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Thread: Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive

  1. #1
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    Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive

    I had just gotten out of my first relationship at the time and wanted to hook up with someone I know I wouldn't get attached to. I'll admit I wasn't in the best state of mind the few weeks after my first breakup. But anyways at this point in time my bf and I were in the "talking" phase, texting pretty much everyday, he did confess his feelings to me but at the time I only thought of him as a friend. In his mind though, we were dating/together when I slept with this guy. That is not true, we were only in the talking phase. We didn't become official until 3 weeks after I slept with the guy. Anywho, I started to fall for my bf later on, so I stopped seeing my FWB. He would sometimes message me to ask me how I am while I was in a relationship with my bf and I'd respond half of the time. One day, my bf saw his message notification on my phone and asked me about it and I thought that being completely honest about who he is would be the best thing to do. I was wrong. I asked my bf if it would make him more comfortable if I block and delete this guy on all social media. He said yes so I obliged. I've had this guy blocked and deleted for months now, I no longer talk to him. Fast forward till now, we have been together for 9 months now, and my bf brings this same issue up every. single. week. He obsesses over the little details about my encounter/relationship with this FWB, and asks me stuff like "did he F you good? did you love his muscles? is it because he's way better looking than me?" "why'd you have to sleep with him first before deciding you wanted to be serious with me?" "you should go F him since you care about F-ing him more than me"... the list goes on. He told me he evens imagines me having sex with this guy and gets disgusted with himself. It hurts me so bad and I start crying when he explodes on me like that, because I've been nothing but loyal to him and I make sure he knows that I love him and only him. I don't give him reasons to think otherwise. I don't know what he expects me to do at this point, I've done everything I can. We fight about this nearly every week and he tells me he doesn't want to break up and that he'll always love me no matter what. I don't want to breakup either because I'm in love with this guy. We have a great relationship aside from this. We are so compatible and I have never met someone I could connect so much with... it just pains me so much when he brings this up every week and I feel helpless. I guess my question is do I break up with him because he can't move on from the past or do stay with him, be patient and let time heal everything?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, you should break up. If he can't handle the answer he got, he should have broken up with you. What he is doing is mentally abusive. Having said that, most people would have a hard time swallowing a scenario where their loved one slept with another after they had confessed their feelings to them. His feelings are understandable, what is inexcusable though is staying on and torturing you like that. He should have broken up with you since he can't handle what happened. Imo, staying on and humoring his immaturity won't solve anything.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    It looks like it's a matter of "what you see, is what you get." This behaviour has a high tendency to escalate, along with emotional abuse which is more than likely to turn physical.

    I'd quit while I'm ahead...

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    He is emotionally abusive. Time to get out .

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you guys are?

    The answer will change my general thoughts on all of it, and maybe some points I'll add, but my general consensus will be pretty in line with what Clio offered. What he is doing is simply immature and uncool and a preview into the really uncool thing known as emotional abuse. If he can't handle the situation, it's on him to bow out, not punish you. Which is to say that now it is on you to decide if you want to be in a relationship dynamic that includes being punished for behavior you have absolutely no reason to be ashamed of.

    Being made to feel wrong for being yourself is about the worst feeling in the world. Being shamed for being you sucks, especially by someone who is meant to celebrate you. Think about that for a moment, and consider how someone who makes you feel that way might not be someone you are "so compatible" with. To many that alone would negate every other point of compatibility.

    And while I get that it's a bit of sting for your bf, I have to say there are a lot of men in this world who are far more secure than this and for whom this wouldn't even be a ruffle. You were just talking, wading into the waters. Not kissing or sleeping together? I'm sorry, but out in the adult world I live in it's absurd to assume you're someone's one and only at that juncture. I feel like your bf has some real growing up to do and that, unfortunately, being with him is going to grow you into an uncomfortable shape, if it's not already.

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    I am 21, he is 23

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    When he berates you and makes his ridiculous, insecure and guilt tripping accusations, do you respond that you love him and only him and tell him the other guy means nothing to you?

    If so, that is why he continues. He's stroking his own ego at your expense.

    If you respond with "Look, we've already had this conversation. I'm not discussing this with you again" he just might stop it.

    That is, if you have the patience to put up with such egotistical childishness. I'd have walked long ago.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    When he berates you and makes his ridiculous, insecure and guilt tripping accusations, do you respond that you love him and only him and tell him the other guy means nothing to you?

    If so, that is why he continues. He's stroking his own ego at your expense.

    If you respond with "Look, we've already had this conversation. I'm not discussing this with you again" he just might stop it.

    That is, if you have the patience to put up with such egotistical childishness. I'd have walked long ago.
    I do indeed do that actually...

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I am 21, he is 23
    Ugh. I was hoping you were going to say 18. Then I'd have had a bit more sympathy for a guy still trying to fit into man's clothes. But this? This is a young man still wearing boy's clothes—not uncommon in a 23-year-olds, a time when the verdict is still out on whether they grow out of that or into it in ways that make for very nasty men to be around.

    Regardless, that's not your problem right now, as he's already a pretty nasty young man to be around. Look at what it's doing to you: it's pulling you, the more mature one, backwards into a kind of logic system that probably last made "sense" to you in high school. Since being with you kind of validates that his attitude is okay, inside the relationships he's been growing into a mini-monster and you're not able to grow into yourself—not a good dynamic to stay in long.

    Sorry to put it so bluntly. You were young, single, looking for something frisky to distract you. That's just life, not a cross to bear and not something a cross a man who professes to care for you should be making you walk around with.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I do indeed do that actually...
    Well, there's your answer. His ego needs constant stroking and making you beg and plead and tearfully declare your love is his method.

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