Relationship Problems&Advice (Please Help?!)

[Jake7186]

Hi there,

Sorry about the long post! I wanted to explain my situation in good detail so you have an understanding of what’s going on for me. Any advice or suggestions or comments are genuinely really appreciated :)
Just also want to say that some of this post is of a sexual topic, nothing graphic of course, but a general FYI.

I have been in my current relationship for just shy of two years. Things are good; we work well together, having e similar interests, have a laugh and enjoy our time together. However the sex, or lack thereof, has really hurt our relationship and I’m really at my wits end with what to do.

When we first got together, things intimately were great. We were both starting to explore things, I was his first sexual partner, so we took things slow and he seemed to really like what we were doing. However, it really didn’t last very long, and I know that it’s more heated at the start of a relationship... but we’re both 20 and it was only after about 2 months...so really at this age, that shouldn’t be the case.

He started to reject me every time I tried to initiate anything. He stopped kissing me, didn’t want to hold my hand in public, and never ever shows me affection such as hugging me or kissing me, he just doesn’t. Intimacy quite quickly vanished from our relationship, he stopped making advances and stopped intimating anything... from kissing me to actual fun in the bedroom. The rejection continued for months, and really hurt my self esteem! It got so bad to the point where I couldn’t look in the mirror; the rejection and lack of any sort of affection kinda started to make me hate myself.

When I finally confronted him about it, he was genuinely very apologetic. He said he was sorry he hasn’t been the best boyfriend in a lot of ways, and that I mean everything to him, and he’ll fix it. However, nothing has changed; we’ve had this conversation quite a few times now, where I’ll tell him I’m on the verge of giving up, he’ll promise things will change, and nothing will be different.

We’ve been together for just shy of 2 years, and we’ve never had sex, or even come close. We haven’t been properly intimate together in months. It gets me so down, so so down, and it really hurts me. When I think of him now... I don’t think about what fun we could have... I just think about the months of rejections and how it seems like he’s clearly not attracted to me... even though he says he is.

Our relationship, minus this, is good! And I want to stress that, because this post does focus on the negative, but in general he is someone I can see myself being with. But this stuff really hurts me, and our relationship, and months and months of rejection followed by unfulfilled promises that things will change has made me bitter and hurtful. I don’t want to throw away a relationship that we’ve built together, but I don’t know if I can stay... feeling trapped in a sexless relationship in my 20’s... and I’m really stuck

Please help! Any advice is appreciated, and thanks for reading :)

[DancingFool]

You can see yourself with someone who hurts you, makes you feel incredibly bad and insecure about yourself and is otherwise not interested in sex ever????!!!!

The advice is simple really - should have dumped him when things started to go sour after the first couple of months. Why are you still wasting time and life with this guy two years down the road?

Look, healthy relationships are like a tripod - you need emotional connection, intellectual connection, and sexual connection. If any of the three are missing....it's not going to work.

What you have here isn't so much a relationship as just a platonic friend you do things with. Without sex, that's all you have. I know you are young, but it's time to figure this out and learn the difference between friendship, relationship, what is and isn't healthy and most importantly....how to let go when things aren't working. This "relationship" is so past its expiration date it's not even funny. Let go.

[smackie9]

You two a gay male couple?

[maew]

OP I hate to say it... his behavior comes across as a lukewarm interest in you :( Even for a sexually inexperienced person, if the chemistry and attraction was there he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of you.

The other possibility is that he has had a traumatic experience that inhibits him from being physical with you.

Either way... he clearly has no desire to change what he is doing with you. Do you really want to subject yourself to a lifetime without physical affection?

People can be nice people, that doesn't mean we are meant to be in a relationship with them.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband and I went at it like rabbits when we were dating. As soon as we got married it came to a screeching halt. His explanation? "Married people don't act like that." Um, thanks for letting me know ahead of time.

I really need sex with my partner.

Can you commit to 10 years or so of no sexual activity? How about a lifetime?

[MissCanuck]

Our relationship, minus this, is good! And I want to stress that, because this post does focus on the negative, but in general he is someone I can see myself being with. But this stuff really hurts me, and our relationship, and months and months of rejection followed by unfulfilled promises that things will change has made me bitter and hurtful. I don’t want to throw away a relationship that we’ve built together, but I don’t know if I can stay... feeling trapped in a sexless relationship in my 20’s... and I’m really stuck

Your relationship, minus this, is essentially a friendship.

A close friendship, yes. But please don't minimize the importance of intimacy on a level that is satisfying for both partners. You can see how much of a deal-breaker sexual incompatibility can be.

For clarity, are you also a man? Your username suggests you are, but I would like be sure. If so, and if this is his first sexual relationship at all, I have to wonder how comfortable he is with his own sexuality. This might be something he is struggling to accept about himself.

I will wait for clarification before I give further thoughts.

[Rose Mosse]

Is he out? (ie if you're a gay couple)

He might not want to engage in any PDA because he's not completely out. This person doesn't sound very confident in himself in general and, to me, appears like he has other issues ongoing that may not be related to the relationship. He doesn't seem very secure. Spend more time and learn more about each other. At two years you should know everything about each other. Are either of you working? School? Any discrimination in the workplace or at school? Family issues? Financial issues?

[Wiseman2]

Just end it. He just wants to be friends.

We’ve been together for just shy of 2 years, and we’ve never had sex, or even come close.
feeling trapped in a sexless relationship in my 20’s.

[ThatwasThen]

He sounds A-sexual. Anyway, bottom line is you are sorely incompatible in libidoes and it doesn't sound like its ever going to get better. So, I will suggest one more thing before you throw the towel in because you seem to be happy with him other than the lack of sexual/romantic intimacy... Will he go to a sex therapist with you to get the help of a professional to suss out why he has zero libido? If he will than try that with him before you end things. If he won't then just end it now because you're shredding your own heart by staying with him.

[Tinydance]

I was actually with someone for 1.5 years ago was asexual/not sexually into me? A bit of both? Lol So I can totally relate to you. Being sexually rejected definitely feels horrible and makes you feel unattractive and undesired to your partner. Have you tried to actually directly ask your boyfriend WHY he's not interested in having sex with you? Surely there must be a reason? I think you should ask him to be really honest with you and tell you the truth. It's hard to know why he doesn't want to have sex (could be many reasons). I think it's best if you ask him directly. However if you've barely had sex in two years I would say it's not going to get better. If he was interested in sex with you, he would be having it with you. Sorry to be blunt.