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Thread: He's Pulling Away After Meeting Me, I Am Losing It. Please Help Me Get Him Back!

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fadedfntasy
    I am not normally a panicky type of person. I donít spiral.
    Well, then those two sentences alone should be all you need to stop the spiraling. If your normal state is x, and someone else brings that normal state to a roiling, boiling, Nagasaki-like y, it generally means that something very wrong, not very right, is occurring. You say chemistry, I say a chemistry experiment that blinded two scientists and burned down the lab.

    I know that's not what you want to hear. I want to tell you what you want to hear: that all you need is to do x, y, and z and this thing is about to shoot to the moon. I've got an apartment in NYCócan send you the address and you can invite me to the wedding as thanks. But, alas, momma raised and honest boy and and I'd be feeding you broken glass dipped in chocolate, and I think you've chewed enough of that.

    I get it. I had a little mini version of this 1.5 years ago, and I swear your first post could be a word-for-word rendition of some of her internal monologues. Her crazy pants met my crazy pants, and we did a little dance. Then it got weird and, yeah, I "pulled away." It felt like playacting a relationship with someone who would never, ever be sated because she wanted it all and wanted it all yesterday.

    Your mutual, analytical breakdown of your one date was, well, a lot. I'm not sure my girlfriend and I have talked that intensely about our dynamic in 8 months. It's only interesting, you see, when there isn't the other stuff to chew on. The calm stuff. The hot stuff. The warm stuff.

    This is all head, no body, literally and figuratively. You work for a singles organization. What advice would you give yourself if you came to you?

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by fadedfntasy
    Iíve been attached for some time. Heís also been attached. Itís not from this date that the attachment has formed. Losing him is like losing a real and true relationship in my life. We very much cared for each other. But thereís a secondary feeling of losing him after him meeting me that makes it feel so final. That makes me feel like we canít even take some space and try again in 6 months, when weíve both had time. My mind runs through scenarios where he took one look at me and ran for the hills even though heís seen me many times, or like I was just so awful in person he couldnít bare to give me another chance after everything we had. And so thereís an element of deep rejection, the kind that confirms your worst fears about yourself. Even though I know Iím great in social situations, and Iím witty and smart and attractive. Itís very confusing. I just want the hope that it can turn around.
    But none of that was real life. You even have the word "fantasy" in your user name!

    Fantasies are exactly that BECAUSE they are not real. Once reality "intrudes" it's over because the foundation was based on strictly electronic communication, not interacting in person.

    That's not to say people can't connect online and make something real out of it. They arrange to meet ASAP and only then do they decide if they're compatible enough to think about continuing.

    But you said yourself he put up roadblocks to meeting. That tells me he knew this wasn't going to be anything real and he tried to put on the brakes. But the train was already rolling, faster than he knew how to stop it or slow it down, and that's why you're in this situation today.

  3. #13
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    Thank you for your advice. If I knew me, I would tell myself that he overanalyzed our situation and wasnít able to just try again. I donít like that quality in a man. It clearly, after all this, made me very hurt. Very uncalm.

    I didnít want it all and want it yesterday. I love our independence. I love our distance. We are in a place in our lives where we would have been able to heal a bit and date slowly, see each other a couple or a few times each month and develop something in person, slowly and naturally. This would have been lovely to me. Slow, sweet, natural flow. That is why I am upset at myself.

  4. #14
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    To clarify, we had meetings in place but I ended up having to work, and then my grandmother fell down the stairs. I was the one who had to cancel. He was so excited to meet me. He tried equally or even harder than me.

    My username was the Damien Rice song that was playing at the time I created this account.

    It is hard for me to feel that because our rushed 2 hour interaction wasnít amazing, there should be no hope ever for us, and what we had wasnít real. Because that is not what I felt or know to be true.

    I really appreciate the time youíve given my situation. It means a lot.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fadedfntasy
    Iíve been attached for some time. Heís also been attached. Itís not from this date that the attachment has formed. Losing him is like losing a real and true relationship in my life.
    and that is what isn't quite 'right' You should have never formed such a bond to someone you've never even met in person... You don't allow yourself to do such things because for the most part, the online connection does not pan out in real life. Or; the person you are bonding with is too scared or damaged to allow anything to actually develop in real life (which I think is part of his problem)

    We very much cared for each other. But thereís a secondary feeling of losing him after him meeting me that makes it feel so final.
    Please be honest with yourself. I fear you would be just as devastated had you never met him and he started to fade on you. If that's the case then that is where you would do well in therapy, to help you with your Limerence (google that and read the Wiki link to it)

    That makes me feel like we canít even take some space and try again in 6 months, when weíve both had time.
    Why? What did he bring to you? What hole was he filling in you that your fiance, a man that was actually real and in your life, did not?

    My mind runs through scenarios where he took one look at me and ran for the hills even though heís seen me many times, or like I was just so awful in person he couldnít bare to give me another chance after everything we had.
    After everything you had? You had nothing but words on a screen wherein it turned out that HE couldn't live up to. Its got nothing to do with you not being good enough rather everything to do with him not being who he portrayed to you that has you so addicted to him and his words.

    And so thereís an element of deep rejection, the kind that confirms your worst fears about yourself. Even though I know Iím great in social situations, and Iím witty and smart and attractive. Itís very confusing. I just want the hope that it can turn around.
    Seems you only want it to "turn around" because you can't bear rejection. Get help for your self-worth because if it was up to snuff you would be disappointed that it wasn't love at first sight, you might cry in your Pinot for a day or two but you wouldn't be as bent out of shape as you are about this and I'm also thinking that if your confidence and self-esteem were up to par, you would have the attitude that it was just an opportunity lost. HIS lost opportunity, certainly not your's because you're the prize.

    Change the way you're looking at this and you've won half the battle to getting over your disappointment.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fadedfntasy
    He had a lot of issues with me being engaged. He was hurt over it. We worked through it by communicating well. But it was very difficult for him and I would say the hardest part of our situation was him not wanting to be the cause of my breakup (he wasnít) while also being there for me. He wanted me to heal, and I him. He would say we were going to be good for each other, the way we balanced through these times of turmoil. But it was not simple. Once we developed real feelings, the fact that I was engaged was something we had to work through deeply.
    You are talking about you being engaged like it's a minor thing. Inhale, exhale. "He had a lot of issues with me being engaged," said no woman ever when describing the little bump in the road she got through on the path to everlasting love. That he was down to "communicate" through this, and serenade you through itówell, that's evidence of the holes in his ship that need some putty, and stat.

    See what I'm saying here? Y'all were trying to be each other's putty and your personhood flew clear out of dodge.

    Timing sucks. Timing is real. Had I met my girlfriend three years ago I can promise you our chemistry would be fuego: emotional, intellectual, physical. Small snags? She, then, was a woman getting out of a marriage while I was a guy twisted up in some latent-adolescent nonsense. We got lucky. We burned off our bs elsewhere, most of it alone, so what we get to "communicate" through is not our bs but all this other stuff, the real stuff that is us, not us as wounded soldiers.

    You weren't "you" on that date because you haven't quite been "you" in this whole thing. Ugh, I know. But you are awesome, and what I hear burning here between the lines is that you are very thirsty for some attention from yourself. Date yo'self for a hot second. The best studs will fall in line.

  8. #17
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    Cut all contact with one another. Just a online relationship that didn't live upto the fantasy when you met in real life. It happens loads and nothing worth worrying over.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    calmly and esoterically
    I feel seen.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    A couple of things.

    First, you felt like something was off and you were right. Trust your gut. You will rarely have the luxury of an explanation in situations like this because people often don't know their own minds. Or, they are uncomfortable sharing their true feelings--especially when they are conflicted about them.

    Second, don't automatically assume all of the blame for everything. You may be undersensitive and he may be oversensitive.

    Third: yes, things felt great and awesome and one-of-a-kind, but beginnings can be like that. It's how many of us ended up being born: pure hormones! Mother Nature's agenda is always primary. Watch out for her, she's a trickster.

    And finally, he's only been out of his 13-year relationship since May. Even if the separation lasted for years, that's still a huge milestone for people whether they are able to acknowledge it or not. Just scan the rebound threads on this forum. I've been through it myself. I met a guy online ten years ago (I was 32 also! But he was 27). We clicked online, clicked on the phone (the best conversations, and they lasted for hours), even clicked in person! It felt like a dream.... and unfortunately it was. His prior relationship had only been 5 years, not 13. We lasted for about two months before his anger at his last relationship started to resurface. He thought he'd gotten past it but he hadn't. We went our separate ways in the nicest way possible, but I was really hurt.

    Don't wait around on this. From what you've shared, it sounds like he is in a defensive, angry position. It can't all be due to you. The issues he has will take time to work out, and he gets to set the pace. It's not your responsibility to coach him along. Free yourself for better opportunities. I did, and it was worth it.

  11. #20
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    You're just shy out of an engagement. With the exception of emotionally processing the ending of your engagement, this juncture of your life should be a time of lightheartedness - i.e. spending time with friends, having fun, dating different people, exploring hobbies, you get the point.

    I'm not going to give you advice on how to get this new person "back" as it is evident you're simply unloading your prior relationship onto this one. I don't think it is fair for you to put this new person in that role and I honestly do not believe it will work out.

    I think life in your 30s is a wonderful opportunity to become completely independent and I hope that you take this time to enjoy it!

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