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Thread: First big fight..I know I was wrong, but is it that big of a deal?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by quark
    You've been so incredibly helpful, thank you for your replies. I'm an absolute mess and its helped a lot
    It is positive that you can recognize your own mistakes and reflect upon bluecastle's advice honestly. That is a good sign.

    Just to echo what others have said...

    Drinking to excess with your friend(s) frequently, bringing guys back to the home you share with a supposedly serious boyfriend, is not acceptable even if you did not cheat or even think of cheating.

    The fact is that all four of you were inebriated, to the extent that property was damage in your home, your friend presumably hooked up with one of the guys and his friend was probably fully expecting to hook up with you.

    It would be delusional if you think any mature and self-respecting guy could be okay with that. If your boyfriend breaks up with you over this, let it be a life lesson. It would not be an over-reaction on his behalf.

    Put it this way, if he posted on the forum what you described, people would be telling him, "Your girlfriend does not respect you, whether she is cheating or not, she is not ready for a mature and serious relationship."

  2. #12
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by quark
    I'm not blaming him, he didn't make my drink till I got drunk then make that decision. It's more of an after thought. I texted him to tell him as a sort of "this is okay, right?". The reply I got doesn't match the severity of the fight rn. That's all.

    What's even more is I was doing this for my friend. I so desperately wanted her and the guy to have extra time together to hopefully hit it off. It was all for her. Its not like I "had a blast" or anything.
    OP if you reflect on your behaviour, like really look at it, and the tables were turned... how would you view the situation?

    It comes across that you are trying to paint yourself as a victim of circumstance... when in reality you are fully responsible for all of your actions.

    I assume this isn’t the first time you have done something irresponsible on a night out or he wouldn’t be so pissed off.

    At the end of the day, apologizing means nothing without a change in behaviour so don’t do it unless you mean it.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by quark
    I'm not blaming him, he didn't make my drink till I got drunk then make that decision. It's more of an after thought. I texted him to tell him as a sort of "this is okay, right?". The reply I got doesn't match the severity of the fight rn. That's all.

    What's even more is I was doing this for my friend. I so desperately wanted her and the guy to have extra time together to hopefully hit it off. It was all for her. Its not like I "had a blast" or anything.
    Okay, I'm gonna be a little tougher on you now. Hold on tight—I'm on your side.

    The bit about doing this for your friend? No. That doesn't stick because it's the wrong kind of sticky, the kind that only sticks in the shade. You're not Mother Theresa, and that night was not an act of charity that you put up with for the good of humanity. You're a little lost yourself right now, and it's that little lost part that's got you boozily engaging with this friend. I get it. Y'all have history, you're out of work, and in her you've got both a distraction from that and a vessel to feel better about yourself.

    Still, wrong vessel, as this whole scenario illustrates. Own all that. This was as much for you as it was for her, and it created a little fire. Time to put the fire out.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by quark
    No I didn't and I take responsibility for my actions. I just wish he were more clear so my drunk ass would have gotten it
    Your two sentences are in conflict.

    You cannot both take responsibility for your actions then point to him to be your protector via text. His word choice is the back stop for your behavior? I don't think so!

    If I were to guess, there have been more than a few nights of drinking happening.

    And be honest here, why were you fired from your job?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    My biggest issue wouldn't be so much that I thought you were cheating or skirting the line. It'd be that you're an established adult who got so publicly plastered that at some point you thought bringing two strange men into our house for an after party was a good idea. That aside, no one wants to come home to their boyfriend or girlfriend passed out **** faced on the couch and broken glasses on the porch. I say it as someone who enjoys his booze perhaps a bit more than I should, but that's a few levels of magnitude beyond "not a good look."

    I'm sorry to say but even if he were to completely buy it not being a "double date," the respect is most likely gone. I likewise have a hard time believing this is a completely solitary incident, but sometimes is really does take just once. He likely rolled his eyes you even put him in a position to have to tell you an obvious bad idea was a bad idea. Then when he came home to the scene he did, his already low expectations were still shattered. That's a hard spot to come back from.

  7. #16
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    Even if there was no cheating involved, or any intention to cheat, I would have a very hard time trusting the judgment of someone who is bringing strange men from the bar into my home. At a certain point in our lives, we are generally expected to conduct ourselves with more discretion and make better choices. You don't know these men from any other dudes on the street, and thus have no clue if they are indeed "stand-up" men or seriously shady mofos. One night of drinks is nowhere near enough to distinguish the difference.

    Will your boyfriend be willing to forgive? He might, yes. You need to take more ownership in this, though. I also wouldn't buy this was only out of desperation for your friend to have a hook-up. I think you got too caught up in the partying and good vibes and made some unwise decisions as well. Don't try to shift this all on her. It's about you, too, OP. Your boyfriend knows this already and is probably upset in part because you don't seem to see it quite that way. You have some reflecting to do about your own motivations here.

  8. #17
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    I came up to bed because I gave the dogs the big couch. I was up here a while before he tears off the blankets and goes downstairs himself.
    I tried to get him to come back up. Said we both need a good nights rest, he says what's the difference between staring at the bedroom ceiling or the living room ceiling.

    He is so hurt and I cant do or say anything to make it better. He is so in his head. Now he questions if I am happy with him.

    I can't believe my relationship is going to dissolve over something like this. Yes I was wrong but I feel like we are fighting over infidelity and we are not.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by quark
    I can't believe my relationship is going to dissolve over something like this. Yes I was wrong but I feel like we are fighting over infidelity and we are not.
    You know there was no infidelity. Unfortunately, he doesn't trust that there wasn't. It looks pretty bad from his angle, OP. He is only hearing that his girlfriend brought a couple random men home from the bar and was obliterated when she did so, and also when he got home. It doesn't paint a totally innocent picture, and I'm sure you can understand why.

    Has this sort of thing happened before since you've been with him? Not necessarily bringing men home, but nights out that go a bit off the rails?

  10. #19
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    No, not really. Just one other time with the same friend..he wanted me to uber, I said we will be fine, ended up having too much and calling him to get us. He was not happy about that.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're living together? Who is paying the bills right now? You just got fired and that has a lot to do with the conflict. Also if you gave him as many lame excuses as here it most likely got him even more upset.

    Someone made you drink, someone decided to continue drinking at your your place. Someone this, someone that. You needed to drink and party because you got fired etc etc etc. Agree that your bf should reconsider living with you if you can't hold down a job and get drunk and invite a bunch of drunken strangers to his place.

    Maybe it's time to stop making excuses and stop drinking. If you reread your post you'll see that the only person who is not responsible for anything, according to you..is you.
    Originally Posted by quark
    I, recently got fired from my job.

    let her egg me on to drink more than I should, or faster than I should anyway..

    I can't remember whose idea it was, but we decide to leave and head back here to my place

    I was not sober enough to read into that completely.

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