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Thread: Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive

  1. #131
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Therapy. It will help you distinguish between attachment and love. Google "Stockholm syndrome". Unfortunately once in an abusive relationship the mind learns to cope through cognitive dissonance. And that could be a blind spot in the future.
    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    How do you let go of someone you loved so deeply?

  2. #132
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    How do you let go of someone you loved so deeply?
    Remind yourself that some people are best loved from far away.

    Head high!

  3. #133
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    By loving yourself more...

    See, you got into this abusive relationship by relying on HIM to love you, to be your support system etc. You where, and still are, codependent. You relied on him so much that when he would be disrespectful, you would cave, in fear of losing him. You would endure his behavior as the price to pay for the good times with him. You didn't value your self enough to stand up to him and create a safe environment for you to be in...

    Now it's time to take care of yourself and build yourself so you can learn how to set healthier boundaries in relationships with everybody ( bf, family, friends...). Think about some hobbies you always wanted to do but didn't have time to do, Exercise at home or gym (best way to uplift your mood), do some guided positive meditations, spend time with your loved one, cry, sleep, eat well and most of all, be PATIENT and gentle with yourself.

    Of course you loved him, but what you're experiencing now are withdrawal symptoms...It's scary to wake up in the morning and feel that you are "alone". You are not alone in this. It will get better with time and actions from your part. You will have the urge many times to go back to him or eventually have a "rebound" . Do not have a rebound. Best is to built your strength and self love first and later you'll be able to be in healthier relationships...

    Start with baby steps. You'll be proud of yourself .

  4. #134
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    Originally Posted by Cannelle
    By loving yourself more...

    See, you got into this abusive relationship by relying on HIM to love you, to be your support system etc. You where, and still are, codependent. You relied on him so much that when he would be disrespectful, you would cave, in fear of losing him. You would endure his behavior as the price to pay for the good times with him. You didn't value your self enough to stand up to him and create a safe environment for you to be in...

    Now it's time to take care of yourself and build yourself so you can learn how to set healthier boundaries in relationships with everybody ( bf, family, friends...). Think about some hobbies you always wanted to do but didn't have time to do, Exercise at home or gym (best way to uplift your mood), do some guided positive meditations, spend time with your loved one, cry, sleep, eat well and most of all, be PATIENT and gentle with yourself.

    Of course you loved him, but what you're experiencing now are withdrawal symptoms...It's scary to wake up in the morning and feel that you are "alone". You are not alone in this. It will get better with time and actions from your part. You will have the urge many times to go back to him or eventually have a "rebound" . Do not have a rebound. Best is to built your strength and self love first and later you'll be able to be in healthier relationships...

    Start with baby steps. You'll be proud of yourself .
    I will be looking into therapy after this. Might finally get a gym membership too. Is it bad that even after all the abuse and pain he's put me through, I'm still hoping that we'll meet again sometime in the future after we each do some growing and maturing so that we can start over again? I told myself after the first time things ended between us (2 years ago we dated briefly) that if it's meant to be then he'll come back, and he did. I'm still clinging onto the idea that if he comes back again then it's meant to be

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  6. #135
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I will be looking into therapy after this. Might finally get a gym membership too. Is it bad that even after all the abuse and pain he's put me through, I'm still hoping that we'll meet again sometime in the future after we each do some growing and maturing so that we can start over again? I told myself after the first time things ended between us (2 years ago we dated briefly) that if it's meant to be then he'll come back, and he did. I'm still clinging onto the idea that if he comes back again then it's meant to be
    Clinging to that belief is based on fantasy. It's also very dangerous. You'll think you HAVE to stay with him no matter how badly he abuses you. In your fantasy he comes back because fate or the universe or whatever says so. In your fantasy you have no free will, you're just bending to what you want to believe is "meant to be".

    In your fantasy, does he attend counseling for abuse? I invite you to Google the statistics for those who have chosen to attend counseling for abusers. Remember, these are people who sincerely want to change...not people who are going into counseling to entice their abuse victim to come back for more, or who are doing it because their abuse victim pressed charges and it's court ordered. The last time I looked up statistics the success rate was at 1%. So, out of 100 abusers, ONE will never abuse again.

    Think about why you believe the only way you can get through this is to pretend he's coming back some day a better person.

    Do I think he'll be back? Absolutely. Do I believe he'll be back after attending intensive abuser counseling? Nope. Only because you told us he said before he would go to counseling and never did. He said that so you'd take him back and it worked. It will work again unless you have enough love and respect for yourself to say "no" the next time he makes false promises.

    And yes, it's "bad" to want your abuser back. But it's also very common. If you search for stories of abuse victims, they usually share the same fantasy you have, hoping their abuser will "realize" and "change". As time goes on and they attend therapy and educate themselves, they stop wanting this because it's like wishing harm on yourself. Why would you wish to continue to be abused? Why would anyone?

    Don't worry much about the thoughts and feelings you're having. It's OK as long as you don't act on them.

    Have you blocked him from contacting you? I hope so. I hope you haven't come up with some excuse why you "can't".

  7. #136
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    I haven't blocked him on anything... we both agreed to go to therapy next week at our school. I told him we should go no contact and that I'd update him on therapy when I go. He agreed but he's been sending me goodnight messages and texted me good morning today. I never responded

  8. #137
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Never Ever discuss your therapy with anyone. It is private and confidential and needs to stay that way otherwise therapy is a waste of time for you.
    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I told him we should go no contact and that I'd update him on therapy when I go.

  9. #138
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I haven't blocked him on anything... we both agreed to go to therapy next week at our school. I told him we should go no contact and that I'd update him on therapy when I go. He agreed but he's been sending me goodnight messages and texted me good morning today. I never responded
    Tell your therapist about your "agreement" to discuss your therapy with him.

    He's continuing to disrespect you by violating your request for no contact. Doesn't that prove to you he doesn't care about your feelings?

    The only way the fog of abuse will clear is to stay the heck away from him. And that includes stopping all forms of contact.

    Please be honest with your therapist. Don't sugar-coat or leave things out to try to make him look "better" to your therapist. If you do, you'll be wasting both your and your therapist's time.

  10. #139
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    If you update him on therapy, then you are basically giving him control and asking him to stomp all over you again.

  11. #140
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Most people, in the wake of a breakup, find some comfort in the notion that some day, with better timing and some more maturity, reconciliation will happen. If the stars realign, if it's meant to be—the stuff of movies.

    I'd say that, even in the healthiest relationships, it's a dangerous mindset to indulge. Keeps you rooted in fantasy, not reality. The past and the future, bypassing the present. You're kind of concubine'ing your own growth and maturity, and the people who will be affected by that, aside from yourself, is anyone else you connect with.

    When the relationship was toxic, dysfunctional, abusive? Well, that's where it's really dangerous, since it's basically keeping the muscles flexed that allowed the relationship to "work" in the first place. Think about it: you weren't with him because he called you names, made you cry, regularly treated you like trash. You were with him because you held onto hope that maybe, one day, he wouldn't do that, that you could "work it out." That he would stop and be the good, decent guy that...he never quite was.

    Therapy is for you, not him, so please don't go sharing that with him. Honestly, while I know it may seem "sweet" right now, his continuing to text you when you asked him not to is just an extension of what got you here: his complete inability to respect you. If I asked my girlfriend to not talk to me for a day, because I was stressed, she would not talk to me for a day. That is respect. That is sweet. Therapy, hopefully, can help defog your windshield so you can see all that a little more clearly so you can feel it, in your bones and spirit, and with that lose your attachment to him and men like him.


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