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Thread: Newlywed..and not in love

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    To answer your question in post #1, most people have asked that same question, OP. Being married isn't always a walk in the park. I think the other members have asked a lot of questions and you've answered them too.

    Maybe you should explore the idea of marriage and what it ought to mean to you a bit more. You may have expectations that are unrealistic and aren't quite in tune with your current or present situation. That feeling of giddiness and over the moon happiness isn't there every single day when you're married. You become family members as you've probably noticed and you see parts about each other that are not always attractive.

    I think you're having issues letting go of the dating phase and you're nurturing ideas about marriage that may not be realistic overall. I'd encourage you to speak with other friends or family members candidly and be with people around your own age, in similar phases of life. You seem isolated and forlorn, really lost at the moment. I don't mean this in a cruel way. I'm being very honest with you.

    Center yourself and get in touch with others who are more like you. Part of gaining wisdom and growing older means learning to grow older and wiser given our set of circumstances and given any decision we've had to make or someone else has had to make for us. You'll never be able to change yourself or change your situation or grow forward if you cannot accept who you are or what you have become or where you are at in your life.

    Accept your present situation first and then set out to change things if you're not happy.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    No, you're not IMO. The way you write it's all about you -your feelings, your desires, your passivity in the face of temptation, the whole sob story about how your cheating just happened to you, how you agreed to marry him, etc. It's not being a good wife to be with someone you're not in love with because for one thing it will make it much harder for you to resist inevitable temptation and based on your past -because past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior - you will succumb to the temptation with the same excuses. Unless you choose to go to counseling for example. ).
    Yes, I did write this post mainly to vent about my feelings, my wants and my desires. You are completely correct, I needed to put it into words, so I did.
    This does not mean I only think about myself. About a week ago I asked, as we sat down for dinner, how he felt about us. He claimed he has been pleasantly surprised at married life, and how much he loves our life and me. He sees no problems, because I make sure to make him feel loved and cared for. So I don't feel bad about making this post about my feelings, because that is what I'm asking advice on and because I know for a fact my husband's feelings are of happiness and he is still very much in love with his wife.

    I'm glad you made the correct choice for you at the time and I'm sure it would have been a better idea if we had waited a bit longer too. But we didn't and now I'm ready to give it my all to make it work. As for the spark...it didn't go away on its own. It was my choices that did it, but I can honestly said it was there up until the moment I decided to cheat. It wasn't anything he did or didn't do and it wasn't something that slowly went away. It was like one day there it was and the next it wasn't. That is why I feel there is hope in this, that I may still feel guilty, that I might have unrealistic expectations, etc.
    Congratulations on your happy marrige! I hope to get there someday soon.
    PS: Also, in other answeres I have said that yes, we did indeed attend counseling and I will continue to do so.

  3. #23
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    If you feel you can revive the spark figure out what you plan to do to revive it. It's wonderful that your husband feels happy. And he is also entitled to a wife who feels a spark with him. That's the foundation of romantic love, that's the glue that keeps the marriage together. I had no doubt your husband is in love with you - the problem is he is in love with someone where he is under the impression the feeling is mutual, right? And right now you're concerned that you're not in love with him. I never thought it was something he did to you that killed the spark.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    To answer your question in post #1, most people have asked that same question, OP. Being married isn't always a walk in the park. I think the other members have asked a lot of questions and you've answered them too.

    Maybe you should explore the idea of marriage and what it ought to mean to you a bit more. You may have expectations that are unrealistic and aren't quite in tune with your current or present situation. That feeling of giddiness and over the moon happiness isn't there every single day when you're married. You become family members as you've probably noticed and you see parts about each other that are not always attractive.

    I think you're having issues letting go of the dating phase and you're nurturing ideas about marriage that may not be realistic overall. I'd encourage you to speak with other friends or family members candidly and be with people around your own age, in similar phases of life. You seem isolated and forlorn, really lost at the moment. I don't mean this in a cruel way. I'm being very honest with you.

    Center yourself and get in touch with others who are more like you. Part of gaining wisdom and growing older means learning to grow older and wiser given our set of circumstances and given any decision we've had to make or someone else has had to make for us. You'll never be able to change yourself or change your situation or grow forward if you cannot accept who you are or what you have become or where you are at in your life.

    Accept your present situation first and then set out to change things if you're not happy.

    Thank you so much. As hard as it is to recognize, I feel you're completely right: I do have unrealistic expectations. As you mentioned, my mind is stuck in the dating phase and I need to accept that things and people change (including myself). I truly thank you for your honesty and advice.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by viv19
    Thank you so much. As hard as it is to recognize, I feel you're completely right: I do have unrealistic expectations. As you mentioned, my mind is stuck in the dating phase and I need to accept that things and people change (including myself). I truly thank you for your honesty and advice.
    Yes, it's partly a head thing that and partly a heart thing -if you don't have a spark for this guy then convincing yourself that you're still stuck in the dating phase isn't going to change that nor is accepting that people change. Do you respect the fact that he took you back after you cheated on him? Do you respect and admire him? In your heart I mean.

  7. #26
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    How did you forgive him for choking and hitting you? What does your therapist and your family think about that?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by viv19
    Thank you so much. As hard as it is to recognize, I feel you're completely right: I do have unrealistic expectations. As you mentioned, my mind is stuck in the dating phase and I need to accept that things and people change (including myself). I truly thank you for your honesty and advice.
    It's part of getting older... gracefully. The gracefully part doesn't really get through to a lot of people though. You just do your own thing and put the nonsense of the past behind you. I don't agree with any violence and perhaps there are some things to work through with your therapist also. There may be uncovered resentment there that you may actually not be able to look past.

  9. #28
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    ..........
    Last edited by AviationNut; 09-11-2019 at 12:56 PM.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by viv19
    Hello, smackie9. I appreciate you taking the time to answer, but I think the misunderstanding here is I do not wish to end my marriage.
    YOU NEED TO. You are NOT a safe partner for your husband and you never ever will be. You've proven over and over again that you are a SERIAL cheater. If Adam suddenly showed up again, you'd be in bed with him in a split second. You can lie to us but you can't lie to yourself.

    Originally Posted by viv19
    Like I mentioned before, I do love him (although I lack that intimacy and closeness from before) but we care deeply about each other and have accomplished great things together.
    Don't lie to yourself. You do not love your partner. If you did you would NEVER have cheated on him in the first place. I'm guess you married him because he's "good on paper." Unfortunately for him, he was short changed in this marriage.

    Originally Posted by viv19
    I want to WORK on this marriage, not throw it out the window. I'm looking for advice on how to get closer to my husband again, not how to break our new famiy apart.
    Too late for that, don't you think?


    Originally Posted by viv19
    Hi Batya33. Actually, I am not being self-absorbed. I am giving my everything for him and for our marriage. Financially, emotionally, as well as with time and actions. I agree I made mistakes on the past, but I can honestly say I'm a good wife. I just want to miss him when he travels, to hold his hand and get butterflies in my tummy.
    Othe rthan that, no, I am not being self-centered in any way.
    Thank you for taking the time to reply to this thread.
    You have an extremely selfish, self-centered, and narcissistic view of the situation. In all honesty, youíre probably a narcissist and need to go see a therapist. Not coupleís counseling. You need individual therapy. Youíre a very very broken person.

    Originally Posted by viv19
    This is the only comment I have found offensive, but as I put myself out there I get that there is always the risk of comments like this.
    So here it goes: No, my family wasn't okay with me ''bouncing from man to man''. My now husband has been the only man I have ever introduced them to and they had known him since we were still teenagers. I had never before cheated, or been with other men. In fact, my now husband was my first time and that was after we talked about getting married (but before Adam).
    Who gives a care if you found this comment offensive? Itís true and indicative that your lack of integrity is a family trait rather than something that is only a problem with you. Quite frankly, your family is full of hypocrites. To sit there, on your wedding day, smiling and congratulating the man you slept around on over and over again? Thatís really the bottom of the barrel right there. And no, I do not care if you find this offensive. Itís something you need to hear. Your parents are enablers. I could never imagine supporting my childrenís choice to have an affair. But then again, I have integrity.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Living in a fantasy land will not compensate for marrying an abuser.

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