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Thread: First big fight..I know I was wrong, but is it that big of a deal?

  1. #21
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    Well, the issue I see here is that you are not single, you are in a committed relationship of two years and you live with your partner. You said that you go out and party a lot. I'm assuming this is without your partner? The thing is that when you're in a relationship you shouldn't really be going out to bars and drinking all the time without your partner. Of course you are allowed to go out with friends but if it's frequently going to pick up joints and you're really drunk as well and inviting strange men to the house, yeah it's not a good look.

    I understand that your friend picked up a guy and the guy was with his friend. In that situation, the guy could have gone to your friend's place and you could have just gone home. Or in the very least you should have all gone to your friend's house. You are in a relationship and you've got a partner at home so why bring the guys from the bar to your place? Fair enough if these guys were your actual friends, but they were strangers you'd just met. I agree it's not a good look, even though you didn't cheat.

    Also your friend is divorced and single whereas you are not. If you want to build a future with your partner then I'm not sure that going out "to excess" with this single friend is a good idea. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is controlling and he lets you go out with friends but going out with friends doesn't actually have to involve getting completely plastered. Going out with friends can be dinner, brunch, movies, bowling, whatever. Girls' night can be going to a beauty salon and chick flick movies at home. I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't mind things along those lines but when you say it's girls night and that actually means getting really drunk and bringing random guys home, that's something very different. What makes it worse is your boyfriend is not included. Like usually if I go out drinking my partner is there too, so when we talk to people at the bar it's both of us socialising as a couple.
    Last edited by Tinydance; 09-10-2019 at 09:59 AM.

  2. #22
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    It appears you have a binge drinking problem. And you're using this friend as an excuse or as a cover.

    Since you're unemployed, does that also mean his money paid for all this drinking? Or does your friend pay? Or the men at the bar?

  3. #23
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    Okay I'm sensing a gang-up mentality forming here, so I just want to clear the air about a couple things:

    In regards to my employment, it was completely unexpected. I was let go because there was dysfunction and lack of leadership, and I was vocal about it. It never inhibited my ability to do my job and I was never given any warnings, written or verbal. (To be frank, I always aced tests, top of the leaderboard and always got great feedback) Basically, I challenged my manager to do a better job and he didn't like that very much. But yes, I was a sarcastic little tart all the time because things we're very frustrating.

    Finances, we share. Earlier in the year he was out of work as he transitioned careers. I picked up rent during that time. With my sudden firing, he assured me that he's got us and we are going to be okay. He is 110% a factor in that I did not completely fall apart over it. He pays cell phone. I pay cable, gas, electric. Any money I spend out is mine. We do not have a shared bank account.

    Do I go out drinking like this all time/I've "obviously" done this before. No. Like I said, these types of nights (3 in total, this one, one where he picked us up,and one where he was with us) did not start happening until I started hanging out with this friend again. NOT that I am blaming her, I take accountability for my own actions...these are just the circumstances. I have gone out after work with coworkers before, but never having more than 3 drinks and never bringing other people into the group.

    If the tables were turned? No, I wouldn't be too happy. I think I would probably get in my head with visions of him flirting and laughing just like he is right now. But I would trust that nothing actually happened, because I trust him fully and completely.

    I know some of the statements I've been making seem deflecting, but make no mistake... I 100% take responsibility for all my actions. No one else put it in my head that "hey let's go back to my place!". This sounds really pathetic, but for the first time almost ever, I have a really nice space. He and I worked on it together and the patio is so nice. It's like, I just wanted to share it? I wanted to feel cool because I have something? Because I grew up not having anything nice. I grew up not having a lot of friends or being social.

    Just grasping at straws here for reasons why I made the decision to come back here with them.. No, I am not "mother theresa" and believe me or don't but my main driving factor was so that she and him could hit it off. WHY that had to be HERE after the bar? No idea. But, at no point was I wanting to have some rager afterparty. It was not paricularly "fun" for me. It's not like I enjoyed their company, really. I remember her and I sitting out before they had arrived. "I hope they come" she says. "Yeah, I guess", I replied. I was totally content in that moment just spending time with her. It was a stupid split decision moment for no good reason.

    I am very concerned about why I am like this. Because as you can tell, I have no rebuttal for doing what I did. So I have no reassurance to give my boyfriend when he worries that something like this will happen again. That he is dating a woman with poor judgement and a broken socially-acceptable compass. I have no defense. I broke his trust and I put myself in a situation that could have turned out very badly. And now I don't know if we can come back from this. It's like he is putting his entire existence into perspective over this. I am sick to my stomach over worrying whether or not we will be together anymore. I just need to know. I need to get the hurt over with already. If we wants real space, I can see if I can move in with my mom while he stays here. I am willing to do anything to get back on track.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by quark
    Okay I'm sensing a gang-up mentality forming here, so I just want to clear the air about a couple things:

    In regards to my employment, it was completely unexpected. I was let go because there was dysfunction and lack of leadership, and I was vocal about it. It never inhibited my ability to do my job and I was never given any warnings, written or verbal. (To be frank, I always aced tests, top of the leaderboard and always got great feedback) Basically, I challenged my manager to do a better job and he didn't like that very much. But yes, I was a sarcastic little tart all the time because things we're very frustrating.

    Finances, we share. Earlier in the year he was out of work as he transitioned careers. I picked up rent during that time. With my sudden firing, he assured me that he's got us and we are going to be okay. He is 110% a factor in that I did not completely fall apart over it. He pays cell phone. I pay cable, gas, electric. Any money I spend out is mine. We do not have a shared bank account.

    Do I go out drinking like this all time/I've "obviously" done this before. No. Like I said, these types of nights (3 in total, this one, one where he picked us up,and one where he was with us) did not start happening until I started hanging out with this friend again. NOT that I am blaming her, I take accountability for my own actions...these are just the circumstances. I have gone out after work with coworkers before, but never having more than 3 drinks and never bringing other people into the group.

    If the tables were turned? No, I wouldn't be too happy. I think I would probably get in my head with visions of him flirting and laughing just like he is right now. But I would trust that nothing actually happened, because I trust him fully and completely.

    I know some of the statements I've been making seem deflecting, but make no mistake... I 100% take responsibility for all my actions. No one else put it in my head that "hey let's go back to my place!". This sounds really pathetic, but for the first time almost ever, I have a really nice space. He and I worked on it together and the patio is so nice. It's like, I just wanted to share it? I wanted to feel cool because I have something? Because I grew up not having anything nice. I grew up not having a lot of friends or being social.

    Just grasping at straws here for reasons why I made the decision to come back here with them.. No, I am not "mother theresa" and believe me or don't but my main driving factor was so that she and him could hit it off. WHY that had to be HERE after the bar? No idea. But, at no point was I wanting to have some rager afterparty. It was not paricularly "fun" for me. It's not like I enjoyed their company, really. I remember her and I sitting out before they had arrived. "I hope they come" she says. "Yeah, I guess", I replied. I was totally content in that moment just spending time with her. It was a stupid split decision moment for no good reason.

    I am very concerned about why I am like this. Because as you can tell, I have no rebuttal for doing what I did. So I have no reassurance to give my boyfriend when he worries that something like this will happen again. That he is dating a woman with poor judgement and a broken socially-acceptable compass. I have no defense. I broke his trust and I put myself in a situation that could have turned out very badly. And now I don't know if we can come back from this. It's like he is putting his entire existence into perspective over this. I am sick to my stomach over worrying whether or not we will be together anymore. I just need to know. I need to get the hurt over with already. If we wants real space, I can see if I can move in with my mom while he stays here. I am willing to do anything to get back on track.
    OK no problem about wanting to show off your nice place and patio but can I be really honest? I feel a bit like maybe you're trying a bit too hard and also you're investing your time and attention into maybe the wrong people. It sounds like this single friend of yours got divorced and now she wants to party, pick up guys and she needs a female friend to go to bars with. You are not single though so is there a reason why you're just doing everything she wants and not putting down any boundaries? What's wrong with saying to her that you're happy to hang out but just do other activities?

    Even if you want to drink and have a girls' night, sure no problem. Why not bring a bottle of wine to your place, watch some rom coms, go out on the deck and have a few drinks at home? Is it necessary for you to go to bars and hang out with single guys? Your friend can meet guys off Tinder and if she finds a guy in a bar, they can just go home together the two of them. Why do you feel it responsibility to "wing woman" your friend and to provide entertainment and invite them all back to her place? And where does your partner factor into all of this?

    Also even if you enjoy drinking and socialising, all good but you need to do it in an appropriate way. Why not invite friends and family over for a party and have a few drinks with them? And have your partner there too so he feels included.

    I know you have not cheated or done anything wrong but the problem is your behaviour is inappropriate and kind of immature. I also wonder if maybe some part of you misses being single and that's why you're embracing partying with this friend? Because seems like there's some subconscious reason you are doing all this. You want to show off your place to seem cool to complete strangers? Why?

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  6. #25
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    You have a drinking problem and your friend is an enabler. Sorry, but that's the bottom line.

    You are in a relationship and living with your boyfriend, yet you brought 2 strange men home after a night of drinking. Totally inappropriate. This is indicative of the drinking problem.

    Ditch your friend and get some help... please

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Can you get a job in the near future with this type of recommendation? You may need one if he ends things over this incident.
    Originally Posted by quark
    I challenged my manager to do a better job and he didn't like that very much. But yes, I was a sarcastic little tart all the time because............

  8. #27
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    In my entire life I have never felt such a need to help someone else to get laid, to the point of offending my significant other.

    Of course it would have been a deal breaker if I showed up drunk with two also drunk women looking to score with me and my "Bro".

    And why would that be? Because the decision-making process starts well before being drunk.

    You are not responsible for your friend's sex life. You are responsible for protecting your relationship from this kind of trouble.

    BTW, not suggesting this, but if you were to have a candid conversation with those two men you and your GF brought to your house, both would admit that they were looking for sex. And you were on the menu.

    BTW II, if you were honest with yourself, you would admit that even if you were not ultimately fully interested, you liked the possibility and were willing to risk your relationship to enjoy the tease of it.

    THIS is why your BF wants to dump you.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Boy we have a lot of posters here who have never been drunk, never done anything stupid, have never upset their SO in any way and have otherwise lead saintly lives.....

    OK, OP so you got drunk. It happens. Maybe you need to think on that and consider that you shouldn't do it again. Bringing those guys over wasn't the best decision but again, it happened and ultimately, nothing happened. Does that look good to your SO? Obviously not. So just own it. No excuses just acknowledge his pain and concerns, tell him what you told us, that in that moment you felt like...well....showing off a bit....but in the light of sober day, you fully grasp how stupid that actually was. You get it and it won't happen again because you grew up from this situation and you get that you put yourself and him in a potentially bad situation. Luckily nothing bad happened and it's a lesson learned for life.

    As for him. Give him a chance to vent, be angry and cool off. If he dumps you over this....your relationship was never that strong to begin with. In terms of problems, this is a small one. If he can't let that go, what will happen when you encounter more serious problems in life? People will do stupid things and your partner has to have some capacity to forgive, let go, and move forward. He will do some appallingly stupid things too at some point. Nobody is exempt. It's kind of a human thing. You do not want to be with a person who will wield your mistakes like a sword over your head forever or one who will bolt the moment you are less than perfect.

    Good luck in working this out. Breathe.

  10. #29
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    Three drinks while out with coworkers is a lot. Maybe not to you because that's your normal, but it is a LOT.

    Having to call your boyfriend to come get you because you got too drunk?

    Why the need for so much drinking?

    Your boyfriend apparently is not in the drinking culture. You apparently are. Most likely he doesn't want to tie himself to someone for whom drinking is a primary social activity.

  11. #30
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Boy we have a lot of posters here who have never been drunk, never done anything stupid, have never upset their SO in any way and have otherwise lead saintly lives.....
    Touche...

    I'll admit, I was too harsh about the drinking. And I noticed that too, people on here seem to be very down on drinking. My "excuse" for getting down on drinking (even though I drink) is because my ex had a problem, went to AA and met someone there, then left me.

    She is now sleeping her way through AA

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