Wife doesnt want to save our marriage

[TxMidLifeDad]

Forgive me if I leave anything out, my mind is a little scattered right now. We have been together for 9 years and married almost 7. Past few weeks she hasn't been talking to me except to ask me what the heck I did today. We have a 5 yr old son who I have been a stay at home dad for on and off since his birth, I worked part time jobs around mother's day out programs. He started kindergarten this year and it is time for me to start looking for a job again. I have been going to school on the side for a degree in computers, havent finished yet and finding it hard to land an entry level job. I did try to talk to her a few times but that only turned into her getting mad and walking away. Tonight it turned into " she is tired of this". When I asked what that meant she just said I dont know. I asked if she wants me to leave and she just stared at the floor. When I tried to discuss us working through this and talking about it, she said "we have before and here we are again". We have had fights in the past but not like this. Being a stay at home dad with no career, I'm being kicked out with nothing...

[MissCanuck]

What exactly have past fights been about, OP? You must have some insight into what the problems are (from her perspective) even if you don't feel they were deal-breakers.

Is she open to trying marital counselling? Are you?

Regardless of what happens between you two, keep up the job-hunt. Take any job you can get for the time being; your opportunities will improve when you complete your studies but until then, you still need an income. If this marriage doesn't survive, you will be grateful you have financial resources.

[MirrorKnight]

You are 42 years old, so presumably you met this woman when you were 33, you married at 35 and your son was born when you were 37?

What were you doing at 33? Did you have a job in the early phase of your relationship and marriage? When you became a stay at home dad, was that a decision that your wife agreed with? Why have you not finished your computing degree yet? How long have you been doing it? Why are you a 42 year old man without a career?

Why am I asking those questions?

Because the majority of women do not want to be the breadwinner in a family and have to be the sole provider in their family. Traditional gender roles exist for a reason. If she is asking you "what the heck did you do today?" and saying "I am tired of this", then I am going to guess that she has been encouraging you to man up for a while, but you have refused to or been unable to do so.

Unless I have completely misread your post then it looks like she is sick of being married to somebody that mainstream society considers a "loser" and has given up on you ever being able to change.

Sorry if that is hard to hear. I am just trying to be honest, which I think is more useful than sugar coating things for you. I am not being mean spirited intentionally, I was a loser until 2017, I might still become a loser again if I lose my rather unstable job. But I have resolved to continue to improve myself through education, learning and whatever employment I can find, wherever I can find it. I am currently working over 6,000 miles away from home, in a city with no friends and no family. It is not easy, but life will not make excuses for you, only you can change your destiny.

[TxMidLifeDad]

Our fights in the past were about normal marriage stuff as I would call it, who was suppose to do the dishes, ext. Those usually last no more than a few hours.

I was an emt and had been working in EMS for a few years, that's how we met. She continued on to nursing and my job didn't pay for child care, so it was her idea for me to stay home with our child and work on school while I did that. I'm only a few classes away from finishing school, the main reason it took so long is money and paying for school. I never considered myself a "Loser" until now.

I believe there is more to it she wont say, but she said she is tired of me being "unmotivated". I have been living my life the way we both talked about, and now she wants to divorce because I'm lazy.

[MirrorKnight]

I never considered myself a "Loser" until now.

I was just being brutally honest about how society considers guys that do not have a reasonable career and the ability to provide for their families. It does not mean that you should consider yourself a loser.

The labour of raising children is precious and invaluable. As a conservative I believe that this labour should ideally be performed by a woman (as a primary carer, I am not saying that fathers should not be involved), but if you did it well as a man, it does not diminish the value of that work just because you are a man, especially if it enabled your wife to focus on her career and advance in it as a result.

but she said she is tired of me being "unmotivated". I have been living my life the way we both talked about, and now she wants to divorce because I'm lazy.

You need to step back and honestly assess if she has a point. Have you really been trying your best? Women generally like men with purpose and ambition. Maybe she was okay for you to be a stay at home dad in the short term to make ends meet, but she expected you to advance yourself in the meantime and eventually be the man of the household that society expects you to be? Perhaps she thinks you are not trying hard enough, not focused on your studies or job hunting. Perhaps she is comparing you with her friends' husbands and fed up of feeling like she is the primary provider at home? Women want to be taken care of, they want the security of a capable partner and provider for their family.

[TeeDee]

She does not want to be the primary breadwinner any more. Right or wrong/ sexual stereotypes & double standards notwithstanding, she doesn't think you are pulling your weight.

If the deal was she'd work & you'd be the stay at home dad, the argument over who did the dishes was your fault. The stay at home person does the dishes. The breadwinner gets waited on. If you want equality, get a pay check.

Presumably you are still qualified to be an EMT. At least you will be able to do that & earn money faster then you will get your computer degree. Get a job while your child is in school. Do your degree around your work schedule.

If your wife sees you earning money she may be more willing to work on things. As things stand, she thinks you aren't pulling your weight.

[Camber 2019]

That's her response? She's "tired of this"? You are a stay at home Dad and getting back into the workforce because your child is going to kindergarten. I would suspect there is something else going on if she refuses to talk. I've been through it, you should try to find out if there is anyone else. Do Not Ask Her! She will deny and get mad. Just keep your eyes open and see if you notice anything...

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you need to step it up in the income/job area and take whatever job you can get and in the meantime, do much more around the house. She resents you, it's very clear. Stay gainfully employed and stop making excuses.

Past few weeks she hasn't been talking to me except to ask me what the heck I did today. I have been a stay at home dad for. He started kindergarten this year and it is time for me to start looking for a job again.

[TxMidLifeDad]

I have been looking for a job. The plan was for me to find an entry level job in the computer field since that is what I am studying for. My age and lack of experience has been playing a factor in that. So yes, I am applying for any job I can find right now.

I have a few job offers over the past couple years that the pay was pretty good, but I turned them down because she wanted to focus on her career and didn't want to put our son in day care full time. In the beginning I had a hard time dealing with being a stay at home dad, she always told me there was nothing wrong with it. We even moved 3 times to be closer to her work. We now live in a house we can barely afford because she wanted it.

The entire time I have been a stay at home dad I have been taking care of everything. I cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, take care of animals, and anything else that needs done. She comes home from work and puts her pjs on and plays on her phone.

I get that she wants me working a successful job, I want that too. I am at loss though because she wont talk or open up to me and I have been under the impression I was following our plan.

[TeeDee]

Just try for the actions & see how she responds to that. She's kind of talked out at this point.