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Thread: First big fight..I know I was wrong, but is it that big of a deal?

  1. #1
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    First big fight..I know I was wrong, but is it that big of a deal?

    So I guess I'll do a long story short..

    Posted on here a few times in the past about my ex being overly jealous and somewhat controlling in that I didn't even want to go out with friends because I didn't want the spanish inquisition when I got home. I was so sure I was right about my very strong opinions, but toward the end of the relationship came to realize that maybe, just maybe I was the problem. I can definitely be a little insensitive when it comes to going out. I liken it to something like a caged dog running and jumping after being set free. I didn't go out much, but when I did, I went OUT. We broke up (i initiated) and I am now with an amazing man who I am head over heels about.

    We've been together for almost 2 years and things have been going great. We moved in together and I am very close to his family. Everything is sort of falling in to place, as we talk about our future, home buying, etc. Recently a close friend has come back into my life and every time we get together it has been to excess. I can't say for sure what is going on with her, but she is divorced, unsuccessfully looking for "love", and recently got a DUI. So, not in the best place. I, recently got fired from my job. So, a couple days ago for our girls night, we were definitely drinking about it. I stupidly let her egg me on to drink more than I should, or faster than I should anyway..

    So we go out, we get a little drunk. She catches the attention of this guy and his friend nearby. He turns his stool and joins our group. He's a bit older, said he was a cop, and just seemed like a stand-up guy. I can't remember whose idea it was, but we decide to leave and head back here to my place as I have an outdoor seating arrangement and it was a beautiful night. We take an uber, they drive. We have one, maybe two drinks and they leave. The cop drives her back to her place and the friend leaves.

    I remember beginning to clean up, and I remember calling it quits on the couch. I don't remember breaking a glass on the porch. So, he comes home to me on the couch and glass on the porch..he is livid.

    He is hurt that I invited strangers back to our house and he keeps calling it a double date. I did not cheat, I do not cheat. I was talking about my boyfriend all night. I did text him to let him know what we were up to and he just sarcastically replied "great". I was not sober enough to read into that completely. I wish he would have texted me absolutely not and maybe some of this would have been avoided. I understand that I put myself, our house and our belongings in jeopardy by having people over and not being fully "there". I totally get all the bad things that could have happened.

    He is now saying that he is not sure if we are right for eachother. I'm worried sick that we are going to break up over this. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight because I feel like he can hardly look at me. So please, thoughts..advice..criticism.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, on one level I read all this and go: What's the big deal? Yeah, it's a graceless, boozy night with a broken glass but it seems like a pretty small hill for you boyfriend to start a war on. If a woman wants to cheat, or even flirt, odds are she's not going to bring a dude home to the house she shares with her boyfriend. So I'd see it all as something to peeved about, not royally pissed.

    Unless, of course, it's not really about that, or only. Reading betwen the lines, sounds like you, along with your friend, aren't being your cutest selves these days. You were fired recently? If I was living with my girlfriend and she was fired I'd be stressed. And you're handling that by drinking to excess with a wayward friend? Then I'd be really stressed. And then you bring some randoms back and break some sh*t? Well, yeah, I could see myself questioning what the future looks like and whether it's a future I want to be part of.

    So, what to do? Well, it sounds like a good moment to check in with yourself. How's reconnecting with this friend serving you? How's the job search going? I think it would be a lot more productive to be asking those questions, and coming up with some answers, than putting yourself in the dog house and sleeping on the couch. That's kind of just dramatic in and of itself. Is the goal that he comes into the living room in the morning, feels you've punished yourself enough, and extends an olive branch?

    Laying around and saying "I'm sorry, I sucked" is not being accountable. Owning behavior and changing it moving forward is. I'd take that path, with the hopes he's still down to join you on it. The faster you get on it the better the odds that he'll be game.

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    I hope you didn't tell him that he should have told you "no". That would be blaming him for your bad choices.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    I'm already down here. Should I come up?
    Hanging with this friend is not doing anything for me and I am willing to drop our 25 year friendship for a good while until things are healed.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    No I didn't and I take responsibility for my actions. I just wish he were more clear so my drunk ass would have gotten it

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It's not for me to tell you whether or not to go upstairs or not. I think you have a lot of manic, shame-, and fear-driven energy coursing through you right now, and that it's best to get a handle on that before trying to engage. But generally, I don't think it's ever a great move to make a show out of shame. It's a kind of passive approach to conflict, where the person who has been wronged or hurt is still left to do the heavy lifting—to clean up the glass, literally and figuratively.

    It's late. Get some rest. In the morning come to him without aggression or drama. Tell him you love him and that this was a very unfortunate reality check that has made you realize you need to put some distance between you and this friend, and that the job search, and the relationship, are your priorities moving forward. He'll respond however he responds—and however he responds does not matter because this friend isn't good for you and a job is good. Make those real steps, give him time to feel and process as he needs to, and see where the chips fall.

    You've got two years together. People f up, and I'm assuming, and hoping, the past few weeks are more an exception than the rule. This doesn't have to be the end of the world, so don't treat it like that.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    You've been so incredibly helpful, thank you for your replies. I'm an absolute mess and its helped a lot

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Happy to help. Chill with the "absolute mess" business, or at least get it reigned in before you communicate with him. You're a person, in a relationship, who has recently made some unfortunate choices that have had some consequences. That story is playing out in millions of homes across the globe. You're in good company. It's a thing that happens.

    Adults clean up messes, children thrown tantrums. You got this.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by quark
    No I didn't and I take responsibility for my actions. I just wish he were more clear so my drunk ass would have gotten it
    That’s still blaming him.

    Your story has holes in it. You make it sound innocent but you forgot breaking a glass. Frankly it sounds flirty. If he brought two women to your house, how would you feel?

  11. #10
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    I'm not blaming him, he didn't make my drink till I got drunk then make that decision. It's more of an after thought. I texted him to tell him as a sort of "this is okay, right?". The reply I got doesn't match the severity of the fight rn. That's all.

    What's even more is I was doing this for my friend. I so desperately wanted her and the guy to have extra time together to hopefully hit it off. It was all for her. Its not like I "had a blast" or anything.

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