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my drama queen entitled crazy sister in law. please help!!!


himynameisslim

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Hi, I really need some objective advice and will try to keep this as short as possible.

 

My wife and I have been married since 2014 and ever since we tied the knot, her sister has gone ape sh*t. Case in point. She decided at the last minute to not be the maid of honor, to not attend my wife's bachelorette party and I was slightly worried she was going to ruin our wedding. Thank goodness she behaved normally at the wedding.

 

Anyways, a quick background of her. She's single and I don't think has ever had a boyfriend ever. She does have friends but in general has a hard time getting along with people, thus she has had a hard time holding down jobs in the past.

 

Now our lives are far from perfect but I clearly believe she's simply not happy with where she's at in life and is jealous, plain and simple. There may be some underlying mental issues but I cannot confirm nor deny those suspicions, though I know she's seeing a therapist I heard. Because she sees what my wife has (good solid job, husband, new house and kids), it angers her and she takes it out on her parents and now my wife!

 

A few years back, she insisted to cut off all contact for 2 years straight and wanted "space". her wish was granted but when Thanksgiving came rolling along, my in laws did not contact her out of respect. She then started acting like a child with threatening text messages stating that her parents are terrible people and even told them in a message to, "f#ck off".

 

Her parents do enable her and continue to give her money but she always plays the victim. Her parents as well as my wife are very passive whereas I'm the type to want to call her out on her bs. She was willing to go to family counseling but now her mom (my mom in law) does not want to due to probably being scared of her.

 

What in the heck do you I do? Most would say to stay the heck out of it but it's affecting my wife now. She's getting really bad anxiety attacks and cannot sleep due to extra stress put on by her sister. Her sister is an entitled brat who blames all her problems on everyone but herself.

 

Should I step in? If so how? What would you guys/gals do honestly? thanks.

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Distance yourself. If she comes over retreat somewhere or go out. Just be cordial and neutral. Keep discussion about her to a minimum with neutral "oh" answers then change the subject after a few minutes. Let your wife vent but Do Not Get Involved. She may be nuts, but your wife apparently likes to stay in touch and they are family. Stay out of the peripheral family dynamics.

 

If your wife is having anxiety attacks, she need to go to a doctor. But stop fueling the fire with your attitude toward her family/sister. Stop making your marriage all about whatever your obsession with this sister is. Marriage therapy would help you both tremendously. They will cover things like in-laws and boundaries, conflict resolution, etc.

Most would say to stay the heck out of it but it's affecting my wife now. She's getting really bad anxiety attacks and cannot sleep due to extra stress put on by her sister..

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You don't step in. You do tell your wife that you love her & that you support her. Assure her that it's OK for her to maintain her distance from her sister & love her from afar without getting sucked into the drama.

 

This.... I completely understand why you want to step in and protect your wife from all of this drama, however deep down I am sure you know it won't really fix anything and could potentially make things much worse.

 

Instead take care of your wife by letting her lean on you, by listening, by supporting her in her feelings, and by encouraging her to set boundaries.

 

Something that is typically for siblings/children/parents of people with substance use issues but that may help in this situation is attending a Codependents Anonymous meeting... support group like this will help her when it comes to setting boundaries and give her somewhere to vent with others that are going through the same thing. They are free and open for anyone to attend.

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Ummm yeah...

 

There’s something going on beneath the surface here.

 

Families have drama, it’s just part of life, your level of involvement and concern is more concerning to me than her actions.

 

So let’s delve into that, she’s going to be who she is and quite frankly has very little to do with you, yet here you are so my question is what’s going on with you? And how do you even know your sister in laws dating history etc.? If SHES the one jealous and bitter why do you have all this negative info about her? See how it’s not adding up.

 

Are you still bored in your marriage? Have things improved? Do you think maybe this sister drama is providing you and your wife the spice you crave?

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Your wife is probably very easy to pick on. Sorry to say that. Not everyone is mentally stable or not so dramatic. Some people are over the top. It's a talent learning to steer clear of such people. Both of you need to do more of that. Be more mature about everything and step aside from the ca ca on the street.

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Ummm yeah...

 

There’s something going on beneath the surface here.

 

Families have drama, it’s just part of life, your level of involvement and concern is more concerning to me than her actions.

 

So let’s delve into that, she’s going to be who she is and quite frankly has very little to do with you, yet here you are so my question is what’s going on with you? And how do you even know your sister in laws dating history etc.? If SHES the one jealous and bitter why do you have all this negative info about her? See how it’s not adding up.

 

Are you still bored in your marriage? Have things improved? Do you think maybe this sister drama is providing you and your wife the spice you crave?

 

Actually, nothing is going on with me other than this brat who runs her mouth left and right towards her own parents and to my wife. I do know her dating history; she's a miserable soul who takes zero ownership to anything. I have all this negative info b/c my wife has showed me all the text messages. That's easily adding up.

 

No, we're not bored with our marriage. You're really stretching there buddy. I do not like anyone including her disrespecting my wife, which is why I posted the question to see if and how much one is to get involved.

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Your wife is probably very easy to pick on. Sorry to say that. Not everyone is mentally stable or not so dramatic. Some people are over the top. It's a talent learning to steer clear of such people. Both of you need to do more of that. Be more mature about everything and step aside from the ca ca on the street.

 

true. everyone is trying to stay clear and it calms things down a bit but it's like the calm before the storm. something is bound to happen. it's just beyond annoying.

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Stop that. Say "oh" and don't even bother looking at it and change the subject. Do you really want your marriage to be about your sister in law? Oddly it sounds like you have a thing for her and somehow are very curious and way over-involved in her dating life. Why is that? Most men would dismiss this as sibling stuff and gossip. You seem to be obssessed with her.

I have all this negative info b/c my wife has showed me all the text messages
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Distance yourself. If she comes over retreat somewhere or go out. Just be cordial and neutral. Keep discussion about her to a minimum with neutral "oh" answers then change the subject after a few minutes. Let your wife vent but Do Not Get Involved. She may be nuts, but your wife apparently likes to stay in touch and they are family. Stay out of the peripheral family dynamics.

 

If your wife is having anxiety attacks, she need to go to a doctor. But stop fueling the fire with your attitude toward her family/sister. Stop making your marriage all about whatever your obsession with this sister is. Marriage therapy would help you both tremendously. They will cover things like in-laws and boundaries, conflict resolution, etc.

 

distancing is something that is a must I agree whole 100%. but no, I don't have an obsession over her sister. me getting sick and tired of her stupid games and how it affects my wife is the issue. she's just said some really mean and below the belt things that just pissed me off. normally, I just brush it off and ignore.

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this original thread is about my sister in law who's running her mouth, cussing people out, including her parents, myself and my wife. it's more of a sign that I'm fed up with her child like behavior and no one calling her out on her bs. humans are allowed to have feelings and reactions don't they?

 

You can speak to your wife about how your SIL's behavior upsets you & how awful you feel when the SIL upsets your wife. If the SIL is cursing at you or in your presence you can state that you will not tolerate such disrespect & remove yourself from the situation. Do tell your wife in advance that you plan to do this. Explain to your wife that don't want to add to her pain but you simply want peace. Then steer clear of the drama. Seek out peace & do not reward your SIL when she acts out.

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true. everyone is trying to stay clear and it calms things down a bit but it's like the calm before the storm. something is bound to happen. it's just beyond annoying.

 

Who cares? You're way too emotional. The "something is bound to happen" is negative thinking and sort of immature in and of itself. Let it all go and do your own thing. You are far too wrapped up and negative. I think a lot of this probably has a lot to do with your perception of events and what they mean to you.

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i had a friend who's sister didn't want to be MOH either in her wedding and showed up to the wedding last minute. her sister literally tried so hard to ruin what is such a special day. in fact, i think she is estranged from her sister now because the relationship got so toxic.

 

anyway, as her husband i would just focus on supporting your wife. you DO NOT need to get involved in the situation and bad mouth her sister. it's best to just be there for your wife. let her vent to you, be a shoulder to cry on, etc. i mean you're married to your wife and she comes with a crazed sister unfortunately, so it's better to stay out of her and her sister's relationship as well as the crazy sisters relationship with the parents.

 

if the crazy sister starts texting you and phoning you to start things with, i'd still remain neutral because it's your wifes family and your wife needs to be strong enough to stick up for herself and draw boundaries with toxic family members.

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I have a family member like this, so I completely understand your situation.

 

The only thing you can do is to adopt a "Gray Rock" mentality about it. Google it....it's how therapists often suggest one deals with difficult, or drama-creating people with whom they have to maintain some sort of contact. Basically, "gray rock" means that you treat every conversation or situation surrounding your SIL with the excitement of a gray rock.....blaaaah. In other words, she starts some dramatics about something, and you shrug and say, "I'm really enjoying this weather". "These potatoes are delicious". This way, you give her zero ammunition with which to continue her dramatics.

 

People who crave drama like her only do it because they are "allowed" to by the people they do it to. Your wife's parents enable her, not only financially, but emotionally as well, so she is "allowed" a space in which to play drama queen. Your wife does too, by accepting these texts from her about her love life, or whatever she decides to dump on your wife. That's your wife's prerogative, and since this bothers you, the only action for you is to simply ask your wife not to share these texts with you, nor any other information about her other than basic, boring, "gray" stuff.

 

My life surrounding my own family member is so much better because of this. I used to drive myself crazy over her hysterics, and then I realized....it makes me upset, and she gets what she wants: to drive someone else crazy. But by simply keeping conversations only to a conversational sort of professionalism, she doesn't "do" her dramatics with me anymore, as I simply don't participate.

 

You'll have to figure out why you allow this drama in your life. Think of all the other things you don't allow into your life, and why do you allow this to consume so much brain space? I'm not beating you up; I promise you. In my situation, this person has been part of our family for decades, and I used to expend so much energy talking about her, to anyone who would listen. These days, I can go weeks without even thinking of her. You'll have to figure out, for you, why you're allowing this to take up brain space.

 

An easy way to think of this is to treat your SIL as a professional, business acquaintance. Someone you don't know very well. How would you converse with them? Simple pleasantries, and then move on to the appetizers.

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I used to whine for hours to anyone who had the misfortune to be present about my brother's gold digging girlfriend (now wife). Then I realized 1) how insufferable I sounded and 2) that mysteriously, she makes my brother happy. So I butted out.

 

I don't much like her, but all I can say now is "he's happy and that's all that matters."

 

I like the "gray rock" approach. You can say "oh, sorry to hear that" when your wife shows you texts or complains about her sister. If she asks you why you're being so dismissive, tell her what you're doing, why and how. She may discover peace that way.

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It's not your place to step in.

 

Help your wife through it, support and help her, as for the sister, you can't and shouldn't do anything about it.

 

If your wife needs to stay away 100% from her sister, then she should. She's a grown woman. She doesn't need to keep getting caught up in the drama.

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i had a friend who's sister didn't want to be MOH either in her wedding and showed up to the wedding last minute. her sister literally tried so hard to ruin what is such a special day. in fact, i think she is estranged from her sister now because the relationship got so toxic.

 

anyway, as her husband i would just focus on supporting your wife. you DO NOT need to get involved in the situation and bad mouth her sister. it's best to just be there for your wife. let her vent to you, be a shoulder to cry on, etc. i mean you're married to your wife and she comes with a crazed sister unfortunately, so it's better to stay out of her and her sister's relationship as well as the crazy sisters relationship with the parents.

 

if the crazy sister starts texting you and phoning you to start things with, i'd still remain neutral because it's your wifes family and your wife needs to be strong enough to stick up for herself and draw boundaries with toxic family members.

 

makes sense. thanks

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I have a family member like this, so I completely understand your situation.

 

The only thing you can do is to adopt a "Gray Rock" mentality about it. Google it....it's how therapists often suggest one deals with difficult, or drama-creating people with whom they have to maintain some sort of contact. Basically, "gray rock" means that you treat every conversation or situation surrounding your SIL with the excitement of a gray rock.....blaaaah. In other words, she starts some dramatics about something, and you shrug and say, "I'm really enjoying this weather". "These potatoes are delicious". This way, you give her zero ammunition with which to continue her dramatics.

 

People who crave drama like her only do it because they are "allowed" to by the people they do it to. Your wife's parents enable her, not only financially, but emotionally as well, so she is "allowed" a space in which to play drama queen. Your wife does too, by accepting these texts from her about her love life, or whatever she decides to dump on your wife. That's your wife's prerogative, and since this bothers you, the only action for you is to simply ask your wife not to share these texts with you, nor any other information about her other than basic, boring, "gray" stuff.

 

My life surrounding my own family member is so much better because of this. I used to drive myself crazy over her hysterics, and then I realized....it makes me upset, and she gets what she wants: to drive someone else crazy. But by simply keeping conversations only to a conversational sort of professionalism, she doesn't "do" her dramatics with me anymore, as I simply don't participate.

 

You'll have to figure out why you allow this drama in your life. Think of all the other things you don't allow into your life, and why do you allow this to consume so much brain space? I'm not beating you up; I promise you. In my situation, this person has been part of our family for decades, and I used to expend so much energy talking about her, to anyone who would listen. These days, I can go weeks without even thinking of her. You'll have to figure out, for you, why you're allowing this to take up brain space.

 

An easy way to think of this is to treat your SIL as a professional, business acquaintance. Someone you don't know very well. How would you converse with them? Simple pleasantries, and then move on to the appetizers.

 

hi there. good advice.

 

to answer your question about why I'm allowing this into my brain space as you put it, it wasn't until literally recently that it bothered me more than usual. For years, I just ignored it completely. So what set me off?? My wife began crying and it really angered me. I am protective and rightfully so. I am her freaking husband and will do anything to protect her and my child. That is why I posted in the first place. So yes, I've allowed her behavior to affect me, I'm only human. I just want to make it right but wasn't sure how to go about it. thanks

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hi there. good advice.

 

to answer your question about why I'm allowing this into my brain space as you put it, it wasn't until literally recently that it bothered me more than usual. For years, I just ignored it completely. So what set me off?? My wife began crying and it really angered me. I am protective and rightfully so. I am her freaking husband and will do anything to protect her and my child. That is why I posted in the first place. So yes, I've allowed her behavior to affect me, I'm only human. I just want to make it right but wasn't sure how to go about it. thanks

 

This makes sense. It's natural that you don't want to see your wife being hurt by her own sister.

 

Remember, they have a lifetime of sibling rivalry to contend with. Two children from the exact same parents can have very different experiences, very different personalities, very different lives.

 

So my advice to you is to just be there to listen to your wife, be a shoulder for her to cry on, but other than that, stay as out of it as you can.

 

In my family situation, we've all learned to tiptoe around the difficult person; we've all instinctively "gray rocked" her. So over the years, no one is close to her, except the one family member to whom she is married, and even then......In any event, I feel sorry for her, as she's isolated herself with all her hysterics. In time, I think if you can do this, you'll be able to pull back and see the forest for the trees, and you can watch this SIL from afar. I have a hunch she'll go down much the same path as my family member, as this type of behavior isolates.

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Actually, nothing is going on with me other than this brat who runs her mouth left and right towards her own parents and to my wife. I do know her dating history; she's a miserable soul who takes zero ownership to anything. I have all this negative info b/c my wife has showed me all the text messages. That's easily adding up.

 

No, we're not bored with our marriage. You're really stretching there buddy. I do not like anyone including her disrespecting my wife, which is why I posted the question to see if and how much one is to get involved.

 

I'm finding myself thinking about her more and more and the other weird thing is that objectively speaking, I'd say if you were to ask 10 random guys who's hotter, at least 7 or 8 out of 10 would probably say my wife is hotter and I objectively agree. My wife is also 12 plus years younger than my co worker; my co worker is I believe 9-10 years my senior. But for whatever frustrating reason, her aura or whatever you want to call it sucks me right in and it sucks.

 

I also feel guilty and rightfully so. My marriage is pretty good; probably better than most. No issues in my marriage. We still have regular sex, no financial problems, nada. No red flags at all. I guess I've always been the "grass is always greener" type of guy and I hate routine and I guess our marriage, though solid, can get bland over time.

 

Has anyone experienced this intense type of crush before? And btw, I'm not a little teen either. I have plenty of experience in relationships to know that I am putting this woman on a pedestal; I completely get that. But it's just taking me for a loop .

 

So this isn’t you?

 

Look I’m not trying to be an ass, believe it or not, Im truly not, I recognize you probably don’t recognize how well silly you’re being about all this, but realistically if you’re this worked up because she made your wife cry, well how did you wife feel when you revealed all the above? Or did you keep all this a secret? Interesting if you did but I digress.

 

She’s a grown woman, she doesn’t need a body guard, you’re her husband. The reality that neither one of you seem to want to face is, it’s completely a grown adults choice who they interact with, you both CHOOSE to be active participants in the childish texting drama.

 

The solution is disengage, not dig in more with the drama, realistically what would you even do? Fight her? Come on all you could do is argue back, big whoop, just more drama...

 

Again not trying to be rude, trying to be the adult voice of reason here. Stop the drama.

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Has your wife thought about getting into therapy on her own? She has anxiety and panic attacks now (which she needs to address with the help of a professional) because of this and a therapist will help her to set up and maintain boundaries with her family and to garner the strength and confidence to keep herself out of and away from the drama that is her sister.

 

Your wife needs to take care of herself and her own immediate family (you and your kids) and she needs the strength and confidence to explain to her parents that she wants nothing further to do with any of the drama and to tell them to stop including her in on said drama. PERIOD!

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