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Thread: Newlywed..and not in love

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    You seem very unstable OP... bending like a willow in the wind at every emotion and feeling and at the beck and call of these men in your life... the fact that you allowed all of this to happen indicates that you have some deep issues that need to be resolved, perhaps even mental illness that has yet to be diagnosed.

    My suggestion is to focus on your mental health... see a psychiatrist and psychologist so you can get the appropriate help for your situation.

    As for your relationship... the passion is done, you killed it, and there is no going back.

  2. #12
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    I agree- get the marriage annulled. I am sorry he hit you of course. He deserves a wife who loves and is in love with him. I think you are far too self-absorbed right now to be a good partner to anyone so I would set him free and then if you want to seek a long term relationship get counseling first so you have the tools and mindset to be a good match for someone.

  3. #13
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    I guarantee if Adam showed up while your husband is travelling you'd sleep with him again. Wedding ring and all.

    Leave this marriage. Sooner or later you'll have another affair. Why act like that when it's totally unnecessary?

  4. #14
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    Hello, smackie9. I appreciate you taking the time to answer, but I think the misunderstanding here is I do not wish to end my marriage. Like I mentioned before, I do love him (although I lack that intimacy and closeness from before) but we care deeply about each other and have accomplished great things together. I want to WORK on this marriage, not throw it out the window. I'm looking for advice on how to get closer to my husband again, not how to break our new famiy apart.

    Thank you for your honesty and I do understand sometimes tough words are the only way to put things into perspective.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I agree- get the marriage annulled. I am sorry he hit you of course. He deserves a wife who loves and is in love with him. I think you are far too self-absorbed right now to be a good partner to anyone so I would set him free and then if you want to seek a long term relationship get counseling first so you have the tools and mindset to be a good match for someone.

    Hi Batya33. Actually, I am not being self-absorbed. I am giving my everything for him and for our marriage. Financially, emotionally, as well as with time and actions. I agree I made mistakes on the past, but I can honestly say I'm a good wife. I just want to miss him when he travels, to hold his hand and get butterflies in my tummy.
    Othe rthan that, no, I am not being self-centered in any way.
    Thank you for taking the time to reply to this thread.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by maew
    You seem very unstable OP... bending like a willow in the wind at every emotion and feeling and at the beck and call of these men in your life... the fact that you allowed all of this to happen indicates that you have some deep issues that need to be resolved, perhaps even mental illness that has yet to be diagnosed.

    My suggestion is to focus on your mental health... see a psychiatrist and psychologist so you can get the appropriate help for your situation.

    As for your relationship... the passion is done, you killed it, and there is no going back.
    Maew,
    You are right. Something must have been wrong for me to allow this to happen. Grandma had just passed away, she was like my mother (raised me since I was a baby). I was clinging to everything and everyone. Still, not an excuse. As for a mental illness, no, I have been to counseling and there is no depression, anxiety disorders or anything of the sort. Not a sociopath either as far as I know.
    Psychologist said it was a case of me trying to meet others' expectations, which is completelly wrong, but by no mean am I mentally ill. Still, this is very good advise, we should all seek professional help when needed. Thanks!

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Boy you made some really bad decisions. I find it hard to believe your family would be fine with the choices you were making, bouncing from man to man. I think you should have this marriage annulled or get a divorce. I think you need more therapy to get your head on straight so you dont repeat this.

    This is the only comment I have found offensive, but as I put myself out there I get that there is always the risk of comments like this.
    So here it goes: No, my family wasn't okay with me ''bouncing from man to man''. My now husband has been the only man I have ever introduced them to and they had known him since we were still teenagers. I had never before cheated, or been with other men. In fact, my now husband was my first time and that was after we talked about getting married (but before Adam).
    My parents respect and love me. They respected my choice to leave my (now) husband because they wanted me to be happy, but they believed all along he was the right person for me.
    Yes, I made bad choices. But it was never my intention to shame my family or my then fiance. These two men have been my only sex partners in my entire life.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by viv19
    Hi Batya33. Actually, I am not being self-absorbed. I am giving my everything for him and for our marriage. Financially, emotionally, as well as with time and actions. I agree I made mistakes on the past, but I can honestly say I'm a good wife. I just want to miss him when he travels, to hold his hand and get butterflies in my tummy.
    Othe rthan that, no, I am not being self-centered in any way.
    Thank you for taking the time to reply to this thread.
    No, you're not IMO. The way you write it's all about you -your feelings, your desires, your passivity in the face of temptation, the whole sob story about how your cheating just happened to you, how you agreed to marry him, etc. It's not being a good wife to be with someone you're not in love with because for one thing it will make it much harder for you to resist inevitable temptation and based on your past -because past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior - you will succumb to the temptation with the same excuses. Unless you choose to go to counseling for example. What you "want" is also self-absorbed -it's what "you" want to feel -a feeling - not about what you want to give to him. Without romantic love there's no reason to be married to a person unless the two people desire a marriage of convenience. Neither of you do. He is being misled right now into thinking his wife is in love with him and with him for the right reasons and you are in a marriage that doesn't meet your desire to be in love with your husband. And no I don't think a healthful marriage requires butterflies or missing to be a romantic and loving marriage - sure it's normal to have the lulls, and what's also normal is to know "we're in a lull right now and I know we can revive the spark fairly simply so it might not be today or tomorrow because of [insert current circumstance] but it's my top priority to connect with him and revive the spark." And when the spark is there you can revive it just by a memory of the spark - you may have had a spark a long time ago but it basically disappeared, you further buried it to nonexistence by your choice to cheat on him regularly - which also makes you lose respect for the person for sticking around -that's a real spark-killer too.

    I don't think you're being good to yourself, to him or a "good wife" other than the aspects of wifedom that involve being a financial partner and acting in a caring way. But your heart's not in it. And I know what that's like because had I married my husband the first time we were engaged my heart would not have been in it. I get the difference and experience it regularly. Thank goodness we waited and spent time apart. (And no there was never ever cheating or anything like that and I doubt we'd be together if there had been).

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What a thread.

    It's all very simple from where I sit, removed from the drama and emotional whirl. You're exactly where a whole lot of people find themselves at 25, a fine, if thorny, spot to be in save for the part where you got married to a dizzying and destructive phase a lot of people shed on the path toward toward finding the right person to marry.

    Not a fun sentence to read, I know, but neither is it a very fun life to be living, as you know. The solution is pretty simple: marriage gets annulled, you get to keep exploring, searching, getting in touch with yourself, obsessing about yourself, and, in time, you'll find yourself in a situation that actually feels the way you so want this one to feel like. As I told a friend 5 years ago who was miserably engaged to his girlfriend of 10 years, "It's a lot easier to end an engagement than a marriage." He thanks me weekly. Bet his ex does too, in her own way. Hear she's happily married now.

    But I know you don't want to take that step now, you're still clinging to the ashes in hopes that gripping them tightly will turn that back to stardust, with just enough of Adam resin left in the pipe for an occasional toke to keep on keeping on. So it goes. But I can't really offer any advice about getting back the passion and making things work. It wouldn't be genuine, since I'd put 100K on a bet that you are unmarried to your husband by 30, probably much sooner. And I believe me winning that bet would not only help my buy another house but would represent a win to your life, and your continuing to find your true self. It would be a win to your husband too. Poor dude has been through enough.

    So, try everything. Go to Paris together, install a saucy swing in the basement, take up salsa dancing, create social media feeds where you two appear to have figured it all out. Try poems, try whips, try couples counseling. I'd really, really, really advise you to not have a baby to fill the void with butterflies. With that, what can still be a phase on the road to stability will become your whole life, and you'll learn the not-pleasant feeling of what it's like to be 28 and feel about 80. You also may mess up a little kid to high heaven. Live long enough and you know friends who made choices along those lines. Ooof.

    I've got 15 years on you, for reference. Me at 25? It had some parallels with you, so I'm not going to judge. I bounced around, blurred lines, played "Adam" to more than a few people. For better or worse, my own rocky psychology—which took some real, rewarding wrestling with to understand—did not include the gene that made me fall in love with every woman I was with. I just kind of hopscotched, until I realized the game I was playing sucked. But I was, as you are, self-absorbed to the nth degree—so much so that I couldn't even see it, I was choking so hard on my own supply. Yeah, you're doing that now, romanticizing yourself, your life, your crazy story, in a passive way that allows you to stay in it rather than outgrow it, as your own cells are begging for that growth.

    Owning that isn't so fun, but what comes after owning is. It's actually the thing you want, without realizing it.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by viv19
    , but they believed all along he was the right person for me.
    They believed that the "right person" for you is someone that both hit and tried to strangle you?????

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