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Thread: Shock from being ghosted

  1. #1
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    Shock from being ghosted

    Greetings once again enotaloners

    Didnt think I would be back here so soon as things (relationship wise) have been going really well till recently:(

    Been in a recent relationship for about 2 months now. During the first month, we spent most weekends together but we would at least spend 1 day together out of every week. In the second month I was sent to another state for work (but only for a month) and we would communicate via video call (1 - 2 hours) almost every day.

    My gf (probably ex now) has introduced me to her older brother (who is basically her father figure) and her best friend. They both like me and I like them. Iv introduced her to a few of my close friends I mean i thought things were serious. I used to sleep over at her flat, which she says, never happens with any guy. I could tell that she really liked me and I do really like her.

    3 weeks ago I was sent to another state for a project but as previously stated we kept communication on a daily basis and we had no issues. WE used to tell each other how much we missed each other etc. I planned to fly her over this past weekend however her brother suggested to her that it is not a good idea and we both respected that decision.

    Even with the physical distance this past 3 weeks we have been getting closer emotionally. She even once posted a whatsapp status saying "can we skip the getting to know each other part and get to the point where you cant live without me". Anyway didnt take that to mind too much, just mentioning it.

    From last week around Wednesday morning I noticed that she was starting to get moody towards me. Didnt take that too much to heart as she told me on Tuesday that she was on her periods so I thought its the whole post/pre menstrual thing. The moodiness continued to Thursday night when she actually video called me. We had a deep chat that thursday night about vulnerability and being able to make yourself vulnerable. I shared an article about emotional vulnerability with her and we discussed our feelings around it. I thought it was a good convo initially.

    She told me during the convo that one has to be very careful who they choose to be vulnerable to and that she struggles to express any negative feelings she has because it makes her feel like shes been taken for a ride. E.g. if I hurt her she will struggle to tell me. She said she realises that she over reacts as well and is working on these things. I told her vulnerability is hard but very powerful in any relationship. Towards the end of the convo I was like anyway lets change the topic (as it was getting serious) and she agree. I asked her what she would like to talk about and shes like: "nothing, good night" I said good night and she ended the call. That was a bad ending to the call. I greeted her in the morning she greeted back asked her if she managed to submit her assignment on time she replied "obviously" and I said great and ended the chat there. Obviously that was a rude response from her (unlike her) but I just thought she just going through something. Later that night I discovered that she blocked me (whatsapp).

    Ok i was obviously quite confused, shocked and disappointed but i kept composed. I didnt try to contact her for about 2 days after she blocked me. Last night I tried to call her but discovered that my phone calls are also blocked.

    I know most ghosting cases are due to someone maybe finding someone new. It could be but in this case i highly doubt it.

    There are ways I can contact her: I can get into contact with her by calling her with another phone. I can also call her best friend and ask if shes ok and maybe ask if she knows why she would block me. (me and her best friend are on talking terms )

    My question is should I even make that effort? I am willing to fight for her. What does the community suggest I do?

    P.S. She has disclosed to me that she has been in a really hurtful on/off relation ship for about 2 years and shes adamant that earlier this year (March or so) she realised that she was finally completely over the guy. The guy would call her or try and see her and she would not feel anything anymore. However maybe the insecurities/damage is probably still there.

  2. #2
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    Don't call her best friend. You two have only dated two months; it's too invasive to go to her friends. It sucks, but you can't fight for someone if they've already left the ring. The same goes for calling from another phone. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to hear from you right now. Tracking her down anyway is not going to help matters, though I understand you want answers.

    I am curious, why did her older brother not think it was a good idea for you to fly to her this past weekend? Why does he call the shots in her life? How old is she?

  3. #3
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    I am 26 shes 22. She would have to make the trip alone, over a very long distance. The brother does not know me too well. basically safety concern which i do respect and understand...

    Also is it not acceptable for me to seek answers ?

  4. #4
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    It is not unacceptable. But it is a waste of time.

    If she is ghosting you, the chances are:

    1) She is not over her ex and he came back.
    2) She found somebody else.
    3) She is just not into you anymore.
    4) She is too unstable to maintain a relationship.

    In all those scenarios, it is a waste of time. I know you are hoping to find out that she isn't seeing anyone else, that she's just damaged from her previous relationship and that you could mend her and be with her again if you just work together... but if she is that broken, she is not ready for a relationship.

    So yes, just let her go, move on, it has only been two months, you have not lost much.

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  6. #5
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    I hear you but is it really a waste of time to find out? I think its an opportunity to learn something new a new lesson e.g. if she says shes found someone else the next time this happens to me or someone else Ill have a bit more information about such a scenario than if i dont try and find out. Thats my thinking...?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by TheG
    I hear you but is it really a waste of time to find out? I think its an opportunity to learn something new a new lesson e.g. if she says shes found someone else the next time this happens to me or someone else Ill have a bit more information about such a scenario than if i dont try and find out. Thats my thinking...?
    OP, understand that if she just up and ghosted you, you are unlikely to get the truth of her or anyone close to her.

    She is obviously not being transparent with you, and doesn't have the stones to tell you what really happened - trying to get the real truth from her is likely going to be wasted time and effort on your part.

  8. #7
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    youve got a point... been thinking about it after these responses and I think Ill just move on without saying anything .

    Iv just been reflecting and alot of the relationships Iv been involved with the same pattern. In my life Iv dated 4 women. The first one (from about 3 years ago) asked for us to chill earlier this year, the second ex cried on the phone asking me back, the 3rd ex sent me a text earlier this year to give our love another chance.

    My women selection needs work i guess

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this. Being ghosted like this just sucks.

    The only silver lining to it—the lesson to learn, since you like thinking along those lines—is that it immediately teaches you that someone you thought was worth your time is really, really not worth your time. And if you can make that the lesson you learn from this you may find your "women selection" radar improves.

  10. #9
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    thanks for the encouragement bro!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I think of the first few months of any relationship—the first 6, let's say—as a period where you're both in it and observing it, to see if you two are really compatible. Part of what you're observing is someone's character, how they handle their feelings, how they handle conflict. Someone who ghosts? That is just a wanton display of very weak character and emotional instability—very bad signs that will only get worse if you could somehow find a way to get them to "un-ghost" you. If this is how she handles emotions when the stakes are this low just imagine how she'd handle them down the line.

    In a way, I'd see the ghosting as basically an extension of her gooey WhatsApp status update: a volatile emotional pendulum that has not found its center. Sure, that update was more soothing to the ego than this juncture, but it too felt a little weird—and with reason. It was a little weird. Subtext: let's skip the very best part of dating, the most critical stage of all, and cut straight to the fantasy of relationships that does not exist in reality. Pure turbulence, all that. A jagged, shallow approach to wading into the emotional depths that does no one any favors.

    Sorry again. Can't say anything to sugarcoat the suckiness of it all. But you can dust off from this, and dusting off, rather than finding ways to stay in it, is going to serve you much, much better in the long run.

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