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Thread: Newlywed..and not in love

  1. #1
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    Newlywed..and not in love

    I don't even know how to start, this is so sad and confusing.

    I'm 25 and two months ago I married my long term boyfriend. We had been dating for years, I loved him with all my heart and I truly believed he was THE one. I remember I even told my sister on the night I met him that I had fund the man I would marry. He was everything I wanted and even though we disagreed at times, I knew I loved him and that we were meant to be together. A year ago I bumped into an old friend, a guy I attended college with. We talked for a bit, my partner knew about it and had no problem (he trusted me completey) but then, slowly, I started to fall for my friend. I was shocked. In all the years with my boyfriend I had never even given a guy a second glance. Not even Brad Pitt could have made me second guess my feelings for the man that I loved so very much- but there I was, getting butterflies in my stomach everytime I would get a text from this friend.

    Finally, I came clean to my boyfriend and told him how I felt. He was angry, but let it slide. I tried to stop all contact with this person, let's call him Adam. I really did try my best, but Adam had feelings for me as well and, long story short, we ended up sleeping together. Not once, but many many times. I started making up excuses to not see my bf and it was actually pretty easy since he travels quite a lot for work. I fell in love with Adam and we pretty much moved in together (again, bf had no clue as we was out of town often). It was clear to me we were soulmates- we have the same major, he would read to me (my favorite books!), we shared the same sense of humor and were just completely happy together. I had never felt so complete.

    Adam knew about my bf, but he was respectful and even though he expected me to completely break up with him he was pretty confident as I was spending day and night by his side. I was getting ready to dump my boyfriend, going as far as telling my parents and close friends. They all knew about Adam- he wasn't a secret. I wanted to start a serious relationship with him. One Friday night my boyfriend invited me out, I wasn't dressing up like I used to when I was with him, barey answered his calls, you get the idea. So I was a bit surprised when he took me to the fanciest restaurant I had ever seen and proposed. Looking back I think he felt I was growing cold towards him and he used this in a desperate attempt to keep me from leaving. And it worked. I said Yes, put the ring on my finger and started planning out a wedding. It was what I had always wanted, right? so what if I didn't feel excited at the time, the emotions would come sooner or later, or so I thought.

    My parents and friends supported this decision, they all loved my fiance and had known him for years. No one forced me, of course, it was all my choice. I told Adam and deleted his number. Then one night he came to my house and found me there, in my pjs drinking wine straight from the bottle and crying. He seemed to want to stay away but he ended up holding me and then making love to me-engagement ring on my finger and all. Making love with him was like nothing I had ever experienced before, so passionate, so intense. Our connection was deeply spiritual, it was like being on a different world- just Adam and me. He asked me to marry him that night. He said he would get a marriage licence the next day and we could get married immediately. I said yes. Yup, that's right. I was engaged to two different men. The next day he followed throught and was doing everything so we could get married asap. I talked to my father about breaking off with (first) fiance and he agreed, so I went to his house and just blurted everything out. He was pissed. He hit me, I was truly scared for myself. I managed to get to a bathroom and locked the door from the inside. I called my father, no answer. I called Adam, he was there to pick me up in minutes. He was still in his pijamas when he got there. I won't bore you even more with the details, but my then fiance lied to Adam about everything. He said he hadn't hit me (I was badly bruised and he had even attepted to choke me) he said I was at his house to sleep over (No, I wasn't. He hadn't touched me since I started seeing Adam. I was there to break off the engagement) Well, Adam got me out of there for my safety, but never again contacted me. Fast foward a year and I married my old boyfriend. The one I had loved so much for so many years. The one I grew up with. The one that forgave me, and I forgave him, and we bought a beautiful house together and had a wonderful honeymoon and are even planning on children soon.

    The one that laid hands on me.

    The one I'm not madly in love with anymore.

    I don't ever cry when I think about Adam, but gosh, how I think about him. Every singe day. I'm a good wife to my husband, I provide a good income that allows us to have a comfortable life. On top of that I cook, clean and make sure he has everything he needs at all times. I let him make love to me when he needs it, but it's never something I look foward to.

    I care about my husband and I love him. I love the things we have accomplished together and I'm proud of him as he is of me. I know life with Adam would never have worked out- he wanted to travel and have fun, smoked too much, drank too much and didn't want a family. I don't regret getting married to the man sitting across from me at this moment, but it is true what they say: there is more than one true love during a life time. I married the love of my life, but my soulmate is in Canada right now, probably smoking weed and reading Julio Cortazar.

    Sometimes I wish I hadn't met Adam. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I'm missing a part of myself. Maybe I would be able to love myhusband completely.

    I WANT to love him without holding back. I WANT to make love to him and feel intimacy and light and joy. I WANT to kiss him with the same passion I did before and not just because he has asked me to.

    The question is, how do I go back to being crazy in love with the man I married?
    Last edited by viv19; 09-10-2019 at 03:25 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have the marriage annulled. It's hard to believe you had a wedding with all your people present and they stood around smiling and congratulating the man who beat you up. He'll do it again.
    Originally Posted by viv19
    He hit me, I was truly scared for myself. I managed to get to a bathroom and locked the door from the inside. I called my father, no answer.
    I married my old boyfriend.

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    Originally Posted by viv19
    I called my father, no answer. I called Adam, he was there to pick me up in minutes. He was still in his pijamas when he got there. Well, Adam got me out of there for my safety, but never again contacted me.
    you were absolutely not ready to get married to your longtime boyfriend, it was very unfair of you to do that. yes, it was awful that your boyfriend hit you after you confessed about your affair and plans to be married to Adam but you should have known your boyfriend wasn't marriage material at that moment when he hit you, but neither were you! as you were not being faithful to him.

    i also find it strange that Adam just up and quit the relationship when he was so willing to marry you right away, just seems like he wasn't a good choice for a partner either as he didn't stick around.

    at this point your married, (your decision after he hit you and you cheated on him and all), so you either do the work and go to marriage counseling and talk about how you feel and try to make the marriage work OR you file for divorce.

    you were not ready to get married to anyone at that time, let alone have a relationship with anyone for that matter. however, you're in the situation now so you have to either work it out the right way (not cheating) or file for divorce. it's that simple.

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    Hi! I probably should have mentioned that yes, we did go to therapy. First together and then just him (therapist insisted on it as he said the violence part was not about me at all and something he needed to work on by himself). I would never cheat again. That is ot my question at all- is more like, will I ever feel the same way I did before? will marriage bring us closer together overt ime? Is just something I hope and pray for.
    Also, yes, you are absoluteky right. I was no marriage material at the time, trust me, I know that. But at this moment I truly feel like I'm being the best version of myself and being a good wife. Is just the feelings that are not coming back.

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  6. #5
    Member SixOfOne's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by viv19
    ...and are even planning on children soon.
    The only thing I can tell you about your situation: do not have children with this man while you're feeling the way you do right now.

  7. #6
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    I donít think youíll ever feel the way you once did, long ago.

    Iím sorry OP, but I would have the marriage annulled. You got married for the wrong reasons and to the wrong person. Itís very unlikely that this will get better.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Im surprised that there wasnít one person that objected to you going ahead with getting married. In fact I am baffled that there was that much support for it. The reality is, itís impossible to get that passion back. Itís done and over. Itís time you admit you made a terrible mistake and take responsibility for it. You are being a coward. There is no nice way of getting out of your decision that you made. Just suck it up and get this marriage annulled. Tough words but itís been a long time a comin.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by viv19
    Hi! I probably should have mentioned that yes, we did go to therapy. First together and then just him (therapist insisted on it as he said the violence part was not about me at all and something he needed to work on by himself). I would never cheat again. That is ot my question at all- is more like, will I ever feel the same way I did before? will marriage bring us closer together overt ime? Is just something I hope and pray for.
    Also, yes, you are absoluteky right. I was no marriage material at the time, trust me, I know that. But at this moment I truly feel like I'm being the best version of myself and being a good wife. Is just the feelings that are not coming back.
    I hardly know where to begin. Why did you get married? You weren't in love with your husband or you wouldn't have cheated and even accepted ANOTHER proposal! Even taking that out of the equation- WHY would you marry a man who hit you??? I'm sorry to tell you, but patterns often repeat themselves. Not because you are innately "bad people" but because human behavioral patterns are difficult to change. So, it's very easy to SAY " I would never cheat again, he would never hit me again"- but you simply don't know. You cannot possibly project 10, 20, 30 years into the future and make either of those statements with absolute certainty. And you are very young, I believe you said you are 25- IMO, you haven't fully grown into you you are yet.

    Will you ever feel the same? No. IMVHO, Marriage never "brings people closer" just like having kids doesn't "bring people closer"- both only amplify what's already there or not there. You can't force feelings to happen that aren't there. You are living a lie. If you are unhappy NOW, trust me- you will be tempted in the future when another handsome man comes along that you have chemistry with. (and that WILL happen) Your husband may (or may not) eventually get tired of feeling like he's "forcing you" to love him. In either scenario, you are both clinging to the fantasy of the past and not moving forward with the currently reality. I think you BOTH wish this relationship was something that it isn't. This "happy lie" won't last forever any way you slice it.

    Please for both your sakes- GET AN ANNULMENT. Or at least do NOT have children together.

    I know some people will disagree, I don't believe there is only ONE person out there for everyone. I think we all have MANY potential good partners for us. Some may be better than others, but everyone will have faults and flaws. There is NO perfect match, because there is no perfect person.
    Marriage is incredibly challenging, especially when we are talking about REALLY long term- 20+ years. You will change, he will change- and you will face HARD ISSUES together. And you just don't KNOW how you would/will respond to things like: infertility, miscarriage, death of a parent, unexpected illness, unexpected financial hardship, death of a child, being evicted- These are the tough things. And you just can't know how or your partner will respond until they are upon you. And that's not even taking into ACCOUNT all the regular highs and lows of marriage. If you are already feeling like you are "faking it"- you have no CHANCE of even surviving any of the above. Even when you ARE madly in love, these things all shake you and test your relationship in ways you cannot begin to imagine.

    IMVHO, why prolong the inevitable- save both of you YEARS of unhappiness, admit you made a mistake and get an annulment.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Boy you made some really bad decisions. I find it hard to believe your family would be fine with the choices you were making, bouncing from man to man. I think you should have this marriage annulled or get a divorce. I think you need more therapy to get your head on straight so you dont repeat this.

  11. #10
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    Piling on here, get out of this sham of a marriage.

    While you are not responsible for your then fiance for hitting you, you do own the hurt you did to him with betrayal. His reaction was out of bounds.

    You have to stop looking to men to solve your unhappiness.

    I do not see you as being ready for a healthy relationship without counseling

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