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Thread: More dating advice

  1. #1
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    More dating advice

    I never followed up on my previous post. For anyone who was following it: i was definitely obsessed with an idea and the loss of good feelings for me. Makes me wonder about my question today 😜.

    Matched with a woman, texted for about a week (a lot) until I returned from vacation. Went on 3 dates in about 10 days. All lasted a long time - lots of convo and even her giving many indications she's super interested. Even saying she's really happy we got together.
    She then went out of town and got very busy but still kept up with talking now and then. Sent a text last week wishing her luck on a big test, still responsive. Asked how it went after bit no response. No biggie. Sent another asking how things are going a couple days ago, still nothing.

    Based on how things have developed this is quite literally 100 to 0. There was no slow fade.

    I feel most answers will say back off, keep dating, and wait to hear. Maybe follow up in a couple weeks if I don't hear anything.

    However, even given my disclaimer above, I'd like to ask her out for this weekend and let her know I've enjoyed her company more than eith anyone in a long time. (It's true!) and if she's not interested, cool.

    Oh, she also had "looking for something casual" in her profile. How casual is casual? Literally it has been just hot for 3 weeks straight.

    I've been dating a lot a lot, still am, and would just like to know..not play any games and somehow convey that I'm not trying to pressure or put more weight on things. Or does simply asking put more weight on it?

    Why it so difficult??? Cause it's not meant to be, ha.

    Thanks guys

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Casual means it's casual in the sense that there are no heavy explanations required if things fizzle out and it also means that if things do lapse or there's a period in time when things are not as communicative or you don't see each other much it shouldn't be a big deal. If this isn't the set up you are looking for, casual is not for you. What you're looking for is a more steady connection with all the signs and foundations of long term commitment.

    It's only difficult if you're not reading the situation correctly or if you don't know what you want.

  3. #3
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    I guess I want more than casual then. But even in a casual setting is it too much to ask for a response?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think the polite thing to do is respond but if that person does not want to, there is no obligation to. She may have done poorly as a result of being distracted dating and her results are reflecting a poor choice in time spent. This might have very little to do with you as a person/your charisma and also how much a time or availability a person has in their life.

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  6. #5
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    Didn't think of that. Hopefully I didn't distract in a bad way 🤷🏽♂️. Will never know.
    So waiting it out it is, I suppose.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What a perfect description of "casual" from Rose.

    To answer your question about it being "too much" to ask for a response—well, yes and no. "No" meaning it's not "too much" to want or expect a response, as it's the decent human thing, but "yes" meaning it's too much to keep pressing in order to get a response. You can't extract your terms of decency from someone who has different terms.

    You say there was "no slow fade," yet what you're describing this past week is the very definition of a slow fade. You wrote her three times and she did not respond. That is, in ways, a very clear response: not the most graceful, but it's very clear information.

    The "casual" response to all that is to basically not really care—which is not for everyone. Sounds, as Rose said, that you're looking for something different. I say keep celebrating that in yourself, and look for someone on the same page, rather than try to extract something from this (or out of yourself) that's not actually there to be extracted.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Let her be, I think. She might come around later. I wouldn't wait around for her. Her profile seemed clear enough. It's up to you to know what you're looking for. Now you know what casual means, you are hopefully more able to discern differences between yourself and others. The worst thing you can do is ignore what another person is. Be very frank with yourself. Enjoy meeting new people.

  9. #8
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    Mm I'm labeling it as a ghost starting last week!

    And yeah, getting more perspective on what casual means is helpful.

    She knows I'm interested and will reach out if she is, too. Can't really see the benefit I'm following up AGAIN

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I mean, you can label it however you'd like. Personally, I think reaching for the "ghost" label is a bit much. Save that, maybe, for the woman you're sleeping with for two months who then goes completely dark. This is a woman you've met three times who is just being "casual," but who was up front, in her profile, about being in exactly that headspace. Maybe she comes around, maybe she doesn't—all good. That is "something casual," which is exactly how she advertised herself.

    If the bottle says "Pepsi," but what you want is "Pinot Noir," you can't change the contents by furiously sipping, you know? You put down the soft drink and head to the wine shop, where there is a whole aisle dedicated only to various Pinot Noirs.

  11. #10
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    I agree with the others. And I wouldn't think of it as "waiting" for a response. Nothing to wait for. Unless there's a time/date place planned there is no next date. Nothing to wait for. If she wants to see you again she'll reach out and at that time you can decide whether you're interested in a casual dating arrangement with her.

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