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Thread: How to minimize harm when breaking up with somebody dependent on you?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    You can't fix her. Staying won't fix her. Nothing you say, do, or try to will into reality will fix what is broken within her.

    One of the hardest things to do in life is to make a decision that we know will bring us happiness in the long run when we know we are letting the people in our lives down, or causing them hurt or disappointment. As someone that seems to be sensitive and have a big capacity for empathy, of course this is going to be very hard for you.

    At the end of the day you have to take a step back and look at the big picture. Jane may have become codependent with you very quickly, however she did manage to survive for 30+ years before she met you, and will survive after you move on... this in fact may be just the catalyst she needs to break away from her circumstances and find more independence.

    Please don't enable her anymore... it isn't doing either of you any favors. It holds her back and teaches her that she isn't capable or worthy of making her own decisions, and it puts an unreasonable amount of pressure on you to be the one that fixes everything which just isn't sustainable.

  2. #32
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    You really have to let go and stop thinking she needs you to run her life. If she sleeps in her car, so be it, she's a grown woman who probably knows how to check into a hotel.

    Otherwise, why bother breaking up?

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Good job with breaking it to her and being honest. It'll be a test of her own character how she responds to this in the coming weeks. The only real thing you could do wrong at this point is continue as a couple and delude yourselves into thinking things are ok and not sticking to breaking up. Safe travels.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Good move making the very, very hard move.

    Chiming in with the others, you now have to let her process this however she chooses to. A night in a car? Not fun, but not the worst, if it came to that. I, for instance, am a highly capable dude and among the most level-headed people you'll meet. But historically my initial response to heartbreak has not been a portrait of grace. I've slacked off on work, woken up in weird places, drank too much for a few days, dabbled in anorexia, taken up lovely habits like smoking, and put on some pretty Oscar-worthy performances as the Saddest Man on Earth.

    But also? I lived, I survived, I recovered, I rebuilt. She will live, survive, recover, and rebuild in some form or another. She may have to circle a few drains, as humans do though lives, and she make not make choices you like. But she may very well find the moxie that she's been needing. It's in her, as it's in us all. Remember that, respect it, and in silence offer her wishes that she is cultivating it and finding her way, as you cultivate yourself and find yours.

    Best of luck to you, to both of you.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    Update

    Now I guess the majority of you would say I should have just let her go at that point. But I couldn't, not in that state... Obviously I do want her to leave my house sooner or later, but I want her to go back to her family home (if things improved a little there) or stay with friends. She admitted that she had no plan that night, if I let her go, she probably would have just slept in her car. She was clearly not in the right state of mind to take care of herself, so I stopped her leaving and calmed her down for her safety.

    .
    First things first, congrats on biting the bullet and ending something youve realizes wasnít healthy.

    Second, you really gotta get out of your own way.

    You recognize the dysfunctionality of all this but do it anyway and use the tired excuse of Ďcaringí so I donít think youíre fully comprehending how big of a role youíre playing here.

    To break up with her and then expect to keep tabs and have her stay where you deem is acceptable is just all kinds of unhealthy. You arenít her dad...

    You treated this breakup like a long drawn out event that if Iím understanding correctly lasted days... and then, the real kicker, ended with the strings still fully attached.

    I donít care if youíre the reincarnation of mother Theresa, you have no right to dictate how this breakup affects her, you are still fully in the role of caretaker.

    Cut the strings.

    Cold turkey, no tabs, no staying under your roof. I think youíre going to find fully letting go quite hard actually, you have had parental like control over her and like a vampire youíve been feeding off her need to be taken care of.

    Time to look within. You seem capable, so Iím sure you will but first things first, enough with the excuses, there is no excusing keeping her around like a toy, itís cruel, youíve broken up, thatís it, wash your hands.

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