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Thread: Sexually incompatible?

  1. #1

    Sexually incompatible?

    My bf and I are sexually incompatible. He actually seems to cum almost 100% of the time. He nearly always cums before I'm ready. If I try to delay it he doesn't cum at all. I think he feels bad that he cannot make me cum and it is driving a wedge between us.

    Also, I am extremely kinky. I have had this issue in the past where normal vanilla sex does not arouse me, but if I find a like mind the orgasms are back to back, even with people I not physically attracted to, so I know it's not me. The most important factor in my orgasm experience is mental. I've tried talking to him about it. Tried to find mutual kinks and those we share are pretty vanilla. Tried to hold back on masturbating to conditon my mind away from extemes. Nothing is working.

    Even with role-play he never seems to stimulate me enough to orgasm. He does not do much foreplay or touching. Occasionally I do orgasm but it is rare. He is into loving sex and I need degrading and pain. I need to be controlled and to submit and he finds it cold while I see it as trusting. I would even swing or be open but he wants monogamy ( unless it's mff threesomes which I'd do but I still find that pretty normal). In the past I've been a cam model and lived 24/7 kinks. He knows about my past and wants to help me "overcome" it. I can see the need to tone it down but honestly, I was happier. I question if I have a sex addiction ( I don't cheat) because of my preoccupation with it but I don't feel mentally scarred. I felt liberated and now I'm just depressed. I do experience physical withdrawal but I'm not engaging in risky sex or betraying his trust. It's an entirely different perspective.

    I love him to pieces. He's my soul mate. Our day to day interactions are good, we share interests and pastimes, we want a family someday, and I enjoy our time together. I have never been so in love. Physically I am attracted. He is gorgeous. I love his body and his face and I have a sneaking suspicion he has no trouble bringing other women to orgasm. His is a nice size.


    What am I supposed to do? Sex is so important to me but I want to spend my life with him. I started wondering if we should end it but I want to work it out rather than give up. Or should I just settle for unsatisfactory sex? It isn't everything after all. Can someone help?

  2. #2
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    Sorry but I actually do think you're incompatible. What distinguishes friendship from a romantic relationship is sex and it just doesn't sound like you mean sexually. Regarding the kinky, if your partner is not into the things you are into and doesn't enjoy them, I don't exactly thing it's fair to ask him to do them. E.g. if I was really into foot fetish but my partner is not, I would be better off to find someone else who would share that interest with me. Also if your partner orgasms fast but is not willing to do anything else to pleasure you and make you orgasm then that's selfish.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Set him and yourself free. You already know what the problem is and that you want to end things. Stop trying to change him.
    Originally Posted by arynnlove
    Nothing is working.

  4. #4
    Well, obviously this site sucks for advice on how to make that better. I specifically clarified how much I love him and wanted to work it out and everyone says just give up. I'll find a therapist. It occurred to me after I posted this that there are probably very few people who understand the alternative lifestyle on this site so if anyone else in my predicament comes across this take it with a grain of salt. I should try a BDSM board. Maybe it did help because being told to leave him made me even more determined to stay and all the reasons I should. I'm happy with him. This is not every aspect of our connection.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    That's a pretty hostile response to only two posters, I have to say. I know this is an emotional subject matter for you, a tricky knot you're working on untangling, but you might want to check in with those feelings a bit.

    Big picture: you've got a real bind here, no two ways about it. And you know that. What struck me as troubling was something that seems to be at the heart of your dynamic—this idea that he is helping you "overcome" something from your past. I wonder if, when you met, you may have self-identified some aspects of your life as "problems" so someone who was ready and eager to help you "overcome" them had enormous appeal. And perhaps he did, has, and that's beautiful. But now that that phase has kind of passed, you're realizing that overcoming your past did not mean forgoing everything.

    Because, alas, desire is desire is desire.

    I think of romantic relationships as requiring three strong connection points: emotional, intellectual, and physical, with the thing we call "chemistry," at its most potent, being when all three of those things fire and feed off each other with little effort. Personally, I don't believe any of those can really be "worked" on, and often we find ourselves attempting that "work" to make up for the fact that we got into a relationship that was missing one or more of those connection points from the start.

    If, for instance, I was writing a thread about how I'm frustrated that my girlfriend doesn't read the New Yorker, can't go punch for punch with me when talking Nietzsche, frustrates me at modern art galleries by not challenging me to see the art from a new level—well, I think people would struggle to help me learn to be "okay" with that hunger not being met or in suggesting ways that I "teach" her to be, well, smarter. Ditto if I said I could only orgasm while being choked while, for her, the idea of choking me was an immediate turn off.

    I know myself, not fully, but pretty thoroughly. Know what I need to feel sexually sated. Might not land quite at the same spot on the spectrum as you, but it's close, just so you don't think you're reading the words of a vanilla suburbanite who cuts a hole in the sheet before turning off the lights. I have no guilt about all this, no shame, but that wasn't always the case. When the guilt and shame were a bit dominant, I found I'd make some "compromises" that didn't quite work. Sad chapters, part of the journey. My girlfriend, for instance, meets my emotional and intellectual needs in a way I have never encountered in a woman. But she is my girlfriend because she meets the physical needs with the same intensity.

    So, what to do? Well, I think the way to make this better, since that's the path you're focused on, is to work on letting go of the importance of sex in this romance. People do this. Work on accepting that the way you've found sexual pleasure in the past is not going to exist inside this, and perhaps as you get cozy with that truth, instead of fighting it, you find a kind of pleasure, including sexually, that is powerful enough to commit to sustaining the relationship. Sure, there will be moments when things are hotter than not, which is just par for the course, no different than if he was a longstanding member the BDSM community. He's not. Your baseline with him is not going to be your baseline with someone in that camp.

    That said, if you were my close friend and I was giving you my most honest advice—well, yeah, I would say that this might not work. I would challenge you to at least consider that some of what fuels your bond—this idea of you atoning for some kind of sins—is limited for sustainability, and your current frustrations might be connected to learning that. I'd say that some of what you like sexually was "transferred," to use some psych 101 language, to your emotional dynamic—the one where he could bring out the "good girl" in you to atone for your "bad girl" past. There is a certain heat to that, and plenty of warmth, in ways that perhaps gave the illusion that all three pillars were there when they were not.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Have you looked at the type of porn that will show him what you like? Maybe he can watch, take an acting class and get you off after he learns how to fake it until he makes It/you?

    If you're so into staying with him in spite of the very incompatible sexual portion of your relationship (when sex clearly means so much to you) then maybe you could get some guidance on how to overcome your 'need' as much as he needs the guidance to overstep his own comfort zone for you. A compromise needs to be figured out here that you both can SETTLE for so that you don't end up in the future forsaking your own personal boundary of never cheating on him.

    I wish you good luck in coming to that compromise... otherwise, this relationship is doomed to be a failure even if you stay with him cuz he's such a great guy. Incompatible sexual styles gets pretty old, pretty fast when you have a daily dose of the difference.

    Actually, the emotional divide has started already:
    I think he feels bad that he cannot make me cum and it is driving a wedge between us.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by arynnlove
    Well, obviously this site sucks for advice on how to make that better. I specifically clarified how much I love him and wanted to work it out and everyone says just give up. I'll find a therapist. It occurred to me after I posted this that there are probably very few people who understand the alternative lifestyle on this site so if anyone else in my predicament comes across this take it with a grain of salt. I should try a BDSM board. Maybe it did help because being told to leave him made me even more determined to stay and all the reasons I should. I'm happy with him. This is not every aspect of our connection.
    Have you used advice forums much before? People here are just your average people, they are not qualified therapists. Usually when you ask for advice here, you are just getting people's opinions. They are not coming from a psychology perspective and not acting like a therapist that often will just nod and ask a lot of questions.

    Sorry but I will actually stand by what I said regarding pressuring someone to perform kinky acts and fetishes that they are not actually into. Don't you think that's wrong? As someone who is into kink, I'm sure the first thing you hear is that whatever you want to engage in has to be consensual and enjoyed by both parties. No problem whatever you're into, as long as it's not illegal. But you need to do those things with other people who enjoy them. The idea of sex is to be pleasurable and comfortable. If someone is doing things they don't actually like just to keep the relationship going, do you think that's comfortable?

    The reason why I suggested to leave your boyfriend is because sexual incompatibility is actually a serious issue. It's not minor. Some people don't have much of a sex drive, so maybe don't mind about sexual mismatch, but clearly YOU really value sex, so it's a big deal to you. So what if everything else is good in the relationship. Without sex that's a friendship? Many people are so suitable to us but without the intimacy working it's probably not meant to be a romantic relationship.

    And if your partner doesn't actually want to please you and only looks out for himself having an orgasm then no offence but that's selfish. I mean he could at least try to do things to you that are not just intercourse. It's not like he doesn't realise he's not getting you there. Unless you want to tell him directly what you want him to do to you and ask which of your kinks he genuinely enjoys, I don't see what you can actually do to fix it. I was not trying to be rude when I gave my advice. I was just trying to be realistic.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There are other bigger (much bigger) forums catered to this. Yes, this is the wrong one. If you're a camster though and looking for clientele on this website, you probably won't get many here to take the bait.

    It sounds like you are newly "liberated". Enjoy your freedom. Just don't burn out too fast.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That is a great idea.
    Originally Posted by arynnlove
    I should try a BDSM board.


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