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Thread: Should I breakup with my GF over massive communication issues?

  1. #1

    Should I breakup with my GF over massive communication issues?

    hello, i'm [21] and she's [23]

    We've been dating for 3 years, we've always loved each other and been happy together. My gf however has depression and struggles with insecurity, low self-esteem. I try to be as positive as I can when I'm around her.



    Recently she got a fulltime job and is training away for 2 months. The first 3 weeks she kept telling me she's lonely and isn't making any friends and during that time I tried my best to talk to her constantly through text, calls, etc...



    On the 4th week suddenly she made new friends and started texting me significantly less (We text each other lots throughout the day typically). Throughout the week I tried my best to reach out to her and express the fact that communication suddenly went down the drain between us. Despite this I wasn't getting a lot of responses. During that weekend, I threw a tantrum and wanted a "break" which is very childish of me, I admit I shouldn't have done it. All I wanted was clear communication and I couldn't get it after a week of trying which is why I did it. Everytime I reached out she would say its because she's busy and always go out with her new friends/coworkers. To my knowledge she goes out and drink almost everyday during this time. We usually call each other every night before sleeping and now I don't even get that plus any text. The times she'd pick up my phone she'd be with friends either at a bar drunk out of her mind, or in a room with her 2 guy friends that she doesn't even tell me anything about. She insists on letting her be so she can grow herself withint the next 2 months and she promise when she gets back it'll be better.



    The morning after I called her and and we started talking and I get to state my side of the story and asked for reasons why communication suddenly got super sucky and asked for us to get back. We finally had our clear talk. Her reasoning for all of this was that she's busy and has no time for me. According to her friends, she needs to be on her own so she can grow and fix her insecurity and what not. As we got talking I found out she's been smoking cigs and weed + drinking almost everynight, and because she doesn't want me to scold her she decided to hide them all from me. I felt like it was a huge blow and got kinda mad and went away for 5 minutes. Finding out she hide things from me is a big no no, but then smoking blunts here and there isn't a big deal to me so I let it go. Still felt kinda ty that she hid things from me. Through all of this all I wanted was like some assurance that communication will be improved and what not but she kept insisting that she wants to be on her own for 2 months so our relationship can be better. ???



    She apologized for communication issues and I apologized for throwing a tantrum. I was promised a 10 mins call every day at least, she we can update each other on what we're on but things are still bumpy. Since then its been 3 days, 2 of those days when I got the promised 10 minutes were when she's in public/with her friends and she always have a ty mood talking to me, saying things like "oh yea im just so busy and tired, dont wanna be too focused on phone when i'm w my friends" and i'd end the call within 5 minutes because why the would I stay in a call when you can't even put all your attention on me as promised. Basically communication is better, still significantly different from before though.



    I've also addressed that I'd want her to stop smoking and drinking everynight to the point where I rarely even get her presence when she's sober, but she kept saying like it's okay, it's fun, it helps me through the stress and all that. As farr as I know she's also puked a couple of times last week from drinking too much already.



    Should I end things here? From the fact that she hid things from me, continues to engage in self-destructive behavior, refusing to listen to anything I say. I can provide more infos if needed. What's your take?

  2. #2
    I still love her a lot and she says the same thing, but it doesn't feel like we're working together anymore.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Let her go. You both need to be free right now.
    Originally Posted by throwaway616
    it doesn't feel like we're working together anymore.

  4. #4
    I'm just such a ing emotional that the "breakup" won't be a real one and we'll somehow still be together at the end of that call

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  6. #5
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    No-one is ever so busy throughout their entire day that they can't send a few messages or make a call to the one they supposedly love. It sounds to me that she's enjoying partying and living like a single person while you're not around. She wants to keep you as an opt for when she's back. I'd just wish her well, leave her to the booze and weed and move on.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    No-one is ever so busy throughout their entire day that they can't send a few messages or make a call to the one they supposedly love. It sounds to me that she's enjoying partying and living like a single person while you're not around. She wants to keep you as an opt for when she's back. I'd just wish her well, leave her to the booze and weed and move on.
    And the alternative of being codependent is a better option?

    Constant communication with him is not needed. If she has depression and self esteem issues her socializing is a good thing, and breaks that dependence.

    I think thatís what OPer is afraid of losing quite frankly.

    Iím not saying boozing and binging on drugs is a better option but Iíve been to work trainings while partying happens, if youíre drugged up, you arenít going to get far in training, so sorry, the fact that the OPer seems to believe his attachment is normal leads me to believe his retelling may be just a tad bit exaggerated.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
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    Hi Throwaway,

    I have to agree with @figureitout here. There are a lot of red-flags here, and not only on her side.

    Originally Posted by throwaway616
    I can provide more infos if needed. What's your take?
    During your three year relationship, have you spent extended periods apart before? How did those times go?

    Do you live together? Do you or her have friends, hobbies, a life outside each other?

    Has she worked on her self-esteem, anxiety, insecurity and depression independently, whether through therapy or otherwise?

    What about your issues; are you self-aware regarding your own insecurity? You impulsively went to a 'break' and threw a tantrum by your own admission. Is this how you usually handle conflict situations? Why do you need constant updates and communication from her? Do you trust her, and if not, why not?

    I think you may need to step back and self-reflect, as well as consider the relationship as a whole.

    Whatever happens, best of luck,

    T

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Backing off is probably a good idea at this point. I mean this in the sense where you both learn to listen to each other a bit more and accept each other as you are, leave room for individual growth. I think there's still room for this to go both ways but it'll depend on how you treat each other in the next two months.

    You've been together already for three years. Take it easy. All relationships ebb and flow and both of you are still growing. Pick your battles and don't push to get your way all the time because you simply won't.

    It seems like she's making some health choices that really concern you. I understand that you're worried and concerned about those but they are really not yours to make overall. If she pukes multiple times a week, she'll have to discover what puking multiple times a week will do over a period of time for her and meet that fatigue and sickness head on on her own. Don't take on a parenting role. You'll just come across as overbearing and inappropriate. What you can do is let her know you're worried about her and that you love her. Don't tell her what to do and don't make demands when she has given you reasons for why she is not comfortable with your requests.

    If you do find that her life choices in general don't match your lifestyle, make a decision for yourself whether this is a person you see yourself with in the long term. It often takes awhile to get there and it's painful and confusing at times but that's a decision you'll have to make for yourself. Be open and honest with each other. If you need time to reconsider the relationship, take your time. Never seek to control another person or make repeated demands/requests where you've been told several times the same answer. Look for healthier ways to support and encourage each other without compromising your own set of beliefs or ideas.

    If I were you, I'd take the two months to cool off and put things in perspective. Stop grasping at straws or clawing at the relationship. Pause. Think a little. Breathe a lot. Explore other areas of your life that need tending to, ponder the relationship from time to time. Touch base when both of you are available. If you sense any more hostility or resentment coming from her, reconsider. She may not be mature enough to break things off but you should know when enough is enough. If you do end up breaking up, do not get back together again. Consider it permanent and over. Do not backtrack.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Very beautifully said Rose.

    Let things ebb and flow, allow your relationship to evolve. Both of you should have an active life outside of each other.

    Discuss your concerns about her drinking etc. but encourage her socializing, that is a good thing for her and your relationship.

    You two will be ok.

  11. #10
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    Sounds to me like you two never really have been apart from each other and she is finally seeing what itís like to not be attached to you every second of the day. Maybe she met someone. Maybe she is finally discovering herself. I suggest you take this time to do the same. Start getting in touch with yourself again. Needing someone to text you or call you all day everyday is not healthy and is a sign of other emotional problems within yourself. Maybe you are co-dependent? Either way, now is the time to figure that stuff out and just roll with the flow. Time apart can be a good thing for a relationship if the proper attention to self growth is given. I wouldnít get into one of your tantrums and just break up with her because youíre upset she isnít texting you all the time. Let whatever happens happen, but focus on yourself and your own personal growth right now and allow her to do the same for herself and in end, things will work out as they should.
    Last edited by nsteinard20; 09-22-2019 at 02:38 AM. Reason: Actually read the entire post


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