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Thread: Envy? Whatís the basis for that feeling?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I feel we're departing a bit from the envy stuff, which is okay, especially since such great thoughts and advice has already come outóand because it really does seem like the envy stuff is connected to the connection stuff, yeah? Guess, before answering your above, I just want to check in and make sure you don't feel I'm misreading things or hijacking things from what was behind your original post.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Thank you Nebraskagirl14.

    At first I was reluctant to resume volunteering again but my BFF persuaded me to give it another go so I am.

    You did a lot of loving care for animals. I'm a dog lover, too. I miss my amazing Golden Retriever who passed away in Jan 2019. I miss her terribly.

    I was jealous and envious of a lot of people in my life time until I dug deeper. When someone lives in a big, fancy house, I'm envious and then I discovered that the wife's husband is extremely disrespectful and obnoxiously rude to her AND their children so it's not all roses, butterflies and chirping birds. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

    I'm envious and jealous of my in-laws who have awesome financial security, they're quite affluent and set for life. Then I dug deeper and they're in very poor health. Who's the richer one now?

    I'm envious and jealous of a friend who owns several homes free and clear, has zero mortgages, wealthy beyond your wildest imagination yet she's lonely. Her husband isn't home much, her kids moved faraway and she's always depressed.

    I'm envious and jealous of another friend who has a lot of money, a great job, a big house in the suburbs yet she's haunted by memories of a traumatic and abusive childhood and teen years. She can't escape the ghosts that chase her. She has nightmares. Again, who is the wealthier one now?

    I'm grateful for my husband who treats me with respect and love, two amazing sons, a stable, peaceful, secure, content life in the suburbs. I don't live in a mansion yet I feel wealthy in other ways. This is how I count my blessings. I can list a lot that I don't have but at the end of the day, basic happiness is all that matters. Everything else is superfluous.

  3. #23
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Envy? Whatís the basis for that feeling?

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I feel we're departing a bit from the envy stuff, which is okay, especially since such great thoughts and advice has already come outóand because it really does seem like the envy stuff is connected to the connection stuff, yeah? Guess, before answering your above, I just want to check in and make sure you don't feel I'm misreading things or hijacking things from what was behind your original post.
    Not at all... the envy stuff is connected to the above thoughts. Hereís how: I am attracted to someone. They are not available. They may then date others or are perhaps taken. I am envious of their relationship with others because I want them emotionally and physically and canít have that. That is a very dramatic explanation and not indicative of my relationships in general, but indicative of when I feel the most envy. Like you, Bluecastle, I always go after what I want in life. If I want something, I go for it. I feel like I can make it happen. The personal relationship thing, as I said, is the one sticking point for me.

  4. #24
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Thank you Nebraskagirl14.

    At first I was reluctant to resume volunteering again but my BFF persuaded me to give it another go so I am.

    You did a lot of loving care for animals. I'm a dog lover, too. I miss my amazing Golden Retriever who passed away in Jan 2019. I miss her terribly.

    I was jealous and envious of a lot of people in my life time until I dug deeper. When someone lives in a big, fancy house, I'm envious and then I discovered that the wife's husband is extremely disrespectful and obnoxiously rude to her AND their children so it's not all roses, butterflies and chirping birds. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

    I'm envious and jealous of my in-laws who have awesome financial security, they're quite affluent and set for life. Then I dug deeper and they're in very poor health. Who's the richer one now?

    I'm envious and jealous of a friend who owns several homes free and clear, has zero mortgages, wealthy beyond your wildest imagination yet she's lonely. Her husband isn't home much, her kids moved faraway and she's always depressed.

    I'm envious and jealous of another friend who has a lot of money, a great job, a big house in the suburbs yet she's haunted by memories of a traumatic and abusive childhood and teen years. She can't escape the ghosts that chase her. She has nightmares. Again, who is the wealthier one now?

    I'm grateful for my husband who treats me with respect and love, two amazing sons, a stable, peaceful, secure, content life in the suburbs. I don't live in a mansion yet I feel wealthy in other ways. This is how I count my blessings. I can list a lot that I don't have but at the end of the day, basic happiness is all that matters. Everything else is superfluous.
    This is SO GOOD, Cherylyn!!!! Thank you!! Youíre right. We never know about othersí relationships and honestly, for example, I have a few friends that have relationships that I donít envy but I do envy that they are number one for someone and Iím not right now. For myself I am and that is what matters most, I know. Iím so sorry about your Golden Retriever!!!

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  6. #25
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Envy? Whatís the basis for that feeling?

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I feel we're departing a bit from the envy stuff, which is okay, especially since such great thoughts and advice has already come outóand because it really does seem like the envy stuff is connected to the connection stuff, yeah? Guess, before answering your above, I just want to check in and make sure you don't feel I'm misreading things or hijacking things from what was behind your original post.
    I also just want to add that some of these connections that I have had have blossomed into beautiful and very appropriate friendships. I am the kind of person that loves having a deep connection with a couple of key people. At times, that connection has danced on the line of attraction. Typically, it evens out and ends up being a wonderful friendship, however. Itís just finding my way in it if and when there is that ambiguity.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    This is SO GOOD, Cherylyn!!!! Thank you!! Youíre right. We never know about othersí relationships and honestly, for example, I have a few friends that have relationships that I donít envy but I do envy that they are number one for someone and Iím not right now. For myself I am and that is what matters most, I know. Iím so sorry about your Golden Retriever!!!
    Thank you Nebraskagirl14 about my late Golden Retriever.

    I hope your jealous or envious feelings will dissipate. Always know you have something another person doesn't have and your envious feelings will fade away. Be grateful for what you have.

    Trying to win a popularity contest is way overrated.

    Be strong, learn how to be independent, move forward with your own life, develop your interests, workout, take good care of your health, surround yourself with moral people and carve out your own happiness. When people perceive that you have your act together and going places in life, YOU will become the envy of many. Develop high self esteem and high self confidence and you will be pushing through an open door.

  8. #27
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Envy? Whatís the basis for that feeling?

    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Thank you Nebraskagirl14 about my late Golden Retriever.

    I hope your jealous or envious feelings will dissipate. Always know you have something another person doesn't have and your envious feelings will fade away. Be grateful for what you have.

    Trying to win a popularity contest is way overrated.

    Be strong, learn how to be independent, move forward with your own life, develop your interests, workout, take good care of your health, surround yourself with moral people and carve out your own happiness. When people perceive that you have your act together and going places in life, YOU will become the envy of many. Develop high self esteem and high self confidence and you will be pushing through an open door.
    You are totally right, Cherylyn and I really am very grateful for what I do have which is so very much! And I definitely do try to be well-rounded in my life and take care of myself in all respects. The envy always does go away and itís not frequent. Itís just that when I do feel it, I thought I should be dealing with it better or even not feeling it at all but that may be a stretch. I have been feeling, as bluecastle said, immature, for feeling this way at all. And also at times, shady. There are layers to this issue as you can see from the above convo, but in general, my life is very blessed. I just donít want to go on forever never truly resolving some of my relationship issues and I certainly donít want to bring them into my next relationship. Thank you again :-)

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Fantasy. The more we engage that, the deeper we can drill ourselves into an emotional ditch, even while reality smacks us back to recognizing what we don't want to recognize. So the less we engage fantasy 'about' people and engage the actual person, instead, realistically within the limits of what they offer, the less likely we are to project emotional stuff onto them.

    We're each in charge of our own choices. We can invest in learning how to discipline our mind to work in our own favor and lead us to external action in the real world, or we can live in our head and suffer the consequences of that.

    Our thoughts aren't something that happens 'to' us.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Fantasy. The more we engage that, the deeper we can drill ourselves into an emotional ditch, even while reality smacks us back to recognizing what we don't want to recognize. So the less we engage fantasy 'about' people and engage the actual person, instead, realistically within the limits of what they offer, the less likely we are to project emotional stuff onto them.

    We're each in charge of our own choices. We can invest in learning how to discipline our mind to work in our own favor and lead us to external action in the real world, or we can live in our head and suffer the consequences of that.

    Our thoughts aren't something that happens 'to' us.
    I think feelings often with rare exception just happen to us - it's how we react -with our thoughts and actions -that is in our control. For example OP the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and had these unusual racing thoughts/worries that were mostly negative. I immediately recognized them as unusual, and because of that my reaction was to go into my 4-7-8 breathing (and put on some more lavender oil!). I did let myself have one illogical reaction -I checked on my child who was sleeping. But first I balanced it in my mind - knowing it was silly to check, knowing it could potentially wake him (very bad) and also knowing that checking would quiet my mind. But I went through that process. Then I quickly redirected my thoughts to whether something else was going on and realized that it most likely was um hormonal. And the hormonal cause was confirmed the next morning. I give you this example to tag on to catfeeder that you're not a prisoner of living in your head and you're not a prisoner of feelings that might come and go. Feelings are just feelings and come up with a mantra like "this too shall pass" -I do that a lot when my child -who as he explained has less "experience" than me in impulse control - gets overly dramatic about something small that is huge to him. I take a deep breath and choose to quietly ride out the storm instead of trying to get in his head at that point.

    There are so many tools at your disposal and those tools often require more effort than the negative path or negative comfort zone of getting stuck in your head.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Envy is the gradient between what you want and what have. Close the gap.

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