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Thread: Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by saluk
    Would someone who loves you tear you down every week for something that you did in the past which was a perfectly normal thing to do at the time and which you can't go back and change, just because he feels bad about it?

    This isn't real love. It's need. They aren't the same thing. He needs you to make him feel better and he needs you to feel bad about what you did because it makes you a possession and he feels like he needs to possess you.
    To him it wasn't a "normal" thing to do. He said he would have never done that to me, because "we had discussed our feelings for each other beforehand." However from what I remember I never told him I wanted to be serious with him or anything of the sort...It was mostly just him confessing his feelings for me

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    To him it wasn't a "normal" thing to do. He said he would have never done that to me, because "we had discussed our feelings for each other beforehand." However from what I remember I never told him I wanted to be serious with him or anything of the sort...It was mostly just him confessing his feelings for me
    But he likes hurting you. He enjoys seeing you cry.

    How do you translate that into "love"?

  3. #23
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    Love doesn’t delight in their partner’s pain.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    He doesn't respect you, so that's game over.
    Now you are disrespecting yourself and I wonder if you have low self esteem in general? What was the rush to go from your first relationship, to a warm body FWB, to a bf right away while still chatting away with the FWB.
    You are young, I get that, but you should have dealt with lingering bed buddies on your own instead of bringing your bf into that and asking him if he wanted you to stop contact. You invite insecurity and troubles by making your f buddies his business. Just my opinion.

    Staying is only going to grind you down until you associate relationships and sex with yucky feelings and being out down. Not good!
    I wasn't looking to get into another relationship after my breakup. After I slept with my current bf though, I started to fall for him even harder and not too long after that he asked me to be his gf and I said yes..and I know now that I shouldn't have told my bf about the fwb but he asked me who he was so I thought it would be good to just be honest

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    To him it wasn't a "normal" thing to do. He said he would have never done that to me, because "we had discussed our feelings for each other beforehand." However from what I remember I never told him I wanted to be serious with him or anything of the sort...It was mostly just him confessing his feelings for me
    That's very telling, you see? He does not really see you, or hear you. He sees and hears himself, and his story, and wants you to fall in line with that. That is his lens, and it predated you. Now it's that lens that is causing these little burns, like a boy lighting an insect on fire at recess because he's angry his teacher gave him a bad grade for work he thought was good.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I wasn't looking to get into another relationship after my breakup. After I slept with my current bf though, I started to fall for him even harder and not too long after that he asked me to be his gf and I said yes..and I know now that I shouldn't have told my bf about the fwb but he asked me who he was so I thought it would be good to just be honest
    Look, there are maybe some lessons in all this.

    When you're not looking to get into a relationship, for instance, you're playing with fire when talking to someone who is professing big feelings for you and then sleeping with that person. You're likely filling a void without knowing it. And when the flood of hormones released by getting naked leads you to switch from "not looking to get into a relationship" to "falling for someone" it's generally a sign of emotional instability or recognizing that you can't have sex without forming attachments quickly. And, yeah, there is a fine but important line between honesty and oversharing, especially when it means sharing something that will potentially leave a mark.

    All that said, none of the above—not an eyelash of it—is anything to feel ashamed for, awful about, or to be punished for. Another man—most men, I think—would have handled this completely differently. Some may have checked out, kindly. Others would be indifferent. Others would be understanding, affectionate. The one you picked is mean and petty. That's his choice, as it's yours to continue to reward that by being with him.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    That's very telling, you see? He does not really see you, or hear you. He sees and hears himself, and his story, and wants you to fall in line with that. That is his lens, and it predated you. Now it's that lens that is causing these little burns, like a boy lighting an insect on fire at recess because he's angry his teacher gave him a bad grade for work he thought was good.
    He keeps telling me "You knew EXACTLY what I wanted, don't even lie to yourself" and I'd tell him "it's not my fault you decided to keep all your eggs in one basket." He never told me that he wanted to become exclusive, but he thinks it's implied. And he keeps asking me why I had to go sleep with the guy and THEN decide that I want to become serious with him.

    I really thought this guy was my soulmate, that's why I don't want to break up with him.

  9. #28
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    Do you imagine your "soulmate" being someone who enjoys berating you and seeing you beg and cry?

    Of course you don't have to break up with him. But you know full well you're signing up for potentially years of tears and of being berated.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Look, there are maybe some lessons in all this.

    When you're not looking to get into a relationship, for instance, you're playing with fire when talking to someone who is professing big feelings for you and then sleeping with that person. You're likely filling a void without knowing it. And when the flood of hormones released by getting naked leads you to switch from "not looking to get into a relationship" to "falling for someone" it's generally a sign of emotional instability or recognizing that you can't have sex without forming attachments quickly. And, yeah, there is a fine but important line between honesty and oversharing, especially when it means sharing something that will potentially leave a mark.

    All that said, none of the above—not an eyelash of it—is anything to feel ashamed for, awful about, or to be punished for. Another man—most men, I think—would have handled this completely differently. Some may have checked out, kindly. Others would be indifferent. Others would be understanding, affectionate. The one you picked is mean and petty. That's his choice, as it's yours to continue to reward that by being with him.
    I didn't sleep with him until I decided that I liked him. Once I decided that, I dropped everyone else and was focused on just him. Sleeping with him made me fall even harder because we dated briefly 2 years ago and I really liked him, but things didn't work out because he was immature.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    He keeps telling me "You knew EXACTLY what I wanted, don't even lie to yourself" and I'd tell him "it's not my fault you decided to keep all your eggs in one basket." He never told me that he wanted to become exclusive, but he thinks it's implied. And he keeps asking me why I had to go sleep with the guy and THEN decide that I want to become serious with him.

    I really thought this guy was my soulmate, that's why I don't want to break up with him.
    Gimme a break. I'll happily put 5K on a bet that you weren't the only woman on the planet he was curious about during that time, and if he wasn't conversing with another it's because no one was giving him the time of day. Because that's what people do when they're single: they explore, toss out ropes, see what bites.

    Sorry, but this level of gaslighting—look up that term if it's not familiar—comes when someone else is trying to offload their own shame onto another. And, hey? If he had eyes for you and you only, and was making space for that and only that—great. Own it with a spine, don't wield it as a sword.

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