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Thread: birthday present advice

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't think it's possible to be in a longterm relationship without a moment or two where you "fear" you might lose the person. So give yourself a second to remember that: that this is a human moment, something that happens in relationships, is happening in yours right now. It'll pass. It's not World War 3. Make it World War 3 in your head and it'll become that.

    I think what's very hard, but very important, is to be able to still be "you" during these moments, rather than becoming a new, hyper-reactive, self-flagellating you, someone whose actions and personalty are now constructed around that fear of losing the other person. That's an inauthentic state of being, and all people want, in the end, is to be with people who are authentic.

    Relationships take work, as the old saying goes, but no good work is done by people petrified of getting fired. Wake up calls are good. This moment has woken you up a bit. Great. Small steps, small changes, greater awareness. Patience, and trust in yourself, that things will level out. Try to think about it like that, a moment to shore up your ship a bit, which are lovely moments. There's confidence there, security, stability. There are not those things in self-defining as "self-destructive, selfish, naive" and "needing help."

    He's feeling some stuff. Let him. He'll do with those feelings whatever he needs to do. You're feeling some stuff too. Do what you need to do and, odds are, the ship will stop rocking. You're not an awful human, an awful girlfriend. You slipped a bit, made a mistake. You're in good company. Learn from it, grow from it, and you remain good company to others.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok you can show him, no? Stop drinking. It has caused a great deal of problems for you. Also find a job. In fact getting sober and finding a decent job sort of go hand in hand. Sadly most problem drinkers would rather lose someone, lose jobs, put themselves in danger, etc than give up drinking.
    Originally Posted by quark
    I don't want to promise him it will never happen again because I feel like words are empty and cheap.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    the past hasn't proven that severe consequences change my actions at all. I need serious help for how self destructive, selfish and naive I can be. :(
    I feel this... you have no idea how much I feel this. I've been exactly where you are; confused, scared, full of shame, and wanting a way out of how I was feeling.

    The only way out... to make the changes you want... is to ask for help. Like it's one thing to say you need help, and a totally different thing to actually seek it out and admit you have a problem, and then to follow through on your commitment to yourself to overcome these behaviors.

    Drinking to excess is a symptom of the overall problem... because it's the most obviously self-destructive physically, spiritually and emotionally, it's an important one to deal with. That said... your problems won't get solved just by quitting drinking... because at some point, the feelings of desperation, confusion, fear, anxiety and shame will come up again and if you don't set yourself up with tools to deal with those feelings you will turn to what's familiar to escape.

    If you want to be successful... you need to set yourself up for success by developing some methods to help you deal with your self-destructive behaviors before they start.

  4. #24
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok you can show him, no? Stop drinking. It has caused a great deal of problems for you. Also find a job. In fact getting sober and finding a decent job sort of go hand in hand. Sadly most problem drinkers would rather lose someone, lose jobs, put themselves in danger, etc than give up drinking.
    I have not had anything to drink since that night and I don't plan to for a good while. I hadn't made any announcement to him that i wasn't but I'm sure he is noticing that I am not joining him when he has a drink here at home

    I have a new job now. I'm sorry I ever even mentioned it because everyone went all nuts with assumptions. 🙄

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by quark
    See that's the thing about this place. While I appreciate the outside opinions (I wouldn't keep coming here otherwise) nobody really knows your SO or your relationship like you.

    While he was bummed at the thought of his brother not -actually- inviting him over..he said of course he would want to go to the game with me. When I said getting a ticket for myself is hardly a present, he scoffed. Anyhow..I think I made the right choice just coming out with it instead of trying to pull off a surprise. So, thanks.
    Ok, now that your boyfriend knows, attend the game together and have a good time! Then go to a nice restaurant and enjoy a good meal together. Try not to overthink this. Keep it simple and joyous.

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