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Thread: First big fight..I know I was wrong, but is it that big of a deal?

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by quark
    Absof@kinglutely not. The second they came our way I was "my boyfriend, my boyfriend, my boyfriend". I know it's hard to believe, but i thought this get together was innocent from where I was standing. But that's my problem. I'm naive and downright child-like sometimes. That is what he is having a big problem getting over...my immaturity. Lack of ability to be an adult sometimes..

    I'm just so drained and done hurting. I've explained myself and that is all I can do. Oh by the way, he is definitely NOT outside the "drinking culture", but thanks for playing. I know this place can be harsh, but hurling insults that are not based in reality or truth makes you look silly. I am just so ready to accept my fate already. Should I put the gun in my mouth or to my temple? Just kidding..I think I'll leave the country if this doesn't work out. I am devastated. I have never loved anyone like I have him.
    So get over your naivety.

    Do you know how often seasoned "bar patrons" hear that from women? It is barely a speedbump on to what they want from you.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Guys would hit on me when I was just out somewhere in public with my girlfriends. I would explain "No, I'm married" and they would say "that's ok, I don't mind!!!!" D-bag, I wasn't asking if you minded!!! Then they would say "why are you here without your husband then? Where is he?"

    So yeah, that isn't too effective. I'm sure your boyfriend is aware of this.

    I don't think you were looking to cheat. I think you wanted to be the cool partier friend.

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Guys would hit on me when I was just out somewhere in public with my girlfriends. I would explain "No, I'm married" and they would say "that's ok, I don't mind!!!!" D-bag, I wasn't asking if you minded!!! Then they would say "why are you here without your husband then? Where is he?"

    So yeah, that isn't too effective. I'm sure your boyfriend is aware of this.

    I don't think you were looking to cheat. I think you wanted to be the cool partier friend.
    I agree and I don't think it's naivete or immaturity. The benefits to you outweigh the downsides - so what I would do is find other places to hang out that are not bars and stay sober. And stop making excuses about friends influencing you to make bad choices. Or if bars and drinking to the extent you do are that much a part of your life decide if that is a priority over a healthful relationship. Right now going to bars is playing with fire -at some point you might be willing to be more proactive when someone flirts with you and at some point you might decide to stop drinking so you don't then choose the bad consequences but until then I'd find other things to do for fun.

  4. #44
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    I'm going through my own cycle of emotions now.. At first it was obviously embarrassment, regret, sorrow, worry. I texted him that I was going to the grocery store later but he says eating is the last thing he wants to do. He just wouldn't stop staring at the ceiling last night. I just want to know whether or not he wants to continue this relationship. I'm starting to feel drained and almost irritated about being in limbo. I wish he would just say something, instead of "I don't know what to say". Then I think of him ending us over this, and I get angry. I don't want to downplay this, but I personally don't feel it's grounds for breaking up when I thought we had a really good thing going.

    He is also stressed to the max about performing in his new position. And his grandfather passed recently. (Parents are both gone as well). He is approaching 40, which seems to really be bothering him about where he is in his life. Guess my company isn't good enough, or impressive enough. And this latest snafu is not something he is proud to say "yep, that's my girlfriend!"

    I just want to make it clear that going out to bars is not a regular occurrence to me, and I don't need to desperately find other activities. Most of my time is spent here at home, doing chores, improvements or just hanging out with him. I only recently started going out more with my friend, this isn't a lifestyle thing for me.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    There are a lot of layers here, pretty much none of them good. It's more than just the fact the guys were guys. Describing an incident where you were so drunk you couldn't so much as fetch your own uber and needed him to come get you (despite his previous apparently valid concerns you disregarded) as "just that one time when..." has me concerned that if that's something you feel is hardly worth mentioning, what else could possibly have been or be at play?

    I disagree that if this is the tipping point, that his feelings haven't been genuine or strong. He's 40 and certainly well within his rights to step back and ask whether he's past the point of dating someone who has over the course of not too long a time had two pretty bad public drinking incidents and gotten fired for talking smack to her boss. And that's just all that we know of. I don't know how old the OP is, but if she's got friends of 25 years, it's sounding like she's at an age I don't think he could treat her as an equal without holding her to certain standards.

    FWIW, I won't be the one to diagnose you an alcoholic. What I will say is that it has nothing to do with frequency. You can partake to the extent it impedes on your life just as easily binging very occasionally. Honestly, often it's the case it's even easier to. You've got two significant enough instances in the two years you've been with this guy. You shouldn't be living in a way where you just bank on getting ****ed up and compromise yourself and your home once every year. Screwing up big time and then deciding to take a break from drinking until the next time isn't any way to live-- or at the very least is certainly not any way to keep a self-respecting man around. Again, I'm not going to say what you are or aren't, but I'd discourage you from minimizing it.

    The guy is most likely zoning out for the reasons I described above. You admit stunted and naive in a lot of ways. I don't know how that's manifested beyond the three or so concerning incidents you've divulged, but I can near guarantee he's not looking at just last night. He's evaluating whether this is the life he wants and whether he can with any confidence bank on it changing. While you don't like being in limbo, this typically takes more than 12 hours to come up with a decision. Obviously I'm not saying wait on him if he ends up stonewalling you for a week, but right now I don't think he's in the wrong for taking some time and space.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    I'm not going to call you an alcoholic, or lecture you (too much, anyway) about the perils of having too many drinks, but to answer your question: Yes, it is that big of a deal. To him. And, while you're definitely acknowledging that you didn't make the best choices -- and I applaud you for that -- you need to do some self-reflection. Maybe this person isn't the best person for you to be hanging around with right now; she's lonely, looking for love, has just gotten a DUI (!) etc. You've recently lost a job. "Misery loves company," for sure, but...is it really healthy, when we're going through stuff, to surround ourselves with people who are having so much of their own "stuff" as well? Especially if, in the company of that person, we do things we might not do otherwise? (e.g. drink too much, bring strangers to the house, etc.) And, even if you don't actually have a "problem" with drinking most of the time, it seems that, at least right now, drinking to excess -- or, perhaps, drinking at all -- isn't wise, and maybe it needs to be put on hold for a bit until you get to the root of what's happening with you.

    For what it's worth, I don't think your boyfriend should end your relationship over this. It's clear you weren't cheating on him -- at least to me it is -- but...that being said, he may be having difficulty trusting your judgment, and that's a big issue. Drinking a bit too much and needing a ride home is one thing; drinking too much and bringing strangers into your house is another thing altogether. You didn't know those guys from Adam. Sure, they "seemed" like stand-up people, but...how could you possibly know? You couldn't, and that's why I say that this friend, plus alcohol consumption, equals bad news. Had you been alone, or with another friend, and not intoxicated, would it ever have occurred to you to bring strangers to your house, even out to the patio for a few drinks? Rhetorical question, of course, because I'm pretty sure you wouldn't.

    So...my point: Think about what's driving your choices right now. It's not just re-visiting an old friendship and wanting to help said friend. It's about things you're dealing with within yourself, and while you work through those, I definitely suggest not hanging out with this friend -- you can care about her and still realize she's not the best influence on you at this point -- and stay away from drinking until you get to a place where you feel more solid, less easily influenced, etc. Are you lonely? Are you feeling down about yourself, lacking confidence? Do you possibly suffer from depression and/or anxiety? All things to consider.

    I hope you can work things out with your boyfriend; he needs reassurance, I think, that you are making good choices that are to the benefit, rather than the detriment, of your relationship. The best way to convey this to him is through consistent action.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    First big fight..I know I was wrong, but is it that big of a deal?

    Edit: my comment become irrelevant

  9. #48
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    lol What? Who said Mother Theresa. I didn't know she drank. I'm sorry - I haven't read all the responses in great detail and am coming in late.

    OP, it's been rough. Take it easy and take a deep breath. We've all made mistakes. I think you've been enjoying yourself and are happy. Some of your decisions remind me of when I was much younger. I venture to say most of us have been down a road where we've either gone over to a place we shouldn't have or invited people over we shouldn't have. It's really your boyfriend you'll have to make peace or reconcile with and yourself. As long as you learn from this mistake, you'll be fine. Both of you might want to go over and be honest about your lifestyles. It doesn't look like you share the same interests or to the same degree.

    If both of you can come up with better boundaries (some house rules at the very least) it would help ease tensions and fears. I don't think this friend is a good influence on you and you might want to limit your contact with her. Start looking into positions for work and going to interviews. Now is not the time to be drinking like this. Give yourself a chance to grow. Don't self-sabotage. You can do this.

  10. #49
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    Have there been any trust issues in the past between you two, OP?

    You mentioned there have been other arguments over your maturity level. Can you be more specific about what triggered those conflicts?

  11. #50
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Now is a good time to try to reflect and regain composure. Let him digest and process. Don't add fuel to the flame right now. Just go about your business. Don't talk about the incident. If he wants to say something about it, just listen. Focus on patience.
    Originally Posted by quark
    I I just want to know whether or not he wants to continue this relationship. I'm starting to feel drained and almost irritated about being in limbo. I wish he would just say something, instead of "I don't know what to say". Then I think of him ending us over this, and I get angry.

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