birthday present advice

So this is kind of an offshoot question from a recent thread I made (Here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561672) where my boyfriend and I had a big blowout fight. It was entirely my fault. I feel like a piece of crap. I am seriously questioning why I am the way I am.

But, ultimately, he said that he values me and values what we have, so he is not planning on going anywhere. Things have been rough since then. I'm sure his moods change as he processes everything, and he may even have a change of heart.

Anyhow..the reason for this thread is that I need advice on his birthday. It's a big one (40) and coming up soon. He is a big fan of an out of state football team, so much so, that he goes to that state regularly to attend games. He didn't go this year. That team happens to be playing here at home on his birthday. So, I thought it was a no brainer to get two tickets. Two fairly decent tickets. I wanted it to be a surprise, so in order to deflect answering what we were going to do that day, I reached out to his brother to faux invite him to his house for a get-together, but instead we would go to the game.

I'm not sure if this would be viewed as selfish? So in the message I told him I didn't want to impose on anything he may have planned and that I still would like to get together with him that weekend. (He is super busy with a family). Well, at the prospect of a party over at his bro's he actually says to me that it's actually something he would like to do. I think he really wants to connect with family due to some losses recently. Then he says that he wouldn't feel right going to a game without his brother anyway. He doesn't know I have tickets yet..but we had thrown around possibly going.

I'm thinking of reaching out to the brother and seeing if he wants my ticket. And also trying to formulate some casual get together with his friends at a nearby bar. I'm not sure what he would prefer. And again, since I effed up I am not sure he wants to spend time with me like that. Even if it is a month away.

Should I reach out and set up the game tix with his brother? Should I stay on course and still pretend we are going to see him when we are actually going to the game? Should I just try and sell these tickets?

I think you should straight out tell him that you bought the tickets for his birthday and that you had created a plan with his brother to pretend there was a gathering at his house.

He can 'connect' with his family any day. If he doesn't want to go to the game without his brother (which is kind of silly...does he always take his brother when he goes to out of town games?) then give the ticket to his brother so that they can go together.

At this point, the 'secret' is creating more problems than it's solving.

Stay away from bars. Give BOTH tickets to him. That would actually be a real gift. Buying a ticket for yourself is not a gift.

Why not ask him what he wants to do. Not everyone likes surprises and bars after a near breakup event is very ill advised. What is wrong with dinner rather than a ticket for yourself and his friends buying him drinks at a bar? Even if you are unemployed now, you can still do something nice without booze. You can't make dinner?

I'm thinking of reaching out to the brother and seeing if he wants my ticket. And also trying to formulate some casual get together with his friends at a nearby bar.?

Yeah, I think going to a bar after what happened is a really bad idea. I thought you were going to stop drinking. Can you go to the bar and commit ( and stick to) being DD and sipping on a cola all night?

I also agree that giving both tickets to him is a good idea. That way he can decide who to invite to go with him.

I agree with the other members: give them to him and let him decide whom he wants to go with but be honest that the get together was a diversion (not the real plan). I'd tell him you're sorry for causing any confusion also. Next time opt for a less elaborate approach.

I think you may be spinning your wheels in the mud also. Slow down on the gifts and event planning. You're trying too hard to play catch up. Take it easy and don't create issues trying to be too flamboyant in your desire to patch up after an argument. He's already said he's willing to work on the relationship with you. You're overcompensating. I'd work on more peace of mind and raise your self-confidence. Different people do react differently. Your boyfriend may be up for this type of rollercoaster ride and may be more likely to forgive confusion. I wouldn't look on it too favourably even though I do think it's overall a very kind and generous gesture.

You know I'm really tired of being attacked here.. I am not playing catch up, this bday plan was well in motion before our fight. I am asking advice now in light of all that's happened.

As for a get together at a bar..I never said i would be drinking. Just because I effed up doesn't mean he and his friends cant indulge in their love of craft beer.

Thank you for those who offered straightforward advice. I think I will just tell him what I had planned and see what he might want.

Okay, so you messed it up by trying to be all secretive etc.

Now it's gone this way, the only damage control you can do is to talk to him, tell him what you did, what you had planned and how you had hoped it would go.

Then let him decide what he wants to do, after all, it's his birthday.

Yes, I would say essentially having him beholden to how you feel he should spend pretty much the entirety of his birthday is a selfish idea.

Ideally, I'd have even asked whether he wanted the ticket prior to buying them. It's not as "romantic" as a surprise is, but it's always nice to not to volunteer someone else's time. Given that ship has sailed, I'd let him know sooner than later. I'd also offer the other ticket for him to take his brother. I'd let him choose whether he goes for a night out after dealing with crowds for the afternoon. A quieter party at his brother's is about the exact opposite of a packed university stadium. I wouldn't build him up for one only to surprise him with the other.

Secrets and surprises can sometimes backfire on the best of days. Since you have some tensions going on still, and given all else he is dealing with emotionally that has nothing to do with you, your best bet is open, honest, direct communication. Just tell him that you got two tickets and let him decide who he wants to take with him. If his brother means that much to him, he'll appreciate that much more that he can take him without repercussions and disappointment from you. Be more open and I think it will go a long ways toward getting past the argument.

I reached out to his brother to faux invite him to his house for a get-together, but instead we would go to the game.

is the brother "in on it" and is just playing along or does the brother think there is a real get together. you should have not done this. i think you should have been upfront and truthful by buying the tickets and gifting him to go with whoever he wants or have the brother agree to go with him. If it were me, i would not have done anything like this because if you are going through a rough patch it looks like you are trying to win him. He "wants you in his life" but where your relationship is going may be murky. I would have kept things simple

Give him both tickets. Make a nice dinner for the two of you and present them. Let his friends take him out to a craft brewery if they want to. Let his brother/family decide what they want to do on their own. Try not to orchestrate this much. A simple dinner with the tickets is a fine gift.

Give him both tickets. Make a nice dinner for the two of you and present them. Let his friends take him out to a craft brewery if they want to. Let his brother/family decide what they want to do on their own. Try not to orchestrate this much. A simple dinner with the tickets is a fine gift.

This. Keep it simple. Let him decide what he wants to do and then orchestrate the planning and events around his desires.

And it's not that he and his friends shouldn't go to the bar, it's that you shouldn't suggest it given recent events... it might trigger some yucky feelings in him if it reminds him of your night the other night... people are simply suggesting you avoid doing this so the birthday goes by smoothly.

Give him both tickets. Make a nice dinner for the two of you and present them. Let his friends take him out to a craft brewery if they want to. Let his brother/family decide what they want to do on their own. Try not to orchestrate this much. A simple dinner with the tickets is a fine gift.

I agree, that'd be perfect.

See that's the thing about this place. While I appreciate the outside opinions (I wouldn't keep coming here otherwise) nobody really knows your SO or your relationship like you.

While he was bummed at the thought of his brother not -actually- inviting him over..he said of course he would want to go to the game with me. When I said getting a ticket for myself is hardly a present, he scoffed. Anyhow..I think I made the right choice just coming out with it instead of trying to pull off a surprise. So, thanks.

Did he like it? The tickets were a thoughtful gift.

I agree, just tell him and work it out as a couple.

This is your relationship and as far as I am concerned, you two come first. Not his friends, not the brother.

I hope you both have a nice time together and enjoy his birthday together.

Also if it means that much to hang out with the brother, then he should make plans with him another time.

Not everyone likes surprises especially if it requires long distance travel to do anything such as a game.

Even though you don't want to spoil the surprise, in this case, I would tell your boyfriend the truth. Tell him you wanted to set it up as a surprise with the party as the original rouse, however, you decided it would be best to tell him so he can decide who should attend; his brother or you. I'd tell him now so he can decide what to do.

Not everyone likes surprises especially if it requires long distance travel to do anything such as a game.

 

Even though you don't want to spoil the surprise, in this case, I would tell your boyfriend the truth. Tell him you wanted to set it up as a surprise with the party as the original rouse, however, you decided it would be best to tell him so he can decide who should attend; his brother or you. I'd tell him now so he can decide what to do.

She did already lol. See four responses above.

Did he like it? The tickets were a thoughtful gift.

He didn't jump for joy, but that is understandable considering he is still reeling from the fight and dealing with his feelings. I think deep down he is appreciative. It meant a lot to me for him to say that 'of course' he wants to go with me.

We cuddled a little for the first time last night and I started crying at the thought of how close I came to losing him. He just doesn't want to deal with another bullsht event like our recent fight say, two years from now. I don't want to promise him it will never happen again because I feel like words are empty and cheap. I just need to work on actually showing him, but it's going to be a long road. And a promise I hope I can keep. I am more torn up about the prospect of losing him than anything I've ever been torn about, ever. So, while I'm hoping these feelings stick around to remind me to make better choices in the future.... the past hasn't proven that severe consequences change my actions at all. I need serious help for how self destructive, selfish and naive I can be. :(

No, you don't. Stop wallowing. It's not going to do you any good. You made a mistake. Don't spend the rest of your life trying to prove to a man that you're worth his time. Just keep being you and learn from the mistakes. Brush this off, honey. You are ok.

I don't think it's possible to be in a longterm relationship without a moment or two where you "fear" you might lose the person. So give yourself a second to remember that: that this is a human moment, something that happens in relationships, is happening in yours right now. It'll pass. It's not World War 3. Make it World War 3 in your head and it'll become that.

I think what's very hard, but very important, is to be able to still be "you" during these moments, rather than becoming a new, hyper-reactive, self-flagellating you, someone whose actions and personalty are now constructed around that fear of losing the other person. That's an inauthentic state of being, and all people want, in the end, is to be with people who are authentic.

Relationships take work, as the old saying goes, but no good work is done by people petrified of getting fired. Wake up calls are good. This moment has woken you up a bit. Great. Small steps, small changes, greater awareness. Patience, and trust in yourself, that things will level out. Try to think about it like that, a moment to shore up your ship a bit, which are lovely moments. There's confidence there, security, stability. There are not those things in self-defining as "self-destructive, selfish, naive" and "needing help."

He's feeling some stuff. Let him. He'll do with those feelings whatever he needs to do. You're feeling some stuff too. Do what you need to do and, odds are, the ship will stop rocking. You're not an awful human, an awful girlfriend. You slipped a bit, made a mistake. You're in good company. Learn from it, grow from it, and you remain good company to others.

Ok you can show him, no? Stop drinking. It has caused a great deal of problems for you. Also find a job. In fact getting sober and finding a decent job sort of go hand in hand. Sadly most problem drinkers would rather lose someone, lose jobs, put themselves in danger, etc than give up drinking.

I don't want to promise him it will never happen again because I feel like words are empty and cheap.

the past hasn't proven that severe consequences change my actions at all. I need serious help for how self destructive, selfish and naive I can be. :(

I feel this... you have no idea how much I feel this. I've been exactly where you are; confused, scared, full of shame, and wanting a way out of how I was feeling.

The only way out... to make the changes you want... is to ask for help. Like it's one thing to say you need help, and a totally different thing to actually seek it out and admit you have a problem, and then to follow through on your commitment to yourself to overcome these behaviors.

Drinking to excess is a symptom of the overall problem... because it's the most obviously self-destructive physically, spiritually and emotionally, it's an important one to deal with. That said... your problems won't get solved just by quitting drinking... because at some point, the feelings of desperation, confusion, fear, anxiety and shame will come up again and if you don't set yourself up with tools to deal with those feelings you will turn to what's familiar to escape.

If you want to be successful... you need to set yourself up for success by developing some methods to help you deal with your self-destructive behaviors before they start.

Ok you can show him, no? Stop drinking. It has caused a great deal of problems for you. Also find a job. In fact getting sober and finding a decent job sort of go hand in hand. Sadly most problem drinkers would rather lose someone, lose jobs, put themselves in danger, etc than give up drinking.

I have not had anything to drink since that night and I don't plan to for a good while. I hadn't made any announcement to him that i wasn't but I'm sure he is noticing that I am not joining him when he has a drink here at home

I have a new job now. I'm sorry I ever even mentioned it because everyone went all nuts with assumptions. 🙄

See that's the thing about this place. While I appreciate the outside opinions (I wouldn't keep coming here otherwise) nobody really knows your SO or your relationship like you.

 

While he was bummed at the thought of his brother not -actually- inviting him over..he said of course he would want to go to the game with me. When I said getting a ticket for myself is hardly a present, he scoffed. Anyhow..I think I made the right choice just coming out with it instead of trying to pull off a surprise. So, thanks.

Ok, now that your boyfriend knows, attend the game together and have a good time! Then go to a nice restaurant and enjoy a good meal together. Try not to overthink this. Keep it simple and joyous.