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Thread: Need advice on how to proceed

  1. #1

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    Sep 2019
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    Need advice on how to proceed

    So I think I have made a mistake, and ruined what could have been a good thing.

    I have known this guy for a few years now, just acquaintances really, as he has worked at various pubs and venues in my area.
    An older publican warned me against him, saying that he was a player... but as I wasn't interested, I really didn't care about his social life.
    The past few months, I have been going to my local on a more regular basis, and he reached out on social media. We've since chatted back and forth daily, getting more playful and flirtatious.

    The other night, he'd had a bad day, was in pain, and was basically just feeling down. I offered to go round for a cuddle (we were both feeling lonely, haven't been sleeping well, and we've been hinting at it for a while now), on the proviso of no sex. I do have to add, that this is something that I have never done... I've never even had a one night stand.
    He said okay, but only on the proviso that I wouldn't regret it, that he'd rather me tell him to leave me alone, rather than be a regret. I was fine with that.
    I went around, he was in the shower, lights off, and had left the door open. So I sat on the floor and we just chatted about normal things. It progressed to the bedroom and we jumped into bed (naked, because that's how we both sleep).
    Now I'm a snuggler, there's no such thing as personal space if I'm sleeping with someone. Which he was surprised about, but was happy to oblige. He stroked my back, kissed my forehead, and we just chatted quietly. I've never felt more comfortable talking with someone before, and I did open up and tell him things that I really didn't want anyone to know. (I normally don't communicate about my thoughts or feelings, or anything overly personal).
    While we didn't have sex, there was some intimate touching, and kissing, mostly initiated by me (mixed signals, I know), but he respected my wishes and didn't take it any further.
    It really was a very nice and comforting experience, that I didn't, and don't regret. However...

    Last night, as per a normal Thursday, I went to the local to catch up with people, and he was there. Having never been in this situation before, I honestly didn't know how to react, especially at his place of work. Plus I was feeling quite vulnerable and exposed about some of the things we had spoken about. So I did come across as somewhat standoffish. On top of that, One of the guys told me that he had been messaging another lady who frequented the pub, trying to get in her pants, but she was knocking him back. I was fine with him doing that, he's a single guy, but it set up red flags for me, I felt, that if people are talking about her, then what might they be saying about me? Especially after the things we had spoken about.

    I went straight home, and continued to indulge in too many beers, and sent him a message to apologise for being standoffish, and that I was feeling uncomfortable with some of the things that I had said that night, and that I didn't want any of it getting back to anyone.
    He took it as that I regretted the entire thing, and that he wished that if that were the case, that I should have told him to leave me alone.
    I said that the only thing I regretted was being open about this one thing, that I really should have kept to myself. But as to the rest of it, no regrets at all.
    He then took offense to me thinking that he might talk to people about what happened, and that I should have trusted him.
    Having had a few beers, I did get upset, and made a mountain out of a molehill about this one thing (it was something that happened last year, that I still haven't dealt with emotionally) and the conversation came to close.

    He sent me a message this morning, saying that I need to try not to overthink things, to learn to love the good and let the bad things go, and to not say sorry, because sorry is just a word to excuse our actions (something along those lines anyway).
    I replied an hour or so later, acknowledging that yes, I do need to learn more about myself, and more importantly, make changes. And thanked him.
    He asked if I was 'over my moment now?' and I said yes. That I do over think things, and that I keep things inside, and at times I mentally spiral and crash and burn. And that I was embarrassed that I aimed it at him.

    I haven't heard anything since, nor have I attempted to make any further contact.

    I don't know what I should do from here... I've never been in this kind of situation, not even close. It was a really nice and comforting night, and I really enjoy our banter, but I let my fears carry me away, and he probably won't reach out again.
    I feel like avoiding the local, because I don't know how to act around him. And I've deleted his number so that I don't invade his personal space (I can do that sometimes).

    I'm just at a loss as to where to go from here.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It seems you already know about his reputation as a "player". You can't unsay or undo anything, so all you can do is hope he doesn't brag and deride you like he talks about other women. In the meantime do not hang out at the bar where he works. He most likely told everyone everything about your encounter, if he's the kiss and tell type.
    Originally Posted by Mac83
    One of the guys told me that he had been messaging another lady who frequented the pub, trying to get in her pants, but she was knocking him back. I was fine with him doing that, he's a single guy, but it set up red flags for me, I felt, that if people are talking about her, then what might they be saying about me?
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 09-13-2019 at 12:05 PM.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what the problem is. You don't sound open to a relationship or are you? It was a nice evening. You get into his bed for some companionship for the night but then get insecure that he texts other women. You barely know this guy. I'm curious if you feel emotionally attached?

    I think it's fine that you apologized (shows some manners). I wouldn't place too much importance on what he thinks. Say whatever you want to say. He seemed to make a mockery out of your "moment" calling it that. What a POS. Please.

    Whatever you have to work through, work through it - that thing you're referencing from last year. Don't worry so much over what other people think of you. You're bound to annoy someone at some point (we all do). Bring your self-confidence up a little.

  4. #4
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    You unfortunately applied a lot more emotional meaning to the night than he did.

    He enjoyed your company and was hoping for sex. He didn't push for it, but no doubt that was his goal here. Had things gone well even in the following days, I am sure he would've tried again to get you in bed. When you started to feel insecure and became emotional and distressed thereafter, he kiboshed the whole thing.

    I don't believe this was going to evolve into anything but a FWB arrangement, to be clear. So in that sense, you're not missing much. It's evident you wouldn't be comfortable with that, which is fine, but this guy isn't trying to date you and I don't think he ever really was.

    For you own piece of mind, I wouldn't be going back to that pub until you feel fairly indifferent about seeing him there and hearing tales of his other pursuits.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I offered to go round for a cuddle (we were both feeling lonely, haven't been sleeping well, and we've been hinting at it for a while now), on the proviso of no sex. I do have to add, that this is something that I have never done... I've never even had a one night stand.
    I think you should just let it fade because he is THE last person you should want to lose your virginity to. (or are you just saying you've never gotten into a bed naked with a random?) He's a player you say and he will shred your heart because he will take what you give and if he IS a player, he will have you giving it faster than you can say S.T.D. and he will do so without committing to you in any way.

    Please don't get naked and get into bed with a man you've not even ever dated again, save that for when you are in a proper relationship with someone who has shown you in actions that they care about you. You are very lucky that you didn't get taken advantage of. You may not be so lucky the next time.


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