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Thread: Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I just keep hoping and hoping that eventually he will forget about it. Actually for about 2 weeks, he didn't bring it up and I was very surprised. Then just 2 days ago, after we had sex, he told me "you probably rode him just like this, you probably moaned just like that" and I cried
    The way this man talks to you is absolutely demeaning and his treatment of you, disgusting. I think you would be better suited speaking with a professional therapist one-on-one who can help you gather the strength to end this. I hope that you do.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Leah33
    The way this man talks to you is absolutely demeaning and his treatment of you, disgusting. I think you would be better suited speaking with a professional therapist one-on-one who can help you gather the strength to end this. I hope that you do.
    I've thought about going to couples therapy with him before, but I'm not sure if that will help.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Once upon a time things didn't work out because he was immature. This isn't working for the same reason. That, right there, can be the beginning and end of this story. A sad little tale, but not a devouring epic. Think about that.

    You sound like you're of solid mind. You're a bit spun around, but you're still seeing up from down, or you wouldn't be posting here. Getting spun around on the search for a soulmate is a thing that can happen. I'm sure every poster here, myself included, have some stories. The key is for them to be just that—a story, not the story.

    Couple's therapy? You're talking about him like he's your husband. You've been dating for 9 months, and, by the sounds of it, they got derailed pretty early on. Dude turned a hiccup into a hurricane; imagine what'll happen when real things happen. What are you trying to get back to? Does teaching a mean person to be nice sound like a relationship to you?

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Once upon a time things didn't work out because he was immature. This isn't working for the same reason. That, right there, can be the beginning and end of this story. A sad little tale, but not a devouring epic. Think about that.

    You sound like you're of solid mind. You're a bit spun around, but you're still seeing up from down, or you wouldn't be posting here. Getting spun around on the search for a soulmate is a thing that can happen. I'm sure every poster here, myself included, have some stories. The key is for them to be just that—a story, not the story.

    Couple's therapy? You're talking about him like he's your husband. You've been dating for 9 months, and, by the sounds of it, they got derailed pretty early on. Dude turned a hiccup into a hurricane; imagine what'll happen when real things happen. What are you trying to get back to? Does teaching a mean person to be nice sound like a relationship to you?
    This might sound hard to believe but he isn't a mean person...I guess he can turn mean when he's jealous/insecure over this issue. But overall he's one of the kindest persons I've ever met. He's very gentle and caring.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I've thought about going to couples therapy with him before, but I'm not sure if that will help.
    I think you misunderstood me.

    I meant for you, not "couples therapy". You are with a person who is abusive, there is no relationship here to be salvaged.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I wasn't looking to get into another relationship after my breakup. After I slept with my current bf though, I started to fall for him even harder and not too long after that he asked me to be his gf and I said yes..and I know now that I shouldn't have told my bf about the fwb but he asked me who he was so I thought it would be good to just be honest
    Yes, this is part of why I asked if you've had a hard time with self esteem. You didn't mention an answer to that though.
    Because from my observations in life, this is more a personality led thing to go in these types of directions rather than a youth thing.
    As hard as it is to hear, on some level you are choosing a passive approach in which many will readily take in life to mean doormat.
    All you have to do is say " No, not playing this" and it would be the end. But I think you are enjoying it in a way, as it feeds your ego too in a way.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    This might sound hard to believe but he isn't a mean person...I guess he can turn mean when he's jealous/insecure over this issue. But overall he's one of the kindest persons I've ever met. He's very gentle and caring.
    This makes no sense.

    How is berating you by saying "did you moan like that with him?" right after sex equate to gentle and caring?

    Are you saying "other than the numerous times he's insulted me and berated me and gloated while I cried, he's wonderful!!!"

    Gentle and caring people don't act like he does.

    And I guarantee what he'll say if you try to suggest couples therapy...that YOU'RE the one who caused all the problems by sleeping with that other guy, so why does HE need therapy??!!

    This situation is so sad, that you think someone who speaks to you the way he does loves you and is gentle and caring.

    I asked before...what happened to you that you equate berating and insults with love? Who else hurt you?

  9. #38
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    "I bet you rode him like that and moaned with him like that," said no gentle and caring man ever.

    Sorry to be crass, but please think about that. He's not the devil, I get it. I dated a very cool, generally warm woman once who also cut my face in order to tell me she'd never hurt me again. Think I made a mistake letting her go because she was sometimes super awesome, whip smart, smoking hot, and for a brief moment lit up my brain as my potential partner?

    I hardly think about that moment—eight weird weeks in 39 years of life—and didn't think about it very long after. Whatever her good qualities, being cut on my face is not something I want to be part of romantic partnership. Simple math. Something is going on with you right now where you're not fully acknowledging the ways he's cutting you, and that's hard to read, to be honest.

    Itsallgrand is offering some very wise words about self-esteem. If something in this is feeding your ego, if some part of you is turned on by him demeaning you, if that registers at all like power or a powerful connection—well, I would suggest owning that and then deciding if that's something inside of you that you want to continue cultivating or understand a bit better so you can remove it.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    "I bet you rode him like that and moaned with him like that," said no gentle and caring man ever.

    Sorry to be crass, but please think about that. He's not the devil, I get it. I dated a very cool, generally warm woman once who also cut my face in order to tell me she'd never hurt me again. Think I made a mistake letting her go because she was sometimes super awesome, whip smart, smoking hot, and for a brief moment lit up my brain as my potential partner?

    I hardly think about that moment—eight weird weeks in 39 years of life—and didn't think about it very long after. Whatever her good qualities, being cut on my face is not something I want to be part of romantic partnership. Simple math. Something is going on with you right now where you're not fully acknowledging the ways he's cutting you, and that's hard to read, to be honest.

    Itsallgrand is offering some very wise words about self-esteem. If something in this is feeding your ego, if some part of you is turned on by him demeaning you, if that registers at all like power or a powerful connection—well, I would suggest owning that and then deciding if that's something inside of you that you want to continue cultivating or understand a bit better so you can remove it.
    In no way is this feeding my ego or turning me on...I guess it's just when we're good, we're really good and it outweighs the bad. We always fight over this and then we makeup. I know at some point I will have to make a decision. It's just very hard for me to do that right now

  11. #40
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    You aren't answering my questions or responding to my posts, so I will leave you with this; six months from now, a year and six months from now, two years from now, when he's still berating you and enjoying watching you cry, maybe you'll have had enough. Because I guarantee he will never stop, not when he's enjoying it so much.

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