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Thread: What about my dream?

  1. #21
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    But that is not love and affection - that is a person you know socially expressing interest in dating you, and he is still married. You are not deprived - you have chosen to stop dating so you have chosen not to pursue potential opportunities which is fine. It's really helpful to stop taking a passive/victim/this is my destiny type mindset. You don't do that in your job, right? You don't do that when you take care of your nephew, right? You act in a confident, "I can do this" and self-accountable way. Same thing for your love life or potential love life -you can do this!

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cannelle
    Thank you everyone for your testimonies, it helps me think.

    Yesterday I went to a birthday party at some good (married) friends of mine. There was this man who I often see in those social gathering. He's attractive and has always been nice to me but I never developed a friendship with him because he was married. Now he's separated from his wife since 2 months so everytime we see each other in those gathering he really takes the time to talk to me and get to know me. Yesterday he told me that he really likes me and would like to have something serious with me. He even told me he would have no problem having another child if we were together. I'm attracted to him but I declined his offer to go on a date with him. I told him to get his separation-divorce fixed first and then ask me again. I cannot for the life of me imagine someone being ready so soon for a new relationship and I don't want drama in my life.
    That story gave me hope though...
    It's hard to resist love and affection when I'm so deprived...
    Good call. Two months is a bit too soon. Try working yourself out of the "deprived" state (woe is me). It's unattractive if you're dating or trying to attract potential partners. Like any void or pain that we all go through, you'll have to learn to heal yourself and recover from it or it will consume you. This has consumed you quite a bit. When I read through the thread I just saw a giant gaping wound. You're a walking advertisement for sadness and self-sabotage.

    As women (and men), not all of us will be able to have children. That's something we all need to make peace with. Some of us have one child and want more but can't. One was a fluke or a miracle in and of itself. Myself, like others, may want more but we can't. I don't think it should begin to corrode at your self-worth so badly. You are made up of many other things and, hopefully, many other dreams. I'm a firm believer that you'll attract the men you want to attract if you work on your feelings of inadequacy and deprivation. You are NOT deprived. You have life and that's a lot that some people don't have anymore. If you can walk, do your own groceries, clean yourself, go to work, feed yourself, you are doing far more than some who are bedridden or ill, sick, dying or immobilized.

    I second all the suggestions limiting your contact with your baby-crazed friends. They're happy and you should be happy for them but don't compare yourself to them or become so consumed by what you don't have. Practice more gratitude in your life. Work on that pain inside you and start healing yourself. Don't depend on a man to heal you or an acceptable partner. You're a walking sore doing that. You have far more already than many.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    But that is not love and affection - that is a person you know socially expressing interest in dating you, and he is still married. You are not deprived - you have chosen to stop dating so you have chosen not to pursue potential opportunities which is fine. It's really helpful to stop taking a passive/victim/this is my destiny type mindset. You don't do that in your job, right? You don't do that when you take care of your nephew, right? You act in a confident, "I can do this" and self-accountable way. Same thing for your love life or potential love life -you can do this!
    I really think that the thing that is killing me in all that story is the "victim-destiny" attitude I have toward that specific topic.
    It makes me feel helpless. I think I do it because I'm tired of fighting this battle and realize that my dream (finding love and a baby) is NOT entirely up to me. My career was hard to get but it was all up to me, and so many apparently inaccessible goals were up to me. I just had to sacrifice, work hard and at the end, I would get it...However, his dream... is not all up to me and there is a possibility that it might not happen so it frustrates me. That's when I enter the "destiny" or anger mode disguised as "victim" mode.
    ...I have to work on it...

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Good call. Two months is a bit too soon. Try working yourself out of the "deprived" state (woe is me). It's unattractive if you're dating or trying to attract potential partners. Like any void or pain that we all go through, you'll have to learn to heal yourself and recover from it or it will consume you. This has consumed you quite a bit. When I read through the thread I just saw a giant gaping wound. You're a walking advertisement for sadness and self-sabotage.

    As women (and men), not all of us will be able to have children. That's something we all need to make peace with. Some of us have one child and want more but can't. One was a fluke or a miracle in and of itself. Myself, like others, may want more but we can't. I don't think it should begin to corrode at your self-worth so badly. You are made up of many other things and, hopefully, many other dreams. I'm a firm believer that you'll attract the men you want to attract if you work on your feelings of inadequacy and deprivation. You are NOT deprived. You have life and that's a lot that some people don't have anymore. If you can walk, do your own groceries, clean yourself, go to work, feed yourself, you are doing far more than some who are bedridden or ill, sick, dying or immobilized.

    I second all the suggestions limiting your contact with your baby-crazed friends. They're happy and you should be happy for them but don't compare yourself to them or become so consumed by what you don't have. Practice more gratitude in your life. Work on that pain inside you and start healing yourself. Don't depend on a man to heal you or an acceptable partner. You're a walking sore doing that. You have far more already than many.
    That is so true. Having 7 women being pregnant all at the same time at work shook me. It was like so many "wake up, do something before it's too late " alarm bell ringing. I need to put my focus elsewhere. I already work out and have started meditation. It helps. I have to find something more to make the occasional "panic" go away. I'm gonna engage more on my passions\hobbies...

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Cannelle
    I really think that the thing that is killing me in all that story is the "victim-destiny" attitude I have toward that specific topic.
    It makes me feel helpless. I think I do it because I'm tired of fighting this battle and realize that my dream (finding love and a baby) is NOT entirely up to me. My career was hard to get but it was all up to me, and so many apparently inaccessible goals were up to me. I just had to sacrifice, work hard and at the end, I would get it...However, his dream... is not all up to me and there is a possibility that it might not happen so it frustrates me. That's when I enter the "destiny" or anger mode disguised as "victim" mode.
    ...I have to work on it...
    Well sure but not all goals are accessible despite hard work and I agree finding a partner who you love and who loves you and wants the same thing isn't entirely up to grit and hard work. But if you know you gave it your all then you rest easy knowing you didn't get in your own way. To me victim mentality is getting in your own way. Also think about whether you're looking for "love" -a feeling - or a good match which involves both head and heart, not just "love" as a feeling - it involves loving as giving and also involves compatibility, similar life goals, similar values -at least if you want a decent shot at it lasting.

    I did find among some "smug marrieds" that they equated finding a partner with finding a career/excelling at a career/accomplishing a higher degree. Sometimes that was because finding a partner was relatively easy for them. Sometimes it was because they were acting like smug jerks.

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