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Thread: my drama queen entitled crazy sister in law. please help!!!

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    i had a friend who's sister didn't want to be MOH either in her wedding and showed up to the wedding last minute. her sister literally tried so hard to ruin what is such a special day. in fact, i think she is estranged from her sister now because the relationship got so toxic.

    anyway, as her husband i would just focus on supporting your wife. you DO NOT need to get involved in the situation and bad mouth her sister. it's best to just be there for your wife. let her vent to you, be a shoulder to cry on, etc. i mean you're married to your wife and she comes with a crazed sister unfortunately, so it's better to stay out of her and her sister's relationship as well as the crazy sisters relationship with the parents.

    if the crazy sister starts texting you and phoning you to start things with, i'd still remain neutral because it's your wifes family and your wife needs to be strong enough to stick up for herself and draw boundaries with toxic family members.
    makes sense. thanks

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I have a family member like this, so I completely understand your situation.

    The only thing you can do is to adopt a "Gray Rock" mentality about it. Google it....it's how therapists often suggest one deals with difficult, or drama-creating people with whom they have to maintain some sort of contact. Basically, "gray rock" means that you treat every conversation or situation surrounding your SIL with the excitement of a gray rock.....blaaaah. In other words, she starts some dramatics about something, and you shrug and say, "I'm really enjoying this weather". "These potatoes are delicious". This way, you give her zero ammunition with which to continue her dramatics.

    People who crave drama like her only do it because they are "allowed" to by the people they do it to. Your wife's parents enable her, not only financially, but emotionally as well, so she is "allowed" a space in which to play drama queen. Your wife does too, by accepting these texts from her about her love life, or whatever she decides to dump on your wife. That's your wife's prerogative, and since this bothers you, the only action for you is to simply ask your wife not to share these texts with you, nor any other information about her other than basic, boring, "gray" stuff.

    My life surrounding my own family member is so much better because of this. I used to drive myself crazy over her hysterics, and then I realized....it makes me upset, and she gets what she wants: to drive someone else crazy. But by simply keeping conversations only to a conversational sort of professionalism, she doesn't "do" her dramatics with me anymore, as I simply don't participate.

    You'll have to figure out why you allow this drama in your life. Think of all the other things you don't allow into your life, and why do you allow this to consume so much brain space? I'm not beating you up; I promise you. In my situation, this person has been part of our family for decades, and I used to expend so much energy talking about her, to anyone who would listen. These days, I can go weeks without even thinking of her. You'll have to figure out, for you, why you're allowing this to take up brain space.

    An easy way to think of this is to treat your SIL as a professional, business acquaintance. Someone you don't know very well. How would you converse with them? Simple pleasantries, and then move on to the appetizers.
    hi there. good advice.

    to answer your question about why I'm allowing this into my brain space as you put it, it wasn't until literally recently that it bothered me more than usual. For years, I just ignored it completely. So what set me off?? My wife began crying and it really angered me. I am protective and rightfully so. I am her freaking husband and will do anything to protect her and my child. That is why I posted in the first place. So yes, I've allowed her behavior to affect me, I'm only human. I just want to make it right but wasn't sure how to go about it. thanks

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by himynameisslim
    hi there. good advice.

    to answer your question about why I'm allowing this into my brain space as you put it, it wasn't until literally recently that it bothered me more than usual. For years, I just ignored it completely. So what set me off?? My wife began crying and it really angered me. I am protective and rightfully so. I am her freaking husband and will do anything to protect her and my child. That is why I posted in the first place. So yes, I've allowed her behavior to affect me, I'm only human. I just want to make it right but wasn't sure how to go about it. thanks
    This makes sense. It's natural that you don't want to see your wife being hurt by her own sister.

    Remember, they have a lifetime of sibling rivalry to contend with. Two children from the exact same parents can have very different experiences, very different personalities, very different lives.

    So my advice to you is to just be there to listen to your wife, be a shoulder for her to cry on, but other than that, stay as out of it as you can.

    In my family situation, we've all learned to tiptoe around the difficult person; we've all instinctively "gray rocked" her. So over the years, no one is close to her, except the one family member to whom she is married, and even then......In any event, I feel sorry for her, as she's isolated herself with all her hysterics. In time, I think if you can do this, you'll be able to pull back and see the forest for the trees, and you can watch this SIL from afar. I have a hunch she'll go down much the same path as my family member, as this type of behavior isolates.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by himynameisslim
    Actually, nothing is going on with me other than this brat who runs her mouth left and right towards her own parents and to my wife. I do know her dating history; she's a miserable soul who takes zero ownership to anything. I have all this negative info b/c my wife has showed me all the text messages. That's easily adding up.

    No, we're not bored with our marriage. You're really stretching there buddy. I do not like anyone including her disrespecting my wife, which is why I posted the question to see if and how much one is to get involved.
    Originally Posted by himynameisslim
    I'm finding myself thinking about her more and more and the other weird thing is that objectively speaking, I'd say if you were to ask 10 random guys who's hotter, at least 7 or 8 out of 10 would probably say my wife is hotter and I objectively agree. My wife is also 12 plus years younger than my co worker; my co worker is I believe 9-10 years my senior. But for whatever frustrating reason, her aura or whatever you want to call it sucks me right in and it sucks.

    I also feel guilty and rightfully so. My marriage is pretty good; probably better than most. No issues in my marriage. We still have regular sex, no financial problems, nada. No red flags at all. I guess I've always been the "grass is always greener" type of guy and I hate routine and I guess our marriage, though solid, can get bland over time.

    Has anyone experienced this intense type of crush before? And btw, I'm not a little teen either. I have plenty of experience in relationships to know that I am putting this woman on a pedestal; I completely get that. But it's just taking me for a loop .
    So this isnít you?

    Look Iím not trying to be an ass, believe it or not, Im truly not, I recognize you probably donít recognize how well silly youíre being about all this, but realistically if youíre this worked up because she made your wife cry, well how did you wife feel when you revealed all the above? Or did you keep all this a secret? Interesting if you did but I digress.

    Sheís a grown woman, she doesnít need a body guard, youíre her husband. The reality that neither one of you seem to want to face is, itís completely a grown adults choice who they interact with, you both CHOOSE to be active participants in the childish texting drama.

    The solution is disengage, not dig in more with the drama, realistically what would you even do? Fight her? Come on all you could do is argue back, big whoop, just more drama...

    Again not trying to be rude, trying to be the adult voice of reason here. Stop the drama.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Has your wife thought about getting into therapy on her own? She has anxiety and panic attacks now (which she needs to address with the help of a professional) because of this and a therapist will help her to set up and maintain boundaries with her family and to garner the strength and confidence to keep herself out of and away from the drama that is her sister.

    Your wife needs to take care of herself and her own immediate family (you and your kids) and she needs the strength and confidence to explain to her parents that she wants nothing further to do with any of the drama and to tell them to stop including her in on said drama. PERIOD!

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    No, don't step in. BOTH of you need to exit this toxic, dysfunctional relationship with your SIL (sister-in-law). This is what enforcing healthy boundaries are.

    I've been married a long time and have decades worth of experience dealing with in-laws and siblings.

    It's best for BOTH of you to back off and leave your SIL alone. Don't engage. You can't deal with stupidity. You're the ones who have to hang tough and stay out of it. Don't get involved. Encourage your wife to do the same and give your SIL a wide berth.

    Whenever I've had very strong disagreements with either stubborn people or people who simply "don't get it," fail to comprehend or those with non-existent emotional intelligence (EQ), I simply allow them to live their own lives while I quietly enjoy my own life. You need to realize what healthy division is.

    I no longer fight, argue nor bicker. I simply learn to walk away from it all. I don't deal. You can't deal with idiots. You'll never be able to get through to them. Both of you will never be on the same wavelength so give up because it's so much easier! I only wish I knew this earlier. I could've saved myself a lot of grief.

    Don't lower yourself by trying to reason with the unreasonable. It's senseless. Persuade your wife to change the way she thinks. Once both of you see the light turn on, you'll take the easy route and go your own way in life. I'm doing this now and it feels like RELIEF.

    Do nothing. Don't react to your SIL anymore and same with your wife. It requires the least amount of energy yet has the most powerful positive impact and results for you and your wife.

  8. #27
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    Family diplomacy.... oh boy. What experience has taught me is that a diplomatic response generally triumphs any alternative. Talk about safe topics such as the weather, be courteous and avoid interacting with her or even talking about her whenever possible.

    It is your wife's responsibility to assert herself with her sister.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by himynameisslim
    Should I step in? If so how? What would you guys/gals do honestly? thanks.
    I'd first decide exactly what 'stepping in' means. I'd come up with each scenario I can think of, then I'd play it out to see potential consequences. If I can come up with one action that wouldn't end up feeding the beast, there's my answer.

    For instance, say I want to contact SIL and tell her that I see through her BS. So I feel better for the few seconds that took, but then, what happens after that?

    Do you believe that SIL will respond to your charm by folding up all bad behaviors and apologize to her sister and parents? Or do you believe that she will respond to your poke by escalating?

    Your answers are as good as ours.

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