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Wife doesnt want to save our marriage


TxMidLifeDad

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Forgive me if I leave anything out, my mind is a little scattered right now. We have been together for 9 years and married almost 7. Past few weeks she hasn't been talking to me except to ask me what the heck I did today. We have a 5 yr old son who I have been a stay at home dad for on and off since his birth, I worked part time jobs around mother's day out programs. He started kindergarten this year and it is time for me to start looking for a job again. I have been going to school on the side for a degree in computers, havent finished yet and finding it hard to land an entry level job. I did try to talk to her a few times but that only turned into her getting mad and walking away. Tonight it turned into " she is tired of this". When I asked what that meant she just said I dont know. I asked if she wants me to leave and she just stared at the floor. When I tried to discuss us working through this and talking about it, she said "we have before and here we are again". We have had fights in the past but not like this. Being a stay at home dad with no career, I'm being kicked out with nothing...

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What exactly have past fights been about, OP? You must have some insight into what the problems are (from her perspective) even if you don't feel they were deal-breakers.

 

Is she open to trying marital counselling? Are you?

 

Regardless of what happens between you two, keep up the job-hunt. Take any job you can get for the time being; your opportunities will improve when you complete your studies but until then, you still need an income. If this marriage doesn't survive, you will be grateful you have financial resources.

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You are 42 years old, so presumably you met this woman when you were 33, you married at 35 and your son was born when you were 37?

 

What were you doing at 33? Did you have a job in the early phase of your relationship and marriage? When you became a stay at home dad, was that a decision that your wife agreed with? Why have you not finished your computing degree yet? How long have you been doing it? Why are you a 42 year old man without a career?

 

Why am I asking those questions?

 

Because the majority of women do not want to be the breadwinner in a family and have to be the sole provider in their family. Traditional gender roles exist for a reason. If she is asking you "what the heck did you do today?" and saying "I am tired of this", then I am going to guess that she has been encouraging you to man up for a while, but you have refused to or been unable to do so.

 

Unless I have completely misread your post then it looks like she is sick of being married to somebody that mainstream society considers a "loser" and has given up on you ever being able to change.

 

Sorry if that is hard to hear. I am just trying to be honest, which I think is more useful than sugar coating things for you. I am not being mean spirited intentionally, I was a loser until 2017, I might still become a loser again if I lose my rather unstable job. But I have resolved to continue to improve myself through education, learning and whatever employment I can find, wherever I can find it. I am currently working over 6,000 miles away from home, in a city with no friends and no family. It is not easy, but life will not make excuses for you, only you can change your destiny.

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Our fights in the past were about normal marriage stuff as I would call it, who was suppose to do the dishes, ext. Those usually last no more than a few hours.

 

I was an emt and had been working in EMS for a few years, that's how we met. She continued on to nursing and my job didn't pay for child care, so it was her idea for me to stay home with our child and work on school while I did that. I'm only a few classes away from finishing school, the main reason it took so long is money and paying for school. I never considered myself a "Loser" until now.

 

I believe there is more to it she wont say, but she said she is tired of me being "unmotivated". I have been living my life the way we both talked about, and now she wants to divorce because I'm lazy.

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I never considered myself a "Loser" until now.

 

I was just being brutally honest about how society considers guys that do not have a reasonable career and the ability to provide for their families. It does not mean that you should consider yourself a loser.

 

The labour of raising children is precious and invaluable. As a conservative I believe that this labour should ideally be performed by a woman (as a primary carer, I am not saying that fathers should not be involved), but if you did it well as a man, it does not diminish the value of that work just because you are a man, especially if it enabled your wife to focus on her career and advance in it as a result.

 

but she said she is tired of me being "unmotivated". I have been living my life the way we both talked about, and now she wants to divorce because I'm lazy.

 

You need to step back and honestly assess if she has a point. Have you really been trying your best? Women generally like men with purpose and ambition. Maybe she was okay for you to be a stay at home dad in the short term to make ends meet, but she expected you to advance yourself in the meantime and eventually be the man of the household that society expects you to be? Perhaps she thinks you are not trying hard enough, not focused on your studies or job hunting. Perhaps she is comparing you with her friends' husbands and fed up of feeling like she is the primary provider at home? Women want to be taken care of, they want the security of a capable partner and provider for their family.

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She does not want to be the primary breadwinner any more. Right or wrong/ sexual stereotypes & double standards notwithstanding, she doesn't think you are pulling your weight.

 

If the deal was she'd work & you'd be the stay at home dad, the argument over who did the dishes was your fault. The stay at home person does the dishes. The breadwinner gets waited on. If you want equality, get a pay check.

 

Presumably you are still qualified to be an EMT. At least you will be able to do that & earn money faster then you will get your computer degree. Get a job while your child is in school. Do your degree around your work schedule.

 

If your wife sees you earning money she may be more willing to work on things. As things stand, she thinks you aren't pulling your weight.

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That's her response? She's "tired of this"? You are a stay at home Dad and getting back into the workforce because your child is going to kindergarten. I would suspect there is something else going on if she refuses to talk. I've been through it, you should try to find out if there is anyone else. Do Not Ask Her! She will deny and get mad. Just keep your eyes open and see if you notice anything...

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It sounds like you need to step it up in the income/job area and take whatever job you can get and in the meantime, do much more around the house. She resents you, it's very clear. Stay gainfully employed and stop making excuses.

Past few weeks she hasn't been talking to me except to ask me what the heck I did today. I have been a stay at home dad for. He started kindergarten this year and it is time for me to start looking for a job again.
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I have been looking for a job. The plan was for me to find an entry level job in the computer field since that is what I am studying for. My age and lack of experience has been playing a factor in that. So yes, I am applying for any job I can find right now.

 

I have a few job offers over the past couple years that the pay was pretty good, but I turned them down because she wanted to focus on her career and didn't want to put our son in day care full time. In the beginning I had a hard time dealing with being a stay at home dad, she always told me there was nothing wrong with it. We even moved 3 times to be closer to her work. We now live in a house we can barely afford because she wanted it.

 

The entire time I have been a stay at home dad I have been taking care of everything. I cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, take care of animals, and anything else that needs done. She comes home from work and puts her pjs on and plays on her phone.

 

I get that she wants me working a successful job, I want that too. I am at loss though because she wont talk or open up to me and I have been under the impression I was following our plan.

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That's her response? She's "tired of this"? You are a stay at home Dad and getting back into the workforce because your child is going to kindergarten. I would suspect there is something else going on if she refuses to talk. I've been through it, you should try to find out if there is anyone else. Do Not Ask Her! She will deny and get mad. Just keep your eyes open and see if you notice anything...
That's my feeling too, and I know better than to ask.
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Right now packing groceries is better than chronic marital conflict and empty promises. Consider marriage therapy. Each of you is making huge marriage killing mistakes. You are both camped in resentment corners and the contempt is palpable.

I have a few job offers over the past couple years that the pay was pretty good, but I turned them down

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I have been looking for a job. The plan was for me to find an entry level job in the computer field since that is what I am studying for. My age and lack of experience has been playing a factor in that. So yes, I am applying for any job I can find right now.

 

I have a few job offers over the past couple years that the pay was pretty good, but I turned them down because she wanted to focus on her career and didn't want to put our son in day care full time. In the beginning I had a hard time dealing with being a stay at home dad, she always told me there was nothing wrong with it. We even moved 3 times to be closer to her work. We now live in a house we can barely afford because she wanted it.

 

The entire time I have been a stay at home dad I have been taking care of everything. I cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, take care of animals, and anything else that needs done. She comes home from work and puts her pjs on and plays on her phone.

 

I get that she wants me working a successful job, I want that too. I am at loss though because she wont talk or open up to me and I have been under the impression I was following our plan.

 

I hate to say this.....buuuut.....you need to find out just what's on that phone of hers. I don't agree with posters calling you a loser or telling you to get a job. You have been doing what few men do - support your wife's career as per her own demands. She can't really prevent you from pursuing full time work and then be "resentful" that you don't have a career. Sorry, but there is something else going and you need to find out what that is.

 

Even if there is nothing, you need to call her out on her bs. Her attitude is not acceptable. This is not the time for you to roll over and play dead and just continue to cater to her demands. If she wants to leave the marriage, then she needs to pack her stuff and leave and pay you alimony and child support. Time for her to get a reality check and for you to grow a spine.

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Ooof, tough situation.

 

I don't have kids, but observing my many friends who do there often seems to be something of a reckoning right around the time the kid turns 5. For the first time in a while, you guys are kind of able to come up for air, since your kid requires significantly less care and attention than in those early days. Feelings that may have suppressed, needs and desires that may have gone unattended, roles that have been outgrown, to say nothing of resentments that had been fomenting, all come to the surface. It's a hard wave to ride, and not everyone rides it out. A lot of divorces happen when a child is around this age, or at least that's when the boulder starts tumbling down the hill that gathers the moss that leads to divorce.

 

So, what to do? I'd try to see some of all this in that context, and rather than continuing to try to talk it out, or quietly freaking out about what the "something else" might be, you take action. Talking isn't helping, and if that "something else" is as potent as you may fear there's nothing you can do and whatever action you take now is just going to help.

 

The stay-at-home-dad phase is over, or at least about to drastically change. Your kid is at school now, giving you time to expand who you are, as a man. Great. Embrace that, as you're doing, with the job search. Just as a few years ago all your energy was being put into nurture, redirect a substantial portion of that toward earning. Let her step in a bit more with the nurture stuff. Hopefully the scales start to balance out. If they can't? At least you're more balanced out. Marital counseling can be great for navigating all this, if you're both open to it. Individual counseling can be great too, so I'd consider that, in your shoes.

 

Also? You are so not a loser. Were you a woman writing this your wife (husband in that scenario) would be flayed for not understanding the sacrifices you've made. It's a bummer that we don't yet all live in the land of kumbaya equality—or, well, Scandinavia—but don't metabolize all this as you being a loser. Just time to broaden yourself, and the role you've been playing. Hopefully that works for getting your marriage back on track, but, even if it doesn't, you need to be on track for both yourself and your child.

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even if there is nothing, you need to call her out on her bs. Her attitude is not acceptable. This is not the time for you to roll over and play dead and just continue to cater to her demands. If she wants to leave the marriage, then she needs to pack her stuff and leave and pay you alimony and child support. Time for her to get a reality check and for you to grow a spine.

 

amen, amen, amen!!!!!

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I have been looking for a job. The plan was for me to find an entry level job in the computer field since that is what I am studying for. My age and lack of experience has been playing a factor in that. So yes, I am applying for any job I can find right now.

 

I have a few job offers over the past couple years that the pay was pretty good, but I turned them down because she wanted to focus on her career and didn't want to put our son in day care full time. In the beginning I had a hard time dealing with being a stay at home dad, she always told me there was nothing wrong with it. We even moved 3 times to be closer to her work. We now live in a house we can barely afford because she wanted it.

 

The entire time I have been a stay at home dad I have been taking care of everything. I cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, take care of animals, and anything else that needs done. She comes home from work and puts her pjs on and plays on her phone.

 

I get that she wants me working a successful job, I want that too. I am at loss though because she wont talk or open up to me and I have been under the impression I was following our plan.

 

Go back to being a EMT while you finish your degree. Also, why would you choose a degree that will only get you a low paying entry level job? You could have stayed as an EMT and worked into becoming a firefighter or you could have gotten the training to do something else in the medical field. Why reinvent the wheel when there are small children? go back to work and then if things don't change with her attitude, address it

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Our fights in the past were about normal marriage stuff as I would call it, who was suppose to do the dishes, ext. Those usually last no more than a few hours.

 

So if you were taking care of the household chores, why would there be any fight about this? Any why would it take hours to fight about. Just do the darn dishes.

 

After my hubs moved down by me and our son was born, I remember after 2 years of my hubs working here and there while watching our son part-time, and the other time in daycare, I had a talk with him that he needed to get a job. And he did. But I'm sure if he had sat on his hands for an additional 3+ years, we wouldn't have lasted. From her, it sounds like sh*t or get off the pot perspective.

 

There's only oh so many sweatpant nights and take out a woman can endure when he hubs also can't plan dates as well.

 

And when work is stressful for me, everything magnifies like his piles of dirty laundry taking up almost all of our bedroom floor. And I'm thinking, "I am tied of this" too. But the fact that now he earns 6 figures, and the kids are alive, I don't sweat too much over them.

 

Even if does say, "hey, let's work things out," get a job - get a job - get any okay job. Forget computers. Unless you are graduating from a D3 school, or an insanely good programmer, or have been interning at a reputable place, it's dog eat dog world out there - not sure if you are a programmer, or in IT.

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From her, it sounds like sh*t or get off the pot perspective.

 

There's only oh so many sweatpant nights and take out a woman can endure when he hubs also can't plan dates as well.

 

 

Seriously? She comes home, puts on her PJs, plops down with her phone and does nothing to help after he has been SAH Dad all day. Unless she's a Nobel Prize winning Brain Surgeon, I think SHE is the one who should get off the pot!

 

She's either banging someone else, or she's just a spoiled BRAT!

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Go back to being a EMT while you finish your degree. Also, why would you choose a degree that will only get you a low paying entry level job? You could have stayed as an EMT and worked into becoming a firefighter or you could have gotten the training to do something else in the medical field. Why reinvent the wheel when there are small children? go back to work and then if things don't change with her attitude, address it

 

Being an EMT doesnt pay the bills, its a very low paying job. The only reason I did it so long before was I didnt have a child and could work massive amounts of overtime. I know it seems crazy to start a low paying entry level job, but it still pays more than being an EMT. As far a choosing a career in computers, I need a entry level position for a couple of years to get experience to move up, and my degree medians 6 figures. I missed the cut off age for a firefighter years ago and have no desire to go back into the medical field, which would require more education also. Back then we both talked about it and together decided on me staying at home and working on starting a new career. We both understood it would take a while and be hard. These are not choices I made on my own.

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Seriously? She comes home, puts on her PJs, plops down with her phone and does nothing to help after he has been SAH Dad all day. Unless she's a Nobel Prize winning Brain Surgeon, I think SHE is the one who should get off the pot!

 

She's either banging someone else, or she's just a spoiled BRAT!

 

A mom doesn't just come right out of the bat just plopping down and doing whatever. It's years of resentment, frustration, and anger that has them morph into that. And a lazy husband sure is enough motivation to become a couch potato.

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So if you were taking care of the household chores, why would there be any fight about this? Any why would it take hours to fight about. Just do the darn dishes.

 

Those were when I was working part time and running our son around, while she was home. She had a 24 hr job at the time and was home 4 or 5 days a week.

 

There's only oh so many sweatpant nights and take out a woman can endure when he hubs also can't plan dates as well.

 

We dont eat out. I wasnt always a good cook but have gotten better. We do occasionally go out, but she hates spending money on date night.

 

And when work is stressful for me, everything magnifies like his piles of dirty laundry taking up almost all of our bedroom floor. And I'm thinking, "I am tied of this" too. But the fact that now he earns 6 figures, and the kids are alive, I don't sweat too much over them.

 

Even if does say, "hey, let's work things out," get a job - get a job - get any okay job. Forget computers. Unless you are graduating from a D3 school, or an insanely good programmer, or have been interning at a reputable place, it's dog eat dog world out there - not sure if you are a programmer, or in IT.

 

She did start a new job a couple months ago, and I know its been stressing her. I have tried to be supportive but lately she started pushing me away and not talking to me anymore.

I have been working towards a database degree and have a few certifications now, should I just walk away from that when in 2 yrs experience at an entry level position I could move up to another position that the median pay is 6 figures? That was our long term plan, that apparently wasnt moving fast enough and she didnt care to discuss it with me.

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These are not choices I made on my own.

 

I am sure he recognizes that you made these choices together. But they aren't working for her. And she can't be the a-hole who says so because you made them together. So instead says, "I'm tired of this" because she thinks you should just magically figure it out. But I'm telling you know, it's the lack of job that appears to be driving it along with nose diving her sexual attraction to you.

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A mom doesn't just come right out of the bat just plopping down and doing whatever. It's years of resentment, frustration, and anger that has them morph into that. And a lazy husband sure is enough motivation to become a couch potato.

 

Methinks YOU had a lazy husband and are lashing out at the OP. He does not sound lazy at all to me!

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