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Thread: Amicable Separation

  1. #1
    Gold Member ChellyV's Avatar
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    Amicable Separation

    Hello ENAers. I am separating from my husband. Before we got married, I frequented ENA for this on and off relationship. This time, I know, there is no turning back.

    I would like to see what I can do to make this as amicable as possibly can be. He is scheduled to move out completely this coming weekend. I will be out of town purposely that weekend to refrain from talk that I may regret and emotions. While I think I am ready for this, a part of me still hurt over the failure.

    Been married since 2014, my husband had repeatedly told me he does not love me, loves me, does not love me and on and on we go. We are in our 50's, and I just don't want this life of uncertainy anymore. He has not touched me since 2017, and has pretty much been living "single", his own plans, his own finances, his own decision. What compounded was I had serious problems with my 23 year old stepson i.e. "pig" (for brevity purposes, let us just label him that) and a thief. He stole my credit cards, bullied my son big time, and would take my car without permission. No spousal love can calm such rough waters. We failed at resolving these issues mainly because I am blamed for being "unforgiving". Let me be clear, I have forgiven, but to continue this kind of lifestyle in our home is not going to be tolerated anymore. My husband is sadly an enabler.

    My stepson left the house last year, only to return last July and my husband did not consult me about it. I feel like this is it. Much as I have an innate fear of the unknown, I will go ahead take care of me and take the leap of faith. We have talked that they will leave by end of September.

    If there is a possibly of ways to make it amicable, would love to hear your stories. I will try my very best.

  2. #2
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    My husband and I had what I've dubbed "the world's friendliest divorce".

    That's not to say it was 100% conflict free. There were definitely hurt feelings. What I mean by a "friendly" divorce is, we used the same paralegal, he signed a "default" (which in essence said he agreed to whatever I asked for) and we did not scuffle over custody, child support or spousal support. We even continued to do things as a family a couple of times a year because the kids liked for us to all be together occasionally. I moved out and got my own place (with the kids, of course). I had the kids 70% of the time, he had them 30%, but only because his job required longer hours.

    He only started to get nasty when he came over one night to pick up the kids and the man I was dating was there. My ex husband was very late picking up the kids due to work, so normally my date wouldn't have been there. But my ex was literally like 2 hours late. After that he put a stop to the family outings and insisted on separate birthday parties going forward. He also pulled some shady stuff regarding taxes, schooling and fudged on the child support agreement, but for the most part we remained civil.

    I never see or talk to him since the kids are now adults. But we seldom had arguments after the divorce.

    I'm enjoying single life. I'm not currently dating (my choice), but I had an active dating life and was actually in 3 long term relationships since the divorce. I was fairly young (early-mid thirties) so still in my "prime", so to speak.

    But there are tons of activities for middle aged folk like us. All you have to do is look for them.

    Best wishes for a process that is as stress-free as possible.

    PS: Why did we get divorced? Incompatibility, basically.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I had an amicable divorce, I moved out and got my own apt. with another girl. We had rented a house and had the usual household things and I said keep what you want, I'll take my clothes and a few personal things. I chose not to argue or be drawn into any drama, so there wasnt any. We had a no fault divorce, didnt need a lawyer, as we'd divided up what we had.

    Dont argue, dont fight, keep your distance, do your best to move on. It's not easy, it's sad when it falls apart for good, but ultimately your life should be better.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes. Get an attorney and let the attorney do all the paperwork, communicating, etc. Get yourself a therapist to help you navigate the emotional end of things. Also start now to sever all finances. Get all your accounts in your name. Get him off all accounts and all titles. Reset all your passwords and when all his stuff is out, change the locks.

    The best way to keep it low drama is to simply take actions you need to without drawn out discussions. Keep emotions out of it and that will keep the drama low also. Do not strive for love or friendship at this point. Strive for a smooth transition out of this.
    Originally Posted by ChellyV
    We have talked that they will leave by end of September. If there is a possibly of ways to make it amicable.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    My separation and subsequent divorce was mostly amicable. We were together for 15 years so we had quite a few shared belongings as well as a house to sell, but we managed to come to an agreement for the most part as to how we would divide everything.

    We started with a separation agreement and had a notary sign off on it... assets were all divided during the separation so the divorce itself was pretty straight forward, we filed it jointly through the courthouse. No children together and the ones we do have were both grown up so no custody arrangements or child support to worry about.

    I was heart broken, bitter and angry about our marriage ending but I chose to handle it with grace and dignity (so others tell me) and focus on my emotional healing. It was really really hard, I knew it would be and so I accepted that I was going to have some hurt feelings and that it would take me time to get over it.

    We chose not to fight, not to engage in drama, to be polite when we did see each other, and even if we were angry or hurt at something we didn't engage...ultimately we were both done with the fighting and conflict and just wanted to live a peaceful life. We don't speak to this day except to say hi when we see each other in public.

    Even though I am happy that the relationship is over, at times I miss talking to him or am sad about the fact that his family and I don't talk, or that the situation with our kids is still so bloody awkward, and at times I still resent him, but it is what it is and I am happy we were able to do this in the best way we could.

  7. #6
    Gold Member ChellyV's Avatar
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    Oh, thank you all for sharing. Thank you! Today I just randomly broke down in tears in the grocery! Thank God I had my sunglasses to be discreet about it.

    I am seeing a therapist to help me through this, my son just left for the military in February and it is just a double edged sword....I know I can pull this through. He is obviously not letting go easily as he seem to be irritated when I move my stuff away from the shelf, thinking he will take the shelf, things like that. But otherwise, I have been really quiet but polite. The stepson on the other hand is a different story. This is a case where it is best not to say anything.

    At this point I am convinced he has never loved me in the real sense of the word, that is my ammunition in this fight that I will be going through. I shall be checking back in for updates.

    Once again, thank you all!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    (((((Chelly)))))))

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    I think its very important for you to review in your divorce why you married this man in the first place. You knew it was a mistake, because you were off and on with him even before the marriage started and its just more of the same. I don't think you should bend over backwards to be kind to someone who does not love you or perhaps never truly did. You should be business like about it as much as possible.

  10. #9
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    I wish you all the best and I am sorry you're hurting (please please don't worry about "what people think" if you cry in public -most people mean really well!!) - and I am glad you've gotten good support and advice here(nothing practical to contribute on my end, just chiming in -I'm also in my 50s by the way).

  11. #10
    Gold Member ChellyV's Avatar
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    Thank you all.

    Quick update: everything out last Sunday. I am surprisingly keeping it together, though this morning it hit me. The only adjustment that I am struggling with is the empty house when I come home from work. And being scared of little noises :-) I have family coming on Saturday for moral support and I would love to have them around right now. And yes, you are right, restrospecting, I should have recognized it was not going to work even before...but hey, if I did not do what I did, I will always think "what might have been". I will heal....

    Thank you ENAers!

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