a lot of scars and Insecurities.

He tried to commit suicide twice before I met him over broken relationships and things going on in his life...with no counselling afterwards?

 

I had no problem as I thought we could see this through.

 

I moved in with him....

 

He’s thoughts and jealousy got worse....

 

Long story short....whenever there’s any situation, he thinks the worse of me...instead of thinking rationally, he thinks I’m out to hurt him, or not care,

 

I find this extremely draining...and I lose my temper because of it...

I gave up my house, moved counties and changed jobs to be with this guy..and he still thinks the worse of me.

 

When I get annoyed with him, he has a go at me saying I’ve got anger problems..

When I’m just reacting to him.

I tried to get him to get counselling, and he said it’s couple counselling we need...!

Complete oblivious to his way...and blaming me...

 

.

 

Anyway...constant arguments have driven us to split up...and it’s painful in both sides.

He’s finally admitted before we broke up, that his judged me badly, by his exes....

As much as I broke down with relief...it feels to late...I’m still in love with him, but I’m so angry that he won’t see someone ...and pushes it on me...blaming me for not being soft and taking the accusations and thoughts he throws at me..

I feel I made a big commitment to this relationship by moving in, the least he could do is commit and see a counsellor...

 

 

Anyway...we’ve broke up...

And he messsged the other day to say...he definitely knows he dosnt want me back as a girlfriend ever..as we was rubbish as a couple! Which was hurtful....

But thinks we can be wonderful friends?

 

This is where I’m confused...how can you go from lovers to friends?

I’m struggling with that, and asked for a few months apart as it’s to raw for me...

 

Surly, if he loved me he would struggle to be friends too?

Or am I seeing it different"

 

 

So many red flags, from the start. Four months in, he and his son broke into your phone, but you stuck around.

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I havnt cheated or took any numbers or anything, but I think, if I’m thinking of someone else, it proves the relationship isn’t right...
Don't you think that you should have thought that the relationship "wasn't right" when he was calling you all of those names, he wasn't holding a job and he treated you like a deposit in the toilet?

 

Please look into getting your own therapy so that you work on your confidence, self-worth and boundaries with a professional that will keep you away from men like him because the first time he belittles you like that, you'll run from them instead of hanging around until you (think) you've found someone else. If you don't work on your codependency and self-worth, you are more likely than not, going to be attracted to someone just as bad as this guy... likely just like this time, it will be someone you "instantly hit it off with" that turned out to be an abusive arse.

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Perfect! Now redo your house, rid yourself of all remnants of this guy. Change the locks. Redo all your social media, including blocking and deleting him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. Then go out and do fun/nice things for yourself and with family and friends. When ready fix yourself up and get on some dating apps to start messaging and meeting men. "In recovery" is just one of the red flags to avoid next time.

It was my house, so he had to leave
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