Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 25

Thread: What about my dream?

  1. #11
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    14
    Thank you for your input. I have 2 nephews and has my brother is estranged from his wife, I helped him raise the kids since they were babies. I would babysit all weekend at first , then every second we. Meaning: bathing, changing diapers, make them eat, teach them how to speak, toilet clean, and bedtime stories. It is a LOT of work and I would do sometimes an entire week. That's why I really don't see myself being a single mother. I can't imagine being away at work all day to provide for them while someone else in daycare get to "raise" them. I would only see that baby at night after work after a stressful day. So no. The only way I see myself being a single mother is if I win the lottery(I Know, not realistic at all :-) Then I could really be there for them or him-her .
    I still babysit my friends babies from time to time but sometime if feel some pain in my heart because as much as I care for those kids, they're not mine...Will I always be taking care of other peoples children?...

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    First thing I want to say reading this is: stop listening to your friend. You already know you don't find her journey particularly inspiring and it doesn't sound like she's found peace with her choices either. Kind of sounds like she wants you to "join the club"—not the club of motherhood, but the club of becoming a mother through decisions that were never reckoned with—so she can feel less alone in her turbulence.

    So, skip that. Now you can start listening to you.

    Not easy, I know. I think one of the hardest things about life are these moments: when certain dreams stop becoming feasible realities, and either require letting go of or seriously rethinking in order to realize. In your shoes, I think you've reached a moment where you have to start doing some hard math, some serious thinking. Basically you have to think about whether being a single mother is a version of that dream that you can pursue with more joy than fear, more pleasure than despair.

    I like Cheryl's suggestion about volunteer work that brings you in contact with kids, with childcare. It's likely to make thinking about this a bit clearer, a bit less abstract, where leaning on your friend spins you in a loop, into a knot. Can't say I agree that it "takes two" parents to raise a child, since plenty of children get raised, and well, in single-parent homes. Adults die, adults abandon families, and kids have been emerging beautifully from those worlds for centuries. Some, of course, don't do so well, though that applies to every conceivable version of family one can imagine. I'm the product of a single mother, loved it. My mom loved being a single mother, managed to keep me on the rails, founded and ran a thriving business, had an enriching social life, and so on. Not the cards she expected life to deal her, but she played them with panache. A lovely thing for me to grow up around.

    Anyhow, one rudimentary but effective thing I like to do is what I call the "gun-to-head" test. So, gun-to-head, if tonight you have a dubious one night stand and learn in 6 weeks that you are pregnant what do you think is the dominant reaction? Are you thrilled? Are you miserable? It's complicated, I know. But I do think we kind of "know" these answers.

    If the answer is "thrilled"—well, that means you're open to the single mother option, scary as it is, to which I'd say sperm donation and/or adoption is the less complicated, more intentional route than passive flings with FWBs with the active motive hidden. You might not like yourself very much taking that track—see your friend for evidence—and kids really like being raised by people who like themselves. If the answer is "miserable"—then I'd say that romantic partnership remains a more dominant life goal than being a mother, at least in a vacuum. Which would mean having to let go of and mourn that dream, while embracing the very real, heartwarming fact that romantic partnership is more than possible at any age.

    Not sure this counts as testimony, but: I'm right at that age (turning 40 in two weeks) where I'm seeing, and have seen, a number of my female friends struggle with these questions, ranging from my single friends to, in one case, a friend of mine who is happily married and still 50/50 on whether she wants to be a mom, to a few friends who rationalized a relationship/marriage to become mothers. The friends who really tried to tell themselves one story (I think he and I are great together!) to mute another (I really want a kid!) are not very happy, or now taking hard steps—divorce—to find happiness. The ones who have fought to listen to themselves, and take bold steps, including one friend of mine who adopted as a single mom, are the happier.
    Hi Bluecastle,
    I almost cried at your question, when you asked If I were to be accidentally pregnant, what would be my reaction. The answer is a very easy and happy YES. I would find solutions. I would make it great. I don't know how but that kid would have all of me even if it's hard.
    That's why I still think of adoption. but the money is not enough right now so I have to be realist. The choice of waiting for the right guy is appealing but very scary at the same time because what if he doesn't share that dream. I might not be able to have a baby naturally at that age so why would he want to adopt?? Can he be the man of my dream if by being with him I have to forget about my very dream?
    The only thing I'm sure of is that I never want to be in a loveless relationship. I'd rather be single. I'm pretty happy single.
    Anyway my pregnant friend at work is having her baby soon and want to babysit. I'm so happy around kids that she has no idea how desperate and scared I am inside...

  3. #13
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    16,341
    I'm not offended easily, but I found Cherylyns post offensive as heck. Jesus, I can't even.

    I'll post later, still thinking what I can add that will be helpful to OP in some way.

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    So I’ll ask you - since you chose to spend time with a man who didn’t want a baby isn’t it you who forgot you and not god? If you really wanted the opportunity to have a baby why would you waste time with someone who didn’t ?
    Sure some people lie or change their minds but if someone is honest with you from early on about not being sure or not wanting a child why date that person ? It doesn’t matter if your office is full of pregnant people. Yes it stings but obviously it takes nothing away from you.
    I would give my best shot to meeting men who are looking to settle down and try for a family and promise yourself you will only date men who want this. At the very least you will know you tried. And do your best to save $ - I did for 11 years before I gave birth because I knew I wanted the option of being home with a child even if the person I married couldn’t be the sole provider (this was hypothetical - I didn’t have a real person in mind)
    I know how very hard this is and I wish you the best.
    yes indeed I dated and loved a man who didn't want children but that was right after leaving my long relationship where we were trying to have a babies. I was exhausted from all the fertility treatments, didn't have any money left. I was also tired of no loving my partner (I saw him as a friend). so when I met this guy, I just decided to finally take a break from trying to have a baby and just be in a loving relationship. See if I could accept that the kid was not in the cards for me and just live. I learned a lot from this relationship, that's why and unloving relationship is now out of question. After a year my dream came back so we parted ways...
    So you're right, maybe God has not forgotten me, maybe I need to "work " more on my dream. I'm saving my money, I don't go out with men who do not want a family but it's very hard. I haven't gone on a date since 6 months because of it...I'm just exhausted...and I'm losing faith... I don't know anymore: maybe God wants something else for my life, maybe he-she wants me to fight harder... But this week, I'm exhausted, scared and sad...Thank you for your words, it helps...

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,432
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Cannelle
    But is it even possible at my age? I’m mid 40’s now AND single. The men I meet are divorced and not eager to start a family again.
    My sister did it, but she has the income to support herself and her child for years to come, even if she loses her job tomorrow.

    Even so, she is still going to face challenges.

    Part of the reason she went IVF without a partner was because the men she was meeting already had children and were not keen to be "tied down" to more.

    This way, she is able to raise a child AND she has theoretically alleviated the parenthood burden from future potential mates.

    However, ironically, I think that she is probably too controlling of a person to permit a truly blended family, where both adults (and not just her) have a say in the rearing of her child.

    In other words, she will still have a difficult time finding a true partner.

    So, she may walk a lonely road, regardless.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,457
    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    My sister did it, but she has the income to support herself and her child for years to come, even if she loses her job tomorrow.

    Even so, she is still going to face challenges.

    Part of the reason she went IVF without a partner was because the men she was meeting already had children and were not keen to be "tied down" to more.

    This way, she is able to raise a child AND she has theoretically alleviated the parenthood burden from future potential mates.

    However, ironically, I think that she is probably too controlling of a person to permit a truly blended family, where both adults (and not just her) have a say in the rearing of her child.

    In other words, she will still have a difficult time finding a true partner.

    So, she may walk a lonely road, regardless.
    It touched me how you described this. My sister is spot on about me too as you are about your sister. And it shows how muddled and complicated it can be (and why I limited my personal decision to.... personal -just my assessment of single motherhood by choice not anyone else's).
    OP - I understand your motives -not that it's really my business! - why you dated that man for a year. I get the exhaustion, I felt it too. I get the cringing at people near you with pregnant bellies/kids. I get it, I hear you. It's you know the old god helps them who help themselves and.... still there are no guarantees. At all. I've been vicariously through (although it took me the better part of a year or more to get pregnant at 40-41) the IVF and other interventions with friends both single and married and not all were "advanced maternal age". I cannot imagine, a small part of me can. I am sorry you went through that.

    It is exhausting. Take a rest; dating can be exhausting and I too got in my own way. Then decide how badly you want this. I wish you all the best. Also what you did for your nephew is really something, inspirational.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,432
    Gender
    Female
    Yeah, I think it's a very complicated, personal choice. Everyone has to find their own way and find confidence and strength in their choices.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,070
    My friend had a baby by one of the most awful means possible...by having an affair with a married man.

    That man disavows the child, but she is loving motherhood. She's constantly posting on social media all the fun things she's doing with her child. She's one of those moms who didn't stop doing things when she had her child, she just strapped the baby into a sling and brought her along. That baby has been on more airplane trips in 9 months than I've been on in the past few years. She's a really good mother.

    And she's "older"...mid 30s.

    She does have family help, so there is that.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,457
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    My friend had a baby by one of the most awful means possible...by having an affair with a married man.

    That man disavows the child, but she is loving motherhood. She's constantly posting on social media all the fun things she's doing with her child. She's one of those moms who didn't stop doing things when she had her child, she just strapped the baby into a sling and brought her along. That baby has been on more airplane trips in 9 months than I've been on in the past few years. She's a really good mother.

    And she's "older"...mid 30s.

    She does have family help, so there is that.
    Wow now that's complicated. That's great that her child is able to come along in that way. Depends on whether there are special needs involved or allergies, etc. Mine was "typical" and did best in every way on a consistent sleep and nap schedule. He still does (sleep not nap). We did travel when he was a baby and it was challenging in part because of that. She is fortunate in that respect and the family help is huge - glad she is having fun!

  11. #20
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    14
    Thank you everyone for your testimonies, it helps me think.

    Yesterday I went to a birthday party at some good (married) friends of mine. There was this man who I often see in those social gathering. He's attractive and has always been nice to me but I never developed a friendship with him because he was married. Now he's separated from his wife since 2 months so everytime we see each other in those gathering he really takes the time to talk to me and get to know me. Yesterday he told me that he really likes me and would like to have something serious with me. He even told me he would have no problem having another child if we were together. I'm attracted to him but I declined his offer to go on a date with him. I told him to get his separation-divorce fixed first and then ask me again. I cannot for the life of me imagine someone being ready so soon for a new relationship and I don't want drama in my life.
    That story gave me hope though...
    It's hard to resist love and affection when I'm so deprived...

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •