Coworker bullying / manager meeting

[L24]

I’ve been in a new job teaching for nearly 6months. I am also in teacher training same time. I am a trainee so a lot of things I am having to learn the hard way.

Never felt I fitted in to the team in am in. Tried but doesn’t feel right. Was more apparent when someone new joined and the difference in how the team treated them I wasn’t just the newbie.

I am having major problems with a coworker who has in the past few weeks decided to ignore me entirely. Walk past me and not acknowledge my existence. It’s upsetting. I am left out of conversations both general and work related. I am also being shunned at lunch.

So I had put this to my manager who is going to talk to my coworker soon. Issue is they are a very difficult person and I am terrified the team will make me feel worse. But it can’t carry on. I was so upset that I questioned being in the job anymore. Which is a shame because it’s a great opportunity.

I am so scared about the outcome. Anyone have any thoughts, advise or similar situations?

[reinventmyself]

having just skimmed through previous posts, there seems to be theme where you view yourself as lesser than and undeserving. I could be wrong but I get the sense that you might be better off taking a look at yourself and your own contributions to these dynamics, rather than going to your boss and telling them that you are being bullied.

Other than starting a new job and feeling left out, I don't see where any act of bullying happened. As much as it doesn't feel good that you aren't being included, I think you need to look within first. You seem to the common denominator here.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Are you a classroom teacher? Did you address this issue with your coworker first or your manager first? Don't others on the team discuss work related matters? I'm not sure that your manager is going to want to handle the personal part of the situation - you're co-workers so she's not required to acknowledge you other than in work-related situations and she doesn't have to have lunch with you or interact with you at lunch. Can you think of any reason the coworker doesn't like you?

[Hollyj]

having just skimmed through previous posts, there seems to be theme where you view yourself as lesser than and undeserving. I could be wrong but I get the sense that you might be better off taking a look at yourself and your own contributions to these dynamics, rather than going to your boss and telling them that you are being bullied.

Other than starting a new job and feeling left out, I don't see where any act of bullying happened. As much as it doesn't feel good that you aren't being included, I think you need to look within first. You seem to the common denominator here.

I too, skimmed your previous threads and got the same feeling.

[MirrorKnight]

Ok OP... I am going to say some things that may appear a bit mean, but I promise I am trying to help.

You have made 54 threads on this forum dating back from 2011. The themes of being excluded, not fitting in, rejected etc... has been recurring for years, in addition to other posts about depression, unrequited love, despair etc.

If over the best part of a decade, you are repeatedly being excluded/rejected by your peers, then perhaps you need to look within yourself for the answers rather than just calling this bullying and blaming it on external factors. To put it harshly, if nobody likes you, maybe you are the problem.

I don't have the time to read through your past threads to get a proper read of why you are struggling to make connections, but in general, people respond to you based on how you present yourself. If you constantly project neediness, attention-seeking, negativity, hostility, insecurity, selfishness, narcissism, aggression etc (not accusing you of anything in particular, it is up to you to assess if any of those apply to you) then people will not want to be in your orbit and you will naturally be excluded. If you are fun to be around and exude positive energy, people will naturally be drawn to you.

If I do a little self-reflection myself as an example, maybe it will help you to see my point...

I have always been stubborn and very bothered by perceptions of "fairness" and "justice", so I have fallen out repeatedly with people over perceived injustices and been frustrated by those who argue with emotion and feelings rather than facts and reasons. I probably had an unhealthy obsession with proving that I am right, as if to prove my intellectual superiority, which is probably a reflection of my own insecurities over my underachievement in life and other frustrations.

I have had to learn that I cannot change how people feel about certain sensitive issues and trying to argue with logic and facts that they do want to see or understand just comes across as condescending and offensive. So now I pick and choose my battles. I try not to let minor issues bother me and simply avoid people who I disagree with on a fundamental basis if the issue would get in the way of us enjoying each other's company.

Take a step back and reassess your life honestly. Try to understand the source of your problems. Seek professional counselling, read self-help books, develop yourself, improve yourself personally. Everything else including friends, work and love will fall into place as a natural consequence of your development. There will be ups and downs, you have extensive problems, it will not be resolved overnight, so don't be impatient for instant results. You are still young, it can get better if you earnestly work on yourself.

[TeeDee]

This is a mess of your own making. You think your co-workers are obligated to be your friends, to smile & care about you as a person. They aren't. They are obligated to be professional -- not undermine you, to share supplies & avoid bumping into you the way one walks around the desk. That's it.

It seems that the co-worker who is ignoring you is doing just that. You two don't click. So what? You making an issue out of that is what is causing the problems. You are being immature & unprofessional. You are being "shunned" at lunch because your co-workers don't want to be drawn into your drama. If you keep things light, upbeat & professional they will too.

Do your job. Educate the children in your class. Don't cause trouble. Go home. There isn't anything else.

[ThatwasThen]

All I've got to say is: To get a friend, you have to be a friend.

[Rose Mosse]

Take it easy, OP.

[abitbroken]

I am having major problems with a coworker who has in the past few weeks decided to ignore me entirely. Walk past me and not acknowledge my existence. It’s upsetting. I am left out of conversations both general and work related. I am also being shunned at lunch.

So smile and nod or smile and say hi as you pass the coworker and don't make an effort to stop. its the first step. And be happy sitting alone for lunch - bring a book or ask to join someone. I think part of this is self-brought on

[catfeeder]

Ignoring is not bullying. Running to the boss over such a thing isn't professional. We can't force people to socialize, we can only operate as a mature professional on the job and prove ourselves over time.

Examining WHY you may turn people off (maybe with negativity or complaints?) would be the first step in breaking a possible pattern.

People seek pleasure and avoid pain. Question whether your way of trying to bond with new friends is to bring any kind of negativity to the table. That will shut people down to you.

If you don't speak negatively, but your belief in your victimization is so strong that you carry that energy into your interactions, it will have a similar effect.

Are you being treated professionally, or would you consider hiring a therapist to help you reverse your outlook and build resilience?

Work is not a therapeutic environment. Plenty of loners avoid groups and cliques and still thrive on the job. We can't force people to like us, we can only build our own likability from the inside-out, and in many cases, that means hiring a therapist who can teach the skills.

Head high, do your job, and be pleasant and professional with coworkers whenever your paths cross. Seek friendships outside of work.