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Thread: What about my dream?

  1. #1
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    What about my dream?

    Good morning everyone,

    So here’s my story. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and have a big family.
    During my 30’s I was in a very long relationship. We tried being pregnant for years. Years of fertility treatments, pain, and all my savings spent…and nothing… The doctors couldn’t find the reason why…At the end, we both gave up. Although we respected each other, we were so unhappy together that we parted ways. When I left this relationship in my early 40’s, I was relieved to be alone and calm for a while.

    A very good girlfriend of mine was going through the same challenge (fertility issues) as I did. She wasn’t in love at all with her boyfriend but wanted a baby so much that since he was good on paper, she stayed with him. We were supporting each other through thick and thin and finally she got her dream. A beautiful girl through IVF. She thinks my story is a “horror story” and “feels so bad for me”. Every time we see each other she pressures me to be a single mother and file for adoption or use a sperm donor or sleep with any FWB unprotected. The goal being to have a baby at all cost. She thinks I’m not taking enough risk and will soon wake up to be 50 and childless. (She could be right)

    I still want a baby but I don’t to have a child outside of a good relationship. I want to have a family (biological or adopted) with a man I love and am happy with. I think I suffered enough trying fertility treatment and not being happy in a relationship.

    But is it even possible at my age? I’m mid 40’s now AND single. The men I meet are divorced and not eager to start a family again. This year I fell in love but it didn’t work. So I’m a little heartbroken now and pretty scared about my future. I think I can still meet the love of my life because I still have men courting me but who knows? And what about my baby? Should I give up on love right now and focus on having a baby?? Be a single mother to an adopted child?? Is wanting love AND a baby surreal at my age?

    What do I do? I feel like waiting to meet the right guy might take too long? I feel that I’m not doing anything right now to make my dream happen, time is passing by and that terrifies me.

    Any advice or testimony would be appreciated…

  2. #2
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    I felt as you did very strongly for many years. I decided not to be a single mother (biological )by choice on both moral and practical grounds. Not judging - just how I personally evaluated it. But I likely would have adopted a child if I’d been single in my 40s because a child already here benefits from having one loving parent versus zero (as opposed to creating a child knowing there’s no involved father you are in a stable committed relationship with - or, if gay, another parent ). That’s how I personally evaluated it. From the best interest of the child not my desire to be a mom.
    I’m sorry your friend settled for good on paper. Not the best role model for a child. Hopefully she’ll feel love and that he’s her guy as time goes on. I’d tell her it’s none of her business what you do with your uterus. I had input like that too back then. I married a great person who I love and we became parents at age 42. Total miracle. I am grateful all the time.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sit down with your doctor to decide in part, what your options are. Never compete with friends. Also take a look at your finances to decide what you are ready, willing and able to do. If you want a relationship, pursue that. If at that time you wish to adopt or find a man with kids you could love then decide what you wish to do.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    What I would do if I were in your shoes:

    I would volunteer in the community where there are children whether teaching Sunday School at church as well as children's ministry groups during the week or weeknights if you are faith based, that is.

    Take courses and own a childcare business in your home or work at a daycare center or preschool.

    What I do now:

    I cook 30 servings for an abused children's home every month. A bunch of volunteers cook 30 servings of food from their homes and bring it to the site's kitchen and dining hall to serve. I'm asked to bring either an entree (dinner / lunch) hot casserole type food (not sandwiches), side dish or dessert. Desserts are cookies, brownies, bar cookies and the like. We're on rotation regarding which type of food to cook and bring. Then we serve children to 18 years of age. They hail from abused homes, foster care, haven't been adopted yet, neglect and abandonment.

    I also feed the homeless at another site with a group of volunteers. Hundreds of families eat including small children.

    There are so many ways to help children (w/referrals and background check, of course).

    Since you've never been a mother, it will be good for you to have exposure to some of the responsibilities required to care for children and / or babies.

    You've been childless for so long that you've grown accustomed to an easier life meaning more time, energy and resources from not having children.

    Having children late in life has its advantages and disadvantages. You're more financially prepared for children later in life, however, you're not in your 20s anymore. Hence, you have less physical energy, stamina and patience. I'm being realistic.

    I would think long and hard before adopting a child and being a single parent. My mother was a single parent and it wasn't easy. In fact, it was extremely difficult to be a single parent.

    I know I hear stories of single women adopting a child but it takes two parents, a father and a mother to raise a child with team work. A father's role in a child's life should never be discounted.

    While you mull your decisions, try working or volunteering in your community with children so you'll know what it's like to tend to children while keeping in mind it's a heck of a lot easier caring for children temporarily as opposed to around-the-clock for 18 years. I can vouch as I'm married with two sons. It's a lot of responsibility.

    Most of all, be realistic.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    First thing I want to say reading this is: stop listening to your friend. You already know you don't find her journey particularly inspiring and it doesn't sound like she's found peace with her choices either. Kind of sounds like she wants you to "join the club"—not the club of motherhood, but the club of becoming a mother through decisions that were never reckoned with—so she can feel less alone in her turbulence.

    So, skip that. Now you can start listening to you.

    Not easy, I know. I think one of the hardest things about life are these moments: when certain dreams stop becoming feasible realities, and either require letting go of or seriously rethinking in order to realize. In your shoes, I think you've reached a moment where you have to start doing some hard math, some serious thinking. Basically you have to think about whether being a single mother is a version of that dream that you can pursue with more joy than fear, more pleasure than despair.

    I like Cheryl's suggestion about volunteer work that brings you in contact with kids, with childcare. It's likely to make thinking about this a bit clearer, a bit less abstract, where leaning on your friend spins you in a loop, into a knot. Can't say I agree that it "takes two" parents to raise a child, since plenty of children get raised, and well, in single-parent homes. Adults die, adults abandon families, and kids have been emerging beautifully from those worlds for centuries. Some, of course, don't do so well, though that applies to every conceivable version of family one can imagine. I'm the product of a single mother, loved it. My mom loved being a single mother, managed to keep me on the rails, founded and ran a thriving business, had an enriching social life, and so on. Not the cards she expected life to deal her, but she played them with panache. A lovely thing for me to grow up around.

    Anyhow, one rudimentary but effective thing I like to do is what I call the "gun-to-head" test. So, gun-to-head, if tonight you have a dubious one night stand and learn in 6 weeks that you are pregnant what do you think is the dominant reaction? Are you thrilled? Are you miserable? It's complicated, I know. But I do think we kind of "know" these answers.

    If the answer is "thrilled"—well, that means you're open to the single mother option, scary as it is, to which I'd say sperm donation and/or adoption is the less complicated, more intentional route than passive flings with FWBs with the active motive hidden. You might not like yourself very much taking that track—see your friend for evidence—and kids really like being raised by people who like themselves. If the answer is "miserable"—then I'd say that romantic partnership remains a more dominant life goal than being a mother, at least in a vacuum. Which would mean having to let go of and mourn that dream, while embracing the very real, heartwarming fact that romantic partnership is more than possible at any age.

    Not sure this counts as testimony, but: I'm right at that age (turning 40 in two weeks) where I'm seeing, and have seen, a number of my female friends struggle with these questions, ranging from my single friends to, in one case, a friend of mine who is happily married and still 50/50 on whether she wants to be a mom, to a few friends who rationalized a relationship/marriage to become mothers. The friends who really tried to tell themselves one story (I think he and I are great together!) to mute another (I really want a kid!) are not very happy, or now taking hard steps—divorce—to find happiness. The ones who have fought to listen to themselves, and take bold steps, including one friend of mine who adopted as a single mom, are the happier.

  7. #6
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    OP - I had more energy and stamina and patience (and financial wherewithal) in my 40s than had I had a child in my 20s and my life was not easier because I didn't have children - my career was in a way my "baby" and I was on call very often 24/7. My son is 10 so that's my backstory -I'm 53. I totally agree that having exposure to kids whether by volunteer work or some other way (( had been a teacher, a nanny, a daycare worker before my current career and I volunteered with children weekly at a homeless shelter for 7 years before getting pregnant). All of those things -the intense career, the experience with children - helped me with the demands of parenthood. I cannot imagine doing this without my husband who is a very involved, loving, front line parent and not "for a dad" - for a person, for a parent.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I felt as you did very strongly for many years. I decided not to be a single mother (biological )by choice on both moral and practical grounds. Not judging - just how I personally evaluated it. But I likely would have adopted a child if I’d been single in my 40s because a child already here benefits from having one loving parent versus zero (as opposed to creating a child knowing there’s no involved father you are in a stable committed relationship with - or, if gay, another parent ). That’s how I personally evaluated it. From the best interest of the child not my desire to be a mom.
    I’m sorry your friend settled for good on paper. Not the best role model for a child. Hopefully she’ll feel love and that he’s her guy as time goes on. I’d tell her it’s none of her business what you do with your uterus. I had input like that too back then. I married a great person who I love and we became parents at age 42. Total miracle. I am grateful all the time.
    You shared a very beautiful story Batya. We also share the same beliefs regarding adoption and being a single mother by choice. But it hasn't been my story. The last man I loved didn't want another baby. Sincerely, at my age, I would just go for adoption but finacially it would be hard as I live nicely enough but from pay cheque to pay cheque. I don't have a lot of savings and my parents are too old to help me raise a baby. I feel trapped. This last year I just thought :"Forget about the baby. just concentrate on love instead"...But then, 7 women are pregnant in my office right now and I feel the pressure to take a decision every day and I know I should never say that but sometimes I feel as if god had forgot about me...That it is just my destiny and that I should just give up...Those thoughts make me very sad...

  9. #8
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    So I’ll ask you - since you chose to spend time with a man who didn’t want a baby isn’t it you who forgot you and not god? If you really wanted the opportunity to have a baby why would you waste time with someone who didn’t ?
    Sure some people lie or change their minds but if someone is honest with you from early on about not being sure or not wanting a child why date that person ? It doesn’t matter if your office is full of pregnant people. Yes it stings but obviously it takes nothing away from you.
    I would give my best shot to meeting men who are looking to settle down and try for a family and promise yourself you will only date men who want this. At the very least you will know you tried. And do your best to save $ - I did for 11 years before I gave birth because I knew I wanted the option of being home with a child even if the person I married couldn’t be the sole provider (this was hypothetical - I didn’t have a real person in mind)
    I know how very hard this is and I wish you the best.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sit down with your doctor to decide in part, what your options are. Never compete with friends. Also take a look at your finances to decide what you are ready, willing and able to do. If you want a relationship, pursue that. If at that time you wish to adopt or find a man with kids you could love then decide what you wish to do.
    Thank you wiseman. I did sat with my gynecologist a few months ago. He told me that I my choices were
    1. Sperm donor (I don't want that)
    2. Adoption (I don't feel ready financially)
    So yes I could wait to meet a nice man.He might not share my dream to adopt though...I'm saving my money right now so maybe I'll be able to adopt one day? (and be a single mother omg). I have to admit, I feel lost.

  11. #10
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    I would do whatever it takes to be proactive about meeting people.

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