How do I get over feeling terrified?

[Venna]

It’s been 21 years since I’ve had sex. I just always thought being sexless was going to be my life until I die. Recently, though, circumstances have changed and I am dying to find a sexual relationship with a man... but also terrified. How do I convince myself I can do this? And do you think there’s even a guy out there who would be interested?

[Hollyj]

I would not tell them. tI is no ones business how long it has been.

I think that once you find the right guy, your fears will disappear.

Good luck.

[melancholy123]

What are you terrified of? Confronting what exactly the problem is should help define it and you can figure out why you feel the way you do.

[Venna]

I thought about that after my bff told me to keep it to myself, but I’m worried about 2 things: first, what if he can tell? and if that doesn’t happen, then I worry that at some point he may run across my husband (that I’m divorcing) and it will come up (that we’ve never had sex). I’m not sure I can hide something like this... do you think?

[Venna]

I’m terrified of it all... can I even find a guy? How do I explain it all? The problem is already defined... it was mostly because my husband couldn’t, and I was way okay with it all these years because of an incident I almost had when I was 15. I managed to fight off an attacker, but it really changed the way I viewed men for the rest of my life. So when I found my husband and he told me of his problem... perfect match. We have had a wonderful life, sans intimacy.

[Jibralta]

Well, if your husband couldn't have sex, it's unlikely that he would announce that to any potential suitors of yours. So, I doubt you need to worry on that front, at least ;)

[Hollyj]

I thought about that after my bff told me to keep it to myself, but I’m worried about 2 things: first, what if he can tell? and if that doesn’t happen, then I worry that at some point he may run across my husband (that I’m divorcing) and it will come up (that we’ve never had sex). I’m not sure I can hide something like this... do you think?

You have never had sex?

Have you gone to therapy for the attack? You need to deal with these fears.

[Hollyj]

Well, if your husband couldn't have sex, it's unlikely that he would announce that to any potential suitors of yours. So, I doubt you need to worry on that front, at least ;)

I agree with this. This is not something that will come up in any convo.

[MissCanuck]

I find it highly unlikely your ex-husband will reveal he has performance issues to any man you are dating, OP.

What you need to do is address the fear and unresolved pain from your own past. That is likely going to require therapy. No shame in that, but I doubt you will be able to manage it on your own if it's been 21 years and little has changed in your views on men and sexual intimacy.

[MirrorKnight]

Go to therapy to try to resolve any fears around intimacy that you may still have due to the attack when you were 15. I am sorry it has had such an effect on you.

I’m terrified of it all... can I even find a guy? How do I explain it all?

The finding a guy bit should be easy, the trick is just finding a good man. I'm afraid there is no magic solution for that. As for the explanation... don't overthink it. Any decent guy would not mind one bit. If anyone gets funny about it, it is actually a good litmus test for their maturity and empathy, a test which, if they fail, you can safely pass on them and move on.