Me Selfish Really ??

Ok ladies and gents here goes.

I'm 36 with my own business. I have always been a hardworking guy and love to stay active doing business or DIY around the house. We have 3 children, married 10 years. I'm the sole provider in the house, over the years i have brought 3 houses all paid for. Holidays twice a year.....Recently i brought the wife a brand new car again paid for in full. I have been generous ( expensive taste ) in providing for her and the kids at least i think so.

I like to think that I'm not the type of guy who always looks at money, i spend on my family all the time, hardly on myself. I'm currently wearing trainers with work pants as my work shoes split.... Recently i brought her a gift to mark our anniversary, Tag watch and she has only gone and lost it. How the f**k do you loose a watch. She has a habit of loosing things, she lost the car keys when she went to her mum's house, this was back 8 years ago........

All our children are in full time education, for the last 5 years i have being paying for childcare. We have a 3 year old who is a slow developer recently diagnosed with autism. He is hard work most times. Bulk of the day he's in pre school.. She went to see a mother who also has a son who suffers from autism this is back at her mums place. However on her route she spent 30 mins on the phone to the person she was suppose to meet, then 10 days later i receive a bus lane fine and find out she was also at some other place. When asked about it, she went shopping with her mum. I asked why did you not mention it, she said why should i, it's nothing!

She gives me a running commentary of her day when she has the kids, telling me how hard it is. The verbal abuse can be allot at times. I'm not honestly sure what she does at home between the hours of 9 and 2. She says she does the house work and doesn't really get time for anything else. Her duties are carried out below standards. We are opposites here, when i do something i do it thoroughly.

I'm no goody two shoes. I can also give it back and be stubborn. But recently I'm getting a little bored with the .

She's has blocked my mother, father and sisters from her phone. Me mum asked me that "i cant get through to your wife for the past 3 weeks, ive tried from your dads phone". When i confronted her about it she denied blocking them, so i had a look to see what the problem was and no surprise all on the block list. I just left it that!

She doesn't like anyone apart from her family, and always comparing...

I keep getting told I'm selfish, in the past i believed it, however i'm not sure anymore?

Your post is so angry and contemptuous it almost sounds like you hate her. It's clear you have no respect for her and you think she's stupid, selfish, absent minded, doesn't do what she's "supposed to" and a lousy mother to boot. You may know the price of everything, but the value of nothing. Maybe she doesn't want all the status symbol crap and just wants a husband who at least... likes her? She doesn't have to speak with your parents. That's your job. Marriage therapy could help you, but you'll have to jump off this high horse to get there.

Marriage therapy could help you, but you'll have to jump off this high horse to get there.

Not so sure it's a high horse... very well could be just plain fed up after years of this... just sayin'

Calling her a distant "the" wife instead of "my" wife is very telling of your emotional disconnection from her. If she is verbally abusing you, and you give it right back, that of course kills any love you once had for each other.

If you were childless, it'd be a lot more easier to walk away if that's what you're thinking. Since you have children together, I'd consider seeking couples counseling, since neither of you have been successful in retaining a satisfying marriage. The counselor will give you homework, some of it fun (reigniting the spark). If both of you put in the effort, improvements will be guaranteed.

Perhaps she's overwhelmed with the job of 3 kids, one of whom is special needs. I dont think I could handle that very well. How much do you pitch in with helping with the kids? You do seem a bit obsessed with money and the nice things it's bought you and the family. Maybe more time directed to her and the kids would be better than fancy watches she loses. You really dont seem to like her very much.

If someone tells you you're being 'selfish', it means that you're not doing what they want you to do - it's just a manipulative way of saying it. It can also be instructive to look at who's REALLY the selfish one in the situation; it often isn't the one who's being accused of it.

Blocking your family from the phone is a no-no... and what do you mean by 'verbal abuse'? If it's calling you names and putting you down, yes, that's verbal abuse. If it's just her telling you how hard it is, spending her days with three young children, then maybe it's time to listen rather than dismissing her. Not everyone's cut out to do housework to exacting standards, and maybe the kids are driving her nuts.

It sounds as though you have totally different ways of expressing love; your way - of providing material comfort and expensive possessions - may not be fully appreciated by her, whilst her hopes for more of a listening ear from you don't seem relevant because you're already doing your very best to provide for her. In your own terms. This doesn't mean that either of you is right or wrong, but it does seem like an incompatibility which could be well addressed by you both being open and honest with each other about your needs - with professional help if necessary.

Nobody blocks someone from their phone without a good reason. Were they pestering her? How often do you communicate with your parents? Communicating with them is your job, not hers. So? Let her block them. You can still talk to them anytime you wish. Never force parents on spouses or spouses on parents.

She's has blocked my mother, father and sisters from her phone.

You seems a little too obsessed with money and material things, maybe your wife misses the emotional connection. Are you doing any activities/fun things together?

What kind of things do you do together as a family? Things other than buying them expensive things?

Any park visits? Picnics? The beach? The childrens' museum?

How about date nights? A bottle of wine on the deck? A movie and popcorn? Dinner at a casual cafe?

I used to date a man whose ex wife accused him of not being a good father. He complained about it to me, saying "I buy them anything they want! They have $1,000 custom snowboards! I mean, yeah, I don't spend a lot of TIME with them but I spend a lot of money." He was totally tone deaf about what his family wanted and needed from him.

It's now necessarily about the money you spend, but the time.

I like to think that I'm not the type of guy who always looks at money

I was in the process of trying to pull out all of the places in your post where you reference money and gave up...

In your post it comes across that you use money and gifts as a way to show love and affection for the people you care about. Like, you go on and on about the watch you bought, the houses you have bought and paid for, the car you paid for in full. All well and good but hardly enough to sustain a relationship. Money is an extrinsic motivation and only brings a temporary sense of satisfaction... relationships have intrinsic values that need to be met in order to survive and thrive, like love, compassion, affection, humour, communication.

You are also VERY hard on your wife in this post... you talk about her like she is an employee. If that's how you treat her it's no wonder you are both unhappy in your relationship.

Take it easy with the gifts, houses and cars. You're spending beyond your means and not getting enough in return. Be more realistic with your money please. This might come as a surprise to you but there is such a thing as abusing one's wealth. Don't do that. Take care of yourself in a healthier way, make sure you have the bare necessities like footwear, be a bit more conservative when it comes to your material needs, put money aside for contingencies and never spend beyond your means. That you have that wealth doesn't mean that it should be used indiscriminately. Develop a culture of gratefulness and carefulness when it comes to the use of your wealth. You'll eventually rub off on your family members, especially your kids.

Relax with the resentment. It's also going to eat you up inside. Look at budgeting yourself a little better and revamp the way you treat your money and things. It will also reflect in the way you treat the people around you and nurture better relationships.

Your wife can't be expected to be at the beck and call of your family members. I'm not sure why so many of them are contacting her. She may be at her limit and both of you should be talking about a way to create healthier boundaries with your family members as one family unit (you, her and the kids). She may be blocking them because she doesn't feel you have the balls to speak to your own mother (to tell her to stop contacting your wife or demanding answers). Most people would learn that their texts and calls are not wanted if there is no reply. Your mother doesn't seem to know how to take a no for an answer.

Throughout my childhood, my father drowned me in presents and anything I wanted, but never with time. He owned several restaurants. When he would take me to the beach, I'd be in my bathing suit, while he was in a full suit calling his broker. As a kid, my brother and I use to steal, or do things for attention. It wasn't until he stole a car at 14 that our dad started taking more time to be with the family. I think your wife losing things is her way of saying they aren't important to her as you think. She may just want some good old fashion time with you.

I remember the CEO of this one major Medical Equipment manufacturer said to me. You will never be on your deathbed wishing you made more spreadsheets. If she is calling you selfish while you give her so many presents, she may be referring to you being stingy with your time. I know running your own business is endless cycles of stress and hard work; I own three of them, and have been the breadwinner for the bulk of my marriage. But kids don't stay kids forever, and your partner may want something more than a Tag Heuer watch.

I have to disagree and agree with many of the points on here.

The lady you speak of is your wife and I know what you mean and how you feel, in my previous relationship I was the only one working and providing for the whole house and for a while I felt entitled and that going to work and providing everything is enough, its not.

Be there, be a part of your family, yes buying gifts is nice and what I would ask yourself is would your wife still want to be with you if you hadn't had all of the successes? Would she still love you and you her if you just had you and your kids?

You need to take money out of the situation. You are a unit, the money shouldn't been seen as something that is yours, its to provide for the family. You should be working it out with your wife, looking through what you can afford, conservatively buying what you need and not just what looks good on the school run.

And kids are work, they are demanding, yes you run a business, so do I, but while my ex works I now look after the children until bed time (roughly 3-4 hours) and my god its a pain; clearing up, dinners, ready for bed, showers etc etc.... Imagine doing that every morning, fixing dinner every night (7 days and holidays) and probably from what I can tell receiving next to no thanks apart from material rubbish.

In regards to blocking your family, ask her. There will be a reason. But don't push. Remember, you got in this, you married her, you had children with her. You decided to be the provider, you get to leave the house and socialise at work everyday, you get the best part of the family because you are there part time.

Consider what your life would be like if you had to do everything on your own. Family life can be lonely and boring and believe me I'm not judging you. I have just been in a very, very similar situation where I didn't realise until too late.

Just to finish, go and buy yourselves some new clothes, BOTH OF YOU, get a babysitter with all of that money you're earning and go out for a nice bloody meal!!!

Both my sister and mother have 3 children and I have 2 sons. There's an enormous difference going from 2 to 3 kids with the craziness factor. For me 2 sons were doable and manageable. I've heard from countless parents that it was the third kid who pushed them over the edge.

My niece (my sister's daughter) was diagnosed with autism as was her father, my BIL with very bad, insulting social skills. My niece is not nearly as awful as her father regarding behavior. My sister has her own battles regarding her autistic child and autistic husband. All I can do is give her and her family a wide berth so there is peace for everyone. There is no other way as I've exhausted all other "reasonable" avenues.

Your wife's plate is full. She will never have relief because her mind will always be filled with worry for the rest of her life because of your 3 year old and frets about her future. That's a lot of stress.

I was a SAHM when my sons were little and it's easier to march off to work everyday than taking care of human lives and worrying about them. I commend you for being a great provider.

Your wife blocked your family for a reason. I wish I could do the same but fortunately my in-laws don't contact me electronically so I'm spared there. MIL has a mouth problem, both MIL / FIL blame me if I don't invite them to my home every month, cook and entertain for them and give me the evil eye if months pass by without socializing together. They think I have the final word in my marriage and family life. I do but we're very busy with work, commutes and unlike them we can't afford to eat out every night. I still treat them to random dine out meals yet it's never good enough. It's no wonder I keep them at arm's length. (Never mind I home entertained them with home cooked meals every month in the past so they could watch their grandchildren grow up lest they forget.) Then SIL (sis-in-law - my husband's sister) has a mouth problem and I've since enforced healthy boundaries with relatives from both sides of the family tree.

Hence, there's always a reason for alienation. My motto is: "As long as you behave yourself properly and act like a decent human being, we're good!" Unfortunately, just when I can relax my shoulders for 2 seconds, here comes another zinger. Every encounter ends up going miserably south.

In your wife's case, blocking is a way of saying, "Don't bother me. I can't deal with you. Out of sight out of mind." She needs space; we all do. Aside from my FIL, I too don't like anyone on my husband's side of the family nor my sister's side of the family. These problems are universal.

You need to respect your wife's reasons. Even though you work hard outside the home, help her with household tasks without her having to ask you each and every time. Pick up the slack and do it without complaint. Spend more time with your wife and 3 children because family time is fleeting. Your children will grow up within a blink of an eye. As frenetically paced as it was, I miss the days and years when my sons were little boys. I wish I could go back to those priceless years.

Change your perspective. The greatest gift you can give your children is to love and respect their mother.

When your wife loses items, it's easy to be scatterbrained with 3 children including being a parent of an autistic child.

Keep in mind, blocking is the last resort. There's a reason for it. Blocking are boundaries when we can no longer deal and cope with hopeless personalities and characters.

Sounds like you place a lot of value on material things. That isn't really important once you get past the basics of having a house in a safe area, and decent clothes, reliable car etc.

Have you ever spent a day, two days, a week at home with your three kids alone? Maybe you should try it.

I grew up poor. I struggle now as a father of three myself. But I spend a lot of time with the kids, going to the beach, scouts, hiking, camping etc. I help a lot with the chores around the house. Maybe instead of buying your families affection spend more time with them. Buy your wife a spa day and a nanny for a day a week to help with the house work. I can spend all day cleaning and my kids can destroy my house in a minute leaving me wondering what the hell I just did all day.

When I think back to my childhood i don't remember the toys my parents got me. But I do remember my dad taking my brother and I to cut down a Christmas tree, learning to shoot, to fish etc. Maybe try to re prioritize your efforts towards time spent instead of money spent and see how that plays out.

its easy to lose a watch. it can fall off. If you are not used to wearing one, you can misplace it. You say she lost keys 8 years ago, so she is careless. So she lost 2 things in 8 years - that's not a bad record. I would not have bought her a watch unless she wears one almost daily and its a cheap one/getting shabby.

Taking care of an autistic child is exhausting, let alone a normal 3 year old . It doesn't just involve "watching" the kid but constant work to try to make sure they are being constantly enriched lest they backslide. And imagine a little kid who is well behind where they should be. So she is telling you about her day with the kids and you find that "boring" - when does she have the time to work out, get pretty for you and have hobbies so you have more to talk about?

Stop being a martyr. Buy new shoes. Buy clothing that is not ripped.

Go out on a date with your wife. Get a babysitter.

So what if she spends half an hour shopping with her mom. And her cleaning is not up to standard? How dare you. you help. Or find out if she would like someone to come in for a few hours every week to handle the heavy cleaning.

She handles the household, she takes care of the autistic child, she is home when the other kids get out of school, she picks them up when they are sick, she coordinates their social calendars, etc, She is not your employee.