I don't even know how to start, this is so sad and confusing.
I'm 25 and two months ago I married my long term boyfriend. We had been dating for years, I loved him with all my heart and I truly believed he was THE one. I remember I even told my sister on the night I met him that I had fund the man I would marry. He was everything I wanted and even though we disagreed at times, I knew I loved him and that we were meant to be together. A year ago I bumped into an old friend, a guy I attended college with. We talked for a bit, my partner knew about it and had no problem (he trusted me completey) but then, slowly, I started to fall for my friend. I was shocked. In all the years with my boyfriend I had never even given a guy a second glance. Not even Brad Pitt could have made me second guess my feelings for the man that I loved so very much- but there I was, getting butterflies in my stomach everytime I would get a text from this friend.
Finally, I came clean to my boyfriend and told him how I felt. He was angry, but let it slide. I tried to stop all contact with this person, let's call him Adam. I really did try my best, but Adam had feelings for me as well and, long story short, we ended up sleeping together. Not once, but many many times. I started making up excuses to not see my bf and it was actually pretty easy since he travels quite a lot for work. I fell in love with Adam and we pretty much moved in together (again, bf had no clue as we was out of town often). It was clear to me we were soulmates- we have the same major, he would read to me (my favorite books!), we shared the same sense of humor and were just completely happy together. I had never felt so complete.
Adam knew about my bf, but he was respectful and even though he expected me to completely break up with him he was pretty confident as I was spending day and night by his side. I was getting ready to dump my boyfriend, going as far as telling my parents and close friends. They all knew about Adam- he wasn't a secret. I wanted to start a serious relationship with him. One Friday night my boyfriend invited me out, I wasn't dressing up like I used to when I was with him, barey answered his calls, you get the idea. So I was a bit surprised when he took me to the fanciest restaurant I had ever seen and proposed. Looking back I think he felt I was growing cold towards him and he used this in a desperate attempt to keep me from leaving. And it worked. I said Yes, put the ring on my finger and started planning out a wedding. It was what I had always wanted, right? so what if I didn't feel excited at the time, the emotions would come sooner or later, or so I thought.
My parents and friends supported this decision, they all loved my fiance and had known him for years. No one forced me, of course, it was all my choice. I told Adam and deleted his number. Then one night he came to my house and found me there, in my pjs drinking wine straight from the bottle and crying. He seemed to want to stay away but he ended up holding me and then making love to me-engagement ring on my finger and all. Making love with him was like nothing I had ever experienced before, so passionate, so intense. Our connection was deeply spiritual, it was like being on a different world- just Adam and me. He asked me to marry him that night. He said he would get a marriage licence the next day and we could get married immediately. I said yes. Yup, that's right. I was engaged to two different men. The next day he followed throught and was doing everything so we could get married asap. I talked to my father about breaking off with (first) fiance and he agreed, so I went to his house and just blurted everything out. He was pissed. He hit me, I was truly scared for myself. I managed to get to a bathroom and locked the door from the inside. I called my father, no answer. I called Adam, he was there to pick me up in minutes. He was still in his pijamas when he got there. I won't bore you even more with the details, but my then fiance lied to Adam about everything. He said he hadn't hit me (I was badly bruised and he had even attepted to choke me) he said I was at his house to sleep over (No, I wasn't. He hadn't touched me since I started seeing Adam. I was there to break off the engagement) Well, Adam got me out of there for my safety, but never again contacted me. Fast foward a year and I married my old boyfriend. The one I had loved so much for so many years. The one I grew up with. The one that forgave me, and I forgave him, and we bought a beautiful house together and had a wonderful honeymoon and are even planning on children soon.
The one that laid hands on me.
The one I'm not madly in love with anymore.
I don't ever cry when I think about Adam, but gosh, how I think about him. Every singe day. I'm a good wife to my husband, I provide a good income that allows us to have a comfortable life. On top of that I cook, clean and make sure he has everything he needs at all times. I let him make love to me when he needs it, but it's never something I look foward to.
I care about my husband and I love him. I love the things we have accomplished together and I'm proud of him as he is of me. I know life with Adam would never have worked out- he wanted to travel and have fun, smoked too much, drank too much and didn't want a family. I don't regret getting married to the man sitting across from me at this moment, but it is true what they say: there is more than one true love during a life time. I married the love of my life, but my soulmate is in Canada right now, probably smoking weed and reading Julio Cortazar.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't met Adam. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I'm missing a part of myself. Maybe I would be able to love myhusband completely.
I WANT to love him without holding back. I WANT to make love to him and feel intimacy and light and joy. I WANT to kiss him with the same passion I did before and not just because he has asked me to.
The question is, how do I go back to being crazy in love with the man I married?
Reply With Quote
