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Thread: I donít know what to do please help

  1. #1
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    I donít know what to do please help

    My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. He said he wanted to find himself (since he had depression and his grades were suffering), that he didnít think i deserved being on the backburner, that i was still his favorite person but he wanted to be alone for a while. We were really happy together and invested a lot into each other and our relationship lasted a year. Weíve started texting each other little by little again after no contact for 3/4 weeks, and had a very short meetup to exchange items, but havenít had the chance to really bond or hang out. Iíve been asking to meet up for lunch but always catch him on days when heís truly busy. I want to give him his space, but iíve been seeing him walk and chat between classes with another girl lately. Itís just harmless walking, and heís always had platonic female friends, but iím forced to see it every day and it makes me stomach cave in every time because heís always smiling with her, yet weíre barely talking. Iíve been having nightmares about him ďcheatingĒ on me with random girls in our school and itís interfering with my sleep, but itís not something i can control. I havenít mentioned anything to him and iíve been keeping it to myself, but itís hurting me every day. I try to think about other things and iíve been talking to new people and keeping myself occupied, but when it lingers as a physical discomfort or when it attacks in my sleep i canít control it. Should i meet up with him and casually mention it to him, or have a friend mention it? I know heís a really good guy at heart and I want to trust him, and itís not my job to interfere with his interactions with others, but when it hurts my every day and night iíd like him to at least be more wary of what heís doing. however, i want to get back together with him. Weíve always had great chemistry and been incredibly happy together, and weíve invested so much into each other. I know both of us need time for ourselves, but i want to be ďtogether apartĒ. Should i meet up with him in person and talk to him about it? or try to slowly get back into each otherís lives again? i know the break up hurt him really badly too, even though i was the one being dumped. i just donít know if he thinks we should take a little space for ourselves or move on to other people forever. iím scared that confrontation like this will make him associate me with stress and drama, when really i just want us to go back to when we were happy together again. Although i respect what he needs from this breakup, and i need to focus on myself too, I feel like destroying our relationship despite being so happy together is not necessary to accomplish it. Should I confront him about these things (casually and in a non accusatory way) or let it sit with myself and try to become closer again but by bit?

  2. #2
    Silver Member dundermiflin's Avatar
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    The problem is, he broke up with you, so he's free to see other girls if he wants to. It sucks for you to have to see it, but try to avoid them if you can. They may just be friends, but regardless, it's not him "cheating" on you. Don't try to convey that message that he's hurting you.

    The best advice I can give is to respect his decision and don't let him know you're sad. He knows you're sad and want him back. It's kind of scary to be needed by someone that you ended things with. It's way more attractive to see that person still able to enjoy life and taking care of his/her own happiness.

    I had an ex that I broke up with, that also wanted to be "together apart". It wasn't what I wanted; I didn't ask for a break or just space. Breaking up with him was very very hard for me and it hurt me too, and all he did was stomp on my decision and literally tell me, "no, I don't accept your breakup". However, him not letting go and interfering with any new guys and pushing himself at me for "innocent lunches" or whatever, made it clear to me that I could never be his again; it felt like trying to climb out of a tar pit.

    On the other hand, I broke up with another guy once, who despite being very sad, continued to appear upbeat around me and moved on. Boy did I regret that and wanted him back! He was healthy and respected my wishes, and I realized he was an amazing guy.

    I hope that makes sense and helps? You don't have to cut him out of your life, but try to stop needing him to be with you. If he wants to, he'll come back. If he doesn't want to, it's not something you can force back.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by eggeggegg
    My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. He said he wanted to find himself (since he had depression and his grades were suffering), that he didnít think i deserved being on the backburner, that i was still his favorite person but he wanted to be alone for a while.
    Unfortunately, this is his way of letting you down gently. The reality is that he probably doesn't want to be with you anymore.

    And, I don't want to sound harsh, but if he has had depression while with you and has chosen to break up to deal with you, you were adding to this depression. People don't run away from people who make their live's happier, they make decisions to move away from people that bring them down. This doesn't make you are bad person, just someone who was not entirely compatible with him and his requirements.

    I would suggest trying to stay away from him until you are over him. Try avoiding him, finding new ways to walk to class, finding new places to hang out. Try to get a handle on your own feelings are let go of this attachment you have with him, as honestly, it's not doing you any favours.
    Get to know yourself again, and move on. If he does want to come back at some time in the future, he isn't going to do it while you are hanging around moping and trying to force yourself back on him again.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, it's over. He doesn't want to be together. Cut him off completely. Stop chasing him. Delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps. Keep very busy with school, your friends, family, studies, interests,etc.
    Originally Posted by eggeggegg
    Weíve started texting each other little by little again after no contact for 3/4 weeks, and had a very short meetup to exchange items

    heís always smiling with her, yet weíre barely talking

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  6. #5
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    I know it hurts a lot OP, but he is free to see whomever he wants now. Itís really not your place to talk to him about it, because heís not technically doing anything wrong.

    Youíre not ďtogether apartĒ, either. Youíre apart, full stop. If he felt the same way you did, he wouldnít have ended it. Again, I realize it really stings but I think you need to work on accepting that this is over.

  7. #6
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    By any chance have you been reading those "get your ex back, guaranteed! !" websites? Or did you buy a "program"?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ask your parents for help. tell the you are having problems and ask them to take you to a doctor for a checkup and a therapist to talk about your nightmares and excessive despair.

    While breakups and heartaches hurt, your focus should be on your schoolwork, sports, clubs, groups, interests, friends, getting into college, etc. This excessive focus and dependency on this boy is something to explore with a therapist.

    You can talk to a doctor/therapist in private, like an adult so you can share all your feelings.

  9. #8
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    You should not be in contact at all. He broke up with you because he wanted space. You need to cut all contact.

    I'm sorry, but he should have been truthful about the break up. It would have been clearer for you, and you could have started to move on.

  10. #9
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    thanks everyone for the advice!! however i am confused as to what he wants as well. he still keeps my photo up on his social media, despite adjusting and deleting some other posts. he also initiated some texts. so i am just very confused about everything because he keeps running hot and cold

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He is not stringing you along. However he is trying to be nice and not hurt you. Unfortunately, that is giving you false hope. It's over so that is very clear. You need to delete and block him from all messaging apps and social media if you want the confusion to stop. Ask your parents to take you to a therapist so you can talk to a trusted adult before this gets too out of hand.
    Originally Posted by eggeggegg
    thanks everyone for the advice!! however i am confused as to what he wants as well. he still keeps my photo up on his social media, despite adjusting and deleting some other posts. he also initiated some texts. so i am just very confused about everything because he keeps running hot and cold

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