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Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive


somegirl313

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I had just gotten out of my first relationship at the time and wanted to hook up with someone I know I wouldn't get attached to. I'll admit I wasn't in the best state of mind the few weeks after my first breakup. But anyways at this point in time my bf and I were in the "talking" phase, texting pretty much everyday, he did confess his feelings to me but at the time I only thought of him as a friend. In his mind though, we were dating/together when I slept with this guy. That is not true, we were only in the talking phase. We didn't become official until 3 weeks after I slept with the guy. Anywho, I started to fall for my bf later on, so I stopped seeing my FWB. He would sometimes message me to ask me how I am while I was in a relationship with my bf and I'd respond half of the time. One day, my bf saw his message notification on my phone and asked me about it and I thought that being completely honest about who he is would be the best thing to do. I was wrong. I asked my bf if it would make him more comfortable if I block and delete this guy on all social media. He said yes so I obliged. I've had this guy blocked and deleted for months now, I no longer talk to him. Fast forward till now, we have been together for 9 months now, and my bf brings this same issue up every. single. week. He obsesses over the little details about my encounter/relationship with this FWB, and asks me stuff like "did he F you good? did you love his muscles? is it because he's way better looking than me?" "why'd you have to sleep with him first before deciding you wanted to be serious with me?" "you should go F him since you care about F-ing him more than me"... the list goes on. He told me he evens imagines me having sex with this guy and gets disgusted with himself. It hurts me so bad and I start crying when he explodes on me like that, because I've been nothing but loyal to him and I make sure he knows that I love him and only him. I don't give him reasons to think otherwise. I don't know what he expects me to do at this point, I've done everything I can. We fight about this nearly every week and he tells me he doesn't want to break up and that he'll always love me no matter what. I don't want to breakup either because I'm in love with this guy. We have a great relationship aside from this. We are so compatible and I have never met someone I could connect so much with... it just pains me so much when he brings this up every week and I feel helpless. I guess my question is do I break up with him because he can't move on from the past or do stay with him, be patient and let time heal everything?

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Imo, you should break up. If he can't handle the answer he got, he should have broken up with you. What he is doing is mentally abusive. Having said that, most people would have a hard time swallowing a scenario where their loved one slept with another after they had confessed their feelings to them. His feelings are understandable, what is inexcusable though is staying on and torturing you like that. He should have broken up with you since he can't handle what happened. Imo, staying on and humoring his immaturity won't solve anything.

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Can I ask how old you guys are?

 

The answer will change my general thoughts on all of it, and maybe some points I'll add, but my general consensus will be pretty in line with what Clio offered. What he is doing is simply immature and uncool and a preview into the really uncool thing known as emotional abuse. If he can't handle the situation, it's on him to bow out, not punish you. Which is to say that now it is on you to decide if you want to be in a relationship dynamic that includes being punished for behavior you have absolutely no reason to be ashamed of.

 

Being made to feel wrong for being yourself is about the worst feeling in the world. Being shamed for being you sucks, especially by someone who is meant to celebrate you. Think about that for a moment, and consider how someone who makes you feel that way might not be someone you are "so compatible" with. To many that alone would negate every other point of compatibility.

 

And while I get that it's a bit of sting for your bf, I have to say there are a lot of men in this world who are far more secure than this and for whom this wouldn't even be a ruffle. You were just talking, wading into the waters. Not kissing or sleeping together? I'm sorry, but out in the adult world I live in it's absurd to assume you're someone's one and only at that juncture. I feel like your bf has some real growing up to do and that, unfortunately, being with him is going to grow you into an uncomfortable shape, if it's not already.

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When he berates you and makes his ridiculous, insecure and guilt tripping accusations, do you respond that you love him and only him and tell him the other guy means nothing to you?

 

If so, that is why he continues. He's stroking his own ego at your expense.

 

If you respond with "Look, we've already had this conversation. I'm not discussing this with you again" he just might stop it.

 

That is, if you have the patience to put up with such egotistical childishness. I'd have walked long ago.

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When he berates you and makes his ridiculous, insecure and guilt tripping accusations, do you respond that you love him and only him and tell him the other guy means nothing to you?

 

If so, that is why he continues. He's stroking his own ego at your expense.

 

If you respond with "Look, we've already had this conversation. I'm not discussing this with you again" he just might stop it.

 

That is, if you have the patience to put up with such egotistical childishness. I'd have walked long ago.

 

I do indeed do that actually...

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I am 21, he is 23

 

Ugh. I was hoping you were going to say 18. Then I'd have had a bit more sympathy for a guy still trying to fit into man's clothes. But this? This is a young man still wearing boy's clothes—not uncommon in a 23-year-olds, a time when the verdict is still out on whether they grow out of that or into it in ways that make for very nasty men to be around.

 

Regardless, that's not your problem right now, as he's already a pretty nasty young man to be around. Look at what it's doing to you: it's pulling you, the more mature one, backwards into a kind of logic system that probably last made "sense" to you in high school. Since being with you kind of validates that his attitude is okay, inside the relationships he's been growing into a mini-monster and you're not able to grow into yourself—not a good dynamic to stay in long.

 

Sorry to put it so bluntly. You were young, single, looking for something frisky to distract you. That's just life, not a cross to bear and not something a cross a man who professes to care for you should be making you walk around with.

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Today I broke down and cried hysterically to him telling him that there's nothing I can do to fix this and he basically just told me "You're right, there isn't. It's what you should have done"...

 

That's great for his ego. Not so great for you.

 

Are you still able to feel love for a man who enjoys hurting you and seeing you cry? Who would rather get his ego stroked than be loving toward you?

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That's great for his ego. Not so great for you.

 

Are you still able to feel love for a man who enjoys hurting you and seeing you cry? Who would rather get his ego stroked than be loving toward you?

 

I always tell myself it's his insecurities and jealousy making him act that way. I know he loves me

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I always tell myself it's his insecurities and jealousy making him act that way. I know he loves me

 

Interesting way for someone to show love.

 

As long as you're fine with him berating you for however long you two are together there's no problem.

 

BTW, he's not going to stop because he thinks he's right and because he enjoys it.

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Okay, you're now breaking my heart a bit.

 

You can call this love, but it's a mangled strand. Think about how you felt a month ago in this, then think about how you felt six months ago. Do you feel better today or worse? If you feel worse, you can imagine how you'll feel in another three months. That's easy math.

 

You know what you "should have" done when it came to the FWB chapter? Exactly what you did. And you know who you should be with? Someone who gets that—not someone you have to teach to get that, forgive for not getting it, and allow yourself to be raked over the coals and brought to tears because of the mangled wiring that is preventing him from loving you like a real man.

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Okay, you're now breaking my heart a bit.

 

You can call this love, but it's a mangled strand. Think about how you felt a month ago in this, then think about how you felt six months ago. Do you feel better today or worse? If you feel worse, you can imagine how you'll feel in another three months. That's easy math.

 

You know what you "should have" done when it came to the FWB chapter? Exactly what you did. And you know who you should be with? Someone who gets that—not someone you have to teach to get that, forgive for not getting it, and allow yourself to be raked over the coals and brought to tears because of the mangled wiring that is preventing him from loving you like a real man.

 

I just keep hoping and hoping that eventually he will forget about it. Actually for about 2 weeks, he didn't bring it up and I was very surprised. Then just 2 days ago, after we had sex, he told me "you probably rode him just like this, you probably moaned just like that" and I cried

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Again, you are positively rewarding his behavior which means he has zero motivation to stop.

 

Let me ask you, if you stuck your boss in the hand with a pen and she cried and said it hurt but then handed you a $100 bill, would you be more or less motivated to stick your boss in the hand with your pen?

 

Sadly, he likes to see you cry. That's not love.

 

Where did you learn that love and pain belong together?

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I always tell myself it's his insecurities and jealousy making him act that way. I know he loves me

 

Would someone who loves you tear you down every week for something that you did in the past which was a perfectly normal thing to do at the time and which you can't go back and change, just because he feels bad about it?

 

This isn't real love. It's need. They aren't the same thing. He needs you to make him feel better and he needs you to feel bad about what you did because it makes you a possession and he feels like he needs to possess you.

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The way I see it, being how young you are, you kind of have two paths before you. Path one: you get out of this, mourn it as needed, in processing it you develop a zero-tolerance threshold for this nonsense, and find yourself naturally attracted to people who don't display these qualities. Path two: you stay in it, get spun around a number of more times, and, because good times feel good even with bad apples, and orgasms feel good for everyone, you develop an equilibrium that is attracted to the very behavior that is spinning you around.

 

I'm almost twice your age. I've known people who go down the first path, and can tell you it doesn't get prettier. I also know people who went down the second, and can laugh about these weird, unfortunate chapters alongside their husbands and wives. They, 100 percent of the time, are the happier people, living the more rewarding lives, in my observation.

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He doesn't respect you, so that's game over.

Now you are disrespecting yourself and I wonder if you have low self esteem in general? What was the rush to go from your first relationship, to a warm body FWB, to a bf right away while still chatting away with the FWB.

You are young, I get that, but you should have dealt with lingering bed buddies on your own instead of bringing your bf into that and asking him if he wanted you to stop contact. You invite insecurity and troubles by making your f buddies his business. Just my opinion.

 

Staying is only going to grind you down until you associate relationships and sex with yucky feelings and being out down. Not good!

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Would someone who loves you tear you down every week for something that you did in the past which was a perfectly normal thing to do at the time and which you can't go back and change, just because he feels bad about it?

 

This isn't real love. It's need. They aren't the same thing. He needs you to make him feel better and he needs you to feel bad about what you did because it makes you a possession and he feels like he needs to possess you.

 

To him it wasn't a "normal" thing to do. He said he would have never done that to me, because "we had discussed our feelings for each other beforehand." However from what I remember I never told him I wanted to be serious with him or anything of the sort...It was mostly just him confessing his feelings for me

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To him it wasn't a "normal" thing to do. He said he would have never done that to me, because "we had discussed our feelings for each other beforehand." However from what I remember I never told him I wanted to be serious with him or anything of the sort...It was mostly just him confessing his feelings for me

 

But he likes hurting you. He enjoys seeing you cry.

 

How do you translate that into "love"?

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He doesn't respect you, so that's game over.

Now you are disrespecting yourself and I wonder if you have low self esteem in general? What was the rush to go from your first relationship, to a warm body FWB, to a bf right away while still chatting away with the FWB.

You are young, I get that, but you should have dealt with lingering bed buddies on your own instead of bringing your bf into that and asking him if he wanted you to stop contact. You invite insecurity and troubles by making your f buddies his business. Just my opinion.

 

Staying is only going to grind you down until you associate relationships and sex with yucky feelings and being out down. Not good!

 

I wasn't looking to get into another relationship after my breakup. After I slept with my current bf though, I started to fall for him even harder and not too long after that he asked me to be his gf and I said yes..and I know now that I shouldn't have told my bf about the fwb but he asked me who he was so I thought it would be good to just be honest

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To him it wasn't a "normal" thing to do. He said he would have never done that to me, because "we had discussed our feelings for each other beforehand." However from what I remember I never told him I wanted to be serious with him or anything of the sort...It was mostly just him confessing his feelings for me

 

That's very telling, you see? He does not really see you, or hear you. He sees and hears himself, and his story, and wants you to fall in line with that. That is his lens, and it predated you. Now it's that lens that is causing these little burns, like a boy lighting an insect on fire at recess because he's angry his teacher gave him a bad grade for work he thought was good.

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