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Thread: Shock from being ghosted

  1. #71
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Just food for thought: an intimate connection that feels like a battle to maintain or a carrot on a stick, or that’s built by confessions of intimacy issues from the get go, is sometimes a kind of intimacy that just fuels the very issues you’re hoping it will erase.
    Requoting myself here. Do me a favor and read that above sentence ten times, slowly, before reading on.

    You back? Dude—dude. This is just a mess—all ego, no heart. You're all about being "vulnerable" when she blocks? Please. That's easy. What masturbation is to sex is what your brand of vulnerability is to real vulnerability.

    You know, deep in your core, that there is nothing here. And that is why you're all gung-ho on making it into something. This is the playacting version of intimacy and in her you've found a perfect cast mate. All she's giving you are signs of someone who doesn't want to be intimate with you, which you're hellbent on reading as intimacy.

    Skip that. Or stop that. Enough with that.

    You ain't gonna fix those intimacy issues by trying to be intimate with someone who doesn't want to be intimate with you. Blocking and unblocking is not intimacy. Gauzy little posts on social media is not intimacy. A game of push-pull around hollow core is not intimacy.

    It's two people masturbating, in close proximity, and mistaking it for sex. It is mutual issues with intimacy braiding up and magnifying those issues.

  2. #72
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    Originally Posted by TheG
    Thus putting all these together I think she doesnt feel my love and this has happened with an ex of mine. My ex broke things off (the first time because she said that she doesnt think I can give her what she needs)
    Nah. She's just immature and attention-seeking.

    Proceed if you want, but understand you're never going to get much a relationship with this girl. She's going to keep playing games until she meets a new guy. Then you'll be dropped like yesterday's news.

  3. #73
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    She's going to keep playing games until she meets a new guy. Then you'll be dropped like yesterday's news.
    Which, let's just be real, is also your story. You hit up an old fling for distraction, which means your door is probably wide open for a new fling. Should something with the right shine cross your viewfinder, and stay still for a minute, I think your interest in decoding her blocking and unblocking would evaporate in about 20 minutes.

    Which, hey, all good. But...

    If what you want is more than a fling, or more than things that feel fling-like, it's advisable to cut out the nonsense so the real stuff has a way in. And that, my friend, is generally how we go about solving intimacy issues—not through cursory intimacy with others but through getting a little more intimate with ourselves.

  4. #74
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Which, let's just be real, is also your story. You hit up an old fling for distraction, which means your door is probably wide open for a new fling. Should something with the right shine cross your viewfinder, and stay still for a minute, I think your interest in decoding her blocking and unblocking would evaporate in about 20 minutes.

    Which, hey, all good. But...

    If what you want is more than a fling, or more than things that feel fling-like, it's advisable to cut out the nonsense so the real stuff has a way in. And that, my friend, is generally how we go about solving intimacy issues—not through cursory intimacy with others but through getting a little more intimate with ourselves.
    After I broke up with my ex, 1 got into a fling (same fling whos in this story) 2 months later...but then decided not to date for about 8 months due to working on myself and my intimacy issues. I would say Im getting better, I was much worse controlling, insecure etc. After the 8 months I felt I was ready for something serious again and I just happened to meet Angelina. I had no issues until I left town. Are you telling me Iv given this relationship a fair chance by accepting everything thats happening when we are not in person? Are you suggesting I stay single for another while?

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  6. #75
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't think you need to be single for a while. At some point, though, you'll have to see what's what here. You started this thread almost a month ago, about someone you'd only been involved with for two months. So this is three months total, more or less, with one of them spent like this: ghosted, half-ghosted, blocked, unblocked, and you obsessing over all that like it's...something.

    I get it. Well, sort of. I get that people can get under our skin and that it can really sting when they pull a 180. I have certainly spent a month or so of my life ruminating about a woman who 180'ed on me after 2 months. What I don't get is finding any of this interesting enough to engage with. At this point, I think the Angelia you are engaging with and hung up on is just an idea in your head—partly an idea fueled by how things were for what amounts to five minutes in your life story, and partly (big part) a idea about who you want to be, in some larger sense, when it comes to women and relationships.

    Thing is, you can turn her into a kind of vessel for self-growth, as you're doing, but that doesn't negate who she is: young woman, flighty, who has given you every sign you need to know there's nothing here. Per this being a way to work on those intimacy issues, it would be like me working on my "unemployment issues" by laying around in my house all day but in a business suit instead of sweatpants. Maybe I "feel" like I'm more professional, but I ain't getting any closer to getting a job. No, I'm getting more unemployed.

    You can't give a "fair chance" to something that doesn't exist, so what you are calling a "fair chance" I call chasing a ghost—a chase prompted by the heart and loins, at least a bit, but really prompted by some story of who you want to be and the generic butt hurt we all feel when north turns to south.

    So if you want to date—well, then date. Date people who are available and interested in dating you, for real. She is not such a person. And as long as you remain a person not only hung up on, but also pursuing, someone who is not interested in dating you then you will be a person that genuinely available people don't want to get near.

  7. #76
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    Thing is, you can turn her into a kind of vessel for self-growth, as you're doing, but that doesn't negate who she is: young woman, flighty, who has given you every sign you need to know there's nothing here. Per this being a way to work on those intimacy issues, it would be like me working on my "unemployment issues" by laying around in my house all day but in a business suit instead of sweatpants. Maybe I "feel" like I'm more professional, but I ain't getting any closer to getting a job. No, I'm getting more unemployed.
    Starting to realise this now. All you have said is making a lot of sense. I have been thinking about this since we finally had the long awaited meeting...

  8. #77
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    So the long awaited meeting finally happened this weekend. I wont go straight to the point as I would just like to put everything into context...

    Fisrt of all thanks for you guys for sticking with my story for the last month or so!!

    So we were initially supposed to meet on Friday but I got no call from Angelina. On Sunday on my way back home (She stays along the way from were I was on Saturday to where I stay full time). I decided to pass by her place to sort this thing out once and for all. Since I was still blocked I ask her friend to let her know that Im outside her place. Angelina immediately unblocked me and sent me a message that apparently Im outside her place, shes still not back but she is coming back later. Then I told her I will wait for her. I went to a friends place nearby and chilled there with him until she sent me a message telling me I should come to a nearby restaurant shes there with her friend.

    I joined them and as soon as I was done greeting I tried to go straight to the point. Asked her why she just blocked me from nowhere and she asked if we can talk about that later cause I had just arrived and she felt that we needed to ease into that convo. So after about 30 mins of the 3 of us talking about random things (was a bit awkward cause we all knew there was an elephant in the room), the friend went to the toilet and I then went into that conversation again. This is what she said:

    She just didnt feel that were compatible. I asked her why she felt we are incompatible and she basically just named some instances were I said things she didnt like. I was suprised by alot of them because there was never a sign that she didnt like what I said. I told her that there will always be things that we do that one doesnt like but you have to communicate. Something we both agreed she struggles to do. In some instances she took some of the things Iv said during the relationship completely differently from how I meant them, and most if not all were over phone or text. So what I would honestly say is that she saw me as someone that I dont think I am based on how she interpreted some things I would say. After I explained why i said some of the things and their context, she seemed to have some realizations herself. I did call her out on the ghosting issue and she did ultimatley see that it wasnt the way to go

    After the conversation (which we ended up having to go outside the restaurant to complete) I asked her if she feels we should just end things and stop talking? She said, well, if thats what I want. I said she know s what Id like and she said then lets keep talking. I then asked her in what capacity friends or what ? She said she deosnt know... we will see how things progress from here. I asked her what are the boundaries between us now and she said its a free road...

    On my drive home after this convo I was left really confused of how I would personally move forward from this whole situation. In the short term I dont think we will work out. I am unblocked now but I dont even know what to say. Havent greeted her since the convo, not out of spite, just out of not knowing what to say. Im planning to take many steps back ; just talk to her when its necessary. If it fizzles out, its ok. If it works out...it works out

  9. #78
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What you just described—and have been describing—is basically the textbook definition of something that has already fizzled out. I know that's not fun to accept, but I think you're in for some serous fun if you can accept it.

    Try to look at the facts here. She is wishy-washy, to put it generously, about even wanting to see you. You show up to another little ghosting session, have to essentially loiter around her house. Loitering gets you in a restaurant with her, where she doesn't really even want to talk to you about what you want to talk about. And when she does? She tells you she doesn't feel you're compatible. That, right there, should be all anyone who wants to be in a relationship needs to hear to know this is not the person for them. Done. End scene.

    Furthermore? The little offerings she gives you describes a man you don't think you are. Because you're not. Still, she sees what she sees, and that's who you are to her. You want to be with someone who sees you more or less as you see yourself. It shouldn't feel like a fight, with stock phrases ("We just need to communicate better") being tossed in there to make a fight feel like a functional relationship. That's all basically playacting, saying certain things you want out of life and love—connection, communication—to someone who doesn't have those things in them, who doesn't see you in remotely the way you want to be seen.

    You know why you don't know what to say right now? It's because, being blunt, there is nothing left to say. You've nibbled every piece of meat off the bone, and if you're going to keep focusing on being "unblocked" as something to nibble on—well, that's just tugging at the weird little gristle we chew on when we're really hungry. It's something, sure, but it's not satisfying. Ever show up to watch the game and snack on the wings but they're all eaten, so you sort of shuffle around the plate looking for something? This is the romantic equivalent of that football party. Meanwhile, on the TV, the game is long over. The room is empty.

    Keep holding on, if you want. That is a lot of ego getting in the way of your heart. Be humble, take this loss, let it go, and you will be a man with real heart. A woman will see that, in time, and you'll light each other up something fierce, in a way where the notifications on your phone aren't the little dregs of sunlight you're holding onto to find warmth and comfort.

  10. #79
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    That is what she needed to say in person and not over the phone?

    This girl behaves like a teenager. Dramatic. Self-important. Emotionally immature.

    Don't waste any more time on her. Raise your standards, too. They're too low if you're honestly considering hanging around as an orbiter. I can't see why it would be necessary to talk to her. She is going to be dating other guys, man. You need to wake up.

  11. #80
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like she's afraid of you. Then again showing up at her place and notifying her friend that you are parked outside stalking is pretty creepy. This may be why she opted to meet at a public place with a friend. To get you away from her house and not be alone with her. You're fortunate she didn't call the police. You need to leave her alone. She is indifferent at best.
    Originally Posted by TheG
    I decided to pass by her place to sort this thing out once and for all. Since I was still blocked I ask her friend to let her know that Im outside her place. I went to a friends place nearby and chilled there with him until she sent me a message telling me I should come to a nearby restaurant shes there with her friend. I asked her what are the boundaries between us now and she said its a free road...

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