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Thread: birthday present advice

  1. #1
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    birthday present advice

    So this is kind of an offshoot question from a recent thread I made (Here: [Register to see the link] ) where my boyfriend and I had a big blowout fight. It was entirely my fault. I feel like a piece of crap. I am seriously questioning why I am the way I am.

    But, ultimately, he said that he values me and values what we have, so he is not planning on going anywhere. Things have been rough since then. I'm sure his moods change as he processes everything, and he may even have a change of heart.

    Anyhow..the reason for this thread is that I need advice on his birthday. It's a big one (40) and coming up soon. He is a big fan of an out of state football team, so much so, that he goes to that state regularly to attend games. He didn't go this year. That team happens to be playing here at home on his birthday. So, I thought it was a no brainer to get two tickets. Two fairly decent tickets. I wanted it to be a surprise, so in order to deflect answering what we were going to do that day, I reached out to his brother to faux invite him to his house for a get-together, but instead we would go to the game.

    I'm not sure if this would be viewed as selfish? So in the message I told him I didn't want to impose on anything he may have planned and that I still would like to get together with him that weekend. (He is super busy with a family). Well, at the prospect of a party over at his bro's he actually says to me that it's actually something he would like to do. I think he really wants to connect with family due to some losses recently. Then he says that he wouldn't feel right going to a game without his brother anyway. He doesn't know I have tickets yet..but we had thrown around possibly going.

    I'm thinking of reaching out to the brother and seeing if he wants my ticket. And also trying to formulate some casual get together with his friends at a nearby bar. I'm not sure what he would prefer. And again, since I effed up I am not sure he wants to spend time with me like that. Even if it is a month away.

    Should I reach out and set up the game tix with his brother? Should I stay on course and still pretend we are going to see him when we are actually going to the game? Should I just try and sell these tickets?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think you should straight out tell him that you bought the tickets for his birthday and that you had created a plan with his brother to pretend there was a gathering at his house.

    He can 'connect' with his family any day. If he doesn't want to go to the game without his brother (which is kind of silly...does he always take his brother when he goes to out of town games?) then give the ticket to his brother so that they can go together.

    At this point, the 'secret' is creating more problems than it's solving.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stay away from bars. Give BOTH tickets to him. That would actually be a real gift. Buying a ticket for yourself is not a gift.

    Why not ask him what he wants to do. Not everyone likes surprises and bars after a near breakup event is very ill advised. What is wrong with dinner rather than a ticket for yourself and his friends buying him drinks at a bar? Even if you are unemployed now, you can still do something nice without booze. You can't make dinner?
    Originally Posted by quark
    I'm thinking of reaching out to the brother and seeing if he wants my ticket. And also trying to formulate some casual get together with his friends at a nearby bar.?

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    Yeah, I think going to a bar after what happened is a really bad idea. I thought you were going to stop drinking. Can you go to the bar and commit ( and stick to) being DD and sipping on a cola all night?

    I also agree that giving both tickets to him is a good idea. That way he can decide who to invite to go with him.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with the other members: give them to him and let him decide whom he wants to go with but be honest that the get together was a diversion (not the real plan). I'd tell him you're sorry for causing any confusion also. Next time opt for a less elaborate approach.

    I think you may be spinning your wheels in the mud also. Slow down on the gifts and event planning. You're trying too hard to play catch up. Take it easy and don't create issues trying to be too flamboyant in your desire to patch up after an argument. He's already said he's willing to work on the relationship with you. You're overcompensating. I'd work on more peace of mind and raise your self-confidence. Different people do react differently. Your boyfriend may be up for this type of rollercoaster ride and may be more likely to forgive confusion. I wouldn't look on it too favourably even though I do think it's overall a very kind and generous gesture.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    You know I'm really tired of being attacked here.. I am not playing catch up, this bday plan was well in motion before our fight. I am asking advice now in light of all that's happened.

    As for a get together at a bar..I never said i would be drinking. Just because I effed up doesn't mean he and his friends cant indulge in their love of craft beer.

    Thank you for those who offered straightforward advice. I think I will just tell him what I had planned and see what he might want.
    Last edited by quark; 09-12-2019 at 02:51 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Okay, so you messed it up by trying to be all secretive etc.

    Now it's gone this way, the only damage control you can do is to talk to him, tell him what you did, what you had planned and how you had hoped it would go.

    Then let him decide what he wants to do, after all, it's his birthday.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Yes, I would say essentially having him beholden to how you feel he should spend pretty much the entirety of his birthday is a selfish idea.

    Ideally, I'd have even asked whether he wanted the ticket prior to buying them. It's not as "romantic" as a surprise is, but it's always nice to not to volunteer someone else's time. Given that ship has sailed, I'd let him know sooner than later. I'd also offer the other ticket for him to take his brother. I'd let him choose whether he goes for a night out after dealing with crowds for the afternoon. A quieter party at his brother's is about the exact opposite of a packed university stadium. I wouldn't build him up for one only to surprise him with the other.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Secrets and surprises can sometimes backfire on the best of days. Since you have some tensions going on still, and given all else he is dealing with emotionally that has nothing to do with you, your best bet is open, honest, direct communication. Just tell him that you got two tickets and let him decide who he wants to take with him. If his brother means that much to him, he'll appreciate that much more that he can take him without repercussions and disappointment from you. Be more open and I think it will go a long ways toward getting past the argument.

  11. #10
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    I reached out to his brother to faux invite him to his house for a get-together, but instead we would go to the game.




    is the brother "in on it" and is just playing along or does the brother think there is a real get together. you should have not done this. i think you should have been upfront and truthful by buying the tickets and gifting him to go with whoever he wants or have the brother agree to go with him. If it were me, i would not have done anything like this because if you are going through a rough patch it looks like you are trying to win him. He "wants you in his life" but where your relationship is going may be murky. I would have kept things simple

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