He's talking to his Ex

[Betrayed Wif]

Hi all,

I discovered Thursday last week through Find My iPhone that my husband of 18 years was at his ex girlfriends house. This sent me into a downward spiral that I cannot get out of

HISTORY
They dates for about 6 months back in 1993/4 (yes 25 years ago) and she cheated on him. She was also pregnant with his child at the time and didn't tell him until the child was 7 (we were newlyweds at the time) About 12 months after that, the ex called me when she know my partner wasn't home and told me that she would get him back one day. This turned what was a good and positive relationship sour. over the years she has continued to try to be manipulative. My step daughter ended up running away from home at 15 and has not lived with her mother since. When she turned 18, at my request, my husband deleted her off Facebook.

NOW
I confronted my husband on Thursday night about him being there, he has assured me that they were just talking and there is nothing more to it (and I do believe this), however in the last 9 or so months they have met up 3 times in secret. He says they spoke about their daughter, work and the old days.

We are communicating well but the ex wont go away, he messaged her to politely tell her that they cant meet up anymore, and she replied insinuating that I was me being petty and keeping them apart. I actually had offered for him to still talk to her if what he needs, but he made the choice that me and our family was more important.

What do I do?

Help

[melancholy123]

If he really doesnt want to talk to the ex he can block her on his phone or get a new phone #. The fact he hasnt done this makes me wonder if there's more going on than he tells you.

[~Seraphim ~]

You had him delete his child off FB?

[Betrayed Wif]

You had him delete his child off FB?

Certainly not. We have a great relationship with her. I had him delete his ex.

[SherrySher]

You had him delete his child off FB?

Yes, exactly. What right do you have to take a father out of a child's life? She deserves to have her father around, and it's not for you to demand her not have her in his life or on his FB.

This isn't a problem with his ex, this is a problem with your husband. He keeps running back to her. He could say no, or he could keep it strictly text or phone to discuss their daughter. But HE is the one who agrees to meet her and goes running when she call's.

It's him you need to be upset at, not the ex. And stop taking it out on an innocent kid.

[SherrySher]

When she turned 18, at my request, my husband deleted her off Facebook.

Apologies, but the way this is worded, it sounds like you meant the daughter.

However, this is a problem with your husband, not the ex. The ex could be as manipulative as possible but your husband is the one who keeps going to her.

You need to talk to him and ask him what he's up to. He is the one with the problem here.

[~Seraphim ~]

Ah, ok, it wasn’t clear.

Certainly not. We have a great relationship with her. I had him delete his ex.

[Hollyj]

Your husband is the problem.

The daughter is an adult there is NO reason why he should have any communication with the ex. Also, why is he keeping these little meet ups a secret? Why would you believe anything that he is telling you!

I am sorry, but it sounds like he is cheating. He should be meeting up or having any communication with this woman.

He should have blocked her long ago, and without your urging. And not just FB.

[Billie28]

What happened when the child was 7 to make the ex come forward and say he fathered her kid?
Recently single?
At that point you both as a couple should have sat down to a discussion with her as to what she wants?
Involvement in the child’s life, money , what?
What did eventuate? Did your husband pay child support or actively play a father role?
Was there ever DNA testing to prove he is the father? Since the daughter is now 18, that can be done without the mothers involvement.
They had a brief dating period during which she cheated on your husband.
How would you know if he is the father or not?

[nutbrownhare]

This is a really tricky one. Even though he may not be having sexual relations with this woman, he is still having an intimate friendship which happens in secret, and behind your back. She could be the most manipulative ***** in the world, but it's your husband who's still allowing her to contact him. If he were serious about cutting off relations, he could block her and refuse to meet up with her - but he chooses not to.

This is tremendously undermining for your trust in him, and for your relationship as a whole. Until and unless he REALLY deletes her from his life, you will be eating your heart out, wondering if he's telling the truth, wondering where he is and who he's with when he's out. And also wondering if you're blowing this up out of all proportion, and it's nothing really. All this is having a devastating effect on your self esteem, and this is only likely to get worse as time goes on.

He's already told you that you and your family are more important. In this context, this is meaningless. People who have physical affairs mostly consider their wives/husbands/families more important than the affair partner, which is why so few leave their wives. It doesn't stop them having affairs.

I've been in a situation where an ex-wife was still very much in my partner's life for no practical reason; she escalated her behaviours and was being a real pain in the ****, and my (then) partner wanted to 'keep her sweet'. Eventually, I told him to choose. He could either maintain his friendship with this woman, or have a relationship with me - but not both. By that time I was so fed up with everything that I was prepared to walk, so this was no empty threat.

We only know what you've told us on here and not your entire living situation. However, I'd be treating this as if it were any other kind of affair, and acknowledging it for the betrayal that it is. Don't try to be 'reasonable' and tell him to keep in touch with her if he wants to; while it would be inappropriate to police his friends, male or female, this is different. They have history, and it is her avowed intent to break up your marriage - not an innocent friendship, and you shouldn't be treating it as one. Couples CAN move beyond affairs, but the first thing that needs to happen is that the cheating partner cuts off ALL contact with the affair partner.

He and his ex no longer share childcaring duties and there's no legitimate reason for them to stay in contact.

(((HUGS))) and I hope this works out for you.