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Thread: Estranged Father passing away soon

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Why did you not see him in those 26 years?
    Originally Posted by Rhombus
    Mainly didn't see him as I never thought about it until a few years ago. Not trying to make excuses but I don't remember being close to him as a kid so the want was never there.

    Thanks bluecastle. I'm a bit "I should feel something", which is confusing me. Also now thinking what happens if I do think of something to say but it's too late! Is that something that will hang over me?

    R
    Or, maybe a better question is, "Why did he not see you?" That relationship was not your responsibility to maintain, it was his.

    You're entitled to grow into neutrality on a man who never made an adult effort to be a father to his child. If you're not up for mustering some form of sentiment, then I'd lean into that and make your own private vow to fully embrace those people in your life who have been, 1) IN your life, and 2) loving and worthy of your love.

    You're also free to form your own spiritual beliefs about what happens when people pass from their bodies. You could opt to decide that what this man didn't know of you during his lifetime, he knows now. You could decide that if you ever have anything to say to him, you can say it at that time within the privacy of your mind or your own private ritual.

    While I can appreciate your desire to be supportive of your sibling(s), maybe frame this time as a question about what you would like to do for them rather than imposing some abstract 'should' on yourself.

    Head high, and I'm sorry you lost your father for all of these years. My heart goes out to you.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Or, maybe a better question is, "Why did he not see you?" That relationship was not your responsibility to maintain, it was his.

    You're entitled to grow into neutrality on a man who never made an adult effort to be a father to his child. If you're not up for mustering some form of sentiment, then I'd lean into that and make your own private vow to fully embrace those people in your life who have been, 1) IN your life, and 2) loving and worthy of your love.

    You're also free to form your own spiritual beliefs about what happens when people pass from their bodies. You could opt to decide that what this man didn't know of you during his lifetime, he knows now. You could decide that if you ever have anything to say to him, you can say it at that time within the privacy of your mind or your own private ritual.

    While I can appreciate your desire to be supportive of your sibling(s), maybe frame this time as a question about what you would like to do for them rather than imposing some abstract 'should' on yourself.

    Head high, and I'm sorry you lost your father for all of these years. My heart goes out to you.
    If she was 5 years old now YES,

    But being that it was 26 years ago, it was not always easy for dads if mom forbid it, the court was not kind to dad, etc.
    So many stories here about a mother "punishing" dad because he doesn't want a romantic relationship.
    Also, since she said mom moved her away after the divorce, i can see where visits might be limited.

    Now things have changed, where unless dad was documented as abusive, that a father has a right to their child. The parent who moves away is usually ordered to send the kid on a plane. There is skype and Facetime

    Its not a time to keep a ticksheet. The question is "do you want to see your dad one time before you won't have a chance to? or talk to him on the phone?" That's the question. if dad was healthier you may have gone through the feeling that you DO want more communication once you had a kid or something who knows. Its not about having to have something major to say. It could also be done in the spirit that it would be something nice to do for him to hear your voice one last time or to know you are doing okay as an adult out or generosity of the heart, or could be done in sibling harmony as well.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Perhaps you can just talk to him rather than fly there. Maybe this half-sister can arrange a video call with him. It seems you are fearing regrets. Imminent deaths tend to do that. Make peace with yourself.
    Originally Posted by Rhombus
    My half-sister who I keep in touch with told me (she is closer to him than me) and wants to know if I have anything to say or feelings to pass on.

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