Jump to content

First big fight..I know I was wrong, but is it that big of a deal?


quark

Recommended Posts

So I guess I'll do a long story short..

 

Posted on here a few times in the past about my ex being overly jealous and somewhat controlling in that I didn't even want to go out with friends because I didn't want the spanish inquisition when I got home. I was so sure I was right about my very strong opinions, but toward the end of the relationship came to realize that maybe, just maybe I was the problem. I can definitely be a little insensitive when it comes to going out. I liken it to something like a caged dog running and jumping after being set free. I didn't go out much, but when I did, I went OUT. We broke up (i initiated) and I am now with an amazing man who I am head over heels about.

 

We've been together for almost 2 years and things have been going great. We moved in together and I am very close to his family. Everything is sort of falling in to place, as we talk about our future, home buying, etc. Recently a close friend has come back into my life and every time we get together it has been to excess. I can't say for sure what is going on with her, but she is divorced, unsuccessfully looking for "love", and recently got a DUI. So, not in the best place. I, recently got fired from my job. So, a couple days ago for our girls night, we were definitely drinking about it. I stupidly let her egg me on to drink more than I should, or faster than I should anyway..

 

So we go out, we get a little drunk. She catches the attention of this guy and his friend nearby. He turns his stool and joins our group. He's a bit older, said he was a cop, and just seemed like a stand-up guy. I can't remember whose idea it was, but we decide to leave and head back here to my place as I have an outdoor seating arrangement and it was a beautiful night. We take an uber, they drive. We have one, maybe two drinks and they leave. The cop drives her back to her place and the friend leaves.

 

I remember beginning to clean up, and I remember calling it quits on the couch. I don't remember breaking a glass on the porch. So, he comes home to me on the couch and glass on the porch..he is livid.

 

He is hurt that I invited strangers back to our house and he keeps calling it a double date. I did not cheat, I do not cheat. I was talking about my boyfriend all night. I did text him to let him know what we were up to and he just sarcastically replied "great". I was not sober enough to read into that completely. I wish he would have texted me absolutely not and maybe some of this would have been avoided. I understand that I put myself, our house and our belongings in jeopardy by having people over and not being fully "there". I totally get all the bad things that could have happened.

 

He is now saying that he is not sure if we are right for eachother. I'm worried sick that we are going to break up over this. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight because I feel like he can hardly look at me. So please, thoughts..advice..criticism.

Link to comment
  • Replies 52
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Well, on one level I read all this and go: What's the big deal? Yeah, it's a graceless, boozy night with a broken glass but it seems like a pretty small hill for you boyfriend to start a war on. If a woman wants to cheat, or even flirt, odds are she's not going to bring a dude home to the house she shares with her boyfriend. So I'd see it all as something to peeved about, not royally pissed.

 

Unless, of course, it's not really about that, or only. Reading betwen the lines, sounds like you, along with your friend, aren't being your cutest selves these days. You were fired recently? If I was living with my girlfriend and she was fired I'd be stressed. And you're handling that by drinking to excess with a wayward friend? Then I'd be really stressed. And then you bring some randoms back and break some sh*t? Well, yeah, I could see myself questioning what the future looks like and whether it's a future I want to be part of.

 

So, what to do? Well, it sounds like a good moment to check in with yourself. How's reconnecting with this friend serving you? How's the job search going? I think it would be a lot more productive to be asking those questions, and coming up with some answers, than putting yourself in the dog house and sleeping on the couch. That's kind of just dramatic in and of itself. Is the goal that he comes into the living room in the morning, feels you've punished yourself enough, and extends an olive branch?

 

Laying around and saying "I'm sorry, I sucked" is not being accountable. Owning behavior and changing it moving forward is. I'd take that path, with the hopes he's still down to join you on it. The faster you get on it the better the odds that he'll be game.

Link to comment

It's not for me to tell you whether or not to go upstairs or not. I think you have a lot of manic, shame-, and fear-driven energy coursing through you right now, and that it's best to get a handle on that before trying to engage. But generally, I don't think it's ever a great move to make a show out of shame. It's a kind of passive approach to conflict, where the person who has been wronged or hurt is still left to do the heavy lifting—to clean up the glass, literally and figuratively.

 

It's late. Get some rest. In the morning come to him without aggression or drama. Tell him you love him and that this was a very unfortunate reality check that has made you realize you need to put some distance between you and this friend, and that the job search, and the relationship, are your priorities moving forward. He'll respond however he responds—and however he responds does not matter because this friend isn't good for you and a job is good. Make those real steps, give him time to feel and process as he needs to, and see where the chips fall.

 

You've got two years together. People f up, and I'm assuming, and hoping, the past few weeks are more an exception than the rule. This doesn't have to be the end of the world, so don't treat it like that.

Link to comment

Happy to help. Chill with the "absolute mess" business, or at least get it reigned in before you communicate with him. You're a person, in a relationship, who has recently made some unfortunate choices that have had some consequences. That story is playing out in millions of homes across the globe. You're in good company. It's a thing that happens.

 

Adults clean up messes, children thrown tantrums. You got this.

Link to comment
No I didn't and I take responsibility for my actions. I just wish he were more clear so my drunk ass would have gotten it

 

That’s still blaming him.

 

Your story has holes in it. You make it sound innocent but you forgot breaking a glass. Frankly it sounds flirty. If he brought two women to your house, how would you feel?

Link to comment

I'm not blaming him, he didn't make my drink till I got drunk then make that decision. It's more of an after thought. I texted him to tell him as a sort of "this is okay, right?". The reply I got doesn't match the severity of the fight rn. That's all.

 

What's even more is I was doing this for my friend. I so desperately wanted her and the guy to have extra time together to hopefully hit it off. It was all for her. Its not like I "had a blast" or anything.

Link to comment
You've been so incredibly helpful, thank you for your replies. I'm an absolute mess and its helped a lot

 

It is positive that you can recognize your own mistakes and reflect upon bluecastle's advice honestly. That is a good sign.

 

Just to echo what others have said...

 

Drinking to excess with your friend(s) frequently, bringing guys back to the home you share with a supposedly serious boyfriend, is not acceptable even if you did not cheat or even think of cheating.

 

The fact is that all four of you were inebriated, to the extent that property was damage in your home, your friend presumably hooked up with one of the guys and his friend was probably fully expecting to hook up with you.

 

It would be delusional if you think any mature and self-respecting guy could be okay with that. If your boyfriend breaks up with you over this, let it be a life lesson. It would not be an over-reaction on his behalf.

 

Put it this way, if he posted on the forum what you described, people would be telling him, "Your girlfriend does not respect you, whether she is cheating or not, she is not ready for a mature and serious relationship."

Link to comment
I'm not blaming him, he didn't make my drink till I got drunk then make that decision. It's more of an after thought. I texted him to tell him as a sort of "this is okay, right?". The reply I got doesn't match the severity of the fight rn. That's all.

 

What's even more is I was doing this for my friend. I so desperately wanted her and the guy to have extra time together to hopefully hit it off. It was all for her. Its not like I "had a blast" or anything.

 

OP if you reflect on your behaviour, like really look at it, and the tables were turned... how would you view the situation?

 

It comes across that you are trying to paint yourself as a victim of circumstance... when in reality you are fully responsible for all of your actions.

 

I assume this isn’t the first time you have done something irresponsible on a night out or he wouldn’t be so pissed off.

 

At the end of the day, apologizing means nothing without a change in behaviour so don’t do it unless you mean it.

Link to comment
I'm not blaming him, he didn't make my drink till I got drunk then make that decision. It's more of an after thought. I texted him to tell him as a sort of "this is okay, right?". The reply I got doesn't match the severity of the fight rn. That's all.

 

What's even more is I was doing this for my friend. I so desperately wanted her and the guy to have extra time together to hopefully hit it off. It was all for her. Its not like I "had a blast" or anything.

 

Okay, I'm gonna be a little tougher on you now. Hold on tight—I'm on your side.

 

The bit about doing this for your friend? No. That doesn't stick because it's the wrong kind of sticky, the kind that only sticks in the shade. You're not Mother Theresa, and that night was not an act of charity that you put up with for the good of humanity. You're a little lost yourself right now, and it's that little lost part that's got you boozily engaging with this friend. I get it. Y'all have history, you're out of work, and in her you've got both a distraction from that and a vessel to feel better about yourself.

 

Still, wrong vessel, as this whole scenario illustrates. Own all that. This was as much for you as it was for her, and it created a little fire. Time to put the fire out.

Link to comment
No I didn't and I take responsibility for my actions. I just wish he were more clear so my drunk ass would have gotten it

 

Your two sentences are in conflict.

 

You cannot both take responsibility for your actions then point to him to be your protector via text. His word choice is the back stop for your behavior? I don't think so!

 

If I were to guess, there have been more than a few nights of drinking happening.

 

And be honest here, why were you fired from your job?

Link to comment

My biggest issue wouldn't be so much that I thought you were cheating or skirting the line. It'd be that you're an established adult who got so publicly plastered that at some point you thought bringing two strange men into our house for an after party was a good idea. That aside, no one wants to come home to their boyfriend or girlfriend passed out **** faced on the couch and broken glasses on the porch. I say it as someone who enjoys his booze perhaps a bit more than I should, but that's a few levels of magnitude beyond "not a good look."

 

I'm sorry to say but even if he were to completely buy it not being a "double date," the respect is most likely gone. I likewise have a hard time believing this is a completely solitary incident, but sometimes is really does take just once. He likely rolled his eyes you even put him in a position to have to tell you an obvious bad idea was a bad idea. Then when he came home to the scene he did, his already low expectations were still shattered. That's a hard spot to come back from.

Link to comment

Even if there was no cheating involved, or any intention to cheat, I would have a very hard time trusting the judgment of someone who is bringing strange men from the bar into my home. At a certain point in our lives, we are generally expected to conduct ourselves with more discretion and make better choices. You don't know these men from any other dudes on the street, and thus have no clue if they are indeed "stand-up" men or seriously shady mofos. One night of drinks is nowhere near enough to distinguish the difference.

 

Will your boyfriend be willing to forgive? He might, yes. You need to take more ownership in this, though. I also wouldn't buy this was only out of desperation for your friend to have a hook-up. I think you got too caught up in the partying and good vibes and made some unwise decisions as well. Don't try to shift this all on her. It's about you, too, OP. Your boyfriend knows this already and is probably upset in part because you don't seem to see it quite that way. You have some reflecting to do about your own motivations here.

Link to comment

I came up to bed because I gave the dogs the big couch. I was up here a while before he tears off the blankets and goes downstairs himself.

I tried to get him to come back up. Said we both need a good nights rest, he says what's the difference between staring at the bedroom ceiling or the living room ceiling.

 

He is so hurt and I cant do or say anything to make it better. He is so in his head. Now he questions if I am happy with him.

 

I can't believe my relationship is going to dissolve over something like this. Yes I was wrong but I feel like we are fighting over infidelity and we are not.

Link to comment
I can't believe my relationship is going to dissolve over something like this. Yes I was wrong but I feel like we are fighting over infidelity and we are not.

 

You know there was no infidelity. Unfortunately, he doesn't trust that there wasn't. It looks pretty bad from his angle, OP. He is only hearing that his girlfriend brought a couple random men home from the bar and was obliterated when she did so, and also when he got home. It doesn't paint a totally innocent picture, and I'm sure you can understand why.

 

Has this sort of thing happened before since you've been with him? Not necessarily bringing men home, but nights out that go a bit off the rails?

Link to comment

You're living together? Who is paying the bills right now? You just got fired and that has a lot to do with the conflict. Also if you gave him as many lame excuses as here it most likely got him even more upset.

 

Someone made you drink, someone decided to continue drinking at your your place. Someone this, someone that. You needed to drink and party because you got fired etc etc etc. Agree that your bf should reconsider living with you if you can't hold down a job and get drunk and invite a bunch of drunken strangers to his place.

 

Maybe it's time to stop making excuses and stop drinking. If you reread your post you'll see that the only person who is not responsible for anything, according to you..is you.

I, recently got fired from my job.

 

let her egg me on to drink more than I should, or faster than I should anyway..

 

I can't remember whose idea it was, but we decide to leave and head back here to my place

 

I was not sober enough to read into that completely.

Link to comment

Well, the issue I see here is that you are not single, you are in a committed relationship of two years and you live with your partner. You said that you go out and party a lot. I'm assuming this is without your partner? The thing is that when you're in a relationship you shouldn't really be going out to bars and drinking all the time without your partner. Of course you are allowed to go out with friends but if it's frequently going to pick up joints and you're really drunk as well and inviting strange men to the house, yeah it's not a good look.

 

I understand that your friend picked up a guy and the guy was with his friend. In that situation, the guy could have gone to your friend's place and you could have just gone home. Or in the very least you should have all gone to your friend's house. You are in a relationship and you've got a partner at home so why bring the guys from the bar to your place? Fair enough if these guys were your actual friends, but they were strangers you'd just met. I agree it's not a good look, even though you didn't cheat.

 

Also your friend is divorced and single whereas you are not. If you want to build a future with your partner then I'm not sure that going out "to excess" with this single friend is a good idea. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is controlling and he lets you go out with friends but going out with friends doesn't actually have to involve getting completely plastered. Going out with friends can be dinner, brunch, movies, bowling, whatever. Girls' night can be going to a beauty salon and chick flick movies at home. I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't mind things along those lines but when you say it's girls night and that actually means getting really drunk and bringing random guys home, that's something very different. What makes it worse is your boyfriend is not included. Like usually if I go out drinking my partner is there too, so when we talk to people at the bar it's both of us socialising as a couple.

Link to comment

Okay I'm sensing a gang-up mentality forming here, so I just want to clear the air about a couple things:

 

In regards to my employment, it was completely unexpected. I was let go because there was dysfunction and lack of leadership, and I was vocal about it. It never inhibited my ability to do my job and I was never given any warnings, written or verbal. (To be frank, I always aced tests, top of the leaderboard and always got great feedback) Basically, I challenged my manager to do a better job and he didn't like that very much. But yes, I was a sarcastic little tart all the time because things we're very frustrating.

 

Finances, we share. Earlier in the year he was out of work as he transitioned careers. I picked up rent during that time. With my sudden firing, he assured me that he's got us and we are going to be okay. He is 110% a factor in that I did not completely fall apart over it. He pays cell phone. I pay cable, gas, electric. Any money I spend out is mine. We do not have a shared bank account.

 

Do I go out drinking like this all time/I've "obviously" done this before. No. Like I said, these types of nights (3 in total, this one, one where he picked us up,and one where he was with us) did not start happening until I started hanging out with this friend again. NOT that I am blaming her, I take accountability for my own actions...these are just the circumstances. I have gone out after work with coworkers before, but never having more than 3 drinks and never bringing other people into the group.

 

If the tables were turned? No, I wouldn't be too happy. I think I would probably get in my head with visions of him flirting and laughing just like he is right now. But I would trust that nothing actually happened, because I trust him fully and completely.

 

I know some of the statements I've been making seem deflecting, but make no mistake... I 100% take responsibility for all my actions. No one else put it in my head that "hey let's go back to my place!". This sounds really pathetic, but for the first time almost ever, I have a really nice space. He and I worked on it together and the patio is so nice. It's like, I just wanted to share it? I wanted to feel cool because I have something? Because I grew up not having anything nice. I grew up not having a lot of friends or being social.

 

Just grasping at straws here for reasons why I made the decision to come back here with them.. No, I am not "mother theresa" and believe me or don't but my main driving factor was so that she and him could hit it off. WHY that had to be HERE after the bar? No idea. But, at no point was I wanting to have some rager afterparty. It was not paricularly "fun" for me. It's not like I enjoyed their company, really. I remember her and I sitting out before they had arrived. "I hope they come" she says. "Yeah, I guess", I replied. I was totally content in that moment just spending time with her. It was a stupid split decision moment for no good reason.

 

I am very concerned about why I am like this. Because as you can tell, I have no rebuttal for doing what I did. So I have no reassurance to give my boyfriend when he worries that something like this will happen again. That he is dating a woman with poor judgement and a broken socially-acceptable compass. I have no defense. I broke his trust and I put myself in a situation that could have turned out very badly. And now I don't know if we can come back from this. It's like he is putting his entire existence into perspective over this. I am sick to my stomach over worrying whether or not we will be together anymore. I just need to know. I need to get the hurt over with already. If we wants real space, I can see if I can move in with my mom while he stays here. I am willing to do anything to get back on track.

Link to comment
Okay I'm sensing a gang-up mentality forming here, so I just want to clear the air about a couple things:

 

In regards to my employment, it was completely unexpected. I was let go because there was dysfunction and lack of leadership, and I was vocal about it. It never inhibited my ability to do my job and I was never given any warnings, written or verbal. (To be frank, I always aced tests, top of the leaderboard and always got great feedback) Basically, I challenged my manager to do a better job and he didn't like that very much. But yes, I was a sarcastic little tart all the time because things we're very frustrating.

 

Finances, we share. Earlier in the year he was out of work as he transitioned careers. I picked up rent during that time. With my sudden firing, he assured me that he's got us and we are going to be okay. He is 110% a factor in that I did not completely fall apart over it. He pays cell phone. I pay cable, gas, electric. Any money I spend out is mine. We do not have a shared bank account.

 

Do I go out drinking like this all time/I've "obviously" done this before. No. Like I said, these types of nights (3 in total, this one, one where he picked us up,and one where he was with us) did not start happening until I started hanging out with this friend again. NOT that I am blaming her, I take accountability for my own actions...these are just the circumstances. I have gone out after work with coworkers before, but never having more than 3 drinks and never bringing other people into the group.

 

If the tables were turned? No, I wouldn't be too happy. I think I would probably get in my head with visions of him flirting and laughing just like he is right now. But I would trust that nothing actually happened, because I trust him fully and completely.

 

I know some of the statements I've been making seem deflecting, but make no mistake... I 100% take responsibility for all my actions. No one else put it in my head that "hey let's go back to my place!". This sounds really pathetic, but for the first time almost ever, I have a really nice space. He and I worked on it together and the patio is so nice. It's like, I just wanted to share it? I wanted to feel cool because I have something? Because I grew up not having anything nice. I grew up not having a lot of friends or being social.

 

Just grasping at straws here for reasons why I made the decision to come back here with them.. No, I am not "mother theresa" and believe me or don't but my main driving factor was so that she and him could hit it off. WHY that had to be HERE after the bar? No idea. But, at no point was I wanting to have some rager afterparty. It was not paricularly "fun" for me. It's not like I enjoyed their company, really. I remember her and I sitting out before they had arrived. "I hope they come" she says. "Yeah, I guess", I replied. I was totally content in that moment just spending time with her. It was a stupid split decision moment for no good reason.

 

I am very concerned about why I am like this. Because as you can tell, I have no rebuttal for doing what I did. So I have no reassurance to give my boyfriend when he worries that something like this will happen again. That he is dating a woman with poor judgement and a broken socially-acceptable compass. I have no defense. I broke his trust and I put myself in a situation that could have turned out very badly. And now I don't know if we can come back from this. It's like he is putting his entire existence into perspective over this. I am sick to my stomach over worrying whether or not we will be together anymore. I just need to know. I need to get the hurt over with already. If we wants real space, I can see if I can move in with my mom while he stays here. I am willing to do anything to get back on track.

 

OK no problem about wanting to show off your nice place and patio but can I be really honest? I feel a bit like maybe you're trying a bit too hard and also you're investing your time and attention into maybe the wrong people. It sounds like this single friend of yours got divorced and now she wants to party, pick up guys and she needs a female friend to go to bars with. You are not single though so is there a reason why you're just doing everything she wants and not putting down any boundaries? What's wrong with saying to her that you're happy to hang out but just do other activities?

 

Even if you want to drink and have a girls' night, sure no problem. Why not bring a bottle of wine to your place, watch some rom coms, go out on the deck and have a few drinks at home? Is it necessary for you to go to bars and hang out with single guys? Your friend can meet guys off Tinder and if she finds a guy in a bar, they can just go home together the two of them. Why do you feel it responsibility to "wing woman" your friend and to provide entertainment and invite them all back to her place? And where does your partner factor into all of this?

 

Also even if you enjoy drinking and socialising, all good but you need to do it in an appropriate way. Why not invite friends and family over for a party and have a few drinks with them? And have your partner there too so he feels included.

 

I know you have not cheated or done anything wrong but the problem is your behaviour is inappropriate and kind of immature. I also wonder if maybe some part of you misses being single and that's why you're embracing partying with this friend? Because seems like there's some subconscious reason you are doing all this. You want to show off your place to seem cool to complete strangers? Why?

Link to comment

You have a drinking problem and your friend is an enabler. Sorry, but that's the bottom line.

 

You are in a relationship and living with your boyfriend, yet you brought 2 strange men home after a night of drinking. Totally inappropriate. This is indicative of the drinking problem.

 

Ditch your friend and get some help... please

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...