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Why is my best friend of 11 years ghosting after moving out of friendzone


courtneyross52

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For more context, we both moved back home and are commuting from home for work post grad. He broke off his relationship about a month ago and things picked up where they had left off prior to their relationship (thatÂ’s a whole other long story). Anyway, weÂ’ve hung out a few times hooked up once or twice and I know he wants it to go further physically because he has mentioned it. We talked pretty much all day every day for the past few weeks and now all of a sudden heÂ’s ghosting me a bit. He asked me to take off work one day because he was going to be off and he wanted to spend time together so I did. That day comes and he says he doesnÂ’t think it will work because his family was still going to be home (again both living at home at the moment). I told him thatÂ’s fine but asked that we still hang out some way or another so that I didnÂ’t take off work for no reason and he agreedÂ… until he stopped answering me and ignored my texts. I feel kind of stupid and a bit hurt hurt because I should have just gone into work that day. He didnÂ’t text me until the following night until he sent me an unrelated text to which I didnÂ’t reply (pretty sure he was drunk as he was at a wedding that night) . I donÂ’t know what to do here. Do I ghost him back? Do I lay into him and tell him IÂ’m upset with him? I would think regardless of whatÂ’s happening between us now, heÂ’s have the common curtesy to at least tell me he couldnÂ’t hang out anymore. So much for 11 years of friendship I really donÂ’t feel cared about right now.

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He broke off his relationship about a month ago

 

He is in rebound mode. Getting involved with him romantically was a very bad idea. What you are experiencing is the emotional roller-coaster he is in due to his recent break-up. If you get with him, you open yourself to being used as an emotional band-aid to be jerked around wave after wave. The 11 years of friendship won't make any difference. He is in a messed-up state of mind hence his behavior. If you have become emotionally attached to him, at this point your best bet of not getting hurt further would be to have a frank discussion (that the timing is not right and he first needs to heal from his break-up before he embarks into anything romantic with another person) and then distance yourself as it is very improbably that you can provide any genuine support without getting hurt yourself if you have romantic feelings for him.

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He is rebounding. He just got out of a relationship, and looked to you for comfort. Not good.

 

If he is a great friend, i suggest you arrange a meet up to talk. What he did was wrong. I would also forget about any more hook ups, unless you want the friendship to be over.

 

He is not relationship material for you, or anyone at this point.

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Yeah I get that... me and him were very close to dating but I dropped the ball and he started dating this other girl because of it. That’s why I said things picked back up where they left off and it felt similar to the first time but I can see how things have changed. He broke up with his girlfriend because he didn’t feel the relationship was right for him and there was no reason for him to string her along so I felt maybe since he wasn’t hurt he wouldn’t be looking to rebound? I guess that sounds dumb thinking about that now :/

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It's best not to label someone your best friend (and you're not, since he placed you to the back burner when he got a gf), because friendships usually evolve into different stages and sometimes end due to a variety of reasons.

 

Obviously, his gf knew you two were not like brother and sister, hence the change in the dropping off of your "friendship."

 

You've now crossed another border of making out, and he's realized the mistake he's made--that's why he's backing off.

 

Ever hear of the saying, "Your feet take you to where your heart is." He's not by you. You don't have the place in his heart that you'd like. As for me, I don't plead for time from a friend or express anger about the lack of it, etc. In my mind, if I was a priority, he or she would make time for me. I put equal effort in, and if it's no effort, I let the friendship fade. This leaves me more time for people who actually care.

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Sorry to hear all this. No, don't miss any more work days. He won't respect you and you won't respect yourself for it. It's the wrong thing to do in this situation as neither of you are committed, have very little understanding of where each of you stand and this isn't the kind of "friendship" you think it is.

 

From now onwards, let him come to you and try and straighten yourself out when it comes to your other priorities. You're too emotionally attached to this person and call a spade a spade. This is not a friendship. You're crushing hard and he's not reciprocating (either he doesn't feel that way about you or it's not the right time). Be a bit more grown up about this and don't lower yourself like that again. Hope you feel better soon.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he is too freshly out of a relationship and the nebulous nature of what was happening (friend? fwb? dating? etc) simply made him step back. It's just too much too soon.

 

Further, he may have started dating so his physical needs are being met without contacting you. Frankly it's quite poor behavior from someone you call a friend. Ghost him back. Stop chasing anyone like this. You are better off dating someone.

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He broke off his relationship about a month ago

we’ve hung out a few times hooked up once or twice and I know he wants it to go further physically because he has mentioned it.

he stopped answering me and ignored my texts.

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Do you want a romantic relationship with him?

 

I’ve been single for quite some time now so yes ideally a relationship would be nice.. when we are together it is so fun and comfortable between us and I guess I just read the situation a different way than he did. I can’t decide if continuing to hang out with him is a good idea or not. I really love the time we spend together but this feeling sucks

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I’ve been single for quite some time now so yes ideally a relationship would be nice.. when we are together it is so fun and comfortable between us and I guess I just read the situation a different way than he did. I can’t decide if continuing to hang out with him is a good idea or not. I really love the time we spend together but this feeling sucks

 

I would not continue to hang out with him and I certainly would not continue to "hook up" with him. If you want to be in a relationship with him but he views you as a friend he has occasional sex with, it will hurt especially bad when he starts dating someone else.

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I’ve been single for quite some time now so yes ideally a relationship would be nice.. when we are together it is so fun and comfortable between us and I guess I just read the situation a different way than he did. I can’t decide if continuing to hang out with him is a good idea or not. I really love the time we spend together but this feeling sucks

 

Well if he’s ghosting you hanging out with him isn’t really an option anyway.

 

You have control over you though.

 

The only choice in your control right now unfortunately is whether you move on or continue he pinning hoping he will eventually feel the same, which hey it’s a possibility, but again be realistic about your ‘options’ you technically have none right now, you can’t ‘ghost someone back’ that’s not how it works, he’s kinda dangling the carrot and you’re calling into work, he’s got the power right now.

 

Take yours back.

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He's ghosting you because it's easier to drop you off the face of this Earth than man up and do the right thing which is explain anything to you right to your face. Ghosting is a cowardly act.

 

Since your texts have been ignored, return the favor and ghost him back PERMANENTLY. Never grovel, expect explanations for abhorrent behavior and learn to move on with your life WITHOUT him. He's a loser. Leave him a lone. You deserve to be with a true real best friend who acts like one.

 

I'm sorry you're hurt. Transform your hurt into strong intelligence and strength. Who needs him? You don't. You deserve to be with people who treat your with respect and common sense kindness. Everyone else is a REJECT.

 

Think straight and then you'll have clarity. Step back and look at the big picture, brush yourself off and soldier on with wisdom. You'll be ok!

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He broke off his relationship about a month ago

 

He's likely focused on old business. People don't 'intend' to rebound, so it's up to each of us to look out for ourselves by screening out anyone who's fresh out of a breakup as lousy relationship material. It doesn't mean they're lousy people, but it does mean that they have lousy judgment. So it makes no sense to mess around with anyone who hasn't yet had the time to stabilize solo as they resolve old business.

 

I would ghost him back--not as 'punishment' for blowing me off, but simply because anyone who's in the headspace to blow someone off won't have anything of value to offer as a reason why. They are not relationship material. Period. Better to just walk away, and if the guy ever grows enough as a human being to reflect and want to make this up to you, that's the only conversation worth having, and it would need to come from him.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

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