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Thread: Need some advice

  1. #1

    Need some advice

    Sooo, long story short I was in a relationship for 7 years and he cheated on me multiple times. Now that Iím out of the relationship itís been about two years already. I have some dating sites and thereís this guy that wants to meet me but I feel like he is way out my league. Everytime I try to meet someone new I find something so I wonít go. I know I have a low confidence and self esteem but I just canít help it I been like that for years and itís hard to come out of it. I have talked to my friends and they tell me Iím crazy that Iím pretty that I need to stop thinking so negatively about myself. When they give me a compliment I find a way to justify why I look the way I do. I was bullied since I was in middle school and it has caused so emotional damage to me. I feel like having low confidence has set me back but i really donít know how to help myself. I get on moods were I just cry and cry but then get up and tell myself I will be okay even though I donít feel that at that moment.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You'll have to keep working on it (your self-esteem). You may be sabotaging yourself by unwittingly exposing yourself to unhealthy habits like comparing yourself to your friends, placing a bit too much importance in what you wear or latest trends. If you were raised a certain way you may still be around family members who joke about you or with you and remind you of your old self. Be a bit wiser with the things you do and the types of influences in your life as they do have an accumulated effect. Don't hang around negative people or take up bad habits. Take care of your health too and make sure you are eating, sleeping and staying hydrated. Lack of sleep can ruin anyone and poor diet will wreck havoc on your moods.

    I'd leave off of dating until you regain your self-confidence and start feeling better about yourself. If you're not feeling good about yourself, you're sort of a sitting duck while dating. Your partner shouldn't be expected to be the one to fill that void or make you feel better about yourself.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    See a doctor and a therapist.

  4. #4
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    You can help it and you also tell yourself how unfair it is to another person to make a plan and then not follow through. That is that person's wasted time talking to you and planning his schedule to make time to meet you, etc. It's not "I can't help it" - you are in control over how you react to your fears. You can choose fear or action -positive action. Being pretty is nice and all but has little to do with whether you are a good match for someone. Being a reasonably confident person with a fun fulfilling life and showing up for a date on time and ready to hold up at least 50% of the conversation and being a pleasant companion for the short time you're taking a walk or having a meal or seeing a museum exhibit -whatever. That's all it is, one date. No leagues. I wouldn't ask your friends for compliments because your friends aren't going on the dates. Maybe ask if they know of any interesting movies, plays, current events that are going on that might make for interesting conversation. Find out what the person is interested in and do a bit of looking around on the internet so you know something about it whether it's travel or salsa dancing or baseball.

    You don't just stop thinking negatively. It's not an on off switch. You start doing actions that reflect that you have a fulfilling, fun, interesting life whether or not you are dating someone. You live in a healthful way and get enough sleep and drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. Those actions mean the negative thoughts stop taking up head space and hopefully fade completely.

    You don't have to date at all but please do not waste people's time. It was done to me and it's really annoying and worse depending on how you have to rearrange your schedule to meet a new person who then flakes for no actual emergency type reason.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Get yourself off of the dating site(s) since you're clearly not ready to be dating, then get yourself into therapy to help you overcome your emotionally abusive relationship of 7 years and to get yourself out of your codependent nature. You ARE codependent if you stayed with someone for 7 years that mistreated you like he did.

    Once you have a better handle on your issues caused by your past, your confidence will improve and you'll be in a good place to actually meet up with the men that are pursuing you from online dating sites.

    You'll be just fine but you will need professional help to get you that way. There is no shame in working with someone to be the best you that you can be.

  7. #6
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    If you got a cut on your toe and it kept growing filling with pus and pain, you wouldn't keep limping around wondering how long that is going to last. You would go to a doctor to find what heals it. It's the same with emotional pain. You can have all the positive affirmations or self-talk there is. But if you know there is pain yet keep repeating the behavior or thoughts that lead to it, then it is time to see a therapist. Find one who fits for you in order to start working through the emotional damage that is disrupting your potential for happiness.


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