I’ve been in many weird financial situations with my dad over the years, and I need an outside opinion.
Just to start, I met my dad when I was 10 years old because he said I wasn’t his child, and claimed my mom was sleeping with other people while pregnant (they were only FWB, nothing serious just hooking up). My mom was also drinking and using drugs while pregnant with me, I was born kinda messed up and wasn’t expected to survive or function normally, so he figured it was best to walk away. He was also married with two kids in another country, and had recently gotten another woman pregnant down the street from my mom’s house. Around that time he was also married to a woman in Ohio for citizenship, but fortunately did not get her pregnant.
My mom eventually passed away when I was 14, and I went to live with my dad. He was adamant that I go to college, and told me he planned to refinance our house to pay for it. I went to college at 17, and when we got to the financial aid office, he had me take out student loans that he co-signed for. By the time I was 19, my dad decided I loved my grandma more than him and he shouldn’t be responsible for my education. He suddenly told me he didn’t want me at his house anymore, took my house keys, cell phone, and reported fraud to Sallie Mae on the most recent installment of student loans he co-signed for. That set off an identity theft investigation for my school funding, and my financial aid office notified me that if I didn’t pay all past loans or find a co-signer, I’d have to stop college. My grandma co-signed for me, and I finished undergrad. I didn’t speak to my father for 7 years after this incident.
Flash forward to 25, I was in a terribly physically abusive relationship with my older sister’s best guy friend in another state, and my sisters on my dad’s side were laughing about how stupid I was while telling him out of something like concern. I texted my younger sister a picture of my bruised and swollen face, and she showed my dad. We ended up reconnecting, and he and my grandmother helped me get back home. Soon after he had a major falling out with my younger and older brother and sister (they never got along anyhow), and I was the only child left who would talk to him. He started being nice to me and brought me a new car when mine broke down (to spite my sisters and buy my love). I needed and appreciated the car, and he offered for me to live with him since I had been sleeping on the couch at my grandma’s apartment.
Flash forward to this year, I was able to completely change my life, career and financial situation and I’m doing very well. I am still my father’s only option as I’m the only child who will speak to him, and he can’t maintain romantic relationships. I traded in the car he brought me when I was 25, and got a 2017 VW. He has horrible credit and will be retiring soon and needed a car. Since I work from home and rarely drive, we decided that I would lease a nice SUV since it snows where we live, and he would take over the payments for the Volkswagen and register it in his name. He kept pressing and asking me when I was getting the truck and started making remarks like, “You’re all talk. You’ve been saying you were getting a truck since forever, but you’re not going to do anything. Yea, big talk but can’t walk the walk”, stuff like that.
I finally got a new truck and gave him the keys to the VW this year, the day after I picked up the truck he told me he lost his job. He suggested keeping the car registered and insured in my name while he pays the insurance and taxes until he finds a new job. He found a new job a few months ago, and did not make the switch. Shortly after he crashed the car and got it repaired through my insurance. He said my insurance isn’t going to go up because he’s going to get his own very soon (makes no sense since he already crashed it in my name). Last week he told me he lost his new job.
Car taxes are charged twice each year in my state. The VW tax bill was around $500, and I paid the first half ($250) myself earlier this year. My dad knew taxes would be due soon, and was nagging me about paying the bill, and mentioned he paid his half. I’ve been very distracted lately, in a weird mental place and not paying attention as much as I should. I paid the second half of the bill entirely over the weekend ($250) thinking my dad paid his half already. When I saw my dad he was asking if I paid the tax bill, I told him I did. He asked how much he owed me, then stopped himself and said he didn’t owe me anything. He jokingly said I was being a criminal and trying to rip him off cause I drove the car for the first two months of the year and it was my responsibility. Again, I was in LaLa Land, and this somehow made sense to me so I didn’t question it.
My dad is worried about running out of money in retirement, and can only afford to retire back in his country. He owns a house in the US that he promised to use to pay for my older sister’s and later my college education, but did not pay for either. He instead took out a huge loan against it and invested in rental property that was built on a bad foundation. He poured tens of thousands into repairs for the property, but could not maintain it. The property was eventually demolished and he lost everything. The amount of money he owes on his house is far more than its worth, and he can’t afford to take the loss of selling it being so close to retirement.
He wants to put the house into my name when he leaves the country, and rent it out. He wants to finish the basement, leaving a room for himself so he won’t have to pay for hotel when he comes to the US for doctors appointments every 6 months. He also told me I have too much disposable income, and talked me into investing nearly 50% of my income into my 401k cause the company I work for makes unbelievable contributions. That way I can take out a loan against my 401k to buy another rental property, and he can be my property manager for both houses while in retirement.
Putting so much money into my 401k left me unable to pay some of my bills, and I depleted my personal liquid savings. My dad was pressuring me to leave the contribution at 50% claiming that’s how much he saves, and I’m just bad at managing my money. He said I’ll never get ahead, and he saw dumb girls who didn’t save at his job, and men would only use them for sex. Every pay period he’d ask about my 401k statement, and how much I had in there. It came to a breaking point when I had no more money in my savings account and my internet was about to get cut off. I changed the contribution and I’m still catching up on bills.
Years before I met my father, my mother used to tell me he was stingy and a liar. He only seriously dates women who can provide for him financially (but cheats anyhow). He’s currently looking for a woman with a pension, and state insurance benefits that are free after retirement for her and anybody she marries after. Most schoolteachers and state employees have this benefit. He’d also like her to have a house they can sell or rent out so he has enough to live in the US for 6 months out of the year.
He found a woman who met that criteria a few years ago, she even put him on her credit card account so he could have a card too. She sold her apartment in NYC to live with him, and all he did was cheat behind her back. When I asked him why he’d jeopardize her wellbeing that way, he said integrity is nonsense to him. Life is about what makes HIM happy and what gets HIM ahead. If a woman decides to sacrifice her life and finances for him, that was her decision and she needs to live with the consequences. He never put a gun to her head or forced her to invest in him, so it’s not his problem. The second this woman left the house, he had his rotation of FWBs come over and didn’t care. The woman eventually left and moved into her ex husbands apartment with her 17 year old daughter. My dad is currently looking for a replacement.
Many other things happened that would take up too much time to tell you about, but I’m starting to wonder what I should do about my father being involved in my finances. I just want an outside opinion.
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